Told my best friend I love him

[Cerulean.]

Hi everyone. Just needed to talk somewhere. I pretty much know what needs to be done, but it feels so much better to write out crap that hurts. So here we go. Two days ago I confessed my feelings to my best friend of 10 years. He and I had a past many years ago (back in 2004 off and on until 2006. We were never official. Just a beautiful disaster) that was intense, but we never worked out because we were both so young, naive, and wanted more experiences. We remained friends. I don't have a lot of girl pals, mainly guy friends, and so he was always my number one when it came to getting advice about the men I've dated, problems at work, etc... it was like we were able to switch off the romance just fine and be able to continue to be in each others lives as just friends.

Fast forward to this year. For the past few months, I've had a change of feelings. It mainly started happening when he began dating a girl from his work. He would treat her so well and was a gentleman, but she would treat him like crap (she had a horrible ex and so was still emotionally damaged from that). I've met her, and I think she is a very nice girl and is awesome to hang out with, but I can see how she isn't at all on the same level as him. She's even told him "I'm not looking for a relationship, at all. Not ready to." Well, about a month ago, it was finally said that they wouldn't work out and to just remain friends. I felt bad for him, but I also knew it would be for the best considering he's really wanting a relationship and she still needs time to heal from her past. So they stopped hanging out all the time and would only see each other once or twice every two weeks and only meet up for lunch or dinner when she was in between work and school. Otherwise, she has continued going out to bars and clubs with her friends without him.

Now on to May 15th. My feelings for him at this point have been bubbling up for quite some time that I was about ready to burst. I confided in my sister and another friend who both know my situation in great detail and have both told me I should tell him, straight up. I suck at speaking when I am incredibly nervous and can never get out what I want to say, so I decided to write him a letter on exactly how I feel. I told him that I know life is complicated at the moment, but that I needed to speak out to him. I was in no way expecting anything from him, but that if there were such feelings possibly there for me, that I would love nothing more than to try and see where things may possibly go. If not, I would hope that he didn't think less of me and that I would back off, and everything would stay the way they've been. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.

Well I must say, that day was such a mind funk. Although it didn't turn out in my favor, I couldn't have asked a better man... a better best friend to tell this to. Even though I feel very bummed and heart broken, he treated it so well. He told me he still has a lot of things he has to work out and that he appreciates everything I wrote. He won't think of me differently nor treat me differently. He still calls me on his lunch breaks, or just because, and treats me as if nothing happened. I still can't help but feel depressed, though. I feel worse than how I did when I broke up with my ex boyfriend last year. You know that good ol' saying "If you love something, let it go." Yeah. I just know that my friend means too much to me and I'm going to have to suck it up. These feelings of feeling down in the dumps is normal and will pass in due time. I'm just proud of myself for telling him. Who knows, maybe it just isn't our time now and in the future it may be. Or not. Either way, life is too short to stay stuck and sad.

Wow, it felt so good to write that all out. Cheers to love, everyone.

[TeeJay19]

Good for you, and I'm glad that your friend handled it so well, even if he didn't feel the same way you did. I had a very similar situation a few years ago that didn't turn out very well. After I told a good friend of mine I had feelings for her she rejected me but said we'd always be friends. Unfortunately things just got weird and awkward between us and we drifted apart. I hope that doesn't happen with you.

[Cerulean.]

I'm sorry that happened between you and your friend. I know things are very weird with me. I surely don't show it to him, but I know it is only normal for me to feel this way since I basically spilled my heart and soul out to him, and I gotta hide it all back inside again. Time will heal. Just sucks not knowing how long it'll take.

[haxan]

When are people going to accept that men and women can't be "close friends". One person ALWAYS is into the other, and it usually ends in an awkward fashion.

Cerulean, here's the deal. He will NEVER be into you, ever. Just accept it and stop wasting time trying to be the friend. Let him find his love, and stop putting your life on hold waiting for feelings that will never be reciprocated. Look for a guy who's into you, sweetheart.

[searock]

Haxan, read more carefully: they started off with an on and off relationship. Clearly there was more to it than just friendship, since the very beginning. The OP doesn't have feelings for ALL her guy friends, and I'm sure not all of them have feelings for her. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

OP, I'm glad you got to tell him how you feel. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I know how it feels to confess your feelings to someone you are so close with, and to be rejected. It's hard but you'll get over it. He seems like a really good guy for handling it so well. Now it's up to you to decide whether it's really worth to endure the pain just to be his close friend, or whether it's best to take a step back and maybe still be in his life as a friend (an email once in a while just to catch up and make sure you are all right) but not as a close friend, at least until you get over your feelings for him (it will happen, believe me). I think the second option is the better one, although it may not seem like it to you right now. In any case, good luck!

[haxan]

Ya, nothing like hangin' around to recapture the magic of 2004 :-P

[searock]

As I said, I think the best option is for her to step back and distance herself from the guy, at least until she gets over the feelings she has for him. It's up to her to decide whether it's worth the pain.

[Cerulean.]

