my new girlfriend prefers male company and has lots of male friends

[carlton99]

I have known this girl for 2 months - she has alot of male friends and goes out with them as friends. Some of them are married/have partners/have kids and she enjoys the conversations with men as opposed to women. She does not sit with her phone glued to her hand all night, she has said I can turn up at her house any time, she has seen me every day for the last week, she says she loves me, does not cheat, and will tell me where she is going and who with everytime she goes out. She also has said I can check her phone/facebook posts/messages etc

Ok so what is the problem you may ask??

I as a bloke I just do not understand it. I have friends that are girls (only on facebook) but I would not think about asking any of them out as I would think that they would think that I was coming on to them. One of her male friends is married and is dating somebody and I get the impression who wouldn't mind a crack at my woman. Another one of her male friends always comments about her bottom but her response to me about him is that if he ever did try something like that it would be the end of their relationship.

I am jealous and wary of these blokes and I don't have a reason not to trust her but I would prefer if her friends were female. I guess one good thing is that if she is out with a male friend then she isn't likely to get approached by other males. I just wonder how the females react when their partners say to them they are going out with another woman for the evening but she is a friend. I'm thinking they would be a little curious - like I am.

[iamaninnocentma]

yeah dude, shes taking the piss. If she wants a serious bf , she has to leave all these other men in the past. What man wants to go out with a woman just because she is good company and they like talking to her. they want to pump her, its a fact. she has to grow up or you should chase her.

[VincenzoG91]

If she doesn't have any female friends, that raises a serious red flag. Does she?

[Cerulean.]

Ahhhhh maaaan... I would like to say that I can relate to your girlfriend because I, as a girl, prefer to hangout with the guys more so than girls. Reason being is because I have more in common with the guys as opposed to girls. I do have a couple best girl pals but don't hangout with them as often as I do with my boys. Now, only difference between my friends and your girlfriend's friends is that none of my guy pals comment on my "bottom" or flirt with me. Instead, they call me a "very cool dude with long hair". She might be trust worthy, but that dude friend of hers needs to learn about respect. How old are you two?

My advice is if her being friends with the opposite sex is going to get in the way of your relationship, then maybe this isn't the girl for you. You should be able to trust her 100%. Maybe try hanging out with her and her friends more so you all become friends and you wouldn't have to feel insecure. Good luck to you both.

[Wakeup]

I've' said it before and I'll say it again. When you are in a realtionship your opposite sex friendship NEEDS to change to a different, less one-on-one dynamic. No one likes their romantic partner spending time one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex. The fact that your opposite sex friendship is platonic makes little difference if you are disrespecting the primary relationship to hang with your boys without your partner present. (or hanging with your girls if the roles are reversed).

Every single day we get another story about opposite sex friendships that cause grief to the primary relationship so your situ is not unique, Op. Trust has nothing to do with this if/when your partner is making you feel left out and not so much a "significant" other.

[haxan]

I just wonder how the females react when their partners say to them they are going out with another woman for the evening but she is a friend. I'm thinking they would be a little curious - like I am.

Nah, most of the time I'm sure they don't know, because the guy is out trying to drill your g-friend and isn't about to tell the truth about what he's up to.

[carlton99]

If she doesn't have any female friends, that raises a serious red flag. Does she?

she does have female friends yes, but just prefers male conversation/company.

She has said to me I can come along if I'm free or to meet them and I am welcome round her house any time of the day. It seems she is an open book and has nothing to hide at all, but I still come back to how my ex would have felt if I said I'm off out for dinner with a woman tonight.

She has been apart from her ex for 18 months so if she wanted to start a relationship with any of these friends she could have done but hasn't. She knows I wont put up with cheating as that will be the end of the relationship so I doubt if she would risk it - we are having a good time in all areas and after only 2 months she could just end it if she likes but she does love me she says.

Incidently I am 42 and she is 35.

