absolute confusion as to what a girl really wants

[blue9999]

hello all here.. this is my story..

knew a girl for two years.. 1st year saw her with a bf (someone i knew).. then a really bad break up.. somehow i liked the person, so was there for her in every single way she asked me.. nights after nights heard her sob story & consoled her, a continuous shoulder to cry on.. she was on the verge of a full emotional collapse, so had to be there all the time with patient strong energy.. did everything in my power to stop her from killing herself emotionally.. tried everything to show her that she wasn't the most miserable person on the planet.. got to know all her misery, all her failures, all her dreams.. & it took a long time for her to recover, but i saw to it.. & somewhere along the way i fell in love.. but i never told her that.. my situation was such i had to promise to myself that only if she comes willingly to me should i take this to another level.. & sometime she did tell me that "she was having feelings for me, but she needs some more time to be sure of herself", to which i said yes ok.. i have all the time in the world..

one year later she tells me she's dating someone.. i could not be in touch with her anymore because of the pain.. did not go into a lengthy discussion as to "why".. had to let her go unselfishly, quietly..

today i am alone with rejection & heartache & worthlessness.. and the night's a killer, makes me wish i was dead.. if this is the price of love, may i never fall in love again..

[smackie9]

Hey we all face heartache a few times in our life for sure but it will go away eventually you will see. Remember this, if a girl comes running to you for support, that means she only thinks of you are a friend. Some girls will say they have feelings but it's only emotional attachment not sexual attraction. If they say they need time, than means "sorry not interested" or "please don't get your hopes up". It's very devistating to hear it but I'm giving advice on how to prevent it from happening again. Tip: save your feelings for someone that you are actually romantically involved with and that the feeling is mutual. You have love to give, but it wasn't the right one..... yet. You will have your day in the sun I promise you. I hope you find comfort in a close family member or friend to help you through this dark period.

[bluesky1985]

Hi blue

Sorry to hear your story.

I think you have put yourself out there emotionally and been burned and can totally understand how you feel. I think this girl was obviously very needy and vulnerable when you offered your support and I can imagine the more you were there for her, the more she relied on you to feel better.

Perhaps in some way she may associate you with feeling negative - this is completely not your fault as you sound like you were an excellent friend, but I can imagine that her being with someone else is almost like a rebirth for her.

I would say that being emotionally supportive is never a bad thing but please remember there is something out there that would really appreciate you and reciprocate your feelings. You are not worthless.

Perhaps you could try writing a letter (maybe don't send it to her) and be very honest in it about everything you are feeling.

Hope you feel better soon

[haxan]

You made a cardinal mistake. Being an emotional pacifier for someone and then falling for them. Just learn from it, don't repeat it.

[cast no shadow]

Looking on this situation as a girl who now suffers from a bad breakup and really heart-broken, I can relate to all that's written above.

I also find comfort now in friends, some guys and girls. I started thinking in one point: "why won't I just cry on his shoulder until he will feel bad and kiss me"? Thankfully, I stopped myself from doing it. But this is the problem. When you feel miserable and deserted you just want someone to make you feel good and wanted. Friends and family won't help in this regard, because we want the "kind" of person who hurts us to take us back. so, if shes a girls who was dumped my a guy, she will need a guy to tell her who lovely and pretty and amazing she is. Her girlfriends just won't be that reliable.

It is a really selfish situation, but no one does it to be evil, I think it's just the way us people work. I think she did have feeling, but as she realized herself, the origin of it wasn't clear to her. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing you didn't start anything. Having her with you because you make her feel comfort is not the right reason you wish for. The reason we all wish for. And maybe, she needs this other relationship to rearrange in her mind her wishes.

Love sucks mate. I also find myself sometimes wondering what is worse, to get myself open-up and take the chance of feeling the way I feel now over and over again, or just let go to the begin with. I don't have a reason. I still haven't recovered from my current heart-break. But look at the world, people had made it. And even those who didn't survived and found happiness. We're great, so we will make it too!

And oh, Haxan is sure right (well nothing that he said really) but watching ancient aliens is always something that can put a smile on your face! If only it wasn't the show me and my ex used to watch nightly before going to bed... God, he took ancient aliens from me!

[bluesky1985]

Love sucks mate. I also find myself sometimes wondering what is worse, to get myself open-up and take the chance of feeling the way I feel now over and over again, or just let go to the begin with. I don't have a reason. I still haven't recovered from my current heart-break. But look at the world, people had made it. And even those who didn't survived and found happiness. We're great, so we will make it too!

Totally agree with cast no shadow - I feel this too. Sometimes I wish I hadn't opened my heart up or been more guarded but we do what we think is best for us at the time.

That stupid cliche of 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' may not be helpful at all at the moment but it bears truth, what if we never opened up? remained emotionless - I couldn't live like that and I suspect you couldn't either. I'm still brokenhearted too after my relationship failed but realising that I am learning so much about myself from having experienced love and losing it. We WILL make it through this.

