Making female friends. I wanna be in the friend zone.

[THX]

One of the fortunate things for me guys who are in the friend zone flock to forums like these. Most guys want out, I want in.

I've never had a close female friend. I've never had a female in my house that wasn't a romantic interest. I think this has stunted my personal growth in several areas of life. Chief among them is not having well rounded perspective. Like having Masters in testosterone and a top ten bullet point on women. And even a few of those bullet points are definitely in the, "Got it. Don;t get it" category.

I really enjoy female company. Platonic or otherwise. I got along very well with the girls at my last job. I find that the vast of my interesting conversations are with women.I need to be proactive about this. It's not going to fall in my lap just because I think it should.

How does a man who has failed to make female friends correct his course?

[pisces25]

So is your problem that you can't establish a friendship with women or you try to and they end up wanting more?

[smackie9]

Locating female friendship through your job is best....try to be friends with ones that are older, mature and married. I know some married women will cross that line of friend/lover, however it's not a regular occurrence. Also keep your vibe in check. Whatever you give off to women to make then assume you are looking for a romantic interest, needs to be changed, like your mannerisms ie; flirting, inuendo, overly friendly, teasing....all these things are taken as a "I'm interested" signal. You need to try to treat them like a guy friend, very casual. Also, putting it out there with communication that they are only a friend is neccessary.

It's difficult to really make more suggestions because I don't know you. For all I know women don't find you intellectually interesting enough, and they only like how you look. So let us know more about you, your likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, what you do for a living, etc. What type of women would you concinder as a friend? Married? single? unattractive? attractive? Not picky?

[vashti]

Try lesbians. Not the fake little 15-25 year olds who claim to be lesbian/bi in order to attract males... I mean REAL lesbians.

Otherwise, sex will eventually interfere (unless you find them unattractive).

[THX]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I don't think the girls I'm befriending being attracted to me is going to be a factor very often. Flirting and teasing has never been in the tool bag for me. I'm more concerned with the flip side of the coin. If I suggest to a girl I get along with that we should chill some time the girl is going to think I'm romantically interested in her. I know someone might say, "If you haven't flirted with her she wont make that assumption." I'm of the impression that girls know there are guys out there who cannot be up front about their interest and thus use covert, "Lets hang out some time" , as a better than nothing back door attempt to get her to experience his personality and see if it sticks.

I think the problem (with making female friends) feeds the problem. I don't have experience so I don't know what to do. Since I don't know what to do I don't get experience. Rinse and repeat.

I like the on the job suggestion because soon I will be in a new place. The difficulty level goes way down because I will have a larger window to work within.

I think I can get along with women well once I can get the ball rolling. I'm not sure about that. It's just an intuition I have that I have for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.

I'm in my mid 30's. Interests. Philosophy-Sports-Dance-Bantar-Sophomoric humor-Night life-Exercise-Self improvement.

[THX]

Also like the lesbian idea. Being that gaining perspective is part of the equation. It also eliminates any unforeseen, "Ooohps I don't know what I did but she likes me." Good ideas guys1 =)

[smackie9]

Maybe get used to saying "just as friends". Like "want to go for a drink after? just as friends" Maybe lie and say you are seeing someone so not to look available.

[haxan]

Vashti is right, you're wasting your time with straight women. If one half or both halves aren't attracted to the other, there won't be any real friendship where you spend legitimate time together. The flirtation, sexual tension has to be there for a guy and a girl to have interest in spending time together. It's human nature.

The only true female 'friend only' that I ever had was a hardcore lesbian (she even wore a wallet w/chain attached) that I used to work with. We'd shoot hoops, talk sports, b/s, hang out once in awhile. She'd funnel some straight girls she knew too my way for dates, so that was a bonus.

Go gay.

[searock]

If one half or both halves aren't attracted to the other, there won't be any real friendship where you spend legitimate time together. The flirtation, sexual tension has to be there for a guy and a girl to have interest in spending time together. It's human nature.

This is false. I've always had relatively many guy friends, and I've only been attracted to a couple of them. Right now, three of my best friends are male, and there is absolutely no sexual tension between us (none of us is gay).

