Couple of Situations I need advice on.

[SourceAvenger]

Okay,
My gf and I have been dating for over a year now we have been talking about engagement and everything. But there has been a few things in the last month or two that has made me very upset repeatidly that I just can't seem to get over. The things have been causing us big fights lately(which we get over rather quickly), but they seem to be repeating pretty often. I feel like I must also say that I am currently seeing a therapist for depression. Anyways I will go ahead and dealve into the situations/problems and hopefully someone will have some advice on how to handle it.

My girlfriend had an ex that she has known for 7 years. They dated for 3-4 years and were engaged a year or two before he ended up cheating on her and she broke off the relationship. After breaking up they had a on/off again relationship and ended up ultimately becoming "friends". Anyways the issue is that over the last year my gf has been constantly talking with her ex and sometimes confiding in him about our fights, her stress with her family and stuff, and some intimate relationship details. Over the last year this tore me more and more up inside and caused me to become extremly jealous as time went on. I ended up doing something drastic(getting access to her online account) to force the discussion and let her know how much it upsets me. I told her the next day about it in hopes that it would force us to discuss the problem instead of her avoiding it like she has the last year because she knew i didn't like it. Anyways she hinted that she had thought about breaking it off after this and that she decided not to. But after multiple discussions she finally decided to message her ex and tell him they can't talk anymore. This would be fine except for the fact that it has been making me feel like a peice of crap because I feel like even though I didn't say for her to break it off verbally it was sort of forced on her by my feelings about the situation. And to add insult to injury we have a texting app called hardscent that is set to 900 texts per person your talking to till it starts deleting the old messages. She let me pull files off her phone and reply to one of her friends who texted her. During that time I saw she had deleted around 140 text messages from the previous conversations with him and it was the ones I had talked with her about in the first place and why them communicating upset me. Now this causes me to get more upset because I care about her allot and want her to feel like I can trust her and me in return but when i saw that I couldn't help but question why. Did they have a conversation after the requested friendship breakup she asked for that she didn't want me to look at? Was she trying to hide messages from me I had missed when i had previously confronted her about this issue? I mean I care so much for her but I just feel stuck like if I let her keep talking with him it will eat me up from the inside out, but if I dont she will feel like I am a jealous/controlling bf and despise me inside for making her end the friendship. She just doesn't understand not only to me is confiding in someone of the oppositite sex about such things wrong, but making it worse is that aspect that he is also an ex. She just didn't seem to understand the betrayal I felt everytime she confided in him about all our private lives.

Secondly, We have had a second major point of dissention due to the differences in our childhoods. My entire family line is extremly heavy drinkers and alchohalics. I have watched everyone of my family members relationships break apart of be terrible mainly due to the drinking they were doing. I have seen multiple family members die from alchohal aswell due to the damage to their livers. She on the otherhand never had a bad experience with alchohal around her in her childhood and when she became an adult has never been around a bad situation with alchohal. I have had a stringent stance on drinking since I was much younger than now and she knows this. I had requested her not to drink at all when she goes for her birthday to the virgin islands since I wouldn't be there and do not feel like she would be safe possibly drunk on some island in the middle of nowhere without me there. I requested her to wait until she came back and she could drink at a restraunt while im there to feel like I can protect her no matter what she is doing, and to protect her from others. This was soley to try and compromise to make her try and meet me halfway. She only would agree to it if she could have 1 drink each day/meal from the bar and still get to drink allot more when shes at the restruant with me. Now I am not going to say im happy about either agreement but it just genuinly upset me that she had made ultimatum comments to me about it because she got mad I simply wanted to discuss it. Comments like "maybe I should drink while im their and just lie to you so you wont get mad at me". I really don't know how to proceed she is determined to drink and not just once but on multiple occasions, but I can't force her not to. I dont feel like shes caring at all about my hatred/absolute disdane for alchohal and only seeing that she thinks it will be fun and thats it. I have discussed all the pros and cons with her, covered it from logical, and emotional points of view both of which hasn't helped convince her at all. If anything it just made her more reluctant to work it out.