[blue9999]

basically you are all trying to tell me that she wasn't the right one, stop feeling bad about it all.. i agree, but who the hell knows who's actually 'right' from the beginning.. plus, love happens by itself, its not something u plan & get into.. even if from day one you have a feeling that 'maybe' it might not work out, still if you are lonely to the power infinity you go forward with heart.. & i am not talking about people who undergo 40 relationships in 20 years; these are the people who say "stupid, there's plenty of fish in the ocean!!".. wtf does that mean, are we dogs?!

however, it does feel a bit better sharing all this stuff here..

[cast no shadow]

I know, I also feel like I'm trying more to convince myself that everything will be batter, and don't really believe in it.
Again, I just spend 20 minutes in the university toilets crying, like almost every day. Again, without any other trigger than thinking on him.
Is there anyone right for us? I don't know. If there is I sure hope that he wasn't him.
I sure feel like I lost the "love of my life", and I don't know, maybe I have. And maybe there is no such a thing. If there is than God surely hates me, for putting him so far that I could never reach.

I say that I will get better, and that's what everyone say to me.
Three month and it's only getting worse, so I sure don't have any other magic words than the regular cliches.

[blue9999]

^^ three months is hardly enough time to get over someone if u r that emotional.. of course u can play the shallow game of dating but that hardly helps.. u'd want to see ur old b/f in every single date out there.. practically speaking, it can take more than a year or even two..

but if u have someone like me in ur life right now, beware.. don't start something unconsciously that might hurt him in the long run.. no-one knows when, where, whom cupid hits..

[cast no shadow]

Well. if you ask me this cupid needs to get some 'refreshing' to do.. He missed big time with me..

And yeah, hum.. I find it hard to believe right now that I could ever find my self developing strong emotions to anybody, just to make sure I won't get hurt again. Well, assuming that someday I will stop loving him

[smackie9]

Guys the reality of it is that relationships will come and go in your life. This one ended and so will the next and etc. It's not a bad thing. Even tho we go through the pain of heartache, it also teaches us valuable lessons. The more you go through the more you learn about yourself and your choices, the more your grow with each experience. This is what prepares us for marriage. It teaches us what we want in a relationship, how to handle situations, etc. With all this, you should be able to have a successful one.

[HeartIsAching]

hello all here.. this is my story..

knew a girl for two years.. 1st year saw her with a bf (someone i knew).. then a really bad break up.. somehow i liked the person, so was there for her in every single way she asked me.. nights after nights heard her sob story & consoled her, a continuous shoulder to cry on.. she was on the verge of a full emotional collapse, so had to be there all the time with patient strong energy.. did everything in my power to stop her from killing herself emotionally.. tried everything to show her that she wasn't the most miserable person on the planet.. got to know all her misery, all her failures, all her dreams.. & it took a long time for her to recover, but i saw to it.. & somewhere along the way i fell in love.. but i never told her that.. my situation was such i had to promise to myself that only if she comes willingly to me should i take this to another level.. & sometime she did tell me that "she was having feelings for me, but she needs some more time to be sure of herself", to which i said yes ok.. i have all the time in the world..

one year later she tells me she's dating someone.. i could not be in touch with her anymore because of the pain.. did not go into a lengthy discussion as to "why".. had to let her go unselfishly, quietly..

today i am alone with rejection & heartache & worthlessness.. and the night's a killer, makes me wish i was dead.. if this is the price of love, may i never fall in love again..

You voluntarily put yourself in the friend-zone, then failed to communicate directly with your wants - you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it.

It's kind of a difficult lesson, I know. Though it doesn't seem like it now, it will get better with time.

[DarkHelmet82]

nobody ever knows what women are thinking.. when you figure it out let us know.. write a book.. you'll be an instant millionaire

[blue9999]

You voluntarily put yourself in the friend-zone, then failed to communicate directly with your wants - you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it.

It's kind of a difficult lesson, I know. Though it doesn't seem like it now, it will get better with time.

it wasn't so simple.. my situation did not permit me to be so simplistic.. i cannot give each & every detail here..

[blue9999]

Guys the reality of it is that relationships will come and go in your life. This one ended and so will the next and etc. It's not a bad thing. Even tho we go through the pain of heartache, it also teaches us valuable lessons. The more you go through the more you learn about yourself and your choices, the more your grow with each experience. This is what prepares us for marriage. It teaches us what we want in a relationship, how to handle situations, etc. With all this, you should be able to have a successful one.

except that people like us don't want to go through 20 relationships.. 1 or 2 real heart breaks & we are sitting in a corner of a dark room for the rest of our lives.. figuratively speaking.. we tend to invest too much emotionally, its not always possible to jump up like a fox & get going.. sorry..