Thanks for the advice. Haxan, there can be complications with men and women being friends, but it honestly depends on the person. It works for me. I'm still friends with all my ex boyfriends. In fact, I was a part of one of my ex boyfriend's wedding party. He's married to a wonderful woman and have a beautiful baby together. The key is being respectful and to know your boundaries as well as how you treat the situation because men and women being friends is a touchy subject for certain people. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and just because it didn't work out for me and my best friend, doesn't mean I'm going to be waiting around for him. And never would I dare stand in the way of any potential future lovers he may have. Just last night, he was able to continue texting me about his girl he dated and how he missed her. I gave him my advice as usual. It's my choice to stick to being his friend because I feel I have a strong enough mindset to get over the romance and just continue living life. But I agree Searock... I'm going to keep my distance. He asked me to come by last night to watch a movie with him. I declined because I can't see him at the moment. All ready, though, I am getting stronger from all this. Like I said, I'm just so glad I spilled the beans. Better to have tried than to live forever wondering. It's out there, he knows, now I know the outcome... it's time to move on.

[haxan]

I'm still friends with all my ex boyfriends. In fact, I was a part of one of my ex boyfriend's wedding party. He's married to a wonderful woman and have a beautiful baby together

My point is being close friends, like you became with the current guy now. I'm sure you're not texting this particular ex and his new wife every day and going over for movie nights, right? You're a friendly acquaintance, not involved in the intimacy of each other's day to day lives.

Just last night, he was able to continue texting me about his girl he dated and how he missed her. I gave him my advice as usual. It's my choice to stick to being his friend because I feel I have a strong enough mindset to get over the romance and just continue living life

No fun listening to that stuff, is it? Once you're friended, there's no possibility of capturing, or perhaps in your case recapturing, lust, love, and passion. Hey, I wish it didn't work that way either, but I could've told you with 100% certainty before you spilled the beans, that it would be a better idea not to spill them and walk away, keep some mystery about yourself. If 'we' (men) want you, we'll get you, or sure as hell let you know.

[searock]

it would be a better idea not to spill them and walk away, keep some mystery about yourself. If 'we' (men) want you, we'll get you, or sure as hell let you know.

I think the OP did the right thing by telling him. Sometimes it works out alright, as with my boyfriend and I. I was the one to confess my feelings first, which had a sort of "epiphany effect" on him and he realized he liked me too. If I hadn't said anything, we wouldn't be in a relationship now. Besides, if she hadn't said anything, she would have been hung up on him for a longer time than necessary - this way, she knows how things are and she is able to move on, without having to wonder "what if".

I agree with the rest of haxan's post though. OP, refuse to spend time alone with him from now on (as you did with the movie invitation)... you are just too emotionally vulnerable to him right now, and it would only hurt you more, for nothing. He'll understand, he sounds like a good guy. And you'll find an even better one some day ;-).

[Mathias]

When are people going to accept that men and women can't be "close friends". One person ALWAYS is into the other, and it usually ends in an awkward fashion.

Unless my married best friend is harboring a secret fantasy, you're wrong.

Speaking in absolutes is going to end badly.

[Wakeup]

Oh.. of course there is always the rare exception... or wait maybe those rare exceptions are actually just those in denial. :oP

Even in the sitcom Will and Grace where Will portrayed a gay man.. Grace was totally in love with Will but always denied it. Her actions gave her away though. True Fiction! Hows that for an oxymoron.

[searock]

I don't get why people whom have never had friends of the opposite sex find it so hard to believe that for some people it actually works :-).

[Wakeup]

I don't get why people whom have never had friends of the opposite sex find it so hard to believe that for some people it actually works :-).

.. First you would have to address those that have NEVER had an opposite sex friend and ask them that in order to get the answer to your question. ;o)

I'll add that tooooo many times one's partner is not too pleased with you (the general you) hanging out with your opposite sex friend without them present. We have had numerous threads on that very complaint. I think when the opposite sex friend becomes friends with the new partner as well and there are respectful boundaries in place is when it "works" the most.

[Cerulean.]

My point is being close friends, like you became with the current guy now. I'm sure you're not texting this particular ex and his new wife every day and going over for movie nights, right? You're a friendly acquaintance, not involved in the intimacy of each other's day to day lives.

Nope, I'm not. But did I lose him as my friend? No. He and I are still close friends. I love his wife. I am incredibly happy for them. Now, back on topic where it should be. Is my best friend married? No. If my best friend were married, of COURSE our friendship would change. That's life. It's the same when my guy friends get girlfriends. We all still hangout, but yes, there are boundaries and a thing called being respectful.

No fun listening to that stuff, is it? Once you're friended, there's no possibility of capturing, or perhaps in your case recapturing, lust, love, and passion. Hey, I wish it didn't work that way either, but I could've told you with 100% certainty before you spilled the beans, that it would be a better idea not to spill them and walk away, keep some mystery about yourself. If 'we' (men) want you, we'll get you, or sure as hell let you know.

I'm going to have to disagree with you. Am I going to have to sit around and twiddle my thumbs until a man that I am into confesses to me that they "want me"? It's the 21st century. I feel a lot better now than how I did when I hadn't told him. I have a good amount of mystery in my life so I think I'll be ok. Yes, I'm still hurting, but I'm healing more and more as each day passes. And man... I feel really proud of myself to let it out there and be known. There's going to be ups and downs. Happiness and pain. That's life. I could either take this "rejection" as a horrible thing, think nothing but negative thoughts and what I should have done, could have done, etc... or I could just face it and move the hell on. I'm sorry I'm not taking it how you would expect me to, but that's how I live my life and in the end, I am very happy to still have the people I care about in it.