Girl says she's not ready yet...

[theron]

Hello,

I had this topic on Girls answer - forum, but it's time to hear everyone elses response to this thing here...

I'll just copy ' n ' paste the things here:

've spent few months (4 to be exact) with a girl I've known for about 2 years. (Old friend, and a ex-girlfriend of my friend. ouch)

It all started when she started texting me all of the sudden. She asked how my days went in school and so on...
Later on, we started talking even more, sending messages in facebook and even seeing each other at hers place.

We both live in the same city during the summer, but during spring I lived about 50kilometers away from her (As I'm in different school than she).

Well, there were couple of times when I had to substitute some teachers at school in same city where this girl lives. I asked her if its okay to
sleep at hers place, so that I woudn't have to drive to work at morning. She always agreed to this.

During my stay, we watched movies, had some nice time together, did things together what first seemed that only couples would do.
There was this look in her eyes that told me, that she would like me.. more than in a "friend - way".

Time passes, we text a lot. One weekend (about 2 months from our first text episode) she came to my place, and we had a plan to go out with our
friends. When we arrived back at my place, we took some beverages, and after that I went to sleep.

The next thing is what scared me: Simply put, she came to my bed, kissed me and we had sex. She said that she had waited for this for a long time, and even got those birthcontrol pills for her... (Again, something that I'd categorize couples would do)

Time passes again, we text a lot, see each other at hers place, but do nothing like before, even kiss. This was the time when I thought that what happened at my place was totally because of her drinking a bit too much, and there's nothing more.

Few weeks ago, we started kissing goodbyes. I thought that this means that we're getting further with our relationship, I even slipped a note where I told her that I like her. I never heard her response to that.

Updates here:

I had a nice & long chat with this girl yesterday.

I asked her, if she had any idea where this our "thing" is going.

It turns out that she has some issues when it comes to dating, relationships etc... That's mainly because of her ex, who was a total d*ckhead the whole time they were together (2 years).

And because of that, she's not able to have any relationships atm...

...But she said that this hasn't to be the end for us, she doesn't want to "break up" -- She's just uneasy with the idea of starting something serious right now.

Is there point on waiting for her? As far as I know, she broke up with her last boyfriend 7 months ago and she hasn't had anything since then.

When it comes to me, I'm ready to go as far as possible... But whether it is worth it or not, thats the question.

--

I really appreciate if you managed to read the whole text, and if you even bother to answer something, that would be fantastic!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

See other women, so you don't become so attached to her. If she is ready for something serious in the future, then stop seeing others but until then keep looking for the relationship you want. Nothing wrong with sleeping with her in the meantime. Don't tell her what you're doing, but don't hide it if she asks.

[smackie9]

Looks like it was FWB situation and when you expressed you feelings that was her cue to get out because that is not how she feels about you. Yes some girls just want sex with out the emotional baggage that goes with it. She was in lust with you not in love. So you were pretty much her rebound guy.

definitly don't wait for her, because before you know it she will be banging some outlaw biker.

[surfhb]

Yeah....she other women but keep in touch....maybe she'll **** you NSA style

[theron]

Allright... So, I've given her (Later girl#1) some time alone, not contacting her at all. We've seen couple of times around, did some small-talk but that's about it.

Now, I thought that this would be it, time to move on. I already saw a nice girl (Girl#2) @ my friends party, did some effort in introducing myself to her, and she seemed that she could be interested about me. (Or so it seems)

While I left the girl#1 alone, I've had a nice time chatting with the girl#2 on facebook, even changed our phone numbers and so on... She even invited me to come over, but I haven't got time to do this yet.

Now when the girl#1 has been left without attention from my side, she started to hammer me on facebook. (Like she's trying to gain my complete attention again...)
It's kinda awkward to talk with her, or I feels that it's kinda useless... She's the one who said she is not ready for a relationship atm, so why wouldn't I move on & start seeing other girls?

The point here is that I told the girl#1 when she said that she's not ready, that she should tell me if she feels differently about us hanging out together etc. Now all of the sudden I'm hanging out with a different girl...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Phase 1 complete.