The issue is I know she loves me and me in return and she wouldn't physically cheat on me. But I feel like emotionally she might due to how close of a relationship they had. She has confided in him things about her family she didn't me at times and other things I found out she hadn't told me at all because she knew how upset it would make me. Even with all of this now with that happened she has made little comments hear and there like the following "What am I going to have to change all my pw's and lock my phone to a code you don't know so you can't access my accounts/information anymore". Comments like that have had me worried that she may be talking with him behind my back because she knows how much it upsets me and doesn't see any harm in it. The issue is that I can tell they both still care for eachother deep down and think about the past allot. It worries me with the whole combination of things. I feel like I can trust her but with how many times ive been upset and hurt with what she was discussing with her ex I am genuinly worried about her purposely lieing to me to keep me from being upset.

[smackie9]

You are a manipulative jealous person. She talks to her ex about personal stuff because she can't relate to you, and fears what repercussion she is going to get when she does. Secondly, she is an adult, she can take care of herself when she drinks. Stop acting like a parent and treating her like a child. All you do is restrict her, and scold her....it's no wonder she turns to the ex because they still have that connection that you will never have with her....and that is what pisses you off. No matter if he is written out of the picture, you still will never have that.

here is a link that someone has posted to let you see what kind of relationship you are having....Called a Fantasy bond. I never thought I would ever have to use this but in your case this is it. [url]http://www.psychalive.org/2012/03/the-fantasy-bond-defined/[/url]

[smackie9]

PS don't get married.

[VincenzoG91]

I can understand how the situation with the ex was stressful. But your issues with the old text messages and regarding her drinking make you sound like a control freak. If you can't trust her, then break up now. And if you don't even trust her judgment involving normal social drinking, break up now. Get some help for your trust and control issues before getting serious with anybody, because otherwise all of your relationships will end badly.

[Wakeup]

I agree with the others.. you're controlling and paranoid and you treat her like a child you need to take care of and who should be listening to her father without question.

Please get some councelling to get over your childhood fears, your codependent nature and your need to be in total control of this girl even when she's not in your company. If you don't want to do that, then I suggest you leave her before she wisens up and dumps you.

Sorry, but it's not her, it's you. You have baggage that you've never dealt with. You need to do more than Refraining from drinking in order to NOT be like all your relatives.

[SourceAvenger]

smackie9 thanks for your reply. I would just like to respond to it. First of all it wasn't that she couldn't relate to me its because during in the times we were fighting about stuff(were both very stubbourn at times) she would look for an out to vent to. She wouldn't always have access to vent to her friend whos a female so she would vent to her ex. I would ask her to just be brutally honest with me and let me know how shes feeling, why, etc to try and communicate and sort out the problem. She refused sometimes for a day or two to try and work out the problem and would stick to her guns and refuse to compromise/meet half way. And I understand that she is an adult its not that I don't trust her its that I don't trust the other people around her who might try to prey on her while shes a tourist on some island drinking for the first time... You know how many women have disappeared from that? Lots of them.... And I am not restricting her and scolding her, all I ever have done is tell her why something upsets me and ask her not to do it. I never get all upset, angry, or controlling about it. Yes if she forgets and does something that really really aggrivates me of course I'm not to excited about that but I never give her ultimatums about stuff. Even the thing with her ex she made the decision because I couldn't get over the feelings of jealousy due to the initmite relationship, sexual, and family details she had given to him in the past.... he would say something as simple as "Just don't get pregnant" and shed elaborate all about or foreplay and sex life and how were avoiding getting pregnant and stuff.... Also smackie9 I am not jealous of their "bond" I am/was simply upset with the things they would discuss with eachother I didn't feel it was appropriate for them to talk about. That was it.

VincenzoG91 thanks for your reply. I would like to respond to your comments now. Thanks for realizing how stressfull this can be at times. And yes I know the comments about her old text messages and her wanting to drink and my opinions on them may not seem like the most flexible. I have been making comprimises with her about the drinking in order to allow her to feel like I am not trying to control her. We have came to a common understanding/agreement on that issue now. The old text messages it's just hard to get over because she has had 6 boyfriends all of which she has had sexually related acts with and I have never had to cope with someones past like hers before its extremly hard to get over it. It makes it harder since she is my first major relationship, my first sexual partner, and truely my first real love. All of this makes it extremly hard to accept her past because I care so much for her and the though of her ever being with someone else in the past just eats me up inside... . I know I need to sort out the issues with my past don't worry. I won't break up with her as we are seeking external help for my past and our relationship issues. Hopefully this will all get sorted out.

