Homesickness Threatening Relationship?

[ZBov82]

First and foremost, thanks to everyone in advance for your advice. I have a problem that’s weighing heavily on my mind and I feel like there’s no easy answer to it. Here’s story behind my situation: I (29, male) moved to a city of about 200k in the South from a city of about 700k in the Midwest about a year ago for a job. About six months ago, I met and started dating someone (25, female – I’ll call her M) who also moved to the south from the Midwest. Things went extraordinarily well from the start: we both fell in love, and for both of us we’ve never felt so strongly about someone. She moved in with me about a month and a half ago, and we’re moving to a place of our own in two weeks. I feel very strongly about her, and think I’ve found the one, and I know she’s felt the same way (and has told me that in the past).

Here’s the problem: we’ve both had trouble adjusting to the new city. Both of us have had problems making friends and, in general, do not like the city or the culture. M’s had another problem: a really, really bad case of homesickness. Even early in the relationship, I had fears that she would move home and I would lose her. I mentioned my fear about two months in, and she made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t going to leave to move back home. Since then, the homesickness issue has arose a couple of times, but I have generally felt she was starting to do better with it. Things changed recently. M worked in a temporary role at an office for the past two months. About a month ago, they decided to hire her full time: it was a major promotion and a huge break for her that she was excited about. But about a week and a half ago, without warning, they abruptly said they wanted to go in another direction and let her go. It was a major blow for her.

It’s been a week and a half since M was fired. During that time, she’s been in a major funk and her mood has swung up and down. About five days ago, she had a major bout of homesickness. She cried for a bit after speaking to her family on the phone and the next day she almost had to leave work it was bothering her so bad (the agency let her finish up the week, which she did because they needed the money). At that point, my fears that she would leave reemerged, and we wound up having an emotional conversational about it. She revealed to me that the homesickness had been a lingering problem that was bigger than I had thought. It had been weighing on her emotions, and she really misses her family. Making matters worse, travel costs (time & money) make it difficult for her to make frequent trips home. She is trying to go in a few weeks, though. We discussed my fears about her leaving, and she reiterated that she’s not going to go. The problem is I’m still extremely worried about it, and it weighs on my mind a lot. Its a rock in a hard place situation for her: she wants to move home, but at the same time she can't leave me. I’m worried that when she goes home and sees her family it will be an emotional experience where they try to get her to come back. I’m sure this will tug on her heart strings, and I’m worried she’ll leave. Even if she stays, I wonder if she'll ever be happy here given the homesickness.

That’s my (long-winded) story. I apologize for the length, but felt the details were necessary to give a full picture of the situation. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I can’t constantly ask for her reassurance, but I can’t seem to squelch my fear, which is a constant concern. I’m not in a position where I can move right now, while other than me there is nothing to really keep her here. Does anyone have any advice on how I can relieve my fears? Just as important, does anyone have any thoughts on how I can help her with her homesickness?

Thank you for your help – this is a difficult and emotionally taxing situation for me and I appreciate the advice.

[pisces25]

If she moves back can you guys try long-distance? I mean it won't be easy but maybe there will be a point where you will eventually move to where she is?

It's a difficult situation and I feel for you. It will be hard but I think you need to support her decision either way. If she stays but isn't happy that will manifest in other ways in your relationship and things could get rocky. Plus if she stays because she feels obliged to it could cause resentment. Also you need to think of the type of life you want. It sounds like she is going to find it hard to be away from her family so are you willing to live in the same place, where her family is, without moving around when opportunities arise?

One other thing, things have moved quite quickly with you guys, living together after 6 months and stuff. You are still very much in the honeymoon period. Just keep this in mind when making decisions.

[AnsonCent]

Hi ZBov82.

Firstly, it’s good that you both are at least communicating about the situation on some level. Additionally, it’s healthy that you are reaching out for assistance. You should feel good about doing so. So thank yourself for seeking help in your time of need.

All emotions aside (for now) there are a few fundamental things you can do in your situation that will be of great service to you. Let’s approach the situation calmly and openly. Let’s understand a couple of pieces in the chain (based on what you have expressed). You have an arresting fear based on her need and desire of wanting to be with family. Having a fear of her needs is really counterproductive in a relationship, as I am sure is not new to you. I say it so we can start putting some emotional logic to the situation. When we begin to organize and put order to the situation we can get some relief and create a space in which to utilize our higher intellectual faculties to really start generating some positive progress.
So, for you, your homework will be to better understand your fear. This is being honest with yourself as to why you have such an emotional charge of her leaving. Why is that such a big fear for you? Now, I am sure you have explored this but maybe we can take it another step deeper to understand who and what is really authoring that fear. So think about that for a bit. What do you see if she should leave? Picture that emotion and give it a face or image. Endeavor to understand that image. That may be a healthy task for you right now so we will leave that there.

Now for your partner, give yourself some distance from your fear by understanding you are capable of doing anything you need and want to really do to help your situation. And yes, that entails, finding money, breaking leases, moving, finding a new job etc. The point is you can do anything – it’s a choice. Even if you don’t know how right now, that’s okay. You just need to recognize that is possible so you can be independent from your fear for a bit so you can be of real benefit to your partner.

