I'm madly in love with a girl I met online, dont know what to do.

[Boisdevie]

Seriously, some of the people posting in this thread are totally ignorant and deranged.

Look. Just because it worked for you does not mean it's going to work for the OP. Oh and thanks for referring to some of us people here as ignorant and deranged. Can we insult you too if we don't agree with you?

[Gazzer86]

Thanks for the advice meh thats really helped and made me think positive! As for meeting her early, thats not possible unfortunately as she is studying right now so shes busy plus I wouldn't have the funds to fly out there. I'm just going to continue with what i'm doing and hopefully when we do meet it all works out.

[Boisdevie]

Thanks for the advice meh thats really helped and made me think positive! As for meeting her early, thats not possible unfortunately as she is studying right now so shes busy plus I wouldn't have the funds to fly out there. I'm just going to continue with what i'm doing and hopefully when we do meet it all works out.

Yeah thanks meh. Feed his idiot fantasy. Slow motion train crash anyone?

[Asip4u]

Hi guys, just found this forum on google and it seems pretty active so hopefully I can get some good advice and support.

So my situation, I met this girl online 7 months ago and have fell madly in love with her (i'm 19 shes 20), shes from phoenix arizona and i'm from london england so its a very long distance relationship but I can honestly say i've never felt like this before for any girl. She is literally perfect, beautiful and her personality is amazing. I can't stop thinking about her to the point where i'm literally dreaming about this girl and everyday I can't wait to finish work and come on at night to speak to her, we speak for hours and hours on skype and facebook and have so many laughs, she says shes so in love with me it scares her and shes also never felt this way before despite being in previous relationships. She wants to go to the Caribbean with me next year after shes finished her degree so we can finally meet and i've agreed to it. So whats the problem you're probably asking? Well over the last couple of days i've been getting this overwhelming feeling that all of this is just not realistic, she is so perfect and I can't get her off my mind for a single minute but shes not here with me. Shes a fantasy, I know shes real obviously as I speak to her every night but I can't help but feel we'll never be together. The distance and the fact we have our own seperate lives more or less in two seperate worlds means one of us is going to have to make a HUGE sacrifice to make this dream become a reality, and i'm just not sure it will come true. Also what if she meets another guy? That would break my heart if she came on and said shes met someone else, that is something I keep thinking about and it scares me as i'm so in love with her its a joke. Theres no way I can live without her now but in the long term I just dont know whats going to happen and it scares me, this love I feel for her scares me because i've never felt it and I just don't know what to do. Sorry if i'm getting carried away but I just want you guys to know how I feel and how I can control my emotions for this girl better. Any help would be greatly appreciated

This, the stuff in bold, is the little voice of reason saying to you what's most likely to happen. You should listen to that.

[TeeJay19]

You're not "in love", you're infatuated. Just because this is the strongest you've ever felt about a girl doesn't mean it's love. I find it hard to believe someone can fall in love with someone who they've never met.

There's nothing really wrong with carrying out a long-term relationship if you're fine with it. It's not something I'd do, as I think I would just get too frustrated with not actually being able to be with the person. But like meh pointed out these things can have a happy ending. The problem is you're infatuation, or as some have called it, obsession, is starting to affect your day-to-day life.

Let's compare your LDR to alcohol. This may give you a better idea about what exactly your problem is. There's nothing wrong with having a bit a alcohol now and then. Many people consume alcohol without it having any negative impact on their life. However, there are some people that can't just have a little bit of alcohol, they have to have a lot of it. They drink every day to the point where it starts to negatively effect their life an well being. These people are known as alcoholics. That's you, you're a love-aholic.

I don't think you need therapy at this point, but you do need to make some changes. Take a break from your LDR. Go out and see your friends, meet some new girls (you two live in different countries, you're hardly exclusive). Realize there is more to your life than just this relationship.

I know it seems like she is the only one for you, but all it takes is one new girl for those feelings to disapear. It sounds harsh but it's true. When someone is as infatuated as you are they starting projecting disirable traits onto the person that aren't really there. It's quite possible that when you finally meet her you'll find things aren't exactly how you thought they'd be.

I'm not saying you have to stop the relationship completely. Maybe keep in touch with this girl but suggest you just be friends until you actually meet and see if there's any real chemistry between you two. Given your strong feelings this may not be a desirable option for you, but it is a much healthier way to continue this relationship.

[meh]

Look. Just because it worked for you does not mean it's going to work for the OP. Oh and thanks for referring to some of us people here as ignorant and deranged. Can we insult you too if we don't agree with you?