Continue persuing girl #2 as you have been. Don't change anything with her, as she seems cool and stable(for now). Keep talking to her and see how things develop.

Keep talking to girl #1 but don't seem so eager..and you really shouldn't be so eager since you have girl #2 who is the better prospect now. Basically, hang out with her, but don't do anything that interferes with your time with girl #2. Basically, if they both want to hang out on the same day, go with girl #2. Or you can just tell girl #1 straight that you're going to keep seeing other girls until she decides what she wants, which is probably the best route.

[theron]

Updates, and I think they are in a positive way!

Girl#1 (the one I started this topic for) confronted me today @ facebook... She told me again that she's been thinking again this situation of ours. She admitted that she acted bit too hastily, as she had things going in her head (Read the 1. post, you'll understand). She has been missing me & our talks, everything...

Now she asked me if I'm ready to go further, not rushing anywhere, just going along and "see - what - happens " style...

From where I look it, this is the breaking point here. I've never seen her open out like that, as if she had a protection wall around her, covering all feelings under it. Now she exposed it all...

Damn. The girl#2 suddenly lost her charm

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Phase 2 complete.


Keep after girl #2.

Girl #1 has only thrown crumbs at you, so far. Talk to her more, but keep after girl #2 just as hard as you were before.

Do not stop pursuing girl #2 until girl #1 directly asks for a relationship or exclusivity. Not hints at wanting something more or whatever. She needs to directly state that she wants a relationship.

Girl #1 is attracted to your ability to not need her. You show her too much attention, and she'll be gone again. Definitely best to keep after girl #2 since she seems stable. Don't get sucked back into girl #1's trap. Do not bring up your feelings at all, and make sure you continue pursuing girl #2 with the same vigor. I cannot stress the last part enough.

[surfhb]

Good! Now date them both while looking for a third and fourth. You're young right?

[theron]

Well, my 23rd birthday is in few days, so yes, should I call myself quite young

Thanks for the good tips! I'm going easy this time, not rushing blindfolded into any traps whatsoever... I let the girls do talking and worrying from here on!

There's a HUGE rock festival in my hometown this weekend... Can't wait for it, or what it brings. I've made some agreements on meeting both of the girls that weekend, still giving the girl#2 bit more value than to the other...

I'm gonna watch over this girl#1 if she's ready to put some effort in me.. Trying to be as "hard - to - approach" - when it comes to her...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't try to be anything. Just keep in mind that girl #2 is your goal. So see girl #1 at your leisure.

How are things with girl #2 by the way. When's the last time you saw her?

[theron]

Last time was couple days ago. We have had some nice fb chat this week, and I guess I'm seeing her tomorrow.
I'm off, stay tuned for more updates in near future!

E: One question though. Lets imagine, that Girl#1 says stright "Okay, I'm ready to relationship with you" <- How can I do this without hurting the girl#2 ?

[caligirl23]

And this is why women everywhere have issues. A man meets a great girl, she is everything he wants (girl #2), but men still want the one with more of a challenge (girl#1). I say that you are doing the wrong thing by ending it with girl #2. Date them both for a little, have the conversation about not being exclusive with either one, and see where that takes you. If you end things with girl #2, you might find that girl #1 isn't what you thought and then you will be back on this forum, asking for advice on how to get her back. It's unfortunate that in relationships, women are on an audition that they don't even know about. Men critique us more than we realize- like we are vying for the "job" of being a girlfriend. Sad, but true. So, if you are honest up front to both of them, then you can't really go wrong. See which one makes you have the feeling of needing and wanting to see her. See which one you can visualize yourself with and go from there...Good luck

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Caligirl23, men are in just as much of an audition if not more than women. That's why the OP is in this situation to begin with, girl #1 didn't want him when he was freely giving her attention.

Theron, if girl #1 says directly that she wants a relationship, then I think you should accept if that's what you want, but I still don't think you should break things off with girl #2 for a week or two, because you still shouldn't trust girl #1 yet.

[smackie9]

I'm sure a choice will be made soon enough.