Is it possible for an ex to still have feelings even though it's over?

[rylege]

Question Ladies?


My ex and I were very much in love, and I screwed up things and now it has been over for two years. She is 29, European, shy, quiet, very loving, uncertain of herself, below average self-esteem and very emotionally fragile. I am 35, American, very similar to her but more outgoing and average self-esteem.

I attempted recently to purposefully run into her on numerous occasions in the last six months trying to become friends and maybe more if possible, writing her a letter of apology, even confronting her face to face and telling her that she was the only one I ever want to be with, and apologizing for my mistakes, because her friend told me that I should try, all things she responded with great gratitude. However, when I ever ran into her trying to strike up a friendly conversation, her body language is very nervous and fearful. She cannot look me in the eye and her responses are cold, terse and short. Since we work just down the road from each other when I do see her in the car or at the coffee shop (when I was going. Can't go there now!), I try to smile at her and wave and she coldly responds, hesitantly forcing a small smile out.

She did agree to have coffee from time to time, however, she apparently changed her mind and I heard nothing from her. That is when I started showing up at places at the behest of her friend who said I should to try making friendly with her. That went on for about a month until I finally quit trying after asking her to lunch one of the last times I ran into her, and she responded with an email stating that she was grateful for the invite but that she was busy and she had too many problems in her life to solve and she had not energy for me and to stop trying.

I asked her friend what happened, and she said around that same time frame, my ex explained to her that the way I behaved in the breakup was so bad (which is true!) that to see me or even hear from me caused her great emotional stress and that she did not think things were repairable. I also recently found out that the person she is secretly in love with is a married man. I do not believe she knows what the hell she is doing in this affair. She just allowed her self to get involved with the first smooth talker that could meet her very tender emotional situation after the destruction I caused. It won't end well.

Anyway, with all this, do you think she has feelings for me since I seem to illicit an emotional response still? If so is it a combination of anger, lingering love and maybe, as some have suggested, even shame because she is having an affair? It seems that if she really did not care about me, then she would be indifferent, but she clearly is not. I'm just trying to understand the complexities of how women display their emotions and what I can read from that.


Thanks to anyone willing to respond.

[searock]

I think you should stop stalking her and move on.

[rylege]

I think you should stop stalking her and move on.

I'm not stalking her, I run into her frequently because we work right next door! I was trying to rekindle a relationship because I love her and her friend told me that I had a shot for whatever reason. When my ex told me to quit trying and that she gets depressed when she sees me, then I stopped! Trying to have a conversation with your ex is not stalking. As far as my knowledge about her current relationship, that guy works in the same business complex as well and everyone knows! I would never stalk!

[searock]

You said you "purposefully" ran into her and showed up at places you knew she would be in... I would be creeped out if any of my exes did something like that. Anyway, the woman gets depressed just by seeing you: obviously it's over. Her current relationship is really none of your business.

[rylege]

You said you "purposefully" ran into her and showed up at places you knew she would be in... I would be creeped out if any of my exes did something like that. Anyway, the woman gets depressed just by seeing you: obviously it's over. Her current relationship is really none of your business.

I see your point. But maybe I did not explain good. The coffee bar is a community one for the entire business complex. It is a huge place and I used to go there all the time. She knows I might go there anyway. I stopped going over a year and a half ago because it bothered me to see her and I always could tell she would glance at me with sadness. So I stopped. I only started back up because her friend said if I truly loved her then I should give it s shot. As far as her current fiasco affair, you are correct, it is none of my business. However, that does not mean I am not concerned about her or that I'm going to stop having feelings for her. I cannot just turn that off like a light!.

Besides this was not really the nature of my question. She clearly indicated to her friend who in turn told me that I incite high emotions from her when I'm even in her presence. If that is so, whether negative or positive, she is certainly not indifferent to me. If so, then my question still stands: if a relationship is over, can the ex still retain feelings for another even when moved on?

[searock]

You still have feelings for her even though it's over. That should answer your question shouldn't it?

What did you do that made her break up with you? It sounds like it was something really bad that left her "traumatized" in a way. It does NOT mean that she wants to get back with you.

[rylege]

You still have feelings for her even though it's over. That should answer your question shouldn't it?

What did you do that made her break up with you? It sounds like it was something really bad that left her "traumatized" in a way. It does NOT mean that she wants to get back with you.

I never had a relationship so serious and emotionally intense as this one. Basically, when I realized that I was in love with her and she was with me, I panicked. She knew something was wrong. I got withdrawn and finally I told her that I needed time to get my thoughts and life in order. I was fearful of change. I think id been so addicted to being content with being single and miserable that when something wonderful came a long I just flipped out! I didn't know how to handle it.

She spent a year trying to get me back, love letters, birthday cards, phone calls to friends trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. When she would show up where I was at I treated her like a stranger. Then during that 12 month time period I had a tragic death in my family, and all my thoughts were on that! Finally she left an envelope on my car with a picture and some jewelry I bought her. It hit me then that she had finally had it with me.

About a year after that, I finally squared with my aunts death and my thoughts suddenly turned to her again. Since she works nearby I saw her around often. I could see her reaction to me as going from smiling to looking down and sad. Not long after, guilt of what I had done to her hit me hard. Strong emotions and feelings I had during the relationship came on strong! Seeing her made me literally melt, I had to actually pull my car over once because I was overwhelmed just to look at her. I knew I had made an enormous mistake and that she was the woman I should have been with. That is when I ran into her friend and the whole trying to get her back began!

I know I deserve nothing from her and I am paying my karmic bill cause now I know what it felt like when I treated her the way I did. I just thought maybe there was something we could salvage. Love sucks!!!

