Fight or Flight

[headoverheals]

I've been involved in a very complicated situation for a little over a year now. I will try to make the background story short and sweet although hard to do and not sure if I may leave out pieces that will help with the advice. Here goes...

Over the past year I have fallen deeply in love with my best friend. I met him a little over a year ago and we grew very close. All along he has known of my feelings as they have progressed as I've always been open. We are not dating. I met him at a time when he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and he is rightfully shut down and the relationship walls are up. He and I have come a long way however and in the beginning it was "I'm still totally not over my ex"...today we are at a point that he feels comfortable telling me that he has thought of dating me down the road so I know there is a possibility. We both agree that the two of us are very compatible as a couple. Now to add to the mess, I have been living in the same apartment with him since Nov of last year. He is currently living with his sister and when she and I became best friends I ended up moving in to save on rent. Since living with him we have adapted many of the routines of a couple. We are pretty regularly intimate (which was going on way before I moved in), we do many things together on a daily basis, and we've adopted an intimate relationship on more than a physical level.

I have been here for him and with him through ups and downs with his business that he runs, everyday problems, and very sadly the death of his mother earlier this year. I know this man inside and out and I have never been more sure about anything in my life.

Unfortunately, the break up with the ex was a long process and she is still not 100% out of the picture. She is out of the picture in terms of them getting back together but it's a weird situation. She recently moved to another state and I think the distance is a good thing. It has been torture for me though as realistically until he closes that chapter and completely moves on, it lengthens the time span that I feel like I am "waiting". Sometimes I feel like he has the best of both worlds. He can be the nice guy he is and continue to talk to her here and there until she moves on (which she has asked to get back together so I think she is still holding on) and at the same time he has had me in his life just as much he would a girlfriend pretty much since they broke up. I'll be the first to say that I've taken damn good care of him since I've been in his life and he knows that.

So basically as it stands I have hope that he and I will date in the future but I am trying to shorten the waiting time. It might be selfish but it's hard to wait and wait while you don't see the other person doing much to move forward with their own life in terms of letting go of the past 100%. Whether your advice would be to wait for him or not, I am not asking that. I have made a choice. A hard one but for me, the right one. I'm willing to climb the mountain no matter what because I feel so strongly about it.

Next month his sister and I are moving into a house that she bought. He will be living close by with his dad maybe for the next 6 mo to a year to make sure he is there for him after losing their mom. While I think the time apart and not living together is best, I am struggling with how to handle it.

One option I see is to just continue to being close and around a lot. My dog will be dropped off with him every morning since he works from home so it's not like I'll be going any great length of time without seeing him. We'll still hang out and do things together but we obvioulsy wont be cooking dinners together, watching our shows together before bed, and the other intimate things that go on between us on a daily basis. I feel like I shouldjust try very hard to ignore the fact that he may still be talking to the ex and just be my normal self, as hard as it may be. Don't argue and show a bad side to him because it's less likely to make him want to pursue anything. I should show him my true colors and hope that he falls in love with that.

Sometimes though I am scared and think that I am unable of being so strong that I don't repeatedly get upset about the current status as I have been lately. I also believe in the you don't know what you've got until it's gone philosophy. There is a part of me that feels the need to do something different to maybe get my point across. I feel the section option would be to take a break for a while after his sister and I move. Maybe not being able to call me during the day to chat or hang out or have me around every night will make him realize something.

What would you do in my situation?

[vashti]

today we are at a point that he feels comfortable telling me that he has thought of dating me down the road so I know there is a possibility.

This is known as "carrot-dangling". In my experience, it usually amounts to nothing.

I personally think you should start dating other people. If he cares for you the way you want, he will intervene. Unfortunately, I doubt he will.

[Boisdevie]

So he's having sex with you but the relationship with his 'ex' isn't completely ended and he might want to date in the future? So basically you're a friend with benefits. Are you happy with that?

