How long should it take to love a boyfriend?

[marie86]

This is my first post. I've been with my boyfriend over a year now and from the start had hit and miss feelings for him. I've always been a bit shy with people til I get to know them and in relationships the lad has needed to make first move even to cuddle. I'm fine talking to my bf as a friend like where we could go ect even talking about the future together and stuff I'm fine with. He has said he's ready to make love but it takes a few drinks to get him to say that (he has said it when I asked him when sobar as well by text) I've always wanted a bf who will take things slow but I'd like to feel more comfortable about doing more by now and he seems to be in same situation.

The other thing is my feelings for him at the minute I do feel like I love him but its only the last few week I've started feeling this. Before that I wasn't that bothered over seeing him we always meet at weekends as he works full time. He HATES his job and has made that very clear just about every weekend for the last few month. Long conversations about his boss or someone else he doesn't like ect. He has never took it out on me but it does get a bit boring to listen to especially on the phone where all I can do is listen. I've ignored phone calls from him because of this but he doesn't know. He also gets stressed easily which can make me uncomfortable at time though other times we have laugh about it like when we see idiot drivers he will moan and I laugh it off. He likes a few drinks every so often and he's great after a few more relaxed and funny, sometimes I've prefered him a bit drunk than sober.

We have had lots of good times together the first being his birthday last year we went away overnight and had few drinks 1st day and was singing to me but then later had headache and I felt so sorry for him but it made me realise I loved him. I would of loved to stay another night and so would he. He loves my dog and we take him walks together. We have only had 1 argument in over a year which I think is what made me stop loving him as much in July last year was his fault which he later admitted and I was so happy that it wouldn't make us split up. After that I gradually felt less for him. I've always cared about him but didn't enjoy time with him as much. In September we went to same place as we went for his birthday for 2 nights this time 1st night we both got bit drunk and had good time next day was fine but that night I was bored in pub but he couldn't drink much because he was driving us home next morning and I didn't feel like having much. He moaned about having to go home next day wasn't happy I had to get home for my dog as he'd be on his own a few hours before we got back. Basically I'd of gone home that night if I could though I didn't say that. Next day was fine. My bf went away in December I didn't go with him as I couldn't afford spending money and I wasn't that bothered over going. This year we had day at coast my bf was on about trying to find a b and b to stay over night I wasn't bothered but once we was there I did want to stay though we decided we'd look into going again in summer instead. From then I've felt more for him again. We have now planned where to go walking for this weekend and maybe the next few weekends so hopefully I'll stay feeling this way about him.

Has anyone else had mixed feelings about a partner. My bf has always seemed to never have any doubts about me and its 100% down to him that we even got together as we had a bad start and I'd given up on him but he kept texting me and I agreed to meet him again and from then we got on well.

[smackie9]

You love him but it sounds more like a love you would have for a friend or a brother, not a lover. Real love is intense and passionate where you can't eat or sleep, that they are all you can think about. I'm guess you you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. When you fall deeply in love it can take a very short time say like a few weeks to a few months, some fall in love at first sight. If you are not really feeling it by then most end the relationship and seek out a different partner. In your situation, they call it "settling" where their partner fulfills some needs like kindness, financial stability, and enjoy their company. But that you can find with a friendship. See what I'm getting at? If your feelings are so so and fade in and out that means you are not with Mr. Right.

[marie86]

Your post does make sense and you are right I haven't had many relationships only 3 before this one none lasted over 2 month. My 1st 2 bfs I loved straight away even though the 1st 1 didn't seem to be that bothered over me he would always turn up late but I was so keen to be in relationship I ignored the bad things. 2nd bf was better but then messed me around saying he wasn't ready for relationship then he was then wasn't which I found hurt me more than him just ending it. This is why I wont finish my current bf unless I'm 100% sure I want to finish it which right now I'm happy with him. I have thought that I'm settling for him because of the good things he has like kindness and he genuinely seems to want to be with me.

[LoveCoach]

Marrie86,
wow that's a long description. Thanks for taking your time sharing your love life.

Lets define couple things.

friendship - you love him but no sex please. No desire in sexually contact. Many people feel the desire of physical contact, but chose to remain friendship only. So there is no clear cut.
boyfriend and girlfriend - love each other and physically attracted toward each other. we are good friends and I want to have sex with you.

with that definition, you can start loving a guy the first minute you meet him. hihi. Love is not a yes or a no, but it defines over a period of time that you spend with that person. it is "how much you love that person". HOw many times have you sacrifice for him? How many times that you are being genuine and honest to him? how many times have you repsected him? How many times have you appreciated him? etc. These loving actions that you have with him create a feeling of love. the more times of action of love you have, the stronger feeling of love you experience. Once you stop doing these action of love, you also stop feeling love.

Now, there are a lot of ther factors and qualities about one person that can give you a similar feeling of love - such as power, money, handsomeness, instant gratification etc. These factors come together making it harder for you to tell whether you are truthfully experiencing love or just a feeling that similar to love that created by other factors. It requires strong skill of reflection and great understanding of oneself to see the different.

Once you possess a great love skills, it's hard for you to not having a long lasting relationship.

[smackie9]

So what are you looking for here? You seem set on staying with him.....

[Lover14]

I've prefered him a bit drunk than sober. .... Is it just me that finds this a little weird?!

It doesn't sound like love to me tbh, sounds like you'd be better off just being best mates

[smackie9]

It's not really fair to him if he is in it with all his heart and you are not......if he knew how you actually felt it would just crush him.

[searock]

It's not really fair to him if he is in it with all his heart and you are not......if he knew how you actually felt it would just crush him.

^ This. Or maybe he does know that you are not in love with him but chooses to stay with you anyway? In that case, it's your choice to decide whether you're OK with a happy, but not emotionally fulfilling, relationship, or if you want to be free in case true love passes by.

In any case, be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel, or don't feel.