If I start spouting prejudiced and uninformed statements, then yes, please call me out on it and insult me too. Stuff like "your feelings are extreme, go see a psychiatrist" or this one that I like "Once you have the feel of a real live girl you'll likely find that a relationship based on words just won't cut it for you anymore " is what I mean.

I never implied that what worked for me will work for anyone. But blanket statements about how extreme feelings are wrong and "there's something wrong with you" are irritating. His relationship might fail, it might be a lost cause, but it has as good a chance as anything of succeeding, and I don't see why you need to cut the guy down just because you are too jaded or skeptical.

And you calling him an idiot is somehow better than me calling you ignorant?

Thanks for the advice meh thats really helped and made me think positive! As for meeting her early, thats not possible unfortunately as she is studying right now so shes busy plus I wouldn't have the funds to fly out there. I'm just going to continue with what i'm doing and hopefully when we do meet it all works out.

You are welcome. I still urge you to discuss the future of your relationship with her, and I don't recommend that you settle for "let's just keep going at it without a plan and see later". Even if your plan involves meeting only a year from now, you need to know that you are both on the same page about where things are going.

[Asip4u]

meh, you're right about the rudeness part but everything else he's right about. I mean, you have no idea how many people come on here (and also through friends and own experiences) with this exact problem. Of course anything can happen, we're just going on what happens most times in these situations. Based on all the things i've read from his post (especially the fact he seems way overly excited on some person he just talks to online), this is quite troubling to me. If it doesn't work out and he starts feeling like shit (and some people come on here with very extreme stress) you can be the one giving him the therapy cause i'm not really interested. I'm going to stop someone from doing something stupid (which he already thinks btw) before it gets out of hand.

[meh]

meh, you're right about the rudeness part but everything else he's right about. I mean, you have no idea how many people come on here (and also through friends and own experiences) with this exact problem. Of course anything can happen, we're just going on what happens most times in these situations. Based on all the things i've read from his post (especially the fact he seems way overly excited on some person he just talks to online), this is quite troubling to me. If it doesn't work out and he starts feeling like shit (and some people come on here with very extreme stress) you can be the one giving him the therapy cause i'm not really interested. I'm going to stop someone from doing something stupid (which he already thinks btw) before it gets out of hand.

I find your signature to be ironic considering your stance on this matter.

This is slightly off-topic here, but I've got two close friends who both met their girlfriends online and proceeded to talk to them/declare love for them/plan marriage with them before ever setting eyes on them. In one case, it didn't work out, long after they got together in real life, for reasons that could have happened in any relationship. The other relationship is now 6 years old and going strong and they are planning marriage.

Perhaps you think I've seen too many "good cases" and I'm being swayed to think it's all milk and honey. I assure you that's not the case, and I'm sure that the (vast) majority of long distance relationships that develop without real-life interaction fail before they become anything. But I absolutely don't think that that's reason enough to just tell everyone who enters into such a relationship to just drop it.

This guy is coming here asking for help and advice, and the majority of the replies have just been jaded posters who would rather "save themselves the trouble" of dealing with his potential break-up. I understand that in your mind you think you're going with a sure bet - he'll forget about her, find someone else and this whole thing will have been avoided. But I say you forgot what it's like to be in love, love where you actually don't want someone else and you'd do anything to make your current relationship work.

Hopefully the OP can take everything here with a grain of salt and make a mature decision.

[Wakeup]

I never implied that what worked for me will work for anyone. But blanket statements about how extreme feelings are wrong and "there's something wrong with you" are irritating. His relationship might fail, it might be a lost cause, but it has as good a chance as anything of succeeding, and I don't see why you need to cut the guy down just because you are too jaded or skeptical.

The thing is that Op's "obsession" with this girl is starting to negatively affect his life in general. He rushes home from where ever he happens to be to wait for her skype call.. he is unmotivated to do his everyday activities because his only passion left is for her, he can't think straight because she overtakes his thoughts. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. If you can't see that for your tunnel vision due to your own online affair working out then so be it but what all of (or most of us) are saying are not just blanket statements.

When your habit of choice (in his case it's some girl he's NEVER even met) starts to take control of your life and is slowly and negatively influencing all aspects of your life then it has indeed become a problem. If he can't work it out in his own mind then yes, he would benefit from professional help in coming to terms with what he is doing and why.

I certainly know that if he was my son I would want to help him or get him some balance in all this. He's on the road to becoming sick over her. Not Good.

So.. yea, you're the one who is spewing blanket statements based on your own experience which in reality is nothing like what op is now experiencing.

But I say you forgot what it's like to be in love, love where you actually don't want someone else and you'd do anything to make your current relationship work.

Sadly, You fail to see his problem. If she were do a fade on him, he sounds like he would lose total motivation and be heartbroken to the point of needing prof help for a longer period of time. This is NOT about online love affairs being wrong (even if the majority of them don't work out when the two havn't even met.)

