guys...give me some help!!!

[Jezzy80]

hi. i'm new to this forum and am looking for some perspective...from the male mind =)

i have been in a relationship for a year and a half. he's five years younger than me (he's late 20's and i'm early 30's). i have been married before and he has not had any real relationships outside his high school sweetheart. he's had quite the list of short relationships/one night stands though.

i guess what i'm looking for is to share my story and see what you guys make of it....is he a keeper or should i bail? like i said, my significant other has limited relationship experience. him and i got together while i was ending my marriage....mistake number one, i know...we were friends, best friends and when i made the choice to end my marriage, it was partly for him. with that said, my marriage was over, my then husband was having an affair and it was at its end. while my significant other and i were in the "courting" phase (and before we were truly together) he was very attentive, affectionate, etc. once we could actually be together (my marriage ended and my ex and i went our separate ways) all of that stopped. the fire and romance and doting all ended and it became what it is now...which i cannot define.

my significant other cannot (or will not) express emotion towards me....he says "i love you" but i do not feel it nor does he show it. it's hard because i miss the man i feel in love with...the man who was sensitive and caring and affectionate. i know him so well that i know when to give him space, talk to him, etc....and he can acknowledge that he knows what i need but does not act on it. for example, if i know he is anxious about something i give him some space (which is what he wants) and just simply tell him that if he wants to talk i am always open to listening. when it comes to me, when i am anxious i need more support, not less (like him)...which he says he knows but fails to do...and then gets mad when i start to tweek out. and when i ask for more support he says he does not know how to do it or what do, despite my telling him exactly what i need.

is his lack of expressing emotion a maturity thing? or is it something specific to him (like a flaw, per say)?

he's also very confident....to the point of arrogance...if my opinion differs he tries to convince me i'm wrong...even if i don't feel like i'm wrong (because opinions are like a**holes...everyone's got one). he's very quick to judge and "correct" me, which i have asked him not to do multiple times. he's a control freak, which he acknowledges and he's also a smarty pants....and he has to make sure everyone knows how smart and talented he is. for example, at work today (we work together and do the same job) he talked to me, in front of our boss and our coworkers like i am a straight up idiot...which is ridiculous because i trained him and taught him everything he knows. and when i talked to him afterwards and told him how i felt he denied it. it's like he has no insight into his own behavior...like he couldn't have possibly done that because he's perfect.

he's someone who has been told his entire life by him mommy (p.s. he still calls her mommy and/or momma) and everyone else how handsome and smart and athletic and perfect he is...and it's kind of made him a monster. i got mad one day and told him i was going to knock him down a few pegs...which is not right of me and i know that...and he said that when people love each other they don't do that....which is true but at the same time, he lives in "the bubble"....and it's obnoxious.

guys...will any of this get better as he ages/matures? or is this just part of him? is there any hope of him someday realizing what he has (with me) and that he should treat me like i'm worth something...like he loves me? or am i just dreaming?

thanks guys....any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated.

[Sonrisa]

not sure if you'll get an honest opinion from males

[smackie9]

How can you lose something you really didn't have? This guy is a user, this all has been a sham and he is just waiting for you to end it. Sorry but he found you at a very vulnerable time, when your husband was cheating on you. You emotionally latched onto him, and during that time, in your state of weakness, he took full advantage of you. Wooing you, giving you the attention you so craved. Once you divorced he knew he didn't have to play this charade anymore....you were locked in, his mission completed. I see a guy that will manipulate to climb the corporate ladder, and you are his stepping stone to get there. He is trying to push his way past you by making you look incompetent in from of the boss, and maybe the next step he will plot to get you demoted or fired.

I hope for your sake the fog has finally lifted and you see what kind of snake he really is. Mommy is not to blame here....unfortunately it's you for not seeing the signs of the con artist he truly is. It's best for you to straighten your skirt and take this on a more professional perspective here. Number one, never ever date someone you work with. It can jeopardize your job, because now he has created a hostile workplace. When this relationship ends, and yes it will, it's going to cause more grief for you when he pulls off more stunts like he just did.

Reality check: this guy never loved you, he saw you as an opportunity to move up in the company. Before you dump his sorry ass, have a meeting with your boss to save your job.

[gardenofjade]

Yes, it gets better. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship now to save you future pain and suffering. Take sometime to get to know what you really want before jumping in again. jmho

[Jezzy80]

How can you lose something you really didn't have? This guy is a user, this all has been a sham and he is just waiting for you to end it. Sorry but he found you at a very vulnerable time, when your husband was cheating on you. You emotionally latched onto him, and during that time, in your state of weakness, he took full advantage of you. Wooing you, giving you the attention you so craved. Once you divorced he knew he didn't have to play this charade anymore....you were locked in, his mission completed. I see a guy that will manipulate to climb the corporate ladder, and you are his stepping stone to get there. He is trying to push his way past you by making you look incompetent in from of the boss, and maybe the next step he will plot to get you demoted or fired.

