Confused, but I want it to work (long)

[applecyder]

First of all thanks for looking this over. I'm not really looking for an answer as I am looking for advice or just to hear what I need to hear. Ha, sorry if that sounds selfish.

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Last month I asked a girl I work for her phone number after deciding she also seemed somewhat interested in me, and she agreed. We talked alot and at first I was insanely nervous but after a while it got easier. I was shy and polite at first. We started talking regularly, every day even. We talked well into the night after only about 2 weeks of talking, and stayed up until morning a few times. What we talked about seems signifigant to my story. I told her from the beginning that I loved talking to her and that I thought she was an amazing person. She seemed to like to listen more than talk, and I had things I felt that I wanted to say. So I told her all about me, about all my personal thoughts and dreams. I did it because I trusted her, and I think I thought it would solidify our relationship or make her have those kinds of feelings for me I guess. She didn't really say much to me however, just kept telling me how much she liked listening. We both admitted we felt 'something special' between us. It felt very special and I could feel that she was falling for me during that time. Once we both agreed that if anything happened between us it would build up and explode and be wonderful.

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We finally went out and it went so-so. Basically she treated me very profesisonaly and didn't show any real signs of interest overall. However, she had reacted nicely to my advances before (at work). The problem seemed to me that I was expected to make all the moves, and I didn't know when was too soon. She told me later that at the movie she felt 'out of her element'. She also said that she simply wasn't thinking about anything with me in particular. At this point I began to think I was moving too fast.

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Our second date was the next week and we went to a lake. All went well but she didn't seem interested in anything special with me, and looking back I feel silly. All I wanted to do was hold her hand but she didn't act like she wanted to. We did but it felt forced. The date as a whole went well when I stopped advancing and we just spent some time togther listening to her ipod. The final part of the date was that as I was leaving she gave me a really dreamy look and didn't seem interested in me leaving, like she was expecting me to do something. I didn't, but I told her later I felt I wanted to, but she only acted suprised, nothing else.

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Moving on... a few days after the second date I was getting frustrated at her about her acting indifferent about us. I wanted some kind of answer, and I told her this on the phone later that night. I told her I didn't think it was fair for her to 'treat me like this'. I basically forced her to make up her mind. Of course the next day she told me she only wanted to be friends. BUT later on she tells me that she still wants to 'leave the door open' for something more. *sigh*

So now that's where we are. I felt kinda bad because we don't talk anywhere near as much as we used to. I feel like I messed all this up. Recently she got mad at me on the phone again because she is 'sick of all the drama'. It sucks because all I can think about is what we had.

Everything is pretty much okay, until recently she starts treating me like she is interested in me again. I feel stupid and defensive because I don't want to get my hopes up again. At work I try my hardest not to seem torn. While at work she talks to me little and treats me exactly like she did before, I just don't flirt with her as much as I did before.

So where am I right now in my head? Well, I think I totally messed up by rushing her before, and I wish I could do it over again. As for our future, I think I should cool down and not think about her, no matter how infrequently she calls. I think I should just sit back and wait for her to make a move. It sucks because I feel if I don't act she'll think I'm uninterested, that's the hardest part. But I tried acting overly interested. I guess it's time to try something different. I also feel that she should understand why I want to talk about it and not want to skip over the topic all the time. But I know I thought about it too much, I just feel she thought about it too little.

Basically I think we're really compatible but both of us are imperfect and we already had a bad experience. But I still have feelings for her and I don't want to just 'walk away' from this.

Random Thoughts:
I feel frustrated about her never saying anything but obviously having certain feelings.
I feel like we would have a wonderful relationship if I could only get things right.
I feel like I have to do everything.
I feel like I rushed her too much.
I feel like sometimes she totally is interested in me, and other times she totally isn't.
I dwell on the negatives too much.
I feel like she should understand my feelings more.
I feel like she might not be ready for a relationship.
I feel like nothing is ever really good enough for me, and that's not good.
I judge everything on the 'now' and have a hard time recalling the good times.
I'm okay with just being her friend.
I'm happy overall, just a little confused about all this.
She told me before that she worries a TON, but she won't share her thoughts with me.
I have a strong feeling she wants it to work too, I just don't know how to make it work.


PS:
All I can think about is: "We don't talk as much as we used to" and "She doesn't seem bothered by the fact we aren't as close as we were". Any advice on how to stop this dumb way of thinking? I know it's wrong.

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Thanks a ton for reading, sorry if it's hard to understand.

-applecyder

[Prodigal]

Seems like she's scared to make a commitment. This is a big problem, but it's a bit more common than you might think. She seems to be interested in you, but she probably also seems to think you're moving too fast. I think that the pre-relationship jitters are getting to you. You know, you've met the girl, you've flirted a bit, and now you're seriously thinking of taking it to the next level. It seems to be changing the way you do things a bit. Although this is normal, I tend to see that the thought of a relationship clouds the actual personality. As in.. you're not so much yourself anymore.

I think that's the most important thing when it comes to diving into a relationship. These relationship jitters may be hard to avoid, but I think they can be ameliorated by literally not thinking about it so much. I would definitely say talk to her. Girls get mad when you don't call them for some reason (I'm still learning this myself xD ). Don't, however, stress the fact of a relationship. Like you said, you're happy with being friends. Just be you with her... don't 'try' to be anything. You say that you're not trying hard enough, or you tried the wrong thing. Don't worry about that; I believe that things smooth themselves out and that you go on instinctively. Tampering with that process tends to screw things up. Just keep having conversations with her. See if the spark is truly there. Believe me, you will know. If it is there, you'll know in your heart what to do, and it'll come naturally. Don't force it.

Good luck!

[applecyder]

Thanks Prodigal, it feels nice to have another opinion on this. I really appreciate your reading. What you said makes alot of sense. I'll keep everyone posted.