Did I push my ex into an extra-marital affair?

[rylege]

My ex and I were madly in love and I screwed up massively destroying the whole thing! I broke her heart terribly for reasons too great in length to get into. Lets just say I got cold feet and ran away when it was time time commit. She tried getting me back for 12 months!

A year and a half later, after finally realizing that I made a huge mistake and that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I tried getting her back because one of her friends seemed to indicate that I should, and that the guy she might be with was of no consequence. She responded to my letter of apology positively, but no real details as to how she felt. I then confronted her face to face outside her work as she works just a few buildings from me in the same business complex. She listened to me for 20 minutes in shock at my confessions and apologies. I basically proposed to her right there! She was impressed yet seemed very quiet and secretive. She agreed to have coffee for which she never owned up to. I tried numerous times to talk with her at places I used to go and she goes all the time as was suggested once again by her friend who was coaching me. I finally cornered her and attempted to pin her down for a date for lunch. She nervously agreed to think about it. She finally emailed me and told me politely that her life was too complicated to deal with me right now. I was devastated and confused.

Not long after I asked her friend who was obviously trying to help me, why she pushed me to do this and what did she know that I did not. She said my ex finally confessed to her that what I did during the breakup caused irreparable damage and that now she is in love with someone else.

Well found out the new guy works in the same building as me. Everyone knew that it might be him mas they sporadically were seen together but not intimately like we were. Some even suggested that maybe they were not even together as it was not normal couple behavior. Something did not seem right! Were they together or not, or were they just friends? It was hard to tell.

Well after a while some friends of mine discovered that the guy is MARRIED! Now everything made sense, from the sporadic public sightings near work and never near any of the main venues, to her not confirming nor denying the existence of a significant other, not in her response to my letter nor when she denied my lunch proposal. Why not just tell me she is seeing someone else and be done with it?

This is something that if you knew her you would not expect from her. It is as if she is a different person. Her self esteem was always fragile and she was always clingy and needy, but she had at least self respect and dignity for herself. I believe there is a possibility that the emotional destruction I did to her by acting like a selfish jerk might have opened her up to accept any guy that would give her attention and left her vulnerable and easy pickings for affair junkies! If you saw and knew about this guy, you would immediately determine he is cocky and arrogant just by watching him interact with people. Not sure what promises he has been making to her as I know what she wants in life. She wants to get married and have children and settle down! That is her main mission in life! Can't believe she rejected my apologies and proposal to start fresh for a married man that will in all likelihood kick her to the curb when he is bored. I know I screwed up but at least I fessed up and made amends. I'd never do or be like this philanderer!

Am I not partially to blame for this? I know she needs to take responsibility for her own decisions, but if I'd made the right decision two years ago this would not have been happening.

[Cubby]

Don't blame yourself for her actions.

Even if you did hurt her and destroyed her self esteem, she is still responsible for her choices.
So maybe the most you can say, is that you were a douche to her - your hurt her, but that doesn't absolve her of her poor choices.

Life throws all kinds of things at us, and it up to us to choose our paths and how we handle our bad times.

You say that all she wants is to get married and have kids - honestly, you don't know that.
Maybe that's all she WANTED back in the day with you but your actions turned her off marriage.

Being willing to part take in an affair does suggest that she has a very poor sense of self worth, but those are her mistakes to make, this is not on you.
She could have chosen to go to counseling and work on her self esteem and feel better about herself, but she didn't. That's on her.

Furthermore, you don't know if any of this speculation is true. Its likely to be true, but you don't know it is for a fact.

Let her be, don't blame yourself for her choices and move on. Hopefully the next girl you have a relationship with will be lucky enough to get the nicer/wiser you.

[rylege]

Don't blame yourself for her actions.

Even if you did hurt her and destroyed her self esteem, she is still responsible for her choices.
So maybe the most you can say, is that you were a douche to her - your hurt her, but that doesn't absolve her of her poor choices.

Life throws all kinds of things at us, and it up to us to choose our paths and how we handle our bad times.

You say that all she wants is to get married and have kids - honestly, you don't know that.
Maybe that's all she WANTED back in the day with you but your actions turned her off marriage.

Being willing to part take in an affair does suggest that she has a very poor sense of self worth, but those are her mistakes to make, this is not on you.
She could have chosen to go to counseling and work on her self esteem and feel better about herself, but she didn't. That's on her.

Furthermore, you don't know if any of this speculation is true. Its likely to be true, but you don't know it is for a fact.

Let her be, don't blame yourself for her choices and move on. Hopefully the next girl you have a relationship with will be lucky enough to get the nicer/wiser you.

I agree with all you say except the part about not knowing what she wants. Trust me I know her extremely well and her friends told me that she is claiming to be in love with this guy and wanting to get married. She is very single minded! Besides, she gets no thrill out of just messing around, never has never would.