Will he ever marry me or should I move on? This one is tricky!

[kitty_9474]

Hi everyone – I’ve been living with my boyfriend for going on four years in September. I have rarely brought up the conversation of marriage but I’m really getting to that point. Especially now because I’m pregnant (five weeks/very early).

Just to give you a bit of history. He was married once with two children (5 & 7) and is divorced because his wife cheated on him. I’ve never been married.

Anyway, we moved in together very quickly. Since then I’ve played the role of “wife” and “step mom” to his children. I do everything that a wife would do, etc. etc.

Yesterday I brought up the conversation. Asked if he had any intention of marrying me and he said “why are you asking me this?” I said I just want to do things the right way. I said you got married to your ex when she was pregnant and I’m feeling that now that you’re older it’s time to settle down. He said that he got married to her because when she got pregnant because he had come from relationships with multiple miscarriages and a few abortions and he felt guilty. He also felt it was that time. That our situation is different and I shouldn’t compare. That I’m also approaching him the wrong way about it. I said “if you don’t see marriage in our future just let me know so I can move on”. He said “oh, now you’re demanding”. I said, I’m not demanding anything. I just want to do things the right way and I have a right to know what’s in store for my future. I said “why can’t you just carry on a normal conversation?” and he said that the fact that I was bringing up marriage and demanding answers was not normal. That I look bad for approaching him that way.

He was really annoyed. Said that I shouldn’t “force him” to talk about things like this. That because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean we should automatically run to the courthouse. I ended the conversation with the saying “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right?” He said why are you saying that and I said because that’s what it seems to be right now. I told him I have some decisions to make.

I’m really sad and don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to him about it. I couldn’t even word everything how I wanted to or get everything out because he turned a conversation about our future into an argument. Got really defensive.

Now, I’m not sure if he’s scared or just doesn’t want to marry me. I figured that going on four years living together and now me being pregnant that he’d really want to settle down. It’s not looking like it. Especially if he can’t talk about it. He says all of the time how I’m marriage material, etc. so what is the problem? He claims to love me so much and never wants to be without me. Again, what’s the problem? I treat him so well. Am amazing to him and his two children. Cook, clean, and am a wife but without the commitment.

I told him that it’s very important to me to settle down and be married and he had nothing to say. He was so angry and annoyed.

I’m in such a vulnerable spot being pregnant and all. If I weren’t pregnant I’d probably just give him an ultimatum (which I know he wouldn’t do well with because he’s beyond stubborn). He’d probably just get up and leave.

I don’t know what to do? How to approach it. I want to have a heart to heart but I don’t want to keep pressuring him either.

I’m even having thoughts of not going forward with the pregnancy (please don’t judge me) as I already raised a child on my own as a single woman and don’t want to bring another child into the world that way.

Any thoughts and advice on what to do?

Is this guy just using me? Should I move on? Do any of you have a different way to “approach” him about it? Where he’ll be more receptive?

Thanks!

[vintage79]

That's a tough situation. I can say, that demanding anything was certainly a wrong move, but he should definitely be more willing to talk through things without getting defensive/evasive. After living together for 4 years, and potentially having a child, his behavior is unjustified...even if he doesn't want to have that conversation.

I do know, that marriage just because a child is potentially in the picture, is definitely the wrong reason to talk through things...I'm guessing he felt like you were essentially trying to force him into something. I'd probably give him a few days, and try to talk through things again - without the demands, more a conversation about, "where are we going" kind of thing. If you really want to get married at some point, and if he's interested, he should be willing to have this kind of conversation, unless that concept was completely off his radar.

It's tough - tread gently - give him a few days, and try the conversation again - just cast it in a slightly different way. There's definitely a chance that he'll respond the same way given that the conversations are so close together. It may be better to have a conversation with him about the potential child, as opposed to marriage...you'll probably get some references to how things are going to be, and it may open the door for the more direct questions.

Best of luck - I don't envy your position...

