Found my man on a swingers website

**janexxx** · 12-05-12, 07:13 PM

Hello

After some male advice please - I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years we have lived together for 7 months, we are happy and I thought we were totally in love with one another - our sex life is still great. However, I just found out that he is on a swingers website, I got his password and read loads of emails to different couples telling them his is straight and wanted some nsa fun. He had posted pictures of himself (explicit ones) the emails are all dirty telling girls exactly what he would like to do to them, telling them what great bodies they have etc.... He was also asking if they would like to meet up for some dogging fun or anything else they might like. I also checked his email and it turns out that he has been emailing another woman telling her how much she turns him on and can she send him some photos of her and where she would like some action. Think you get the idea

I have confronted him about all this and he tells me he is sorry, embarrassed and he doesn't know why he did it and has promised not to do it again. He tells me he loves me and wants to put this behind us and move on.

I'm really struggling with all this and I just do not know what to do - how am I supposed to trust him after this - he tells me that he has never actually met anyone from the website, however, from what I read its not through want of trying - also not sure I believe him.

So come guys be honest what do you think?

Any advice gratefully received

**haxan** · 12-05-12, 10:32 PM

He wants something different/more than what you have 1 on 1. He didn't connect yet, but I'm sure at some point will. In situations like this you usually have to keep up or let go. If you don't want to explore an alternative lifestyle sexually, you may have to move on.

**Wakeup** · 13-05-12, 05:04 AM

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/65231-Help-found-my-boyfriend-on-a-swingers-website[/url].....

**Sixpacj** · 13-05-12, 05:48 AM

You got the password to his email/account? How? This doesn't say anything good about you...

**Wakeup** · 13-05-12, 05:51 AM

Originally Posted by Sixpacj

You got the password to his email/account? How? This doesn't say anything good about you...

Your reply says more about you then you realize.

**HeartIsAching** · 13-05-12, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

Your reply says more about you then you realize.

It's a valid point though.

If she did it randomly, then it'd be pretty bad... but I'm guessing she found something that made her suspicious.

OP: He's not going to stop. By your reaction, he now knows that if he displays contrition and makes empty promises, you'll put up with it. Ironically, this will in turn affect your sex life - it'll make you want him less, and he'll use that as an excuse to step out on you.

You need to decide if this is something you can live with, or if you just need to move on. Personally, I'd move on.

**Wakeup** · 13-05-12, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching

It's a valid point though.

My point is that he completely ignored her question and dilemma in his usual misogyny. One wonders what he would have said if it was the husband who snooped.

If she did it randomly, then it'd be pretty bad... but I'm guessing she found something that made her suspicious.

I agree if it was random it would be poor behaviour ... At the time of beerpack's post.. he had no information about why she had his password or even why she felt the need to look and tells her it doesn't say anythin good about her. He has completely overlooked the jist of this thread about a man who is pre-meditatedly setting it up to cheat. That was my point about him revealing even more about himself then he realized.

**IndiReloaded** · 13-05-12, 08:04 AM

Originally Posted by haxan

In situations like this you usually have to keep up or let go. If you don't want to explore an alternative lifestyle sexually, you may have to move on.

This^. Truth hurts, but there it is.

**Jason250** · 13-05-12, 10:02 AM

Thanks for your post

**haxan** · 13-05-12, 02:48 PM

You could always call him out on it. Tell him you got curious, chatted with a guy on an alternative lifestyle forum. He sent you pictures and had an amazing body, described in detail all of the intimate sexual things he wanted to do with you. Tell him it intrigued you, and you're open to a swinger experience (if you approve of the guy). See how he reacts.

**janexxx** · 13-05-12, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by Sixpacj

You got the password to his email/account? How? This doesn't say anything good about you...

He has lied to me before, and I do have trust issues as have been shit on before in a previous relationship, also dont know just had a gut feeling that he was up to something. I watched him type his password into his laptop one day and checked his email and followed links to the swingers website, he used the same password for everything - yes shouldnt have looked and I should of trusted him. However, if at any point he wanted to check out my computer and wanted my passwords I would have no problem giving them to him if it made him feel more secure, also I have absolutely nothing to hide

**Jason250** · 13-05-12, 06:36 PM

It blows my mind

**Sixpacj** · 13-05-12, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by Wakeup

My point is that he completely ignored her question and dilemma in his usual misogyny. One wonders what he would have said if it was the husband who snooped.

I agree if it was random it would be poor behaviour ... At the time of beerpack's post.. he had no information about why she had his password or even why she felt the need to look and tells her it doesn't say anythin good about her. He has completely overlooked the jist of this thread about a man who is pre-meditatedly setting it up to cheat. That was my point about him revealing even more about himself then he realized.

How is questioning how someone breaks into another person's email account misogyny?

To evaluate someone's dilemma, maybe it would be good to find out first what the dilemma is? Or if there is one?

I did have information about the password, it is called reading comprehension.

The gist is the OP has been feeling extremely insecure, has suspected her man of doing something wrong, broke into his account, and has found information vindicating her insecurity. Now she asks men how she should feel about it and what to do.

In my opinion, the relationship is as good as over. Now the reason for it... We don't have enough information on what was first and what was a reaction - her insecurity or his looking for sex somewhere else... At this stage, though, I'd say it is beyond repair...

And is this not an "ask a male" thread?

**Sixpacj** · 13-05-12, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by janexxx

He has lied to me before, and I do have trust issues as have been shit on before in a previous relationship, also dont know just had a gut feeling that he was up to something. I watched him type his password into his laptop one day and checked his email and followed links to the swingers website, he used the same password for everything - yes shouldnt have looked and I should of trusted him. However, if at any point he wanted to check out my computer and wanted my passwords I would have no problem giving them to him if it made him feel more secure, also I have absolutely nothing to hide

Well... yeah, we all get insecure from time to time... I suppose if you followed your gut...

Did you ask for his password first? How would you feel if he had broken into your email account?

That aside, he is looking for some adventure or other outside of your relationship, he is prolly on the way out, means you should be too..

**Wakeup** · 14-05-12, 01:50 AM

Originally Posted by Sixpacj

How is questioning how someone breaks into another person's email account misogyny?

Because you immediately went on the offensive with her (as usual) instead of addressing the reason why she has started this thread. That is how.

To evaluate someone's dilemma, maybe it would be good to find out first what the dilemma is?

The dilemma is clear. Or at least it is to those who can actually comprehend what this thread is about.

Or if there is one?

Really?

I did have information about the password, it is called reading comprehension.

No. In your case it's called selective reading.

The gist is the OP has been feeling extremely insecure, has suspected her man of doing something wrong, broke into his account, and has found information vindicating her insecurity. Now she asks men how she should feel about it and what to do.

She also asked EVERYONE for the same advice in another thread. The fact that she's asked "men" their opinion has nothing to do with you calling her out and ignoring the purpose of this thread.

In my opinion, the relationship is as good as over. Now the reason for it... We don't have enough information on what was first and what was a reaction - her insecurity or his looking for sex somewhere else... At this stage, though, I'd say it is beyond repair...

That is your advice. My point: Why wouldn't you just have given it and then mentioned when you snoop you often don't like what you see. When you have the need to snoop then there is a problem in the relationship, instead of simply calling her out and giving no opinion on the actual topic.

And is this not an "ask a male" thread?

You don't have to be a male to answer here. Hell, you don't even have to be a good man... apparently!

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