I don't like having guests, wife does. What to do?

[theundead]

Hello everyone,

I have an issue that I'd like to run by all of you and see what I can do to either resolve it within myself, or resolve it within my marriage. I grew up as the kind of person that never enjoyed having guests over. When I was a kid, I didn't have sleepovers nor did I enjoy just having friends over to play or hang out. If I was to hang out with my friends, we would either go out somewhere or we would go to their house. Not once did I ever want anyone over at my house.

Well, I'm a newlywed who is now going through an issue regarding having guests over. My wife has a family member who lives an hour away. When that family member comes to visit, they bring their kids and their spouse, and more often than not, they end up staying the night at our house. I'm still, as of this date, not someone who wants company over. I'm fine with the occasional visit to the house if it isn't that long of a visit, but I still clam up and get very down when they decide they're going to stay the night with us.

I've discussed this with my wife numerous times to no avail. I've explained to her the issues I have with having company staying over, but it does no good. It feels like I have no control over the situation, nor do I have any say-so in who does and doesn't stay the night at our house. This has nothing to do with me not liking her family in the least bit, and I'm afraid that my wife thinks that it does. If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was my family who wanted to stay with us, I would certainly tell them that it isn't an option and that they would need to make other arrangements. So again, it has nothing to do with her family, I love every single one of them dearly. This is a problem that I have and have had since I could ever remember.

How do I deal with this? We have another weekend coming up where they're most certainly going to want to stay the night and I've already expressed to my wife that that isn't going to work for me. She has a really hard time telling people no, and I know in the end they're going to end up staying here because they always do. I don't want my wife to ever get the notion that I don't care for her family because again, as I've stated, that isn't the problem, nor has it ever been. I love the nieces and nephews as well as the in-laws, they're all great. It's just a problem that I have and have always had.

Can someone help me out here? I know I'm new to the forum, but I'm really needing some guidance here. I don't want to ruin my marriage over these feelings that I have, but then again I want my opinion to count for something too.

Thank you very much for any help you can give me!

[VincenzoG91]

An important part of any long-term relationship is compromise. It would be reasonable for you to tolerate the occasional overnight guests, and it would be reasonable for your wife to cap the number of overnight visits within a given time period, like maybe just once every three months or so.

You expressed some concern that your wife may have misunderstood you, and might think that you dislike her family. Can't you tell her exactly what you told us? And maybe you could dig a little deeper to identify why hosting guests is so uncomfortable for you. Because you don't mind meeting people elsewhere, it doesn't seem like you are especially introverted. Are you worried that visitors will make a mess or otherwise disrupt your home? Does it feel like an invasion of privacy to host guests? Maybe if you can get to the root of this discomfort, you can find a solution that will work for both of you.

[theundead]

Well, the thing is, I have told her that I love her family dearly and that it is in now way related to them. Let me run-down a list of issues I have when her sister stays the night or brings her kids over:

1. When it's around 10:00pm or so and it's time for her sister to go to sleep, she leaves her kids out for us to watch and put to bed. It isn't our responsibility to make sure her kids go to bed. And often, they end up staying up way too late while I want to just cuddle up on the couch with my wife and watch a movie or something before we go to bed.

2. The kids tend to eat and drink everything they can get their hands on. I am VERY frugal when it comes to money and there isn't anything I hate more than wasting something. Typically, the kids will start raiding through the refrigerator and pull something out and ask "Can we have this?" or they'll help themselves to something without asking. It isn't the fact that I want them to starve when they're here, but their parents need to make sure that their kids are well fed, not ours. Usually, when they ask for something, they take a few bites or a few drinks from it and it gets thrown away. This grinds my nerves more than anything.

3. The parents have 0 respect for cleaning up after their kids. If the kids take food out, they'll just leave it on the kitchen table for me or my wife to cleanup. They'll pull toys out of the back bedroom and leave them scattered around the living room for me or my wife to pick up. The parents have no interest in cleaning up after their kids.