[TeeJay19]

Yeah, I agree that his attitude towards the conversation wasn't very good, but you pretty much demanding that you guys get married is the wrong way to go about it as well. Marraige should be something you both want. If you have to convince your partner to marry you then things are already off to a pretty rocky start.

Keep in mind that just because he doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you. Maybe he's just a little cautious after what happened in his last marraige. Having your wife cheat on you is pretty devastating and maybe after that he decided marraige isn't for him. I've known people in similar sitautions you have said that. Doesn't mean that's the right attitude to have, all I'm saying is that it might not be the idea of spending the rest of his life with you that's the problem, it might just be the idea of getting married again.

I would talk to him again in a few days and try to find out, but like vintage said, tread lightly. Just try to find out why he doesn't want to get married and what exactly the are the problems he's having with the idea.

[vashti]

If he won't marry you when you are pregnant with his child, he won't EVER marry you. If marriage is what you want (and I don't blame you, being pregnant and all, since marriage offers some sense stability, whether well-deserved or not), you should consider if this is really the man for you.

Good luck.

[Angellic]

I can understand your feelings of insecurity - pregnancy has a way of bringing it all to the fore - but it sounds like he's pretty resistant to the idea of marriage again. It may be because he has commitment issues after the demise of his last marriage, or it may be because he feels the relationship works just fine as it is. Out of interest, how did he react to your pregnancy? Was he excited? Or just blase about it? That might be a good clue to how he feels about the relationship as a whole. If, as you are concerned about, he sees you as a skivvy/maid/cook/childminder etc, then he is unlikely to be interested in something as exciting as bringing a new life into the world. On the other hand, if he is pleased and eager to do his bit, then it suggests his issues about marriage are less to do with his feelings for you and more down to issues with commitment.

I would try talking to him again - in a non-confrontational way - and explain that you are feeling insecure as a natural consequence of being pregnant. Blame your hormones if necessary, but make it clear that you are ready to make a proper commitment to him, ie. marriage. If he persists in riding roughshod over your feelings and refusing to take them into account then you need to question just how committed he is to a future with you. You mention having second thoughts about the pregnancy if the relationship ends, but please don't rush into anything - your emotions are all over the place right now, so if you are unsure what to to, take some time out, go stay with a friend and consider your options before making any far reaching decisions.

[gardenofjade]

Move out for a little while and see if he comes around. Unless you have the ability to be independent he won't respect you as much. But don't move out in anger, just say you need some time alone.

[kitty_9474]

Thanks for the quick responses everyone! He is happy about the pregnancy. At least he seems like it. Is wanting to make sure that I'm eating, taking care of myself, etc. Yesterday talked about our financial plans for future, etc.

He wants lots of children.

gardenofjade - he lives with me so me leaving is not an option.

[Angellic]

Thanks for the quick responses everyone! He is happy about the pregnancy. At least he seems like it. Is wanting to make sure that I'm eating, taking care of myself, etc. Yesterday talked about our financial plans for future, etc.

He wants lots of children.

In that case, his problems are to do with marriage and commitment. Be patient and he'll probably come round in time.

[vashti]

Thanks for the quick responses everyone! He is happy about the pregnancy. At least he seems like it. Is wanting to make sure that I'm eating, taking care of myself, etc. Yesterday talked about our financial plans for future, etc.

He wants lots of children.

gardenofjade - he lives with me so me leaving is not an option.

How did he come to be living with you? Do his kids live with you, too?

[kitty_9474]

vashti - He moved in with me 2 months into our relationship and he gets his daughters every other weekend. They live with their mom.

[Saya]

I don't know if he have commitment issue since you two have been together and living together for almost 4years.... if he has commitment issues then, I don't know if he will live with you so soon... So he probably have issues with marriage?
Since he got married before that he may not want to get married again? It's a bit strange that he got defensive about this talk... I mean, he may want more time? But then, if he does then, he wouldn't get so defensive about it....

I know some of my friends that was both married before and have kids to their own, but after being together for 20+years, they still aren't married yet...but they live together, bought houses together, have business together....