Troubled marriage

[sweetgirl34]

Hello everyone,
I am new to these forums; just joined today. I am dealing with a complicated marriage and I just wondered if anyone had thoughts on this situation:
First of all, a bit about me: I'm a 34-year-old female, married six years, no kids. My husband is 40 years old.

We met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend; we both worked in similiar professions in neighboring towns. We talked for hours on our first date, and at the end of it, he gave me a pink rose. For the next month or so, he sent flowers to my office every week. Sounds like quite the charmer, right?

After only 2 months, he proposed. I accepted but said I thought we should wait a year. It was a very 'whirlwind' romance, obviously. He had no objection, so we got to know each other better in that year and then married in 2006.

I should have known something was 'off' on the night of our wedding: A bit of an unusual twist to this story is we are both virgins when we married with virtually zero sexual experience with anyone else, not necessarily by choice, but because we were both loners who simply hadn't met people we felt were worthy up until that point. While I had a rather *ahem* active solo life in that regard, I found out he had never even pleasured himself in all the years before he met me (I don't know if this makes a difference, but he grew up in a conservative Catholic family).

Anyway, the night of our wedding was the first time we had been overtly sexual with one another and it didn't go well. It was awkward to the point of being comical, almost, except...it wasn't. I couldn't relax enough to let him in, and he got upset and threw the condom across the room and yelled at me, and made me cry. Then he stomped out of the room.

This set the tone for the next four years (yes, you read that right). We tried and tried to consumate our marriage, but I just couldn't relax enough. This was followed by more yelling at me and huffy exits of the bedroom, where he would go to another room and sulk. Sometimes I would follow him after awhile and find him sitting in the dark, pulling at his hair, sighing loudly and clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. He would tell me that sometimes he felt like we weren't even married, because married couples have sex. He said I was lucky he wasn't a jerk like other guys would doubtless be in the same situation, and that I was lucky that he chose to stay with me.

Finally, after four long years, we achieved having sex. This was followed immediately by his asking me if I wanted to try for a baby. I said I wasn't ready. He got mad again, saying he was getting older and he didn't want to be an 'old dad'. It's long been his dream to have children.

I have long had anxieties about being pregnant and giving birth (the physical aspects of this). I knew this at the time we married (he did, too) but I figured I could at least try for one biological child. Well, in light of all the problems we had been having, I began to worry about so permanently tying myself to my husband; I mean, he treated me with disrespect when I didn't do what he wanted, so why wouldn't he treat a child the same way? I confronted him with that and of course, he's all, "I would never yell at a child". Sure. Also, why is it ok you emotionally manipulate and upset your own wife, anyway?

This kind of behavior is something only I see, by the way. His family thinks he's virtually a saint. He's very agreeable and friendly in public: The kind of guy who gets labeled as 'nice' --he opens doors for old ladies, is all "please" and "thank you", and treats his parents like gold.

After the baby issue became an issue, we started going to counseling. During that, I decided that I simply couldn't handle, mentally and also physically, the reality of getting pregnant and giving birth (this could be in part because I was a preemie baby and barely survived and heard the story a lot growing up; I also have generalized anxiety and panic attacks, and it has centered on that issue). Obviously, this broke my husband's heart. I am not anti-parent, and said I'd gladly consider adoption, but his response was that it was selfish for couples who are, as far as they know, fertile (because of course there aren't enough adoptable children to go around). In the months since that statement, he's coming around a bit to the idea, but is also worried about the expense (we're not well off by any means). He keeps asking me, 'You're not going to change your mind on this, too, are you?' even though I was the one who brought it up first.

Also, last summer, we were on a vacation with the entirety of his family on an island for a week. During this time, his dad and I were alone in a room; he was napping, I was on my computer. He woke up from his nap, looked at me like I was an alien, and asked me point-blank if I was having sex with his son. He said that my husband wanted children and it had been 3-4 years since we had mentioned anything about kids in front of them. He said I made his son "very unhappy". When I mentioned fears about being pregnant, he said, 'Get over it." Then he left the room.

My husband found me crying my eyes out upstairs, and I told him what happened. He then went to confront his dad. He was gone for hours, came back said he had confronted him and that his dad was sorry and said, among other things, "I don't deserve to be a dad!" (This guy is 74 years old and father to five grown children). So, of course, the first thing my husband asks me, is, do I want to leave him? (I said, "I sure feel like it right now, but we can't because we're on an island!' and the second thing he asked is if I could ever forgive his parents. The gall! They had basically just reduced my humanity to my reproductive organs, and my husband expected I would just brush it off! I told him it might take a long time. Thankfully, the next day was the last day there. My husband's father came out to the car as we were ready to leave, and looked ashen. He said, "I'm sorry about what I said, and I hope you can forgive me and we can work through this." I nodded briefly and we left, and had a long, tense, 6-hour drive back home.