I don't feel it is our responsibility to put their kids to bed or to make sure they're fed or not hungry. Our house isn't their hotel and they treat it as such.

And you mentioned something about privacy, and I think it also may have a lot to do with that. I'm the kind of guy that wants to sit around in my boxers and socks and a t-shirt when I'm at home. I don't want barriers placed on me so that I HAVE to be dressed if I'm at home. If we come home from a family outing, I want to be able to take off my pants and lounge around in my house, but when they're in town and staying with us, I have to make sure that I'm fully dressed because we never know when they're going to show back up at "the hotel."

Hopefully that has clarified anything I said that may not have been explained properly.

[vashti]

You seem very much aware that this is a problem with YOUR psyche, and not hers. I think you should just suck it up and be quiet about it, unless the number of visits are obviously inappropriate. It doesn't sound like she is insensitive to your needs or is abusing your good nature.

For the record, the kids are behaving like kids. The only thing you've mentioned that would annoy me is the fact that the parents aren't putting their own kids to bed. You can address that by simply telling them that they probably know how to do that better than you. If your wife doesn't mind putting them to bed, then let her. If they leave toys round, just remind them to put them away. It doesn't need to be a big deal. If you know they are coming, it isn't such a big deal to buy a child-friendly snack, is it? This is your *family*, not strangers. One day, you may have your own little people for them to contend with.

[surfhb]

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I had to do something my wife wanted or attend a worthless event.....but I did it anyway because I climbed on board when I said " I do".

[vashti]

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I had to do something my wife wanted or attend a worthless event.....but I did it anyway because I climbed on board when I said " I do".

Thank you. No doubt SHE has done the same. That is what being married is all about.

[theundead]

I'm fully aware that I signed up for anything and everything when I said "I do." But I can guarantee if there was something that was seriously bugging my wife, I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't do it with a smile on my face. Why is it that I have to make the sacrifices on something that I'm so adamant about? And I refuse to buy kid-friendly snacks because they aren't my kids. We don't have kids so therefore, we shouldn't buy kid-friendly food. I use the money that I work hard for to buy my wife and myself things. It's my responsibility to make sure that my family is fed, not somebody else's.

I realize that they are family, which is why it hasn't gotten to the point of ripping a brand new marriage apart. But the thing is, why should I have to buy them food? Their parents easily make two to three times the amount of money that me and my wife make, so them going to the store and buying food for their own family is their responsibility, not mine. I shouldn't have to feed any of them.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should speak with them directly, instead of begging your wife to do it for you. You could make something up like you need to be up early in the morning or something, so everything needs to be wrapped up earlier, but I think being honest and direct is the best. Tell them that you don't mind watching the kids if they're away or something, but you don't appreciate them going to sleep when the kids are still awake and leaving you to deal with them. It's kind of a tough subject to broach, but I'm pretty sure it will only take once for them to understand.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably just leave and go to a bar around 9(with friends is preferable, but alone gets the point across just as well), and come back after midnight so the kids will be asleep. Invite your brother in law, so you're not just ditching everyone, but still go if he declines. If your wife has anything to say about it, just tell her that if kids are going to tear your house apart, you'd rather not see it. You've already told her it's a problem for you, now show her it is a problem and maybe she'll be more willing to compromise.

[vashti]

I'm fully aware that I signed up for anything and everything when I said "I do." But I can guarantee if there was something that was seriously bugging my wife, I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't do it with a smile on my face. Why is it that I have to make the sacrifices on something that I'm so adamant about? And I refuse to buy kid-friendly snacks because they aren't my kids. We don't have kids so therefore, we shouldn't buy kid-friendly food. I use the money that I work hard for to buy my wife and myself things. It's my responsibility to make sure that my family is fed, not somebody else's.