[Asip4u]

heh. That signature i've had since i basically came here (2005 and never bothered changing it) and i've learned quite a bit in all this time. Making decisions when you're that emotional almost never works out.

[Asip4u]

To add. When i try to help a poster, i'll always look any possible way in which i can give something positive back and let him/her see some light. The thing is, more times then not, there's so many red flags that it makes it so difficult. Should i try on purpose to make him/her feel better even though i don't see too many positives things about it? That's ridiculous.

This case.

1) He seems way too desperate
2) He talks about being in love and not knowing how he's going to live without her (7 months online relationship)
3) He's only 19 years old (we've all felt similar emotions at that age)
4) He seems insecure (things she's so amazing to a point that he may not be good enough for her)
5) They're living 1000's miles apart.

What possible things can i say that might make him feel better? How about..Wait till you have enough money and go and see her. Now, if he has the balls and the money(which i don't think he does) he can go and do it and it would make things a lot easier for him. Also, he can keep this going (which he will get attached even more) and see in years down the road they can meet up and make something better? That's all i can say really and i think that's really sad. It's sad because there's a girl down the street just as beautiful and he won't have to make things so hard for himself.

[Boisdevie]

I like to think I"m a helpful guy. Looking on the net a one way ticket costs around 500 dollars. Obviously he'll only need a one way ticket because once the two lovebirds have met it will be happily ever after (bit like in Sleepless in Seattle but without the annoying young kid). So I'll make a donation of 0.10euros towards his plane fare. Anyone else up for it?

[growtogether]

Hi Gazzer!
Well, I understood that she still doing her degree, what is your job? Would it be possible for you to go to the state for a little while? I don't know about England and USA, but for Canada and USA (I'm canadian) I can be in the US for 6 month and be okay to come back to Canada. I went through that immigration process, I'm now a resident of the state. I met someone in Florida during a trip, and I now live in Michigan.
You guys need to make a move. What will be that move?

[Gazzer86]

Well after speaking to her for hours last night and the night before i've found out A LOT more about her. I discussed the possibility about coming to visit her early and she seemed keen on the idea, shes currently studying to be a certified nursing assistant but is starting college in august to be a psychology major and go into surgery. So I told her that I have 8,000 in savings in my account and that i'd be willing to use it to come and see her, she said she'd rather I come before she starts college but the only thing is shes broke and has no money so I told her i'd help her out with funds and she said that would be great. Then she started telling me things about how her family are so poor and her mum can hardly afford to pay the bills and I told her I would try and help out and she told me that would be great if I could but I dont have too, but I want to help her and her family out.

Things then started getting darker, she started opening up to me about her life and what shes been through and theres a lot of stuff that I just cant get my head around. She told me that if i'm coming to visit her in the summer then I have a right to know some things about her and what shes been through, apparently she split up with her last boyfriend last feb and after she split with him she was so upset that she started cutting herself, she hasn't cut herself since last april. Shes also admitted that her older brother suffers from serious mental health issues and that her mother is bipolar, the doctors also think she could be bipolar but shes in denial about it. She also admitted to an ex boyfriend drugging her sodas at a party and raping her. She then told me about how she used to be bullied at school for her weight (shes slim now) and that it got so bad once she ran back home and her mum tried to make her go back, she got into an argument with her mum and went to grab a knife from the dishwasher to stab herself. Her mum stopped her andshe felt so guilty and took over 60 pills and locked herself in her room and tried to kill herself. She also doesn't have much of a social life because her mum doesn't let her go out much and shes always worrying about things. So obviously after hearing all this I told her i'm going to need some space to think about all this and clear my head. Shes not the same person I thought she was, but obviously i'm still in love with her and I want to help her and take care of her. I'm not used to dealing with this though, i'm just a normal guy with a normal life with normal friends and I feel like i've fallen for a girl whos got all kinds of psychological problems although she said since meeting me shes been fine and never felt happier, which makes it even worse because I feel like I can't let her out of my life now. I fear that if I said goodbye she would do something bad and I dont want that on my conscious. I don't know what to do, her lifes so depressing and I thought she was this sweet innocent girl but shes not, i'm really scared about meeting her and being involved in her life and i'm also worried that she will bring me down as well if I got involved with her and I don't want to become some manic depressive. But I love her so much and I don't want to cut her out of my life either, plus I think she would do something drastic if I was to leave now and I couldn't handle that. I'm so confused.

[searock]

Just be grateful she told you all this before making you spend all that money for her. Don't stick around just because you're afraid she might hurt herself - that's her issue and you have no responsibility whatsoever.