She Has Another Man Who 'Takes Care' of Her

[snugginz]

Hello, and thanks for reading. This is my first post on love forum. I came here after a google search for relationship help. And I hope that someone can shine some wisdom my way. Because I am really in pain with this situation I'm in. I'm confused and lost and lonely and hurting and nothing I try seems to work. Please help!

I met this girl Simone two years ago. She was clear right from the very start that she had a man, and that she would never leave him.
His name is Bobby. He is rich. He is married. He comes to spend a couple of hours with Simone a couple of times a week. He gives her a tremendous amount of money. In the past 6 months he bought her a three thousand dollar SLR camera, a new Mac computer, a racing bicycle, and is now buying her a summer cottage in the woods. He does not care who she has relationships with. She openly loves him very much. Apparently the reason she was out on the town that night she met me was that she was lonely. Because he is married and cannot be with her all the time. She finds a way to mention maybe once or twice a day how much she loves him- despite my begging her not to talk about. I regularly hear what a wonderful man he is in every way. He sees her at times completely of his choosing. And I have to run away from the house to give her privacy with him. She is terrified that he should see me. She and I can never make plans during the week, until she hears from Bob that day. Text messages roll in around 7-9 am and she jumps out of bed with joy to respond as quickly as possible. She is open that she has sex with him regularly.

When I met her I thought we would just be friends and not get serious. But she lured me in with this idea that she 'only wants to be with one man'. That I am the 'one that she really wants to be with.' That if I just 'really go for it' that she would be true to me. Bobby has no time. I spend all my time on her. I show her how to use her computer. I show her how to use her camera. I spend all of my time caring for her. But it is never mentioned to any of her friends or daughter what I do for her. All that is ever mentioned is that I am a jealous problem, and Bobby is wonderful. But no matter how much money I spend (about 50 per day on food and wine, really!) she really tells her friends that I do nothing and that I am completely tight with my money and spend nothing on her. She will only allow me to spend money on disposables that can't be seen- eg. food/internet bills, etc. She will not accept any nice gifts from me. The digital camera was my idea. The one thing I really wanted to buy her since we spend so much time taking pictures together I really wanted to be the one to buy her first really nice camera. I told her it would be her Christmas present from me. November 29 she had Bobby buy her a camera. After spending two weeks researching and showing her cameras, and really making clear that this was to be her Christmas present from me. She says it is because I would not buy her the one she really wanted and Bobby would. This is not true. I would have bought her any camera she wanted. For real.

So she really won't allow me to be a 'good guy' publicly. Publicly Bobby is the good guy. And I am the bad guy. No exceptions. Ever. These rolls are clear cut.

She says that I am 'free' also like her. But she checks my cell phone regularly while I'm in the shower, and goes through my bag completely every time she sends me to the store. She accuses me constantly, absolutely constantly of looking to other women. Every time her friends are around she complains about me looking to other women and tells some story to make me look silly. This frustrates me greatly as it is really not true, and masks the truth that she really looks to other men everywhere we go. She likes me to come running to her when she is finished with Bobby. One Friday night after she had seen Bob I decided to stay home and read a book. She accused me of being with another woman and did not speak to me for a week. I was about to tell her that she could call me any time to verify that I am home and alone, but she hung up the phone mid sentence- which she does to me quite a lot, especially when she is feigning to be indignant. Which is her favorite move.

Somehow I fell in love with this woman.

And I can't seem to let go. Men come to her house regularly, open about their intentions to have sex with her. They always come back when I am gone. If I get jealous, they all without exception enjoy telling me that she sees Bobby, she is not committed to me, and I have no grounds to be jealous.

I have tried to have an 'open' relationship with her, and see somebody else during the week, when she is 'busy' with Bobby. But I don't feel right. Somehow I feel guilty to be with another woman. And besides she has made it clear that if I see another woman, she will really leave me. Instantly. Her actions back this up. So we certainly do not have an 'open' relationship.

When we go out to nature and take photos, I feel really connected to her. There is a beauty in the quiet moments that we spend together that I cannot explain. But it is enough that I see something gentle and sensitive in her that I have come to really love.

But I have felt my drive, my joy of life, and my self esteem really plummet since I have known her. Many times, I have spent all day, pathetically spamming her text messages, while she was off busy with other men- mostly just for attention.

She used to beat me. She would scratch my face quite often. Before a big job interview she punched me in the eye and gave me a black eye. I had a scar under my arm for over a year where she had bit me so hard you could see both rows of teeth clearly. New Years Eve this year, she scratched up my face, then called the police on me- telling them that I beat her! For real. I spent the night in jail.

Since then the beating has subsided, but only because I don't talk back to her so strongly as I used to. I pretty much roll over now when she says she loves another, that this week she is really going to enjoy ****ing another, that she is looking for a 'real' man, etc. The derogatory comments that she makes to me, and about me, never end.

I do not feel good about myself anymore.

I do not feel good to hear of her constant dissatisfaction for me or her constantly amazing love for Bobby. Somehow she keeps me coming back. When I leave her I feel lost and hopeless and completely empty. I haven't had sex in a very long time, months. But I cannot seem to leave her. She comments on how satisfied she is with Bobby. She still gives me this hope that if I treat her the way Bobby does, and take care of her the way he does, then she will chose for me, and be respectful. But every weekend that I spend hundreds of dollars on her, we get along the worst, and her abuse just gets worse.