[Esther20]

Thanks for your post

[headoverheals]

Thanks for your post

I realize that there will be opinions regarding what we actually are and if it is right or wrong. The fact is that I am ok with it. The situation really is a complicated one. What I have here is a situation where I am best friends with him. His sister is like my own and his father has pretty much adopted me into the family so to speak. We are all very close and my social circle is the same as his for the most part. We are compatible in every way and both attest to that. Not that it makes much of a difference but he and I are not and have not slept with anyone else during the course of the last year. In many, many ways we act and do things as a couple. He loves an cares for me a lot but at the time he is not emotionally ready to start a dating relationship. I have made peace with that and I am ok waiting because what I see in the future looks good.
The relationship with the ex is over. The communication has diminished and is almost non-existent now. She has some "issues" and for a good amount of time she was having some very hard times with meds and overdosing, etc. Unfortunately she had no friends here to turn to and he was the only one she ever relied on. Fearing for her life, literally, he chose to be accepting of phone calls and hanging out for a bit from time to time as it seemed to help her get through the struggles she went through. Am I thrilled about all of that. No. I think he should have cut ties but who am I to tell someone how they should live their life. This couple was pretty much married without the piece of paper and the break up was not malicious. In many ways it was much like a divorce. There is a small part of me that can appreciate that he had a big enough heart after the hurt he didn't dump on her in a time of need. I do think a part of her would like to reconcile but in the many talks he and I have had, there are way too many differences that will not allow it to work. One being that he wants a family and she is anti-kids.Things like that. Big differences that don't make her a bad person, just not the right one for him.
Recently as I said, she moved away and is from what I hear in a better state mentally. They have a dog together and if you met him you would see that he is the biggest animal lover and the dog is like a child. The dog was a gift to her years ago however he was pretty much the sole care taker. She works long hours and lives in a high rise now. Not the appropriate life style to have the dog. He wants more than anything to be able to keep their dog as he works from home and has a yard for him. It just wouldn't be fair for the dog to live her lifestyle. He is currently trying to figure out how to come to an agreement about this. He realizes that the contact between them is not healthy and he knows that a relationship between them is not an option. He would like to close the chapter so to speak but is also trying to do it in a way that does not cause her to be vindictive and eliminating the chances of her agreeing to let him take the dog.
I'm sorry to give an earful about the situation but it seems relevant. He is also in the process of trying to grow a business that he has started and its something that causes a lot of stress and takes a lot of dedication. Long story short the communication between us is very strong and I understand that there are things he needs to accomplish and do before he is ready to date. Although I am willing to wait and am ok with it for the most part I also don't want to be in a situation where I am waiting for an eternity. Sometimes I think that once I am not living with him the situation will gain some clarity. He won't have me there all the time and will perhaps start to miss the closeness and maybe this will light a fire under him. I am just not sure of how to continue once we have ended our co-habitation.

[Wakeup]

Op: I think you should google "rebound relationship" so you'll be prepared. You value him far more than he values you... or so it seems. You see, he's the "prize" in your friends with benefits situ and he pretty much knows it. Mostly what happens when you're not so convenient anymore (when you move away)the urge to hook up become redundant or worse ~ you'll be replaced.

I wish for you that it goes in your favour but I think you would have faired far better with him if you had of kept your friendship sex-free until he's finished completed with the woman he can't seem to just let go. Ya gotta finish with one before the next one can catch.

BTW: I think you're fooling yourself when you say you're fine with waiting for him while he works it out with her and believing his schpeel about "dating you in the future." If you were truly fine, then this thread wouldn't exist and you'd be content having physically without him giving you the emotional catch.

[Esther52]

Thanks for your post

[headoverheals]

any other words of advice? Anyone possibly see another angle? Not that I discount what the others have stated just know that there are two sides to every coin.
thanks

[Cerulean.]

I'm honestly not sure. I recently got turned down by my best friend. With that being said, I don't know this guy you speak of... but it sounds to me that he's enjoying the intimacy with you without the strings attached. Maybe time apart will help him clear his head for you both to make it or break it. Or maybe he just only sees you as a friend. Who knows. But you know what I do know? Is that the faster this move you make happens, the faster you'll get your true answer. We aren't psychics. Only people with advice and stories of our own experiences. Hope things turn out in your favor, but I really don't see anything happening until he gets 100% over his ex.