[searock]

Ok. In this case, I think you should let her know directly that you want to get back together, if it really is what you want for the long haul. Just tell her, be explicit. She obviously doesn't trust you anymore, so you need to prove to her that you have realized your mistakes. Honestly, I think she's doing the right thing by keeping her distance, after the emotional pain of constant and complete rejection you put her through for a year (not saying you're a bad person, just that it happened). For her, it would be much better if you just left her alone. But if you're really set on trying to get her back, you need to at least communicate this to her. It doesn't mean that she will come back to you, but at least you will have tried. Send her an e-mail telling her what you wrote here basically, and tell her that she doesn't have to reply if she doesn't feel like it, you'll understand.

[rylege]

Ok. In this case, I think you should let her know directly that you want to get back together, if it really is what you want for the long haul. Just tell her, be explicit. She obviously doesn't trust you anymore, so you need to prove to her that you have realized your mistakes. Honestly, I think she's doing the right thing by keeping her distance, after the emotional pain of constant and complete rejection you put her through for a year (not saying you're a bad person, just that it happened). For her, it would be much better if you just left her alone. But if you're really set on trying to get her back, you need to at least communicate this to her. It doesn't mean that she will come back to you, but at least you will have tried. Send her an e-mail telling her what you wrote here basically, and tell her that she doesn't have to reply if she doesn't feel like it, you'll understand.

Did exactly that last November in the middle of trying to get her back. I was tearing up and and I spilled my guts in front of her. Her body language alternated between smiling and looking down and to the left and looking straight into my eyes like a upset mother looking at her bad child. She was shocked and speechless. I told her that I knew she had a current new guy and if that is what she wanted, and if that made her happy, that that is what I wanted for her and that I did not want to destroy that. She was dead silent on that one and at the time I did not know why. At the end I Asked if she wanted to have friendly coffee's from time to time and she agreed without hesitation. We hugged and parted.

I never heard from her and that is when I begin appearing at the coffee bar trying to make friendly conversation with her as her friend told me that was the next best move. Then I finally asked to her to lunch in December and when I finally got the "MY LIFE HAS TOO MANY PROBLEMS" email as I explained before. Anyway, recently I discovered why she was so silent about and clandestine about her new boyfriend. Because he's married and nobody was supposed to know! Well now I wonder if the rejection , as some others I know have suggested was a combination of distrust and anger towards me, and also shame of her current embarrassing affair she has gotten caught up in? Just can't help but ponder that after a year and a half of this married guy who still wears his wedding ring and still insists on running around in the shadows, that she is in denial of what is so obvious to those looking in. Anyway, that is none of my business, but when reality strikes, I really am concerned for her emotional well-being. Because if you think I emotionally destroyed her already fragile emotional state, this current situation is going to leave her feeling way worse! The difference as I see it, is that I manned-up, recognized my sins and confessed, and proclaimed my love for her. I learned from my mistakes and will never treat a woman like this again! Ever!! Most guys would not do this. So the rejection for a charlatan over me , while I know I do not deserve it, hurts even worse.

[searock]

So you told her months ago that you wanted to get back together with her, you kept trying to hang out with her during the months, yet she still doesn't want to get back together with you. I'd say it's time you move on and stop worrying about something that belongs in the past. If she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find you. Let it go.

[rylege]

So you told her months ago that you wanted to get back together with her, you kept trying to hang out with her during the months, yet she still doesn't want to get back together with you. I'd say it's time you move on and stop worrying about something that belongs in the past. If she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find you. Let it go.

That's what I'm doing. I've a few dates lined up and even though I really am not in the mood to date, I'm dragging myself kicking and screaming into it because I think I need to. She now know's how I feel about her, and when her situation implodes, as those types normally do, then I might look like manna from heaven comparatively speaking. We'll see? Life can be odd.

[HeartIsAching]

No, she does not still have feelings for you.

Feelings about you? Sure: Fear, intimidation, sadness, regret, indifference.

Searock is right. Time to move on.

[rylege]

No, she does not still have feelings for you.

Feelings about you? Sure: Fear, intimidation, sadness, regret, indifference.

Searock is right. Time to move on.

Fear, intimidation, sadness, regret- if she has those, then indifference would not be possible. I however, I see her reactions to me frequently, and they are consistently full of emotional body language. She admitted this to her friend not long ago that to see me caused her sadness. That is not indifference! At the very least it means I meant something to her at one time. I might be able to take solace in that.

[robotchick20]

It is possible that she has feelings for you still, but depending on what you did, she is probably scared, dissapointed, upset, and emotionally hurt. This can cause some females to brake down and try to avoid the situation with that person to "ignore" the pain because they don't want to feel it. I say give her her space and play casual like you'r just fine without her and you respect her decission for you'r "stupid" actions and just say hello occasionally and move on, or just forget about her all together and move on. However do NOT sit there and try to carry on a 2 hour conversation with her because she is probably very un comfortable wich is why she isn't looking at you.

[rylege]

It is possible that she has feelings for you still, but depending on what you did, she is probably scared, dissapointed, upset, and emotionally hurt. This can cause some females to brake down and try to avoid the situation with that person to "ignore" the pain because they don't want to feel it. I say give her her space and play casual like you'r just fine without her and you respect her decission for you'r "stupid" actions and just say hello occasionally and move on, or just forget about her all together and move on. However do NOT sit there and try to carry on a 2 hour conversation with her because she is probably very un comfortable wich is why she isn't looking at you.

Very good point. No need to get deep as she knows how I feel about her since I laid it on the line six month ago. I just saw her yesterday parked out in front of where I work and her married lover works as well. I guess she was waiting for him. I was parked two cars down and I looked over and she popped her head up and actually waved and smiled at me. I waved back and left it at that. Life is weird to have been so intimate with someone and then wave at them like it never happened!!!!