I hope for your sake the fog has finally lifted and you see what kind of snake he really is. Mommy is not to blame here....unfortunately it's you for not seeing the signs of the con artist he truly is. It's best for you to straighten your skirt and take this on a more professional perspective here. Number one, never ever date someone you work with. It can jeopardize your job, because now he has created a hostile workplace. When this relationship ends, and yes it will, it's going to cause more grief for you when he pulls off more stunts like he just did.

Reality check: this guy never loved you, he saw you as an opportunity to move up in the company. Before you dump his sorry ass, have a meeting with your boss to save your job.

hey....i don't disagree with you...it's just hard to admit to yourself, ya know? and i don't blame his mother...i made the choice and took action....that whole mom situation just adds to the weird dynamic of him constantly being reinforced that he's above everyone else. i'm just so disappointed in myself for not seeing the situation for what it is...and when i've asked him what changed, i.e. why he went from affectionate, etc. to present day he doesn't have an answer...just the typical "that's when you put best self forward" or "it's part of how it goes"....

no worries about my job....i do circles around him and they know it =) he makes himself look like an arrogant ass on a fairly regular basis which will ultimately prevent him from getting the respect he wants from the field we work in.

so where do i go from here?...

[Jezzy80]

Yes, it gets better. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship now to save you future pain and suffering. Take sometime to get to know what you really want before jumping in again. jmho

but what if what i want, what i dream of doesn't exist?

[smackie9]

so where do i go from here?...

Grab some self respect and get rid of this guy.

[smackie9]

but what if what i want, what i dream of doesn't exist?

You need to be more realistic. All those romantic movies and Harlequin romance novels are buckets of crap. You can't base your whole existence on the hopes of finding a Fabio......someday a "nice guy" will come along....please give him a chance.

[Jezzy80]

You need to be more realistic. All those romantic movies and Harlequin romance novels are buckets of crap. You can't base your whole existence on the hopes of finding a Fabio......someday a "nice guy" will come along....please give him a chance.

Smackie9, i don't know if you're really realistic or really negative =) i don't want fabio or a romance novel....i just want someone who will love me, value me and treat me with the respect i deserve.

[smackie9]

Then observe very carefully who you chose to date. So far your judgement is poor......like I said (change the pattern) date a "nice guy"....might not be so over the top charming, or the sweep you off your feet type....but will be very dedicated and loyal.

[haxan]

There's really 2 things that jump out at me. 1, is that you swung like a monkey on a vine from your husband to this guy, which you realize was a mistake, and 2, as smackie said, his main interest seemingly was being the other man (not the you wouldn't have left your cheating ex anyway).

Your maturity seems to be on a totally different level than his. Not to be rude, but you went from being forbidden fruit to an older divorced woman. It may or may not be the way he sees things now, but from what you've described he's already checked out (from a male's pov).

[dj454]

It sounds like there is a lack of maturity. I know a lot of momma's boys and I'm afraid you have your work cut out for you. In my honest opinion I don't think things will get any better. If you can live with it more power to you but I honestly doubt it will get any better. I'm sorry to say that but I've seen it too many times. Good luck to you. It sucks that you work with him too that's why I never dated anyone from work.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just end it. Send him a text telling him that he's too self absorbed, and you can't put up with it anymore. He seems apathetic to you now, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gets nasty with you. Definitely just do it through text.

[Jezzy80]

ugh....what you're all saying makes complete and total sense. i guess i was just really hoping (and i'm saying *hoping*) that maybe i was the a** in the equation, not him (granted, i have made some a** moves).

unfortunately we live together so ending it through text is not going to be the route to take. he's gone for the next 3 weeks working (so he can make some extra money) so maybe i should start things while i have the free time. he starts grad school in the fall so what little time and attention i get i know will be gone =(

[Jezzy80]

There's really 2 things that jump out at me. 1, is that you swung like a monkey on a vine from your husband to this guy, which you realize was a mistake, and 2, as smackie said, his main interest seemingly was being the other man (not the you wouldn't have left your cheating ex anyway).

Your maturity seems to be on a totally different level than his. Not to be rude, but you went from being forbidden fruit to an older divorced woman. It may or may not be the way he sees things now, but from what you've described he's already checked out (from a male's pov).

so, haxan, do you think he only wanted me because he couldn't have me? and now that he does, the interest is gone? the interesting part is that we were friends long before my marriage ended and he was very interested in me then...i didn't notice it but everyone else did...and that was way before he knew there were problems in my marriage (i kept that to myself until the end)...so, do you think he had true feelings for me then? or was it all a game?