[Boisdevie]

She has given you no reason to think she is or would cheat. I think the problem is with your own lack of trust.

[carlton99]

Ok I have an update and this relationship and I am feeling very low........

I explained the situation in my opening thread. She said to me I can check her phone so I did and found messages from a guy and she was saying she was seeing someone (me I assumed) and it was ok but not great. She then asked this guy what he was doing on Sunday and he said are you not seeing your bloke to which she replied 'no'. Well I confronted her about this as the sunday in question was when we were going to London - first of all she was pissed at me looking at her phone (despite the fact she said I could). She then said I needed to chill and she loved me and it was a friend who didnt need to know to much as he knows her ex and they are getting a divorce so things are still being sorted out.
Anyway a week or so passed and we went o London and had a great weekend, she then invited me to see her family who were lovely but then the week after she had a hard few days at work and for the first time in while was not wanting to get physical in bed, I was maybe putting pressure on her and was not very understanding as I took it as a sign something was wrong, there was nothing wrong but she needed more than 6 hours sleep than she would get if we had some 'adult time'. She would tell me she had a bad back and I would say it can't me due to me hurting you as I haven't got near you all week. Looking back that was not the thing to say. We slept for about 4/5 nights and didnt get physical, the one night I was there she sent a text saying she 'wanted' me that night. At the weekend she met my daughter and the next night (Sunday) again we had an opportunity to get close but she refused and so I left her house when she fell asleep. The next day I went round to apologise and she told me to calm down and dont pressure and to give her some time - by that she meant to leave and give her a call sometime. Later that day I said this was silly as we were both on our own and I offered to take her out for dinner - she said she wasnt hungry but I could go round. I went round and we made love, she told me she missed me and everything seemed back to normal. The next day she was back to the 'dont come near me/let go of me, can't you see I'm trying to do this etc' mode. That night she put her kids to bed and when she sat next to me I put my arm round her only to be to give her some space, we went to bed and it was a luke warm kiss goodnight, but I told her I loved her and she repeated this back to me. At 11pm that night she received a text message but she was asleep. I then went to sleep myself. The next morning she got out of bed without touching me or talking to me and went downstairs, leaving her phone. I reached across and was going to see if there was any clues ie has she texted her friends to say there is a problem between us. As IO did this she came back upstairs, she didnt catch me looking and I never got a chance to look as she grabbed the phone and went downstairs. When I went downstairs she asked if I was going to look at her phone and I said I wasnt but I was going to look yes. I then left for work and sent a sorry for upsetting you text, she said its ok. Later that evening she sent a txt saying she can't do it anymore its too difficult. I rang her to say what is wrong - she said I don't trust her - I explained I did and she said to go over with some wine, give her a kiss, cuddle and cuddle her all night. I said fine and went round. On getting round there we talked but she got drunk as she hadn't eaten and then wasn't really listening to me, she was taking things the wrong way and in the end asked me to leave. The next day she removed me from facebook, didnt respond to my texts and then sent one saying we have nothing left to say. I went round the next day with flowers and apologised to her but again she said I know you are sorry and I will respond to a txt tomorrow. I sent a text the next day but she said there is nothing left to say and we need to move on. The next day (saturday) I sent a text saying I'd like the opportunity to talk. I heard nothing until Wednesday night when she replied she was ready to talk and she suggested to meet on Friday. I said ok we can do lunch, but on Friday morning she cancelled as she was working that night and needed to sleep - I said ok let me know a day. I heard nothing on Friday, saturday, sunday or monday so monday night I sent a text asking what day we are meeting. On Tuesday morning I got a reply saying she had her child with her for the next 2 days, then she is working then she has a busy weekend. No mention of when we could meet. I then rang her and said are we ever gonna meet. She said we could but it wont change her mind, she was annoyed with me and I didnt trust her, invaded her privacy and our relationship never got off the ground as I turned up uninvited, was asking her questions about facebook posts and was checking her phone. I said to her that I was looking at her facebook posts/photos just like she was to me, I turned up univited to surprise her with flowers once and the only thing I was guilty of was looking at her phone but it wasnt because I suspected another man, as she always was inviting me round, she would open up her emails/facebook with me sitting next to her and her phone was never constantly bleeping and she would never hide it from me. I totally trust her 100% and the only reason I attempted to look at her phone that morning was for clues as I thought there was a problem all that week with her. She doesnt believe me, feels like I am a scumbag and said there is somebody out there for me. I told her that I have missed her, that I love her, and what can I do to make things right but it all fell on deaf ears.