Wakeup thanks for your reply. I would like to respond to your comments now. I do agree that I have had a hard time not being controlling. The first half of the relationship she was the controlling one who had almost complete control over the relationship due to me not wanting to rock the boat to much in my first real relationship. The later half I started to try and balance out the control between me and her and it has been extremly difficult cause now she cares about me so much shes giving into almost anything to try and make me feel better. Which is another thing that makes me feel bad because I feel like she keeps giving up so much stuff just for us to have a smoother relationship. I am actually attending counseling right now since I get it free through my University. We have already worked out a few issues and it has turned into a couples counseling with the focus on trying to sort out my depression. In August I will be refered to a new therapist who will be working with me on my anger issues related to my past. My current therapist leaves in August thats why. Anyways I have brought up all of these same issues to the counseler we will be working on them this thursday for the first time. But its actually not just me who has a bunch of baggage that was never dealt with. Me and her both actually do. The only difference is she got counseling 2-3 years after her initial breakup between her and her ex to try and get her over her past. So she has worked out and gotten over some of her past. I didn't realize mine was such an issue until a few weeks ago and we both got the idea for me to see a therapist to try and sort out these issues. I earnestly try not to follow in my families footsteps (heavy drug and alchohal use, very sexually driven(family members who raped and molested allot of children/adults), robbery, drug dealing, murdering, domestic abuse, etc) thats why I avoid anythign related to those issues because I don't want to end up in the same boat as them. And it doesnt help that most my family had the following traits (very manipulative, self-serving, users, control freaks, etc). I still try to avoid being in any of those catagories either but I think the only one I really land into much easier than the others is the control-freak catagory. I am a very stubourn person allot of times. I give in sometimes just so I don't feel like I am controlling her but I feel like unintentionally especially in the situation with her ex I had kind of forced her to end the friendship just due to how much it upset me. I kept telling her she didn't have to(and meant it) but my feelings of jealousy made her feel like it was the only choice.

P.S. I wanted to add that I am not denying I have my own issues I have accepted that I was only asking for advice on how to proceed with the situations and how I can attempt to get over her talking to her ex and stuff so she can resume her friendship with him. It's not that I don't trust her to physically not cheat with anyone its that I feel like she is emotionally cheating when she confides in her ex about things that she doesn't always confide in me with, or waits a long time to confide in me with the same information. I know she has been trying her best not to talk about anythign that would upset me with him over the last month or two but it was the things she told him in the past that drove me the most crazy. I would trust her with my life but I just get really concerned about close opposite sex relationships especially ones with ex's due to atleast 5-6 different family members and probably about 10 friends I know of who had a girlfriend/boyfriend do the same thing and then months/years later the ex and the girlfriend/boyfriend ended up making some huge mistake that at the time they wern't thinking clearly about like sleeping with eachother and then regretting it later.

P.S.S Thats why when she was going to be going to visit her ex on two different occassions I didn't feel comfortable with the idea. Because she wanted to me to go and meet him to hopefully allow us to become friends as well and I didn't like the idea of matching the past with the person(meeting them in person, getting to know them and their personality, their voice, etc). I just felt it would make it much harder to get over how I felt about him and her. Then when i said I didn't want to go she started planning to go visit him alone and stay with him while she was down there. Thats what really REALLY made me get super jealous was the fact she thought it would all be fine and dandy to stay with an ex alone in his house for a week 4-5 states away knowing they still were extremly close and still cared about eachother alittle(not enough to date but you get my drift). I just felt like she was willingly putting herself into one of the easiest situations to cheat in I had ever heard of. I mean how else could that situation had been any better setup for one of them to weaken their inhibition through drinking, stress, or overwhelming past emotions being brought on by being around eachother some much that they just give in and end up sleeping together. I have seen it so many times its not funny anymore and I am being honest. I don't feel like she would ever cheat on me but why put yourself in a situation to have a higher chance of it happening. Like how would she/anyone feel if I were to go to a really close friends house who was a girl my age who I had been in a 3-4 year relationship with and was engaged to in the past, plus had many sexual acts with, who I confided many of my relationship, sexual, and family information with. Aswell as still having small feelings for her and her for me. And this house was 4-5 states away and I would be staying alone with her for a week. No woman would want their boyfriend/husband to do that not because they think they would cheat but because they are worried that with enough manipulation, seduction, and fresh memories of my emotional attachment with her then I would eventually give in the week and sleep with her. Its the same way around I felt that I could trust her but at the same time I know people do not have an iron will and with enough effort someone can break that will. Especially if theirs weakpoints like past sexual and emotional connections that weaken that will in the first place. Its situations like this one I just brought up that really REALLY had me jealous about her ex and her's relationship with eachother. I mean it was almost like it was being setup specifically so I wouldn't want/be able to go and so they would have a whole week alone without me being able to ever be able to come over and visit.... It was literally the easiest to cheat in situation I could probably imagine.... Anyways I just want to repeat myself I love her allot and want to marry her in the future but I need to try and get this stuff sorted out first.... .

