What do I mean to him? I really need some advice.

[beth_1984]

Sorry it's such a long post.

We have know it each other for nearly a year and I can safely say I have never met anyone who I connect with as deeply as I do with him. It's not just that we have everything thing in common (except Marmite, I hate it and he loves it) but we just seem to understand each other in a way I can't even find the words to describe.

It's almost like we are magnets we just can't seem to stay away from each other, it's just sparks fly on every level (physically, emotionally and spiritually) there is a massive energy between us that I have never experienced before. Basically every moment we spend together is sex without touching

The problem is he has a girlfriend, there relationship is not great and they argue most of the time. He has always said that he knows its not right but she has a hold over him and he can't get away.

Now they have split up a few times for a couple of weeks or so, and whenever this has happened we have ended up together. This has happened three times in total and the first two times I thought it was just drunken hook ups and everything was fine between us afterwards. Yes it hurt that he got back with her but I always saw it as his life, his choice.

However a month or so ago when they last split he made it clear to me that he want more from me than just friendship (to be honest it was clear he felt that for a lot longer) and we spent an amazing week together and then BAM he gets back with her again without even giving me an explanation.

I'm really confused about why he did this. I just have this gut feeling that he feels the same about me and I'm not a girl who kids herself when it comes to matters of the heart. We have both been trying really hard to keep distance between us, he must want to try and make that relationship work (even though it never has) and I'm trying to be respect of that and not get hurt any more.

But we are both struggling with the distance we both know things have to change but we are both struggling with it, the way are lives are intertwined makes it very difficult/impossible to have no contact.

I guess what I want to know is does he really feel anything for me or was I just an ego boost? It honestly feels like we are soul mates the connection is that deep and we have talked (not in length) about what happened and he said that he wished he had met me before he met his girlfriend. To be honest he is not very good at opening up about his feelings.

Are we ever going to get together?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Dakini1]

This is really tough. Sorry you have been put through all of this. The thing is that even if he does have feelings for you, just the fact that he is getting with you during the break ups and runs straight back to his girlfriend immediately the second he gets the chance, it shows me that he is on the rebound and using you for an ego boost. If he does have some feelings for you, he is still not treating you very well.
My advice is to steer clear of him as much as possible. Don't let yourself be pulled into any rebound thing again. It will just diminish yourself in his eyes. If he breaks up with her again, make sure there is a good amount of time between the break up before you get together, just so you can know for sure he is absolutle not going back and not on a rebound. Let him sweat a little, it will make you more desirable.
My current boyfriend and I started out under similar circumstances and I wish now I did things differently then. It's left a bitter edge to our relationship that has been hard to erase. Heartache at the beginning of a relationship is not a good omen. Whatever happens and Whatever you do, have clear boundaries and and make sure her treats you with respect. And don't hang around waiting for something that may never happen.

[Jones1]

I want to know that you love her, I don't know what you mean.

[Jason2]

It blows my mind

[Beth_84]

Hello Jason2,

What blows your mind exactly?

[Wakeup]

You're being naive and you are fantacizing that what you have together is more than sex when it is not. Sure he enjoys your company and what you do when you are in each others company but he does not love you. If he did there wouldn't be a need for you to start this thread because you'd be happily in a monogamous and committed relationship with you.

I suspect he just keeps the two of you on the hook and is enjoying the sexual addiction you both have for him. I suggest you learn the difference between love and lust and once you do, you'd hardly consider him your "soul mate."

You don't love yourself much or you'd not let anyone treat you like this man treats you.

This is an psychological addiction you're in the middle of so please don't taint the word love by thinking what you have with him is that. You'll find (if you ever get the strength to quit your habit) that the longer you stay away from this man and not let him walk in and out of your life on his whim the less you'll feel like you need another hit of him and the next thing you know, you'll be open to finding a man that does actually love you.

You are a sure thing that he enjoys returning to when he gets a little bored with the other one. I'd tell her the same thing if she were to start a thread about him and how he treats her.

[Beth_84]

Wow OK Wakeup, I have come upon a few of your post this evening and although your advice is, I hope, well meaning I have the feeling you are harbouring a lot of rage.

In the 9 months + that we have know each other we have slept together 3 times, the rest of the time we just talk and talk about everything and anything, I can safely say the things we have spoken about are not the sort of things you discuss with someone you are just sleeping with. He is a very private person. Yes there is lust between us, it's called a physical attraction, without which intimate relationships would be very difficult.