The more money I spend the worse she treats me. If I don't spend, she is justified in keeping Bobby...

And her friends and daughter never hear anything of it when I do spend lots of money on her. So the only choice she leaves me is to be the worthless guy who does nothing for her, that she tells all her friends that I really am.

I just want to be loved and appreciated. I have great business ideas and I really believe I can do something great to help people while being a real success. And I know the usual story that behind every great man is a strong woman. She is strong. If she treated me differently I could really do great things. And take care of her the way she and I both want. I want to take care of a woman. Who loves and respects me. And treats me the way she does Bobby. But I just can't seem to get past all the negativity of the people (her friends) looking down on my because of all these lies, and the negative energy that I feel from her on the days that she sees Bobby, and the constant disrespect I get from her.

Somehow I am slowly losing my will to live. I have lost two jobs in the past year. My life is an empty wreck. I feel no joy anymore, which just makes her treat me worse. She gets up now, and just leaves the house in the morning. Doesn't even say where she is going- just leaves.

I cannot leave her. Some how in some way I cannot describe I love her and cannot live without her.

How do I take control of my life again? And make this a situation I can live with and feel good about?
Please help.

No judgements, just practical advice. Please.
Thank you,

Jack

[pisces25]

One word. Therapy.

[sunnybeachgirl]

you deserve better,she is unavailable to you and i feel she will never be able to give you what you want,what we all want,to be loved and secure in a loving relationship,im sorry but i think your wasting your time with this woman,maybe when ur gone she mite miss you,but maybe she wont,only one way to find out!!

[dem862]

This is not love you are feeling. Love is healthy. What you are feeling is not healthy. You have Dependent Personality traits. You are also suffering from depression. Simone is, at best, a sugarbaby, and at worst a prostitute. She has zero respect for you. This matches the respect you have for yourself. You have extremely low self-esteem issues. If there is drug or alcohol abuse, you need to stop. This woman is going to get tired of you and get rid of you. You need to have a plan in place, and some money for when it happens. If you can't afford therapy, try some free Sex and Love Addict meetings (Look up SLAA) in your area for help. I would say that what you are calling love is actually a love addiction. If you start feeling suicidal, call the Crisis line and go do the 3-day inpatient observation thing. This may help you to get some perspective on your situation at least.

[asdfg789]

^^ this. +1

[Wakeup]

Op: Sorry but i'm going to cut right to the chase: Stop being a sap! No need to go into detail why I think you are a sap... just reread your own post and it will explain what I mean.

Please get yourself some professional help to get over your obvious codependencey issues, low self worth, white knight syndrome and your penchant for martyrdom. No need to even talk about "Simone" you are the one that allows her to be the gold-digging bitch that she is.

P.S. First go to your family physician and tell him exactly what you told us. He will direct you to the appropriate professional who will guide you back to independence and healthy sense of self and away from your codependent addiction to this woman. She abuses you and you allow it and the saddest part is you truly believe that you can't leave her. This woman who loves another has you mentally imprisoned due to your fear of being without her. How sad...

[snugginz]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I didn't mention one small fact. I'm living in a foreign country. Her country. I met her my first week here and have been here for over a year and have not made any other friends yet. I could have had a few new friends but she would not tolerate. I have lost touch with family. She is the center of my world here. I had three friends when I came here but she wouldn't tolerate their phone calls or text messages. All women are people I want to sleep with, and all men are only friends to go out and meet other women with- so she drove me away from them. Lost contact with family because I do not feel good about myself anymore and just can't find anything to say. They worry about me. I know my sister has called the embassy looking for me...

Anyway I'll look into
'Dependent Personality Traits',
'Depression',
'Self Respect/ Self Esteem Issues',
'Love Addiction',
'White Knight Syndrome',
'Martyrdom Penchant'.
I know what 'sap' means so I don't have to look this one up

I don't know what all these things mean (White Knight?). But at least I have a starting point for some research.

Co dependency seems a good place to start as both mentioned.

I never much respected people who allowed themselves to be abused by another. Always seemed pretty silly really. So its a real surprise to find myself in this situation. I suppose I've come back to her for months now, just trying to get my dignity back. Trying to change the situation into something I can feel good about. But she is way too clever, she always knows how to defeat and manipulate me.

Unfortunately I'm not actually in the US, so there is no SLAA here. And I really cannot afford therapy.

Is there a quick start guide to getting 'myself' back? Is there any way that I can get her to just behave a little more respectfully?

Thanks again,

Jack

[Boisdevie]

Is there any way that I can get her to just behave a little more respectfully?

Given your original post I think you would have to be living in some different universe to even believe that it would be possible.

[Wakeup]

Maybe you should go to that American Embassy you speak of and tell them your story. Perhaps they can direct you to who you need to see to get yourself out of your abusive relationship.


I think you should seriously consider going back home. Just save enough money for the next flight out, call your folks and tell them that you're coming and that you're going to need some de-programming big time.

[Kaius]

You don't need this drama. She's no good for you.