Yep. It happened.

[Bo]

The hurt isn't from him tho. Its b/c you finally realize he isn't the guy who could be the one who'd "have your back". Its the failed expectation. As soon as you realize that you are now free to go out and find that person who *will* be a real partner to you (and you to him), the hurt will be much less. You'll see that both of you are actually better off. Remember, his behaviour was preventing *you* from being a good partner for him also. Its doubly disappointing when you think of it like that, and therefore doubly good that you two are finally moving on.

That's a good point indie, thanks. And yes his behavior was preventing me from being the girlfriend I wanted to be. I was depressed a lot, or in a bad mood. I reacted badly to what he would do and then because I reacted badly the tables were turned on me like it was all my fault in the first place. I always apologized even when it wasn't my fault. I wanted to be the "perfect girlfriend" that he wanted but I couldn't. In order to do that I'd have to shut up and look pretty and not have an educated opinion about anything. He always put me down for my choices in my college courses. And since fall I'll have two quarters left until I'm done at my community college with my women's studies certificate, I have so much to look forward to. He was never proud of me for anything.

[Bo]

Don't most all abusers say such things? Words mean nothing when they are'nt backed up with action. Don't even consider taking him back. He needs therapy before he'll be ready to be anyone's decent partner. If you feel yourself weakening and wanting to believe his words that have no substance then consider getting your own bit of councelling to help you be stronger in your conviction of not ever wanting anything to do with him again.

This is the perfect opportunity for you to make yourself your number one priority. You now can concentrate on making you the best you that you can be without worrying about all the stuff that made you angst ridden and insecure during your time with him. In time (and what you do with your time) you'll look back and be glad you're free of him.

There's a lot of regret there. I wish I could go back and just continue being friends like we were before we started catching feelings for each other. I had to cut off all my guy friends because he didn't think that I could have guy friends without hooking up with them or having romantic feelings. But he was allowed to do anything if I questioned him I was a jealous bitch and I want to control him. I always told him he could have friends who were female but I want to know who they are. Now I know why he thought I couldn't have guy friends it's because he was incapable of looking at any woman without getting a hard on probably.

[IndiReloaded]

Don't most all abusers say such things? Words mean nothing when they are'nt backed up with action. Don't even consider taking him back. He needs therapy before he'll be ready to be anyone's decent partner.

I agree w/not taking him back, Bo. But as for the therapy for him.. .meh. Therapy is rarely the magic bullet everyone says it is and is of limited value for most people w/standard-issue life problems. Therapists are like lawyers, they create their own business. I've met several and IMO most of them are as messed up as the people they are trying to help. We could easily stand having at least 1/2 of them dropped into the middle of the Pacific. He can go to the library and read a book on conflict resolution for a fraction of the cost if he really wants to change. There is no lack of 'experts' out there on personal development.

Bottom line is he has to care enough to really want to change, otherwise therapy is just another distraction (or even fuel for) his bad behaviour. Some people are just assholes and they are quite happy to be that way. Some people like assholes, for whatever reasons they have (messed up or not, who knows, who cares if it works for them).

So, I agree with Wakeups final advice, which is to move on and focus on yourself. Its past time and you deserve it. Good luck.

[Bo]

Yeah it's just been really difficult moving on. I keep having irrational thoughts about us and it's rediculous. I need to keep my head focused on school and get myself into right mindset. I agree unless he wants it therapy wont help but I think he's mentally sicker than the average person. Something is really not right in that head of his.

[vashti]

I think he's mentally sicker than the average person. Something is really not right in that head of his.

All the more reason you will be glad you didn't end up stuck with him for the long run. Do your grieving, and be done with it all.