Extend a similar type of questioning to your partner about why she needs to be so close to her family. Why is her longing so strong? Why does she absolutely need their support? What does she feel she is lacking? Does she not feel safe? We want to go beyond the surface level of obvious emotions of just wanting to be close to family because they are her family. We really want to understand the ‘why’. Help her generate an image of that fear, because understanding her wanting to be close to her family IS due to fear. You both just have to identify the fear and start understanding the author of her and your fear because as you start getting deeper and closer to them (fears) you’re probably going to be enlightened that neither of you were the authors of those fears. Once you start moving to that level of understanding you can gain some freedom from those fears.

Next, if you are both really committed to making this work and wanting to change you situation you need to shift your emotional focus. Start being exciting about you are moving to a new location and place which is going to be exactly what you want it to be for both of you. Layout a plan for 1 year from now – make the day in which you choose to do this your starting point (day). If you both do not like where you are living, and the environment - layout a plan to change it…The end goal might be to move back to a home city or new city which offers the things you both want. Don’t worry about the ‘how’ for right now because we need to focus on the ‘what’ and ‘why’. So to further simply the plan here’s an example:

Starting Point (Day in which you commit)

Ending Point (1 year)

What’s going to get you from beginning to end? Purpose – “Our purpose to move back to Wisconsin is to be close to good friends and family that provide us the emotional nurturing we still need and that will elevate us to our next level of growth”.

Start filling in things you would like to accomplish or need to accomplish before you move:

• Pick an apartment in an area you want to live in
• What type of work would you like to do there
• How much will it cost to move there? (designate a day to calculate a real number)
• 6 months in reward both of yourselves for having reached and checked off some listed short term goals or milestones
• Set aside a month to go visit and look at places

In between this transition plan you both can do things to help each other. If you partner needs to be around her family and you both understand why, it might be beneficial for her to define an arena where she could be of service and receive support for her valuable talents. Generating higher value of one’s self is a great secret of progress. So many people lack to confidence which generates clarity in life and opens us up to our true talents. Anyways, she could volunteer at an adult day care, work with children in need, or something of that nature which is in the vein of being around people for love, support and compassion.
The other thing I will tell you is to be mindful of not making decisions based on fear. Creating a plan for your partner’s own emotional benefit will do nothing for you because you are not giving recognition to your own personal needs. You have to begin to communicate on a level of want not level of lack. Move towards those wants because they are good for you. Stretch yourself today to find one more thing to be proud of YOU about.

So breathe and give yourself some quite time. You and your partner are not stuck or trapped. Just begin to understand what you really want and why…

[ZBov82]

Thanks to both of you for the replies. Obviously its a difficult situation and I appreciate you're advice. Both of you make very valid points. We spoke the last couple of days (which is extremely difficult on both of us, and she hates talking about it), and my fears are real unfortunately. She has thought actively about going back, and I'm the only thing keeping her here. She said that she is staying for now and is going to do her best to make it here, but can't promise me that she's going to be able to stay here long-term (say more than a few months) if things don't start going better in her life. I'm very worried about pisces' point that she may grow to resent me if she stays. I feel like I'm a problem in her life because I'm the only thing keeping her in this city. If it weren't for me, she'd be long gone.

Thanks for the detailed advice on evaluating fears and setting a plan Anson. I sat down and thought through my fears. I'm going to see if she'll sit down with me tonight and see if we can put together a joint action plan to get to where we want to be to make things easier. Hopefully she'll do the fear exercise, which I think is helpful and at least helped to put things in a little better perspective for me, but she generally doesn't want to talk about it. At the least, I hope that putting down an action plan will help make things easier and help her realize that we won't be here forever and she'll be closer to home soon.

[littleme_]

Hi!

I know all about homesickness! I moved far far away all by myself, away from all of my family and friends and everything I knew. I was homesick for the longest, and still am every now and then, but there are ways of getting over it or at least cope with it.

Take her to different awesome places around where you live, find resturants, bars, amusmentparks, zoo's, hiking trails, whatever your guys enjoy doing. Make her have a lot of fun which both will take her mind of being homesick, and create a better contection between her and her new city. Friends are super important too, but can be really hard to make in a new city. Perhaps she can take some classes at a school, or some exercises classes where she has the oppertunity to meet new people. [url]www.meetup.com[/url] is a great site to find groups within your area that share the same interestes as you where she might be able to find some friends!
If you guys dont have Skype, get it right now and start video chatting with her family back home. Distance feel so much shorter when you actually can see the people you are talking to, not just hear their voice. And use it often! Me and my mom video chat every other day, I almost feel closer to her now then when I lived in the same city as her.
Homesickness sucks, but its possible to overcome it. You just have to start thinking postive thoughts and push through.

Good luck! Hope she finds a cure to her sickness soon!

[Jones12]

thumbs up

[Jason2]

Good luck!

[ZBov82]

Thanks littleme. I think its a combination being depressed after the job loss combining with the homesickness that's been the issue with her. In a way, I think that's made the issue more difficult. She also has hypothyroidism, and ran out of medicine a couple Weeks ago. Hypothyroidism is linked to depression, which can't help things. She goes to the doctor for that tomorrow.

Overall, M has been doing better the last few days. She's making a good effort to get involved and make the best of it here. She's applied to jobs, looked into taking classes in the field she's looking into, applied to be a volunteer at a charity, and we've started looking at dogs again (she always had one growing up). So hopefully she's able to settle in and be happier here. I think she's going to give it a good shot. In the end that's what this is going to come down to: if she's able to be happy here outside of our relationship I think we'll be in good shape, otherwise she's going to be pulled toward home.

[Jessica12]

I am also very homesick, this is a very serious problem.