Since then (it's been close to a year ago) we've developed a civil relationship, though they never really did anything to express their sorrow beyond talking to their son on the phone and asking how I was, if I was still upset with them, if they could ever come visit us, etc. It still hurts me that they seem to see me as a womb and nothing else, though. I think part of that might be due to their religious beliefs: Women and wives are supposed to have children if they are married. I was raised Methodist and such thoughts were not explicity described in my religious upbringing. My parents never get after me, asking about grandkids (my sister has two kids, as it is). They said that it's my decision and they would respect whatever that decision is.

So, lately, my husband is blaming my parents (and my mom in particular) in telling me my own birth story over the years which created anxiety about it in my head. He only grugingly comes to my family events, though he decided that we needed to go his parents' place two-and-a-half hours away over Thanksgiving even though everyone there was coming down with the stomach flu! When we were on the road heading there and I worried out loud about getting the flu, he slammed on the breaks and pulled over the shoulder, asking me in a slightly threatening voice if I wanted him to just go home, then. I said, 'No, no, we can go ahead" and so we did; he was pissed at me and kept speeding up and speeding up, his mouth set in a grim line and his hands gripping the wheel, and then he'd slow back down to the speed limit again. We went, everyone felt horrible, we came back and both got sick with the flu. He realized then that it was a mistake for us to have gone and apologized for insisting.

Flash-forward to yesterday, Mother's Day. Since my parents only live about a half-hour from us, and since they invited us to a cookout, I said, 'Sure!' and was excited about attending. My husband, though, bitched and moaned, saying that Sunday nights were the nights he liked to be at home with me, because he had a busy week ahead and wanted to relax. I said I understood that; even my parents feel the same way about Sunday nights, but it's not like we go over to cookouts at my parents' place every week; Mother's Day is special. I said I would really like it if he joined me. He raised his voice and said, "I'm tired of caving!!!!!' I asked him what he meant by that but he didn't elaborate. The next day (Sunday) he agreed to go with me, and we had a good time (or at least I did; he played with my nephews, who love him and consider him their favorite uncle).

This morning, we were talking about the frequency with which we make love, which is currently 2-3 times a week, which I think is pretty normal. I asked him that if there was ever a night we had planned to do it when, for whatever reason, I wasn't in the mood, if would could do it the following night instead. That got him riled up; he slammed his fists into his lap in frustration and yelled, "Damn it! I do so much for you!!!' I asked him what one had to do with the other. He said, "Nothing, except that I pay most of the bills and I get stressed a lot and feel a lot of pressure on me." I said, 'Well, do you want me to leave; then you won't have to worry about paying for me on the insurance." He said, 'No, no...I just get stressed out sometimes." By this time, I was crying, and he apologized, saying he didn't want to make me cry. He said he had gotten upset about my comments because he was worried that one day without sex would turn into two days would turn into a month and etc., and we'd be back right where we were for the first four years of our marriage. I told him it's simply a matter of doing it the next night and that, even going through what we went through four years ago, that I wasn't doing it simply to toy with him or piss him off: I was having genuine emotional and physical problems.

So, this is where things stand right now. I'm so tired. I'm tired of always feeling 'wrong' all of the time. I've begun to realize that we are both dependent one each other and seem to bring out the worst in each other. Despite his saying otherwise, I do really think my husband sees me as a 'wife' in the same way his dad seems to view women: A collection of body parts designed to gratify him and give him children, full stop. I could be any woman, if that's all he wants.

I guess I just needed to vent and I wonder if anyone has gone through something similar. I know I do have my own problems, but my husband often acts like an entitled child and rages, sulks and/or pouts when I upset him in some way. I feel like he can't ever put himself in my shoes and consider my feelings.

[jules82]

no offense but he sounds like a total weirdo....secondly, 40 years old - and still a virgin? should of seen the red flags before you even got involved....you sound miserable - if that was me, i'd escape that asap.

[TeeJay19]

Despite his saying otherwise, I do really think my husband sees me as a 'wife' in the same way his dad seems to view women: A collection of body parts designed to gratify him and give him children, full stop. I could be any woman, if that's all he wants.

This is exactly what it sounds like to me, and exactly the reason why you need to leave this guy. It sounds to me like he just wants sex and kids. He also sounds pretty immature since he seems to complain and get angry whenever he doesn't get his way. It doesn't sound like he knows how to be in a relationship. I don't know if that has more to do with his upbringing or that fact that he likely didn't have many relationships, if any, before you came along.

