Us against the world

[blackandwhite]

I met a guy last summer, I just arrived there and he was supposed to leave the next day. Anyway, we met at a club, started talking, dancing etc and ended up at the beach watching the sunrise. It was really perfect. That morning we went to a bus station, spent two hours together, and he left. We had each other's numbers, added each other on FB and that was it. To be honest, I didn't expect to see him ever again. But the thing is that he kept texting me while I was there, and even when I came back home. Soon after, we started talking on daily basis, chatting, then started using Skype.

But, the problem is that we live in two different continets (he lives in America and I live in Europe). Besides that, he's black, I'm white, he's christian, I'm muslim, he's 25, I'm 22.. We come from very different cultures, but none of that represents a problem to US. Despite all that, he came to visit me last year, 4 months after meeting me. He came all that way on his own. We spent perfect seven days here, he met all my friends, even some family members, we got to know each other pretty well and decided to start a long distance relationship. We agreed to have an "open relationship", because of the circumstances. It's been a year since we met, and things are perfect between us. I was supposed to go visit him in Feb, but with all my exams getting in the way, I couldn't. So I'm planning on going there this July.

So, you're probably wondering where's the problem? Well, the problem is that he has a great job there, makes good money, I have school here, so I cant leave, there's no way we can agree on anything in the future. We take our thing really seriously, his friends and colleagues know he has a gf in another country, we really love each other. We talk two-three times a week, text each other every day. But to me this sounds too good to be true. I think I have found "the one" but of course, it cant be that easy, so we're stuck in this situation. From the beginning I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I never really thought about a future togheter. He mentioned having kids, getting married, and that sounds perfect, but neither of us can make that big of a change and move to different continent. I'm not sure if this is the best love story ever, or just a nice thing that's going to be over in time. I can't imagine not seeing him ever again, and I can't imagine him getting married or something like that.

I tend to be more "optimistic" than "realistic" about our relationship, so I could really use different points of view. Of course, all my friends are being supportive and optimistic too, they see that things are going pretty well. We never fight about anything, we're completely honest with each other, even if it's not what the other one wants to hear. So I'm guessing I have the best relationship possible, but with one big problem.

Besides all that, there's a smaller problem. He works a lot, so he can't travel often, and I have school and exams, so I'm in an even worse situation when it comes to that. We can see each other only 2 times a year, at least for now. And, if things turn out well in the future, and we decide to get engaged or something like that, I know his mother wouldn't be thrilled with him marrying a white girl, and my parents wouldn't be too thrilled either. I live in a pretty conservative country, so things like this dont go unnoticed, at least. Neither of us is too religious, so that's not a problem, but I'm guessing it might become one if we get kids.

Tell me what you think about this, I must admit I'm having high hopes for the future, because somehow all my life I secretly wanted to marry a guy like him. In many ways I think this is meant to be, it can't be coincidence and if it was just a fling, it would be over by now?!

[Boisdevie]

Not meeting someone for a year I would hardly class as perfect. You are wasting your life on a situation that won't ultmately work.

[surfhb]

You don't know him until you can start seeing each other daily and dealing with life's issues. HangIng out while he's on holiday doesn't count. Just keep things oPen and see where it goes.....meanwhile date men who live nearby.

[Asip4u]

I'm not even a religious muslim but to me this is very whorish not to mention stupid. The fact you don't mind having an open relationship (which is exactly what it is as he'll enjoy women near him and once he gets bored of them, he'll have you). I don't mind women being this way as long as they admit to it instead of trying to explain they've met someone wonderful who they want to marry...blah blah blah. You will come back in months from now bitching about having your heart broken because all of a sudden he thinks it can't work because of distance or your parents, or he found someone else or he's dying from a rare form of cancer...the list of excuses is endless.

[VincenzoG91]

Long-distance relationships are hard, and the situation you are describing will never get better, because neither one of you is able to move for years. It isn't going to work out, but with your optimism and emotions, you're not ready to hear that. Next time, date locally.

[Jason960]

Thanks for your post

[blackandwhite]

As I said, we agreed on having this kind of a relationship, which means I date other men, he dates other women, for now. We are keeping all our options open. He's not that kind of a guy to make up stupid excuses, he's always honest, so I know that if he meets someone he likes better, he'll tell me.

To be honest, I expected you to be more optimistic, at least, I mean, I'm not hopelessly in love with this guy, it's pretty strange to me that all of you are so negative about this. Is there something really big I'm missing?

[searock]

Since you are both dating other people, I think that sooner or later you will find someone else you want to be in a relationship with, someone who lives closer to where you live and whom you can see on a regular basis. Nothing bad about that, either, it's just natural.

I'm not sure what it is you're asking, OP? If you want to know whether you should cut ties with this guy, I see no reason to do so as long as you aren't exclusive with anyone else. When the time comes though, don't think twice about it unless there is a real prospect of you two living in the same town before the year is over.

[Boisdevie]

Is there something really big I'm missing?

You're missing the fact that some of us here have been around the block and see things in a more perhaps realistic way. It's not negative, it's realism.

[blackandwhite]

I'm not even a religious muslim but to me this is very whorish not to mention stupid. The fact you don't mind having an open relationship (which is exactly what it is as he'll enjoy women near him and once he gets bored of them, he'll have you). I don't mind women being this way as long as they admit to it instead of trying to explain they've met someone wonderful who they want to marry...blah blah blah.

What you wrote is really stupid. Whorish? Seeing a guy 2 times a year is hardly whorish. It has nothing to do with religion, as far as I know those "moral standards" are pretty much the same in every religion. Besides, having an open relationship doesn't mean I go around and sleep with everyone, it simply means being able to see other people without cheating.

[Asip4u]

You're missing the fact that some of us here have been around the block and see things in a more perhaps realistic way. It's not negative, it's realism.

Yes, precisely. I think sometimes it's best to let people make mistakes and see for themselves.

When i see stuff like "us against the world"..."met in a club".."wanted to marry a guy like him".."open relationship"...Just sounds like people trying to be different no matter what because they think they're missing something in their life...and seriously, if a person knows this is the right thing to do, why come asking strangers?

blackandwhite, if you know this is what you want, there's no reason for you to be asking this. It's your life, you are an adult and can make decisions for yourself. Don't expect things to be easy (and you already know this) and just go with the flow. Just as Boise has explained already, people on here have gone through similar shit so we're just speaking from experience.

[surfhb]

Sorry we arent enthusiastic enough....but thats the point of these site....to give you a raw, objective opinion. I say continue what you are doing until one of you have the means to move near the other person. Nothing wrong with that. I just saying that in my 40s, Ive been " hopelessly in love" several times when I was younger and Im obviously not with them anymore. Just dont make and rash decisions untill you are secure in your career, your self and knowing who you are. I guarantee you will be a different person in 5 years....22 yrs old is really young. I know I sound condescending but its the truth....I swear ! Good luck!!