Bad relationship problem

[Ironman1983]

Hi, I am seeking advice and comments on what I am facing currently. This is a little lengthy as I'm trying to provide the details.

My partner tends to get very defensive when I attempt to communicate to her what my experience is when she cuts me off when I was trying to share personal things with her. After a church service, I was trying to reflect on what the pastor said and had just started when she cut me off and said "no, this was what he said". So I tried to explain to her why I interpreted it differently and before I could finish, she cut me off again. This is just one example of her interrupting when I try to speak. I felt discouraged and stopped talking after she cut me off the 3rd time. After a while, she realised she must have cut me off so she apologised. However, she only see herself cutting me off once during the 3rd time. So I decided to share with her my experience of the other two times. I told her "I felt de-validated when you said "no, this was what he said". That was as far as I got, she got agitated and cut in to disagree that she devalidated me. I told her then that it was my experience of the first time I felt interrupted. She disagreed and defended herself saying that she didn't do it. By then, her tone was relatively raised. I got upset and we started engaging in a major argument. Even while I was upset, I tried to listen to her first without cutting her off, only succeeded a few times. But I never did get to finish what I wanted to say. When I managed to keep quiet so that I can listen to her, I find myself becoming calmer. She managed to talk (rather shout) her point across. After she finished talking, I waited for about 5 secs before I started talking in a much calmer tone. After I finished a couple of lines, she cut in with a snide comment (can't remember exactly what) that got me upset. So I asked "is it ok if you don't interrupt?" she replied "I wasn't interrupting, I was talking to myself". That was when I got absolutely angry and the argument resumed into a screaming contest.

I work as a counsellor and have used everything I know about giving feedback and communication to give feedback in a non-confrontational manner. However, my partner still gets defensive often. Even though all I want is to share my feelings. I have difficulty getting her to listen. I've tried telling her this before, and I told her about the times when I was able to listen n understand her point of view even though she was screaming at me when she was upset. But she insists that it's a different situation and so it's not a valid example of what I would like her to do instead.

I am at a lost at how to handle this. She blames me for the way I am being insensitive in sharing my feelings about being interrupted without thinking about how she would feel listening to it. If I had done it in a harsh manner, I can understand why she might get defensive. But I don't. Any advice on this?

Secondly, she has a tendency to keep telling me about the things I need to work on to prevent disagreements. It takes a lot to swallow my pride even though I disagree, and to give in to her. She is never satisfied and keeps accusing me of not doing things, but when I cite specific instances when I did what she is saying, she immediately jumps to the next one. She sees only the negatives in the relationship, has never been appreciative of the things I do differently for her, and the support I've given her. When this argument arise, she told me she is not happy in the relationship and ended it. I am of the opinion that I have done a lot for her already, and I see now that I cannot make her happy because her negative mindset and constant focus on the negatives are making herself unhappy.

I know the relationship is ended, but her constant blaming me for things that happen and rejecting my feedback have made me second-guess myself. Can someone pls advise me what I have failed in? Thanks.

[Saya]

Is she always like this? Even to her family or friends?
This is not the right way to communicate.... She is very selfish and not understanding.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you've done/tried.... I doubt she will understand and can change.

[Ironman1983]

I gather from her info that suggests she may be like that towards her parents. Not sure about her friends.

Thing is, she says her parents are against her dating so they don't know about me. She doesn't want to tell them because she doesn't want to be on the end of their nagging. And that's a cause of unhappiness for her with regard to the relationship. I was shocked when she told me she isn't happy because of this, and actually placed the blame on me. When I told her there's nth I can do about her not telling them and it's not my fault, she acknowledges that it is in her hands, but still blames me for giving her pressure. In our almost 10 months of dating, I've only asked her to tell her parents twice because I feel that it's stopping the relationship from growing. And she says I always (her words) pressurise her. I feel grossly wronged and hate to have to keep hearing her shift all responsibilities to me when a lot of things are the result of her own actions.

Sorry, I'm hurting and thus, ventilating.

[pisces25]

Consider yourself lucky it's over. You deserve, and will find, better. Her loss.

[VincenzoG91]

She sounds very controlling. You kept trying to communicate in a reasonable and assertive (not aggressive) manner, and she kept shutting you down. It's not you, it's her. She was the problem. She might benefit from an anger management class, but I doubt that anybody will be able to persuade her to try one. I don't think you should have any regrets about leaving her. You tried to make things work and she didn't try. Move on and look for somebody who will appreciate you.

[nauman]

its her loss, good point u made, one shouldn't see the negatives about the relationship always..

[lydiajackie]

Sorry! But to my point of view, most women their manner are shaped from where they grew up from, if you cannot have a heart to heart talk, then i dont know who you can talk too to understand what you have been through the day, thats why people marry people they love, for comfort, companionship,etc
My friend i dont think your wife will change, if you love her try not engage her into talks you know they will bring arguments try and avoid them, since she has failed to read your tone and your silence and she is not willing to learn you at all
But its really sad!!!!!!

[bulrush]

She sounds like she has to always be right, and she can never admit she did anything wrong. I knew a girl like this. Her name was "ex wife". Usually people like this don't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I think she was wrong because she was able to point out what's wrong with you, but could never look in the mirror and see what's wrong with herself. It was more important for her to be right, than for her to have a boyfriend. That's really sad.

Try to avoid these monsters in the future.