I'd love the cold hard truth now (Why can't we be "friends")

[theDAVESiKnow]

I started a thread titled "Just some advice". I'll recap it real quickly:

I was with my girlfriend for 4 years. We broke up. 4 years went by. I continued to love her every day of those 4 years. We lost contact. She moved far away. She got in touch with me. We reconnected. We began reconnecting emotionally. She said things that could only be taken as she was considering getting back together. I let my guard down, and let her know how I felt/feel. She came home to see family/made time to see me. I've been considering moving, and was going to pitch moving to her area.

So we hung out on Friday, and it was amazing. It was as if no time had passed. Her words: "it's as if all the time apart just melted away". We didn't do anything special, just sat in my car and talked for hours. Physical contact was kept "PG" by both of us. Most importantly, we talked about the problems we had as a couple, the changes we've made, and hopes for our future. The night ended, and I felt as though a "peck" would be acceptable, she obliged, and I didn't get greedy. She had a wedding to go to on Saturday. So, we made plans to hang out on Sunday night, before she left Monday morning.

Saturday was nice. Even though she was at a wedding, she was texting all day, and it was all very sweet about Friday night. Clearly the atmosphere of a wedding had jostled a few more memories loose.

Today (Sunday) came, and needless to say I was feeling excited just to be around her again. I couldn't wait until the evening. Unfortunately her texts began feeling more and more indifferent as the day went on. Eventually, my excitement was trumped by the indifference and I simply asked (more of a confirmation) "So, tonight's a no?". She replied "Honestly, I'm pretty tired." Certainly understandable, (and this may be where I'm taking everything the wrong way). She asked if I was upset, and I replied "I don't really have a right to be, but it does suck considering that you're leaving in the morning". We proceeded to text for hours (so we may as well have just gotten together), and she began to ask about how I felt about her. Very specific feelings: Like if I regretted not proposing (to which I replied "yes" and elaborated to say how I couldn't picture myself with anyone else), and if I still loved her (which I told her several times friday, but again replied "yes" and again elaborated.) Several more questions of this variety came and went (and I continued to answer honestly) until eventually the tone turned more hypothetical. "What if I'm not ready for a relationship, and can only promise friendship?"

Really, this question is a death-trap to me, and she knows it. We've had many "on and off" periods with this condition, and I've always respected it. She usually breaks her own physical boundaries, and that had a lot to do with my part of the breakup: not being able to handle her preoccupation with friendship while continuing to be physical (cuddling, hand-holding) or say things that friends don't normally say to friends, and touch things that friends don't normally touch. I recognize the importance of friendship in any relationship, but right or wrong it's always seemed like a way for her to "keep me around" while temporarily demoting me. If there was a reason we had a 2 year "no contact" period (in which I had become convinced she had forgotten I existed until she re-established contact), this was it. I've been honest in the past, but right now I'm trying to be on my best behavior. I simply replied, "I've always been your friend, and it's always gotten complicated". So: not really saying no, and not really pointing fingers. She took it as "we can't be friends" and told me how disappointing it was to hear that from me.

When it becomes too late for us to get together and say all I needed to say, (admittedly) I freak out a bit. I told her how I felt, and said my goodbyes for the last time. Her reply was something to the extent of "why didn't you say all this the other night (I did, for the most part), "I was dreaming you would say these things while I was sitting with you" and "Relax, I'm just too tired to say what I'm really thinking".

She's gone in a few hours, and I haven't the slightest clue where she stands. I was going to suggest flying out her way for a little while tonight, a little late for that now: now I'm not even 50/50 on whether or not I should even bother asking (and hope she once again picks up the intensity), or if I should just break off contact (again). Any advice would be appreciated, and sorry if I rambled: it's been a long month, long week, long day.

[Wakeup]

How sad that you kept her in your thoughts and heart all this time instead of moving on and finding someone that actually wanted be with you, someone who you knew where you stood with, someone who doesn't use you as her real live cuddly bear, emotional catch all. Someone who doesn't need the safely of distance to keep you.