[Wakeup]

Well, I will say good for you for starting therapy to help you sort yourself out, Source.
As for the ex still being in the picture. You are not alone in your insecurity and jealousy there. There is a thread (or three) started every day in here about that very thing. Not too many people are happy with their partner still being in contact with an ex or even having opposite sex friends for that matter because boundaries are often crossed in those situations and when boundaries (personal and relationship) are crossed, that is when we (the general "we") have a higher chance of letting our vulnerability to the ex (or friend) get the better of us. As humans it seems we love possessively.

I think what you need to let go of is the guilt for one thing. Asking her to stop disrespecting you and your relationship is no reason to feel guilty. She should have been perfectly fine with cutting contact IMO however; you can not expect her to not vent to her friends (be it the same sex friend if you are more comfortable with that) or her parents for that matter. Everyone needs someone to talk to.. Even you but you've chosen to do it here.

As for her having a drink. You can not expect her to not drink just because you do not. If you went to Al-anon (which you should be considering who brought you up through childhood) then you'd know that you do not associate with abusers of drugs and alcohol but you have to learn to be around drinkers on occassion). If you want a non-drinker then you should find one and not try to change one into who you want them to be. Do you see?

As for your problems with wanting to control. That is one of the many symptoms of a codependent ~ You are an adult child of an alcoholic and you would do well to join Al-Anon and read up on codependency. Ask your therapist about codependency and if they are not familiar with treating it, I suggest you ask to be referred to someone who is.
Once you grasp the truth to the fact that the only person you have control over is yourself, the anxiety you feel when you think you are unable to control your gf will disappear and your guilt won't eat you up when you do suceed at getting what you ask for outright or through compromise where you both get a little of what you both want.

Good luck with everything and do seriously consider a meeting or two at Al-Anon. It's free so if it's not for you, then so be it but I think it will help you to cope with your inner demons. At the very least it will educate you on what codependency is. When you know what ails you, you can incorporate a cure.

[smackie9]

Well, I will say good for you for starting therapy to help you sort yourself out, Source.
As for the ex still being in the picture. You are not alone in your insecurity and jealousy there. There is a thread (or three) started every day in here about that very thing. Not too many people are happy with their partner still being in contact with an ex or even having opposite sex friends for that matter because boundaries are often crossed in those situations and when boundaries (personal and relationship) are crossed, that is when we (the general "we") have a higher chance of letting our vulnerability to the ex (or friend) get the better of us. As humans it seems we love possessively.

I think what you need to let go of is the guilt for one thing. Asking her to stop disrespecting you and your relationship is no reason to feel guilty. She should have been perfectly fine with cutting contact IMO however; you can not expect her to not vent to her friends (be it the same sex friend if you are more comfortable with that) or her parents for that matter. Everyone needs someone to talk to.. Even you but you've chosen to do it here.

As for her having a drink. You can not expect her to not drink just because you do not. If you went to Al-anon (which you should be considering who brought you up through childhood) then you'd know that you do not associate with abusers of drugs and alcohol but you have to learn to be around drinkers on occassion). If you want a non-drinker then you should find one and not try to change one into who you want them to be. Do you see?

As for your problems with wanting to control. That is one of the many symptoms of a codependent ~ You are an adult child of an alcoholic and you would do well to join Al-Anon and read up on codependency. Ask your therapist about codependency and if they are not familiar with treating it, I suggest you ask to be referred to someone who is.
Once you grasp the truth to the fact that the only person you have control over is yourself, the anxiety you feel when you think you are unable to control your gf will disappear and your guilt won't eat you up when you do suceed at getting what you ask for outright or through compromise where you both get a little of what you both want.

Good luck with everything and do seriously consider a meeting or two at Al-Anon. It's free so if it's not for you, then so be it but I think it will help you to cope with your inner demons. At the very least it will educate you on what codependency is. When you know what ails you, you can incorporate a cure.

Good answer!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dump her and find someone more compatible. She is really shady.

