Should I send a letter to my ex-fiance?

[loveybear]

A month ago, my ex-fiance called off our wedding 6 weeks prior to the event. It has been an emotional roller coaster ride ever since. He has since initiated a reconciliation twice... and called it off twice. This last time he decided it was best if we have no contact... coming a couple of days after we connected in a way we hadn't in a very long time. Our last attempt at reconciliation, he said he loved me and wanted to win my trust again (I was afraid of going back again and having him call it off!). But the next day he changed his mind and told me that I was incapable of reciprocating love and that my troubled childhood has f-cked me up so much that I have a long road ahead of me to get to a place where I can be in a healthy relationship. He will no longer accept my calls. I feel so hurt and rejected to be cut off completely. I know his intention wasn't to jerk me around like this, but it has really screwed with my head and heart. I still want him back though, and keep beating myself up for everything I did wrong leading to the end of our relationship. I wrote this letter, but I've been reading in various places that it's a bad idea to send a letter to an ex. What do you think of the letter? Is it a good/bad idea? I need closure, but a part of me also wants him to come back to me.

Dear (ex),

I miss you. From the time we first started going out until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it is to be really cared for and cherished. Just by showing me in your own way, you made me see how two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true lovers.

I know our history is colored with so many negative memories, but we have dreamed together. Laughed together. Whenever I needed your comport and strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. At some point, I took all of that for granted. I should've never let the beginning of our engagement mark the end of exploring each other. I felt trapped and resentful instead of experiencing the depth of our love. The most beautiful man I have ever known wanted to share his life with me forever and I was blinded by depression and self-loathing. I realize that I have spent much of my life trying to escape instead of living in reality. I am sorry I focused so much on a fantasy future with you when you were right next to me during those moments. I wanted so much to “live in the sun” with you, as you told me we would when our minds and hearts melted together that one day. We could've had that every day we were together. And I didn't choose the sun, but the burgeoning pain inside of me that I have left unhealed all of these long years of my life.

You deserve someone who will fully understand your needs and your personality. I guess I deserve someone who will love me like you have done, only that I know how to fully give and receive love when the time comes. I want to commit my life to loving. I know I have a rough road ahead of me, but I might not be trying to navigate it if it wasn't for you. Although it hurts horribly, I thank you for finally walking away. I'm starting to smile more and realize there is beauty and wonder in the world. There is hope. I know I will heal and no longer be a “broken” person. As you will, too.

Love,

(Lovey Bear)

P.S. Bubble baths are just not the same without you.

[searock]

If you are truthful when you thank him for walking away and tell him that you are happier without him, then why would you include that P.S., which delivers the opposite message and will only bring back painful memories?

[Wakeup]

Write him a one sentence letter if you must, saying: "Thank you for giving me the courage to get the therapy I need to overcome my childhood trauma(s). Be well."
(anything more than that would be self-serving and manipulative)

Thats ALL you need to say to this man. Leave him alone and look after yourself, get the professional help you need so that in the future, when you are able, you can be in a healthy relationship with the person who was meant to be with you

Good luck.

[loveybear]

I had included the PS because near the end of our relationship, I had told him I couldn't even think of any happy memories that we'd shared because our relationship has been riddled with so many problems. And he agreed. As time passes, I am starting to remember so much. I guess I wanted to have a way to bring back happy memories (not painful ones), just so he can remember it wasn't all bad, if he doesn't already.

But I think Wakeup is right... this is more manipulative than a thank you and goodbye letter.

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me as if he had white knight syndrome, and thought that he could "fix" you with his love.

I mostly agree with Wakeup. Perhaps a letter like this:

"Dear _____,

Thank you for making me see that I need help. As a result I'm in therapy, and would like to contact you in six months to update you."

Then actually get into some therapy. Six months isn't really enough to make change, but it's enough to make you see that you NEED to make change.

[loveybear]

Thank you for the suggestion! I actually just started going to therapy last week.

The last I saw him, he had told me that if he wasn't "broken" too, he would've run away from me a long time ago. He has some issues with his own childhood, but doesn't feel like he needs therapy for it. He just wants to find someone happy is the impression that I got.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[Salubrious]

Men have a short attention span best to keep it short, to the point.

[IndiReloaded]

OMG, he has told you he's messed up. Run. He's given you several chances to escape. What is your problem? Can you imagine being married to this guy, if he can't even decide if he wants to be married?? He's a Class A Shredder. You'd have better luck sticking your arm in a garbage disposal and turning on the switch.