Your comments are highly personal and rude to the point of being Unnecessary , may I suggest that you deal with your own issues, anger for example, before dishing out advice to others.

[Asip4u]

Wow OK Wakeup, I have come upon a few of your post this evening and although your advice is, I hope, well meaning I have the feeling you are harbouring a lot of rage.

In the 9 months + that we have know each other we have slept together 3 times, the rest of the time we just talk and talk about everything and anything, I can safely say the things we have spoken about are not the sort of things you discuss with someone you are just sleeping with. He is a very private person. Yes there is lust between us, it's called a physical attraction, without which intimate relationships would be very difficult.

Your comments are highly personal and rude to the point of being Unnecessary , may I suggest that you deal with your own issues, anger for example, before dishing out advice to others.

I don't see any rage in Wakeup's post really. I mean, maybe she's being straight to the point here and not wanting to spare your feelings..and that's how it should work at all times. You may not be having sex with this guy regularly but if you think he cares that much about you (which he has shown over and over that he really doesn't) you are in for a rude awakening. See, a lot of people come on here wanting to hear certain things like "oh yes he's definitely in love with you".."keep being with him"..and so if they get anything else they get offended.

[Beth_84]

I am all for being straight to the point, it's the best way to be and I respect that you have been that way with me too. But the difference is you have kept your opinions to the subject matter at hand, your response was polite, honest, thoughtful and it is the same opinion as Wakeup but it's all in delivery and tact in expressing what you think, two things I feel Wakeup clear lacks.

I know full well that he doesn't love me and, as I do have self respect I would never "keep being with him". My sadness/confusion is more that I lost someone who I felt I could truly connect to. And to be completely honest my pride is bruised.

[TeeJay19]

Sounds to me like he has some feelings for you and he know's you're better for him than his girlfriend, but for whatever reason his heart and his real passion lies with his GF. That's the feeling I get anyways, based on how he said he wished he met you before his girlfriend. Sometimes, against our better judgement, we're drawn to people we know are wrong for us.

I think you have to forget about this guy and move on. He's had lots of opportunities to be with you and if that's what he wanted then he wouldn't have ran back to his girlfriend. Go out and find someone who's as crazy about you as you are of them.

[Wakeup]

I am all for being straight to the point, it's the best way to be and I respect that you have been that way with me too. But the difference is you have kept your opinions to the subject matter at hand, your response was polite, honest, thoughtful and it is the same opinion as Wakeup but it's all in delivery and tact in expressing what you think, two things I feel Wakeup clear lacks.

I know full well that he doesn't love me and, as I do have self respect I would never "keep being with him". My sadness/confusion is more that I lost someone who I felt I could truly connect to. And to be completely honest my pride is bruised.

Sorry.. it's the way I see it. It's not meant to offend.. I don't know you so don't let my "tone" throw you from the message. I stick by my response though at is is clear to me and YOU as well that the best course of action is to keep this to a business relationship and hopefully you've learned a clear enough lesson about getting with guys that are already got.



BTW: Thank you Asip for taking my words at face value.. and, you're right there is no rage in them.. just straight up the way I see it.

[Asip4u]

Once you get so attached, sometimes it becomes way too difficult to move on so i can understand OP's frustration from that point.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I understand it as well but what else can she do but move on. Unless she wants to keep being the go to girl when he has a little spat with his primary partner... which as we both know will just stagnate her into being at his beck and call as 'feelings' won't allow her to move onto someone who actually will respect and love her and give her all of him and not just his dangly bits when it suits HIM.

Addiction is what it is. There is nothing worse on a persons ego, sense of self and reason to be motivated then to be stuck in a going nowhere 'relationship' with someone who doesn't want anything other than some fun. Too many stories like Op's to not know that to be the truth.

[Asip4u]

Yes, I understand it as well but what else can she do but move on. Unless she wants to keep being the go to girl when he has a little spat with his primary partner... which as we both know will just stagnate her into being at his beck and call as 'feelings' won't allow her to move onto someone who actually will respect and love her and give her all of him and not just his dangly bits when it suits HIM.

Addiction is what it is. There is nothing worse on a persons ego, sense of self and reason to be motivated then to be stuck in a going nowhere 'relationship' with someone who doesn't want anything other than some fun. Too many stories like Op's to not know that to be the truth.

Well said.

[Malind1]

bump