I realize that they are family, which is why it hasn't gotten to the point of ripping a brand new marriage apart. But the thing is, why should I have to buy them food? Their parents easily make two to three times the amount of money that me and my wife make, so them going to the store and buying food for their own family is their responsibility, not mine. I shouldn't have to feed any of them.

Surely the price of peace in your household is worth the price of a box of crackers and a bottle of juice? If it isn't, I feel very sorry for your wife.

[Cerby]

I feel you, I also like my space very much. When my GF moved in with me the very first weekend her brother and his friend came to town on a whim and ended up staying with us, I wasn't pleased as all. They stayed up all night and made a ton of noise while I had to be up at 7am. But its part of what we need to do for each other. I wouldn't have asked them to put up $60 for a hotel when I had 2 perfectly good couches to sleep on. They also ate some food and drank some beer. It's called "Being a good host".


Let's talk simple social skills here for you.

When you're wife invites the family over (and make note, SHE is inviting them knowing well what they can and will do while they're there) she does it anyways. As the host, you are now responsible for the basic hostly things - food, drink, etc (this includes food for the kids). As for them going through the refridgerator and making a mess on the counters ...Let your wife deal with that, she invited them knowing about this, so that is really up to her. She should talk to her sister about proper guest etiquette, and enforce as necessary. You should just let her know you're going to bed and to enjoy the rest of the night.

Accept this as part of what you married into,.


EDIT** Remove the insult, it wasn't called for.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Surely the price of peace in your household is worth the price of a box of crackers and a bottle of juice? If it isn't, I feel very sorry for your wife.

You're missing the point, or at least pretending to. The problem is that he doesn't like to be uncomfortable in his own home and his wife doesn't take his feelings into account. Stop minimizing his feelings on this. I don't think a box of crackers and juice is going fix the problem of his house being ****ed up or more importantly, his wife not taking his opinion into account. If it's not very often, I'd say he should deal with it too, but it seems to be pretty frequent.

What gives you 'no doubt', that his wife makes the same sacrifices, when the only thing we know for sure about her is that she has completely disregarded her husbands wishes and is refusing to compromise with any of this? If it were me, I would grin and bear it, and have my wife deal with the mess, but I think the OPs feelings are completely valid.

[VincenzoG91]

If they only live one hour away, why do they need to stay the night so often? Can't they just drive home? Or are they too drunk to drive? Also, is there plenty of room at your place, or is it really crowded when they stay over?

[misombra]

The woman probably enjoys having her family over. I say either suck it up or divorce her. It is not fair to demand a no guest policy. Its her home too.

[bluesummer]

First off OP - I get your point. I don't have kids either, and if I invite my family over and they bring their children I still expect them to respect my home. I'm not their babysitter and their housemaid, if I'm putting up the beds and the roof they better well keep my house in the same shape they came into it. Also, it seems like they stay over way too much.

However, you do have to compromise. It is your wife and her family and if she wants them there she's allowed. I think you need to have a discussion about boundaries though because she's really pushing across yours. I would go apeshit if my husband was inviting his brothers and their kids over CONSTANTLY and they are expecting me to feed them all the time and then watch them while the parents go to bed. I don't understand why people think this is acceptable? I mean once in awhile, sure.....but there are limits to everything. At least our families are respectful enough to bring their own coolers of food to feed their kids all the 'snacks' they seem to require constantly. And they clean up after themselves. That's called being a courteous guest.

If I had children I'd be mortified if they messed up someone's house and ate all their food, and I would definitely clean up after them and compensate my host. It's just good manners.

[Wakeup]

I have a feeling your wife has given up a few things to make you feel comfortable in your own skin, never mind your own home. Anyway, based only on what you've shared I'd say that the best advice is to compromise and set some rules and boundaries for when they stay so that you don't feel so put out in your own place (as Backup suggested). I think your wife enjoys having her family around her and you might try to understand that she's not like you in the sense that she needs and enjoys more than just your company whereas you're quite content to just be with her and to hell with everyone else.

Are you an only child, Op?