Help with my partner's inappropriate female friend situation

[kimura]

I am at a loss and I need some feedback from some unbiased people. I'm fed up and I just don't know where else to turn.

Basically, my live in boyfriend works in a hospital. I work in law enforcement. So we both work in fields where we are surrounded by people of the opposite sex. This will inevitably lead to opposite sex friendships. I'm ok with that. After almost 15 years of working around cops, I'm pretty good at maintaining my boundaries and keeping things on the up and up. I always do my best to be respectful of their romantic relationships. And I always keep my distance out of respect for my boyfriend.

However, he has a couple of female friends who are entirely inappropriate. One of them is particularly bad. I have lived with the idea of "that's just how she is" for close to 2 years now, but once she became openly hostile towards me, I just got plain difficult. Several months back, she said something that offended him and he cut her out. My life had been so much easier. Recently, however, we were at a gathering and she was there. They made up. The entire night she was trying to shove alcohol down his throat and was putting her hands all over him. Again, I got "that's just how she is, she doesn't mean anything by it". Whether she does or not, it's rude and disrespectful to me. I would never in a million years behave in such a way around a male friend's significant other. But for some reason, it's okay for this girl.

However, what's not okay for me is to stand up and say something about it. I am not allowed to confront her and tell her to please stop. I was told to "not make a scene" and that "not everyone has to like you". I feel as though my feelings completely didn't count. I told him that I don't blame him for her behaving like a tramp, but I do blame him for not having my back and telling her that it's not okay. The other thing is she is constantly inviting him out, and I feel entirely unwelcome.

I hate this situation. It's not that I think that he would do anything intentionally bad, but from what I've seen he has no ability to tell her no. The only time he would stand up to her is if she insulted HIM. Her insulting behavior towards me doesn't seem to be a problem. If there were enough alcohol involved and I were not there, her lack of respect and his inability to maintain boundaries seem like a recipt for disaster. He doesn't see this AT ALL. And I seem to keep saying the wrong things to try to deal with it and making it worse, coming across as a crazy jealous person. The sad thing is I am VERY good about reading people in general. I tend to be right about their intentions. And he still hasn't learned to listen.

Any ideas? In particular guys who may have an idea of how to address this in a way he can understand?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop going to work functions with him. You should also start going out without him more. Don't make this relationship such a priority..he's not. You've been very deliberate in your attempt to set healthy boundaries, and if he's not going to do the same, then you can afford to let yours slip a little bit. Start talking to some of the guys that show interest in you, and give them a real shot. Maybe one of them wants to take you seriously. The main thing I'm getting at here is distance. Start detaching from your boyfriend emotionally, and start moving on. If he notices and wants to correct it, then give him that chance, but if not just find someone else, then drop him.

[VincenzoG91]

Is your boyfriend usually passive? Or only when certain women get aggressive with him? He doesn't have to sit there and let her run her hands all over him, he can say "stop it." Problem is, that's so incredibly obvious. That means he enjoys when his female friends are acting inappropriately. Tell him that you're not going to tolerate that crap anymore. Either he takes your relationship with him seriously and sets proper boundaries with these other women, or you dump him. It's that simple. No need to create a complex soap opera of your life, just communicate clearly what you need from this relationship.

[Wakeup]

Is your boyfriend usually passive? Or only when certain women get aggressive with him? He doesn't have to sit there and let her run her hands all over him, he can say "stop it." Problem is, that's so incredibly obvious. That means he enjoys when his female friends are acting inappropriately. Tell him that you're not going to tolerate that crap anymore. Either he takes your relationship with him seriously and sets proper boundaries with these other women, or you dump him. It's that simple. No need to create a complex soap opera of your life, just communicate clearly what you need from this relationship.

^^^ Agree.

Op, this is about your boyfriend and his being inappropriate by allowing her to cross some very fundatmental relationship boundaries that MOST monogamous couples have in place. By allowing her to cross said boundaries, he disrespect you and your union. PERIOD.

You can play the game that Backup proposes but I'd not drive a bigger emotional wedge between the two of you then the the one that's already there. Spell it out to him and if he can't understand that he's being inappropriate by allowing her to cross your relationship boundaries, well then you're not very compatible or perhaps not even on the same romantic page as each other and maybe you need to make a decision as to wheather or not this relationship continues.

Surely he can see that what he is allowing her to do makes him look like her bitch.

[MaidenMinx]

Have you tried pointing out that this is the only woman who inspires this kind of jealousy in you?

Unfortunately, there are plenty of women who are willing to overstep the boundaries when it comes to taken men. She is obviously one of them. In the nearly 9 years hubby and I have been together there have been a few women that have pissed me off in this way and finally hubby can see that I'm not like this with the majority of his female friends. Now when I have a problem with a female hee knows, he understands that I'm seeing something he's not seeing and backs away from whoever has upset me.

[IndiReloaded]

However, he has a couple of female friends who are entirely inappropriate.

It's not that I think that he would do anything intentionally bad, but from what I've seen he has no ability to tell her no.

So, its not just one girl. He sounds like an attention whore.

Use your 'I' words. Tell him it makes you feel disrespected that he allows this girl to put the make on him like this. If he defends it/her, then you know he's got a thing for her. In that case, run. You'll never compete w/a fantasy.

If he agrees with you, then thank him and give him a BJ.

[bluesummer]

He's enjoying it, so he's pretending like YOU'RE paranoid or jealous so that it takes the heat off of him for not telling these women to back off.

Been there, done that. My ex did this all the time and he was cheating. I'm not saying your man is cheating, but he certainly has no idea of what respect is in a relationship. Like someone else here said, it's not like you get upset about EVERY girl he's around....just the ones hanging off of him and being blatantly inappropriate. If he can't see that kind of reasoning, then either A) see my first point, or B) he's just plain clueless and needs and huge dose of reality.