OP, I think the best way to make female friends is to state clearly, early on, that you are in a relationship or that you are dating around - making it clear, when you ask them to spend time with you, that you mean it only as friends. Make sure you don't treat the women you want to befriend any different than you would treat men. Talk with them about your romantic life, that way they'll know that you're only looking for friendship and support (you wouldn't talk about your romantic life with other women to a woman you are flirting with).

Oh, it goes without saying: avoid the women you are attracted to, and also try to avoid those whom you think might find *you* attractive. Believe me, that's a road you don't want to take.

[Mish]

Just talk to a woman in the same way you talk to your other friends, you'll be surprised to learn how "undifferent" women are from men in most social situations.

[haxan]

This is false. I've always had relatively many guy friends, and I've only been attracted to a couple of them

Ok, that's your half of it. I can guarantee the guys you had no attraction to, who were actually there for you as a friend, had an attraction to you. I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but in a hetero environment, there's always one half that would jump at the chance if the pants came off, and that's the majority of the reason they're hanging around as a friend.

[searock]

I can guarantee the guys you had no attraction to, who were actually there for you as a friend, had an attraction to you.

Sorry, wrong again. Of all the true (male) friends I've had (as all true friends, they aren't a lot: I'm 22, counting from 14 years old up, I'd say I've had 7) only 3 of them did. Number 1 fell in love with me and we are no longer friends now because it's too painful for him. Number 2 was only mildly attracted to me, it was never a real issue: as soon as our friendship got stronger, he put me in the friend zone (he never developed romantic feelings for me, luckily). Number 3 I am now in a happy relationship with (we were best friends for 2 years before we got together).

On the other hand, of these 7 true friends I was only attracted to 2. Number 3 I am in a relationship with. The other, number 4, I am no longer friends with because I fell in love with him and it was too painful for me. Number 5 I lost contact with because of life (distance etc). My deepest, truest friends (apart from my boyfriend of course) are the two guys, n. 6 and n. 7, whom I've never been attracted to and whom have never been attracted to me. We share the strongest bonds, we feel comfortable with each other *because* we aren't attracted to each other.

I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but in a hetero environment, there's always one half that would jump at the chance if the pants came off, and that's the majority of the reason they're hanging around as a friend.

Not always.
Also, if the majority of the reason they're hanging around is the one you say, then they aren't real friends.

OP: The risk about having a deep friendship with a member of the sex you are generally attracted to is that, even if at first you aren't attracted to them, you might develop feelings later on (it happened with my current boyfriend). Which can lead to extremely painful heartbreaking situations. Just be prepared, and make sure you "choose" a woman you don't find attractive AT ALL, so as to reduce the possibility of future changes in perspective.

[vashti]

Ok, that's your half of it. I can guarantee the guys you had no attraction to, who were actually there for you as a friend, had an attraction to you. I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but in a hetero environment, there's always one half that would jump at the chance if the pants came off, and that's the majority of the reason they're hanging around as a friend.

I agree. I didn't used to think it was true when I was young, but now I know better.

[searock]

I can assure you, neither of the guys I mentioned above (n. 6 and 7) find me attractive at all, and neither do I find them attractive. I agree with the fact that it's rare, I'm just saying that it's not impossible, and that *real* friendships have no hidden agenda of any sort.

[inflorescence]

You still can make female friends... it's never too late. Personally I prefer male friends over female friends I'm very athletic and find most of the girls I know are not. Suggestion in finding female companionship is join a co-ed sports team, most of those girls are really down to Earth, potentially in a relationship and it wouldn't be weird to ask them to grab a beer after a game etc. You have to be careful though, I find a fair amount of girls think that if a guy is calling/texting/hanging out he's interested.. might not be a bad idea to let them know your intentions so they don't fall for you... that would suck. If you live in Toronto give me a shout, *jokes*.

As a side note despite having a lot of male friends, most have admitted that they have at one time or another liked me, I don't know if I can ever believe that people can truly ever be strictly platonic if you are attracted to that sex.... just my opinion though. (Maybe possible if they're butt ugly... hahahaha)