He's selfish, he yells at you and you both seem very unhappy. You deserve a lot better than this guy. This is why divorce was created. Leave him and find someone who actually cares about your feelings.

[surfhb]

Yeah....I agree. Unless you're are best friends and share the same passions whats the point of being with this man? What do you guys do for fun? Hobbies? Activities together?

4 Years to have sex? He never masturbated? Thats beyond bizarre IMO

[smackie9]

So sorry that your first experience with a man/ husband turned out to be a disaster. There are many mistakes made by the both of you and that is to have discussed expections before getting married ie: to have children or not, also you both should have sought out a sex therapist for help within the first year of your marriage. But that is here nor there....this is an unhealthy marriage filled with so much resentment I can't see any way to salvage it. I know by the thought of getting a divorce makes you feel like you failed but from what I see, with his sh itty attitude, and the lack of communication and experience it was already doomed.

Hun you are still young enough to start a new life and move on. Your medical and emotional problems are 98% from the stress of being in this marriage. I feel once you get out on your own away from him and his family you will feel 100% cured.

[bluesummer]

I think it's time for you to just move on, nothing about this relationship sounds happy or loving or supportive. You get one life and you choose how you're going to live it. Don't stay with someone that can't make you happy, it's such a waste of a potentially great life. There's someone out there that will be everything you want and need. This man and his family sound like they have no interest in you as a human being or your happiness.

[vashti]

Am I the only person who thinks she contributed *heavily* to her husband's frustration? I mean, seriously! 4 YEARS of no sex because she couldn't calm down? And no babies because she is afraid of giving birth, after marrying him and knowing he has always wanted children? (For the record, there isn't a woman on the planet who isn't afraid of giving birth.)

I feel sorry for your husband, "sweetgirl". You are incredibly selfish and immature. I think you should get some therapy.

[Wakeup]

I guess I just needed to vent

Yes I'm sure that's all you wanted to do because it's painfully obvious that you'll not ever leave this man because he puts up with you. He may yell at you for your behaviour but he'll stick around and the two of you will be going at it until the cows come home. You are so dependent on him that you'd never be able to leave him.. no matter how poorly he treats you or how well he treats you while you are ungrateful.. Sorry, that's how I see this.

So.. yea, I guess I agree with you Vashti.

[Boisdevie]

So you were 28 and a virgin, he was 34 and a virgin - hardly surprising that your sex life is crap because anyone who reaches that kind of age and is a virgin has some real problems 'down there'.

[Saya]

I think that you two rushed into getting marriage.... I mean, he proposed to you after being together for 2 months...that's too early...although you two waited for a year...but seems like you two never really talked properly about the future plans because seems like you and his future plans are so different.
I really think that you need to see a therapy or need some sort of marriage counseling.
My friend is in her mid to late 40's now and she doesn't have any children, but she is happily married, but she does regret not having children. She is in her menopause now so there's no way that she can have children of her own. She decided to not to have children because she was scared and she thought that she wouldn't able to handle the mental/physical side of being pregnant.
You may be scared now, and yes a lot of women go through all this fear, but most likely you will probably regret having children of your own. You may be in your mid 30s now, but once you become late 30's, early 40s. You will have more complication issues of having baby and you might actually regret.
Going see a therapy or counseling might actually helps you.

Yes you can still adopt children, but it would be a lot different since it isn't really yours.

[IndiReloaded]

Four years and no sex is crazy. I can relate to marriage issues, but that's beyond what any normal human should have to tolerate. That story with his dad is crazy too, but I can mbe understand it if you never give it up.

Please get a divorce, this is going nowhere. Please, *please* don't have children, neither of you are stable enough for the responsibility.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[surfhb]

Am I the only person who thinks she contributed *heavily* to her husband's frustration? I mean, seriously! 4 YEARS of no sex because she couldn't calm down? And no babies because she is afraid of giving birth, after marrying him and knowing he has always wanted children? (For the record, there isn't a woman on the planet who isn't afraid of giving birth.)

I feel sorry for your husband, "sweetgirl". You are incredibly selfish and immature. I think you should get some therapy.

Oh Jeesh! I misread it....thought it was HIM who couldn't preform. Kind of changes my attitude on all this

[KingZ]

Hahahahahahahahahaha

"Religion is a moderating influence on society."

I lol'd heartily.

[smackie9]

OK OK I'm sure she gets the point everyone. It's just one of those things.....I'm sure she will get the f uck out of that marriage.