A year has past and I'm still not %100.. when will it stop

[dior01]

Just curious if this is normal?

Should I be going out more or trying to get out there and date to feel better? I feel like when I do that and things go terribly wrong, it only makes me feel worse..

You can check my posting history for the full story but in a nutshell:

-We met,love at first sight, there were red flags, I got pregnant really early and had an abortion
-He cheated on me multiple times and always blamed it on my abortion
-I broke up with him a 100 times and he always begged me back
-The last time I broke up with him he met another woman, got her pregnant right away,they moved in together and had the baby 3 months ago

I have no idea what goes on in his life since I deleated every trace of him and contact. I deleated all the photos and all the memories.. I even threw all the jewelry in the garbage. This other woman is wearing my old engagement ring and living with him and his son (from his previous marriage) in some apartment next to his ex-wife.. that's the last news I got about them before I decide to cut off the source of news as well.

For a while I was ok.. I had a couple of rebounds and then I felt like I could be single and be ok. I met this guy who I dated for 2months and he ended up leaving me to get back with his ex... before I took new guy off my facebook, I saw all kinds of photos of him and his ex back together and happy.. they went on vacations, and to fancy dinners,and adventures together..it reminded me of my ex and I and it made me jealous and bitter all over again. I was jealous that they got back together and made it work and my ex was having a baby with new baby-mama...that esp hurt because of my abortion. That's when the healing came to a stop.

The past few months I've been ok again. Just working out a lot and looking great. Been training for salsa competitions and started my first career day job..things seemed like they were looking up.. but lately I've been having urges to look up my ex-fiancee again..when will it end?? I looked him up on facebook and it hurt sooo much to see him holding his new baby girl.. esp since I want a baby (but the proper way with marriage first and a plan....he was always against that) Everyone tells me his baby mama is not pretty but I find her pretty.. I think it's partly because I'm hurting because there are times when I feel ok and suddenly she doesn't seem pretty to me anymore...

Lastly, my ex always begged me in the past to be friends after the break-up and I refused..it was too hard.. now I regret it.. he was such a big part of my life for so long that I feel like being friends would have helped me deal with the "withdrawal"..is that true? I just didn't want to make things easier for him ... I wanted him to suffer for me after he cheated (again) just months before our wedding date...and he suffered his way into another girl's pants is what he did...so much for that plan :S

Now I'm feeling great again for some time..and then the past few nights I've been having dreams about us kissing passionately like we did when we first met.. I forgot all the awful things he did and I've been thinking about the beginning a lot... I started panicking and writing down all the bad stuff over and over but it only works for a few weeks until I relapse again... He was a liar, a manipulator, an obnoxious narcissist, a cheat, disrespectful, violent when drunk, had no respect for women, criminal record (from the past), couldn't keep a job, he got to the point where he never kissed me, his mother was a cruel, evil woman..and his son always came first when he wasn't partying that is... yet I only remember how bad he wanted a baby and how he begged me not to abort, and how he bought a house for us (which he lost due to not paying his bills) and how he proposed, and the tattoos we got as a symbol of forever, and all the vacations he took me on..and the amazing sex-life...and I feel incredibly guilty. ugh I still feel guilty

Why is this happening to me? Should I have broken up with him in a different way? Am I just lonely? How can I be SO STRONG..and then have a dream and wake up almost feeling like he's beside me after not thinking of him for weeks..this can't be normal.

I really need some advice...

[cast no shadow]

I wish I had some kind of magic words.
It looks as you are doing everything right. You are whole with you being apart, know that he was bad for you.
I imagine that this is the right way to go.

I'm broken since my ex and I broke up, and it's almost more time than we've been together.
I can't seems to do nothing right, and feel as my life is slipping from my control.

Seeing how you trying to move on, and mostly succeed with it is really inspiring.
I think that once you have someone that touched you hart so much he will stay forever.
What we should try is to learn what is good for us, and what's not.
Finding love apart from him.

I don't know, I'm so lost.
I can't think of a good future anymore, I kinda disbelieve that there is something out there for me.
But you already been there, in the good place, so try to think what is it that made it possible for you to move on.

[Jason2]

well down

[Jason333]

Thanks for your post

[gs_mnms]

Moving on from a break-up can be so hard - And I have a fresh one, less than two weeks ago. I definitely think that being friends is a terrible idea, until you've moved on.

In terms of moving on, I think that once you feel ok being single, it's a great idea to start dating again. Being reminded that there are other options and people who really do want to be with you out there is empowering. In my last break-up (really difficult one... Almost three years in that relationship) I found that the healing reached a point where I couldn't move on fully even though I didn't really have feelings for my ex anymore. I realized then that moving on is a matter of time - but time comes in two ways. There's time in the literal sense - weeks, months, however long. Then there's time in "people". I am by no means advocating for rebounds. I think that once you're back out there looking for something real, and find potential a few times - even if it doesn't last - the relationship feels farther away. In any case, that worked for me.

Another thing that I think is important - stop checking facebook or any other pages where you'd get info on your ex. Picking at the scab will never let it heal, and that's sort of what you're doing. I know it's so hard, partially because the withdrawal aspect is so tough, but really, this is a bad idea. It may fill some sort of role at the time, but ultimately it only maintains feelings that you're trying to move away from.

Good luck! (And good luck to me...)

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[bluesummer]

Time has this weird way of making you start to forget your negative feelings for a person. I remember your situation and it was pretty ugly. I also know it's hard to put yourself back in that place where you felt the way you did when you broke up, when you knew things were wrong and needed to end. This man offered you nothing. He was hurtful to you you, didn't respect you, and was a huge waste of whatever amount of time you spent with him. Remind yourself of that. Go re-read your old threads (I do this from time to time, very therapeutic!) and go feel that pain again.

Being his friend is not a good idea and it's not something you should regret not doing. It's just rubbing salt in the wound. Nothing good would ever come out of staying friends with him, and you need to LET GO. He has moved on with his life, and while it seems you are really trying to you're still chained to your past with this awful man (he cheated on you multiple times, for heaven's sake).

I want to tell you to go meet someone new, but you need to sort out your baggage first because no man wants to deal with you mooning over an abusive dickhead ex. My advice is just to go hang out with some guys and date casually just so you know what's out there. That's how I learned that there were men out there that weren't total douchebags and it helped me feel better about my decision to dump my ex. It took me about a year and a half to get him out of my system. I still Facestalk him once in awhile myself, but his life has been shit so it's satisfying for me, as awful as that sounds lol. After about 5 years now I feel nothing for him, and I don't care if I never see him again. You'll get there. Stay strong and stay AWAY from him.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post