How do I confront my girlfriend

[dj454]

I'll try and keep this brief. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. As I think most relationships go things aren't what they used to be. I take it in stride since we aren't married and she has said she never wants to get married again.
Here's the story. My.girlfriend went on a trip with her kids school. It was a few hundred miles away and they were gone for 5 days. She has always been good about staying in touch but after the beginning.of rhis teip she would barely respond to any texts and she wouldn't answer the phone. She didn't even.talk to her mom much which is strange. It bothered me just because of where she was I.was concerned for their safety even though they were in a group.She got snappy with me and told me she was too busy to text. Now I think a text saying we are ok isn't that hard to manage but whatever. It bothered me so I decided to leave her alone and it was 2 days before I hard anything feom her.. I tried to not let it bother me because I knew itwas a busy trip. When thet returned home late I let her rest that night and told her I.would see her the next evening.
The next day she texted me to say she was going to a bar with a girlfriend. Again it bothered me that she didn't seem to miss me at all. So it was the next day before I saw her because they stayed out late. She was quiet but I thought maybe she wastired. I noticed when she got a text that she had set up a lock on her phone whicg she never had before. Alarms were going off in my head this was my first clue with my ex wife. I kept my mouth shut and just observed. Other than a foot or back rub she didn't want to be touched and it had been a long dry spell. The next day her phone rang and she told me to get it because she knew it was her mom. Later she asked how did you answer my phone I have security set up buy it will let you answer incoming calls without the code. So I asked why did she set up a security code. She said because on the trip in case someone got her phone but she didn't take it off when she got home. I asked her what she was hiding which pissed her off but she did tell me her code. She then said I bet you look at the bill to see who I'm calling and that did seem like a good idea so I did. While she was gone one number came up alot. I thought maybe anothwr parent on the trip so I waited. Last night she went upstairs and left her phone downstairs and I was still up. I opened up her texts and there were no texts from that number from the trip. Another red flag. I checked the history on the phone and found some of the texts. Some were completly gone but there was enough. The whole trip when she disn't have time to call or text me or her mom she was blowing this persons phone up.It continued for a few days after the trip and ended after some odd texts. The unknown person texted my girlfriend while she was at work and asked if she was alone. She said she was at work but to call her direct exstension. The texts ended after that but there was 2 more phone calls one was 7 minutes and one was 9 minutes but here was the strangest thing to me she dialed the number with *67 whicg blocks caller id. I found that really odd. Well now my mind is all twisted up. I then checked to see if the day she supposedly went to the bar with a friend I looked to see if she even talked to her friend and she did but also texted an ex boyfriend and invited him to come too. Wtf she told me she knew I wouldn't want to go and listen to her friend. So I barely slept last night I wanted to wake her and talk but I don't know what to say. It looks bad but I can't prove anything. The most damning text between my girlfriend and unknown person was a couple of texts that seemed to have some previous texts missing. After unknown asked my gf if she was home or at work she said work but then the next text several minutes later said where and my gf said your house. I can't make that innocent in my mind no matter what I do. I don't know how to approach this. I got up this morning and took off driving to clear my head. When she woke up she called me and she knew something was bothering me but she said she knew she hadn't done anything. I said we'll talk later she wouldb't stop asking so I said she seemed like she didnt want me around anymore and it kept me awake and I quotr she said "you're goofy I can't believe you let that keep you up" I don't know how to approacg this.

[searock]

Please split your wall of text into paragraphs.

Your girlfriend is disrespecting your feelings. Her response to you confessing that you couldn't sleep because you felt like she didn't want you around anymore should have been of loving reassurance. Instead, she chose to make fun of your feelings and worries.

Talk to her face to face, tell her exactly how you feel. You need to communicate with her, rather than to check her phone.

[dj454]

Sorry about the wall of text I'm using a phone and it's difficult to post with.
I wish I could communicate better with her. I try but she belittles my feelings or gets angry or shuts down and refuses to talk. I'm not the type to just give up and walk away. I can because I have my own home but that's the easy way.
I'm hurt and I'm disappointed and a little angry but mostly hurt. I hate that I felt like I needed to check her phone but if it's past the point of being fixed I don't want to be used. I have caught her in lies before that she doesn't know I know about I don't usually confront her.

[IndiReloaded]

She's nervous b/c she is feeling guilty about something.

When you don't have all the data, but your gut knows something is wrong its often best to just stay cool. Imply that you know she's not telling you everything. Wait. LET her get nervous. People will usually give themselves to you if you can control your own fears and just wait her out.

FWIW, her behaviour does sound suspicious. Doesn't mean she's cheated on you but it could mean she's walking that razors edge or playing games. Her cries of 'I didn't do anything wrong!' when you haven't accused her screams guilt. Sorry, can't advise you further w/o knowing more. Wait her out, but stay detached.

[haxan]

but she said she knew she hadn't done anything.

From what you wrote, as a guy, I feel for you. Your gut is right.

Boy, the number of ways you can define 'anything'. The only problem with not hashing this out sooner than later, considering you see lots of smoke, is that 'if' she's done something YOU would define as 'anything' she's spent a lot of time rehearsing what she's going to tell you.

Hope it works out.

[dj454]

She's nervous b/c she is feeling guilty about something.

When you don't have all the data, but your gut knows something is wrong its often best to just stay cool. Imply that you know she's not telling you everything. Wait. LET her get nervous. People will usually give themselves to you if you can control your own fears and just wait her out.

FWIW, her behaviour does sound suspicious. Doesn't mean she's cheated on you but it could mean she's walking that razors edge or playing games. Her cries of 'I didn't do anything wrong!' when you haven't accused her screams guilt. Sorry, can't advise you further w/o knowing more. Wait her out, but stay detached.