[smackie9]

" It makes it harder since she is my first major relationship, my first sexual partner, and truely my first real love. All of this makes it extremly hard to accept her past because I care so much for her and the though of her ever being with someone else in the past just eats me up inside.."

This is the root of all your issues and is pretty serious. You are making your insecurities her problem and I find that it will evenuslly destroy your relationship because she will start to resent you for it. Making her change some things for you because you have a hard time coping does NOT solve your insecurity problem. You need talk to someone on how to deal with your insecurities, like a counselor or maybe look at some self help books so you can understand your problem. If you don't deal with your insecurity issue it will follow you for the rest your life and interfere with all future relationships.

[SourceAvenger]

Wakeup I thank you for your great reply it really gave me some ideas on what my starting point should be. She actually confessed to me tonight that she had second thoughts about our relationship in the past around the same time she was planning on us possibly stopping by the house of her ex, or if I didnt want to go her going alone... So yeah now that makes it even harder to consider her talking with him again. He removed her as a FB friend and skype friend due to this whole thing. Whats sad about it was I was trying to explain to him how I was feeling so he would know I didn't hate him or think he was trying to get her to cheat on me but while I was writing it he said some pretty dicky stuff that ticked me off. He accused me of being violent(because jealousy can lead into that sometimes), then he called me irrational and said he would remove her for her safety. Its like wtf lol I was trying to smooth out the situation so noone was mad at anyone and he took the time to jab at me personally.... That right there still makes me know he still cares for her slightly more than just being friends.... I had written a really nice and formal message being as nice as possible and then he did that lol. Anyways i had considered today letting them talk again but I really don't see me being comfortable with it after the confession she had given me today and after the stuff he said back to me.... Also I went to al anon with my father when I was younger it wasnt a bad experience. I will bring up the codependence with my councelor today as I have to meet with her for our counceling session. Also the drinking issue has been resolved. She basically just wants to try it once on her 21st bday and doesn't have any intentions of drinking anymore after that. I agreed to let her drink 1 drink a night while shes on her trip with her father to the virgin islands as long as thats all she drinks each night. And when she gets back if she still wants to she can have a night where she drinks at a dinner we eat at so I can see her drink. We compromised .

smackie9 Thanks I will consider the issues with my insecurities thanks for the advice .

BackUpOrGetStng Thanks for your advice, although I probably will not follow it thanks for taking your time to reply here it was greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup I thank you for your great reply it really gave me some ideas on what my starting point should be. She actually confessed to me tonight that she had second thoughts about our relationship in the past around the same time she was planning on us possibly stopping by the house of her ex, or if I didnt want to go her going alone... So yeah now that makes it even harder to consider her talking with him again. He removed her as a FB friend and skype friend due to this whole thing. Whats sad about it was I was trying to explain to him how I was feeling so he would know I didn't hate him or think he was trying to get her to cheat on me but while I was writing it he said some pretty dicky stuff that ticked me off. He accused me of being violent(because jealousy can lead into that sometimes), then he called me irrational and said he would remove her for her safety. Its like wtf lol I was trying to smooth out the situation so noone was mad at anyone and he took the time to jab at me personally.... That right there still makes me know he still cares for her slightly more than just being friends.... I had written a really nice and formal message being as nice as possible and then he did that lol. Anyways i had considered today letting them talk again but I really don't see me being comfortable with it after the confession she had given me today and after the stuff he said back to me.... Also I went to al anon with my father when I was younger it wasnt a bad experience. I will bring up the codependence with my councelor today as I have to meet with her for our counceling session. Also the drinking issue has been resolved. She basically just wants to try it once on her 21st bday and doesn't have any intentions of drinking anymore after that. I agreed to let her drink 1 drink a night while shes on her trip with her father to the virgin islands as long as thats all she drinks each night. And when she gets back if she still wants to she can have a night where she drinks at a dinner we eat at so I can see her drink. We compromised .

Well, I still see an awfully lot of control in your "compromise" but if your gf is okay with what you've come to terms with together and doesn't feel resentment, then who am I to say anything?

Good luck with everything. Do seriously consider al-anon. You'll feel much better when you totally understand that YOU are the only one that YOU have 100% success at controlling.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You are delusional, and you're a ****ing psycho. No wonder she has second thoughts. Answer this question, what does she enjoy about your relationship?

Please come back and let us know when more of the same issues come up.

[dnna1]

Don't get married, even if is to get married, you will still be a divorce.

[John12]

Dear break up with him he isn't suitable for you