Making a woman feel valued

[KJA]

So I've been seeing this girl for around 3 months. We're not without our problems, but I'm feeling positive now (It fluctuates, but she's been lovely to me today). But that's not what I'm here to ask about.

She has self esteem problems it seems, but she's gorgeous and lovely. I tell her whenever I can. But I'm worrying it will start to run thin soon. Can anyone advise me on what kind of things would help her feel better about herself? What would build her up? and how do I make sure she knows that I'm there and always willing to listen?

Thanks a lot ^_^. Actually... Have a cat instead =^_^=. Meow.

[vashti]

It's nice that you want her to feel good about herself, but I caution you to not go overboard, or you run the risk of her growing bored with you. Her confidence will rise *naturally* when you have some longevity to your relationship, and as she gets a little older.

That said, the best compliments are specific in nature. For example, "you are beautiful" is nice, but "I love the way your nose wrinkles when you smile" is better. "You are a good person" is nice, but noticing that she can't pass a homeless person without offering help is better. Get it?

Again, though: don't overdo it. An occasional sincere compliment means more than 100 run-of-the-mill ones.

[Jason250]

You want to make her feel good, this is very good, but I remind you not to go too far

[dem862]

In my experience, most women do not want to be singled out or made to feel different. That includes worse or better than others. They want to feel equal to other women they respect. Don't try to rescue or change her. This will backfire on you. In my opinion, the best thing you could do is to let her know your social value is higher than hers and she is lucky to get your attention. Anything less, and she will not respect you. Also, don't let her dump her emotional baggage on you. That is what her girl friends are for.

[vashti]

In my experience, most women do not want to be singled out or made to feel different. That includes worse or better than others.

In my opinion, the best thing you could do is to let her know your social value is higher than hers and she is lucky to get your attention.

lolololol

How old are you?

[dem862]

lolololol

How old are you?

None of your business, young lady.

[surfhb]

Been reading too many "how to make women find you irresistible " books

Haha!

[searock]

Also, don't let her dump her emotional baggage on you. That is what her girl friends are for.

LOL so you aren't supposed to talk about feelings with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

[dem862]

LOL so you aren't supposed to talk about feelings with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Do you like emotional baggage?

[sadie_genie]

In my opinion, the best thing you could do is to let her know your social value is higher than hers and she is lucky to get your attention.

An emotionally healthy woman want to feel equal to her partner. Your approach will only get women with low self-esteem. That's not what the OP wants. He wants to bring his woman up;not down.

[Boisdevie]

In my experience some women with self-esteem problems just cannot have this problem ameliorated by nice comments from others. Sometimes it's simply too deep-seated.
And for some of our younger listeners, if you have trouble with long words such as 'ameliorated' then try to find a dictionary.

[searock]

Do you like emotional baggage?

Sure I like to talk about feelings with my partner, and he likes to do the same with me... sharing intimate stuff is a huge part of a relationship.

[vashti]

Sure I like to talk about feelings with my partner, and he likes to do the same with me... sharing intimate stuff is a huge part of a relationship.

A lot of men feel incompetent when women tell them of their complex emotional "baggage", whereas women tend to feel closer and more trusted when men do the same. (I read about this recently, but I can't remember where).

[Wakeup]

LOL so you aren't supposed to talk about feelings with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

I think it's fine to talk feelings with your 'boyfriend' as long as that is what he is. If the two of you (the general you )have not defined your relationship yet, then doing so runs the risk of the guy being placed on the "friends ladder" and more times then not he is never going to transfer over to the potential ladder.

I think that's what Dem was alluding to.

OP: Self esteem comes from within through jobs well done and the acknowledgement of your successes. If you want to try and help her boost her self-worth then I suggest you do it through loving actions as actions speak louder than words. I have a feeling that telling her she's attractive or gorgeous or whatever won't be believed if she doesn't see it in herself. Nice words are just that, nice. Actions showing her you value her will go further in bringing her up, IMO.
Just don't overdue or she won't appreciate what she hasn't had to work for. None of us do.

[IndiReloaded]

You can't give someone self-respect. It has to be taken for oneself.

As for people's problems: its fine to listen and comment. But only so far. Its my old 'shit theory'. Apologies for the crudeness in advance:

Everyone has shit in their backyard. Some people's shit pile is bigger than others. If your pile of shit is less than others be careful: people will happily pile their shit on you until you drown in *their* shit and lose sight of your own. Some people even welcome other people's shit so they don't have to deal with their own. This is never a good idea b/c only the owner of the shit can truly clean up their mess. Always keep your own shit in sight and manageable. Or at least make sure your pile is getting smaller with time.