What can I do to make things right with this woman?? I have sent flowers, written a letter, she knows I love her and I do trust her. It seems unfair that I haven't been given a second chance by her.

[VincenzoG91]

You need to leave her phone alone. Regardless of what she said at some point in the past, she isn't really okay with you checking it, and your checking her phone isn't alleviating your trust issues. I suspect that you have already screwed this relationship up beyond rescue, and if you haven't then you are close to that point. I can understand your concern, because you and I both understand that at least some of her guy friends wouldn't mind having sex with her. But women can be really naive about that, and believe that their friendships are all platonic. Either way, you are acting like somebody who totally doesn't trust her, and if she is innocent she will be offended. Even if she is guilty, she will still be offended, so your distrust isn't going to do any good. Also, as a general observation, it seems like you are smothering her with attention when she seems to want a little more time to herself.

[carlton99]

I should also add that she is a lovely woman, lovely smile, great body and she treated me to a lovely weekend in London with an overnight stay in London, I also was lucky enough to meet her family and she let me stay over at her house numerous times whilst my bathroom was being updated. I have nothing but respect for her and I let her down SO badly. It is out of character for me as I am a really nice guy. My actions were unforgivable and I will do whatever it takes to win her back.

[carlton99]

Yes I am well aware of the damage I have done, but now it is about the steps required to redeem myself and rectify things - I can send flowers weekly or shower her with gifts, but it seems the real issue is getting the message through that I DO trust her, I made a mistake and to beg for forgiveness - it seems I have done some of these things already.

The thing I dont understand is that last week she was ready to talk and I was optimistic as I thought we could resolve things because why meet after 5 days just to say "yeah we ar over" but that is maybe exactly what she wanted to do .....but surely something like that is easier via text or she could have continued to ignore my texts as she had been doing an I would have given up.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a douchebag. No one owes you a second chance, and for the record, she did give you a second chance but you blew it. Just leave her alone. If she sees that you can stop being such a needy psycho, she may give you another chance. You'll probably just blow it again though, since you don't seem to understand why she dropped your sorry ass in the first place. It's also clear you don't really have shit going on in your life. Change that.

[misombra]

ALL of those guys want to **** her brains out. 100%. She's probably ****ed them already.

[Wakeup]

Yes I am well aware of the damage I have done, but now it is about the steps required to redeem myself and rectify things - I can send flowers weekly or shower her with gifts, but it seems the real issue is getting the message through that I DO trust her, I made a mistake and to beg for forgiveness - it seems I have done some of these things already.

The thing I dont understand is that last week she was ready to talk and I was optimistic as I thought we could resolve things because why meet after 5 days just to say "yeah we ar over" but that is maybe exactly what she wanted to do .....but surely something like that is easier via text or she could have continued to ignore my texts as she had been doing an I would have given up.

Don't grovel for goodness sakes. Sending someone a present (rewarding them for treating you poorly) is like giving your dog a bone for pissing on the rug. She didn't respect you so take this time to heal and find someone who doesn't need to keep dating other men while within a relationship. While you're healing, learn to have the strength to leave women who prefer the company and friendship of men over women... you are not made of the stuff it takes to be indifferent to your SO hanging out with other men. (most men and women are not made of the 'stuff' it takes fwiw)