I have done my best to follow your advice Indie. I almost lost my cool Sunday during lunch partly because I feel betrayed and a lack of sleep. I haven't slept but few hours since I.discovered the texts. I backed off and spent the majority of the day alone. I told her I had.to catch up on my house work but I had to cool off and clear my head. I ran the phone number through a reverse look up because I want a name to throw out and guage her reaction. I am waiting on the report to come back.
I did a little probing Sunday evening. She loves her feet to be rubbed and I jokingly asked how she made the trip with noone to rub her feet. She said she didn't have time that when they got to the motel she went straight to bed. I asked why they stayed out so late when all the museums close at five? I said did it take that long to get back. She said no about an hour was all. I asked so you went to bed that early?. She hesitantly said well I went out for drinks with the teachers and a few parents. Oh I said you never mentioned that. I left it at that. So that raises my concerns a little. I happen to know how she gets when shes drinking. She turns into a flirt. Her sister warned me about it and I've seen it firsthand.Her sister also told me she used to have to watch her when they went out drinking because she would get stupid and hook up with strangers. Hmm again the knowledge she went out drinking adds to my concerbs.
I'm afraid this isn't going to end well no matter what. I have developed a serious distrust now and no matter how talking to her goes I just can't see a good end. God I hate this.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm sorry dj. Just remember that is there is something fishy going on, you will be better off knowing and dealing with it. Good luck.

[dj454]

I'm sorry dj. Just remember that is there is something fishy going on, you will be better off knowing and dealing with it. Good luck.

Thanks Indie. I know I have to deal with it sooner than later. I dread it so bad but I won't see any peace until I do.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should just end it with her. Just tell her that you know she's up to something shady and you know she's not going to admit it, so rather than snooping around trying to catch her, you'd rather just be done with it all.

She will cry, beg, and plead. If you decide to take her back, stay detached and treat her as just a sex buddy for a while until you decide if you can really want to move forward or not.

[dj454]

Well I finally confronted her with the facts I knew. Of course she tries to put it on me and says she can't beloeve I.looked through her phone. I started by asking her about asking her old sex buddy out to the bar. She aaid he had been bugging her to go so she asked him. I asked why she would want to and she said she knew he would be at work and couldn't come so she just asked him since he had been wanting to meet ger. Keep in mind this is the guy who texts her and tells her he's fantasizing about her and he can't get over her. She said I.have nothing to worry about with him she would never sleep with him again. I asked aee you aware he just wants to sleep with you again and she said I know. So why does she keep talking to him?
Then I asked her about the trip and how she couldn't text or call because she was so busy. She said we were and I said well you were texting somebody. She said oh it was one of the teachers. I said no it was a man and you started texting him from the night you went out drinking. She said it had to be one of the teachers and I said no it was John Smith(I won't use the real name). She said he's married and has 2 kids. I say what difference does that make did you go out with him. She said no I went out with the girls. Then I said he texted and called you the following day to meet him at another bar. Then she said and I forgot my phone on the bus. Oh so now you remember is what I'm thinking. I said and you continued talking to him for a little while after the trip too. I asked her why he would text and ask her if she was alone so he could call her. She said oh yeah he called to ask me something but I can't remember what. She sucks at lying. I then asked her why after that she called him 2 times using *67. She said *67 like she didn't know it blocks caller id. She said I don't remember doing that I don't know why I did that. Well you did and it doesn't make sense to me. Then she starts in on me how I don't trust her and she can't believe I looked at hee phone. I asked her if you have nothing to hide why did you delete those texts then. She said she deletes stuff all the time. She doesn't either she never deleted anything except this. She can't give me a valid reason for it and she insists she did nothing wrong. My trust is broken she lied to me if nothing else about who she went out with that night.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So what are you going to do? Dump her, or be a pussy whipped, bitch about it? Right now you sound like option 2.

[dj454]

So what are you going to do? Dump her, or be a pussy whipped, bitch about it? Right now you sound like option 2.

Say what you will but the honest answer right now is I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm 37 and this is only the 2nd serious relationship I have ever had. I have grown close to her son as well because his father hasn't been around much lately. By leaving I would be leaving her but him too. I know he's not my kid but I.never had kids and I have grown fond of him and I believe he feels the same. He doesn't know any of this is going on and I would like to keep it that way. His dad left when he was 8 and I am the first man he has been close to besides his dad. His dad has really been letting him down the past couple of years and I have tried tobhelp where I could. So it's not as simple as I would like it to be. It's a no win situation and I won't be the only one losing. I'll figure it out but I won't make a rash decision.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So what the **** was the point of any of this??

If you weren't planning on doing anything, then why even go to all the trouble to figure out if she was lying or not? Why waste all of our time with this if you're not going to do anything? What was to point of confronting her..just to let her know that you know? If you don't do anything, it's basically a free pass for her to continue.

What is even the point of continuing when there is no trust on either end? Hell, she wouldn't even admit she was lying when you showed her the evidence, and she still refuses to come clean. At this point, you deserve whatever treatment you receive from her.

[dj454]

Did I say I wasn't leaving no I didn't. I just said it's not as easy as just saying f@#@ you and leaving

[IndiReloaded]

She's adding insult to injury, don't you see? Not only is she not apologizing to you, she's making it out as if *you have the problem*. Bet she locks you out of her phone now. Go and see. These crazy-makers come in both gender flavours, btw.

Some people only learn by having someone leave them for their poor behaviour. I'm sorry but this gal sounds without morals or respect for you. Only someone who doesn't respect themself would stay with a lying cheater. That's what she is.