What a waste of time and emotion.

[Cerby]

She usually breaks her own physical boundaries, and that had a lot to do with my part of the breakup: not being able to handle her preoccupation with friendship while continuing to be physical (cuddling, hand-holding) or say things that friends don't normally say to friends, and touch things that friends don't normally touch. I recognize the importance of friendship in any relationship...

This is some screwed up sh*t right here.

[theDAVESiKnow]

I guess it is. Cliche as it sounds I just always missed the connection we had, and (obviously) our relationship had plenty of upside. That's what I was trying to hold out hope for. Now I'm not sure. Obviously this morning was "exciting" to say the least. Woke to several texts that came off as though nothing happened, and I was made to feel like shxt for having the nerve to be upset about getting blown off. I tried to (again) break contact off, at least for now, and I get "there's no reason we can't continue to reconnect. If there's an upside, after all these years of frustration, I'm pretty sure my heart is just a fleshy bomb first, and a lifegiving organ second. Ok, that was a joke.

"Safety of distance" certainly is appropriate here: she waits until she's on a plane to ask if I would ("hypothetically") move to be with her. I'd say I'm speechless right now, but I could vent all day.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds to me most of the 'connection' is coming from your end. Whether this gal really cares for you or not is not the point: her behaviour towards you is damaging and people who love, be it romantic or as friends, take care not to hurt the other. She's shredding you.

She's an emotional black hole. You sound absolutely sweet. Go find yourself a new girl and a new friend to give your heart to. This one will is eating yours like a pulled pork sandwich. I'm so sorry.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You don't sound sweet. You sound like pushover and a sap, considering that you've never even attempted moving on in four years. You should tell her you want no more contact. The girl can see she's got you completely wrapped around her finger still, and that's really unattractive. Fun to play with, but not attractive. In a few days tell her that you met someone and you want to see where it goes and you don't think being in contact with her would be healthy for you moving on. Then you have to stop responding to her. Good luck, but I suspect you'll be right back here soon.

Indie, I would kill for a pulled pork sandwich right now.

[theDAVESiKnow]

You're absolutely right! I'm not sure if I'm burning bridges, but I think it's best to go "emotionally unavailable" for the time being. Thanks for the kind words too.

[IndiReloaded]

We proceeded to text for hours (so we may as well have just gotten together), and she began to ask about how I felt about her. Very specific feelings: Like if I regretted not proposing (to which I replied "yes" and elaborated to say how I couldn't picture myself with anyone else), and if I still loved her (which I told her several times friday, but again replied "yes" and again elaborated.) Several more questions of this variety came and went (and I continued to answer honestly) until eventually the tone turned more hypothetical. "What if I'm not ready for a relationship, and can only promise friendship?"

Any advice would be appreciated, and sorry if I rambled: it's been a long month, long week, long day.

Last advice: never, ever have this kind of 'conversation' by text. Text and email do not convey adequately someone's emotions, particularly if they are confused. A quick 'love ya', 'miss ya' by email where you are confident of your partner = acceptable. Discussing if you regret not proposing = emotional landmine in the best situation, but texting is just hopeless. You should have immediately asked her for a visit or at least a phone call.

[cast no shadow]

You obviously still love her, and 'moving on' didn't happen in the last four years, so it won't be that simple right now..

She wants you, but comfused herself.
So why don't you try solve it together? You do have the option of being together, so why don't try?
It doesn't seem like you have something to loose, as you are already 'being with her' mentally.

And, if not that, I know me and my ex broke-up when I moved because it's not possible.
It was very reasonable back than, but it didn't stop me from falling apart now.
I think that for me if we kept in touch and not moving fast to the 'no contact' rule the break-up was less
traumatic, as it is clear that something that aren't "meant to be", or at least something that there is no desire
to make it happen will just fade out anyway.

So why don't try?