Wife about to cheat, what to do

[Redtail007]

I think my wife is getting close to having sex with a guywill be the first time she has ever been unfaithful in 20 years not sure whatto do.

I monitor her computer and phone so I see all this communication. Two monthsago after learning she has been talking, texting, emailing a guy for over 6 monthsthat she met in a bar and the communication is progressing to a point where Iwas concerned as totally inappropriate flirting and he keeps asking to meet andmore I told her I knew about this (saw a text on her phone and showed it toher) asked her stop if she valued our marriage, family etc. that I could notstay with her is she had an affair.



She promised to stopall communication took him off Facebook for a few weeks then kept doing itbehind my back kept lying saying she wasn't. Finally she met the guy for lunchthe other day and the communication is daily now with her saying stuff like "youtake my breath away"...I fear the worst is about to happen. I talked toher again in a subtle way about how much she and the family meant to me andthat I felt she need to focus on the family and do what's right and stop doingthings to hurt the family and was not specific about what I know so I can keepmonitoring her. But since I confronted her once already with proof (phone textmessage) I feel like it wont matter she will keep trying to see this guy to apoint where they start having sex.

She says she needs a backup plan (start a job be independent) because she does not trust me as I screwed uphad an affair 5 years ago so I get that but it seems her back up plan is reallya new guy. I amclean now it was a one time in 20 year screw up for me and I learned from my mistakeI dont want her to do the same we have kids it will kill them. Whats odd is sheis super nice to me, we have sex almost every day tells me she loves memeanwhile she is pursuing this guy on the side.



Not sure how to handle this I want her to figure out this iswrong and stop with this guy. If I learnshe starts having sex I do not think I can stay with her and will have to divorceher but thats the last thing I want.

[bluesummer]

Well it sounds like you have made your point very clear to her already and she's just not interested in what you feel. She has her own agenda. You say you cheated on her once before, why don't you think back to how you felt/acted at that time? What would it have taken to stop you from cheating? Did she try to stop you and you ignored HER?

I'm not siding with her by the way, I don't think two wrongs make a right. She's probably justifying it in her head by the fact that you cheated on her, which is going to make it very hard to get her to see things clearly. If she doesn't trust you, she probably doesn't respect you and is probably still hurting from what YOU did. You guys need some counselling, if you (and her) are willing to go. While what she is doing is wrong, you are to blame here in some way too.

[searock]

Doesn't really matter if she has sex with him or not, at this point she's already been cheating on you for months, emotionally. The marriage is already over, unless she willingly and consciously steps away from her emotional affair (that is about to turn into an emotional and physical one) and never looks back. But I don't see that happening, since she doesn't trust you nor respect you anymore.

I think you should either have a serious talk with her, in which you tell her you two should get counseling and really try your best to make things work, or you should tell her directly that you want a divorce.

[Boisdevie]

It's either divorce now or divorce later but it's gonna happen. She clearly doesn't love you.

[vashti]

Not sure how to handle this I want her to figure out this iswrong and stop with this guy. If I learnshe starts having sex I do not think I can stay with her and will have to divorceher but thats the last thing I want.

Why do you have to divorce her? She didn't divorce you, did she?

[VincenzoG91]

Goose, gander. Pot, kettle, black. You two should probably get divorced, instead of taking turns hurting each other.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post.

[IndiReloaded]

She says she needs a backup plan (start a job be independent) because she does not trust me as I screwed uphad an affair 5 years ago so I get that but it seems her back up plan is reallya new guy. I amclean now it was a one time in 20 year screw up for me and I learned from my mistakeI dont want her to do the same we have kids it will kill them. Whats odd is sheis super nice to me, we have sex almost every day tells me she loves memeanwhile she is pursuing this guy on the side.

Ask her why she is doing this. Be sincere and really listen if you want to save your marriage. Its not too late, not yet.

If you cheated on her, tho, you're being a hypocrite. Just saying. You can be whatever you want, of course, there are no rules but those you decide to live by. I agree w/Blue that you must take some responsibility for your relationship, tho, and this is a way to start. Maybe she thinks both of you need to experience the pain the other felt about cheating before you can move forward. Its not a totally outrageous mindset. But who knows what she's thinking. Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just tell her that you know everything but not how you know, and see what she says. Make direct references that she can't deny. I think you should either suggest an open marriage based on what you've found, or file for divorce.

Don't listen to those who say you're a hypocrite. You cheated on her 5 years ago, and she has decided to stay with you and work on the marriage. It doesn't give her a free pass to **** other guys.

I think telling her you know everything, and suggesting an open marriage might just do the trick. She'll either agree and then you can mess around too, or she'll stop with this other guy. Either way I think you should start looking for other women, until you're sure your wife wants to just be with you. She feels like she's got the power now, but suggesting an open relationship will take that away.

[Muiin1]

Give her an ultimatum. If she is willing to throw your trust and commitments away then she can, but she can't come back to you.
That she would even consider it is a betrayal. I'm sure you can do better. Move on.

[IndiReloaded]

I love how its okay that the guy cheated, but when its the woman, its not. Nice double-standard.

[iamaninnocentma]

Its not the same thing Indi. when a man cheats its usually just sexual, but when a woman cheats its usually all about wanting more attention and cuddles etc. most women dont even like sex, they just do it to get a new washing machine or a new hoover. hope i cleared things up for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Its not the same thing Indi. when a man cheats its usually just sexual, hope i cleared things up for you.

Hope you know I think you're full of shit. Cheating is just as disrespectful whether its done by a man or a woman.

[iamaninnocentma]

Hope you know I think you're full of shit. Cheating is just as disrespectful whether its done by a man or a woman.

yeah i agree, its disrespectful from both parties, but its done for different reasons. a man can cheat and still love his wife, but most women cant cheat unless they dont love their husband anymore. its grade 1 oprah.

[IndiReloaded]

yeah i agree, its disrespectful from both parties, but its done for different reasons.

Point? If I get run over by a drunk or a distracted cellphone user, I am still dead.