STILL single...why?

[Pegasus5]

Hello everybody

So... I am 32-and-a-half years old. I've been single for nearly five years. My ex-boyfriend is about to get married, which feels pretty weird...

I love most things about my life right now, and in many respects it's pretty cool - enviable, some would say. I have a great job, I live in a great place, and there are some exciting things happening. But it still feels like something is missing.

A lot of my friends are now married, many now have babies. Most of them are at least in secure relationships. I am not even close to having any of that! It's really scary sometimes. I try to pretend to myself that I don't care, but it always catches up with me: I am lonely. I want a relationship. Love. Security. A family... I can't escape from that fact. I'm a human being after all.

I've been on my own for so long now, I've grown used to it. That being said, I am pretty lonely and would love a partner. But I just can't find one! And I'm quite puzzled as to where I'm going wrong.

Over the last five years, I have had a series of flings with men who just don't want to commit. They are quite happy to hang out with me and sleep with me - for a few weeks, even a few months sometimes. It will be quite intense - they will be really complimentary, be very attentive, want to see me all the time, call me all the time, make me a big part of their everyday life... and it will feel to me as though a relationship is developing. But I always end up sorely disappointed.

There's only so much of that you can take before you start wondering what's wrong with you. I keep blaming myself, thinking there must be something really unattractive about me that puts men off. But I don't know what it is. I think I am actually a pretty decent person. I'm adventurous, fun, loving, loyal, down-to-earth... my ex-boyfriends are always really complimentary about me. So I obviously wasn't a bad girlfriend (...in the days when I was somebody's girlfriend, not that I can really remember!)

So I know I can't be that awful. Yet here I am, thinking there must be something hideously wrong with me.

People tell me I've just had bad luck. I just don't know what to think any more. I know one thing is true and that is: I hardly ever meet new people. I only really meet men online; I don't really have any other way of meeting them. My social circles are fairly small. I am focusing on trying to get a better social life but it's really not that easy at my age... it doesn't happen overnight and to be honest I am still a bit flummoxed as to how I can realistically expand my social circles.

Anyway I really just wanted to see if anyone could offer me some kind of insight or perspective that I might not have already considered. Just to hear that someone is in the same boat would be reassuring, to be honest.

I'm so tired of being treated as expendable. Sometimes I wonder if I have it written on my forehead.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry about this. I'm sure people here will agree that dating these days is not easy, for men or women.

One thing I noticed right away in your post is you seem to be a happy, go-with the flow, type woman. This is admirable at many levels, however, if you have a *goal* for your dating, your attitude and actions may not be consistent.

So, I always start by asking: What are your short and long term goals with dating? Spend some time thinking about this. You can't get what you want until you know what 'what' is. Then you can make a plan for how to get it. I hope I'm not confusing you. Strategy comes first from understanding your position and knowing where you want to be. Then you can figure out how to get there.

Hope this helps as a start.

[Pegasus5]

Hi IndieReloaded, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will have a think about the strategy thing.

I have a multitude of different theories about why I am single. One of which is that perhaps I am too stubborn. I don't feel like my lifestyle is particularly conducive to finding a man - never mind the right man. I can be quite reclusive, for example. I don't really go out that much. But I LOVE my lifestyle and don't really want to change it! I have tried changing little bits of it, which hasn't worked. Which makes me think I actually need to change something quite big. Which would be a big deal. And what if I change my lifestyle in a big way, and then find I am worse off? I'm worried about having to give up some of the things I love. But I sometimes think that's going to be the only way.

[Pegasus5]

The last time I even met a single man under 'normal' circumstances (ie, not found on the internet!) was at a party ONE YEAR AGO!!!

[Saya]

I understand that this is hard for you...even making new friends/getting someone new is hard these days....
Perhaps, you need a new hobby? Join a dancing class or cooking class and meet new males or even females?
Start doing new things which you have never done before. To do these things, you don't need to give up your job or move.... you just need to have a positive attitude.
You need to take a little risk and see what happens, and always stay positive. If your negative about it before doing someone new/change something, then nothing is going to work out.
First thing you need to have is to change your attitude and start being positive.
One of my friend's mother is a single mother who is in her late 50s, but was in 40's when she joined a dancing class by herself....and end up meeting this guy there and they dance together and end up getting married.
Meeting someone online is also good. I've met so many people over the net and enjoyed having their company.

[IndiReloaded]

Hi IndieReloaded, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will have a think about the strategy thing.

I have a multitude of different theories about why I am single. One of which is that perhaps I am too stubborn. I don't feel like my lifestyle is particularly conducive to finding a man - never mind the right man. I can be quite reclusive, for example. I don't really go out that much. But I LOVE my lifestyle and don't really want to change it! I have tried changing little bits of it, which hasn't worked. Which makes me think I actually need to change something quite big. Which would be a big deal. And what if I change my lifestyle in a big way, and then find I am worse off? I'm worried about having to give up some of the things I love. But I sometimes think that's going to be the only way.

Fine. But what do you WANT?

[smackie9]

Get out of using those "free" internet dating sites.....you get what you pay for. Start looking for paid match maker services (they interview people in person) that also offer a dating coach. There are singles clubs you can join, that are paid service, but they arrange a variety of social events where you can meet other singles, like cooking classes, volleyball, even boat cruises and other trips.

[Pegasus5]

Indie - what do I want? Well, I want to be with someone fun and lovely, who I can go for picnics with and be silly with, and who cares about me and is ready to share their life.

Smackie - I haven't done any singles events but I have tried practically every dating site there is - paid for and free. It's just been a bit of a disaster really! It's done little for my self-esteem. After five years I think maybe I'm just not cut out for online dating!

Saya - I've done a few courses and have tried out a few activities (which didn't interest me enough in the end for me to stick at) but yes I could probably try more things. Although there's not all that much out there that interests me that I'm not already doing! But there are still a few things - I am thinking of taking up a martial art, for example. I think I do need to try to overcome my cynicism and be more positive about trying new things.

[Boisdevie]

After five years I think maybe I'm just not cut out for online dating!

I'm about to leave my GFs house this morning. I live in the middle of nowhere so I went online and we found each other. Without the internet we would not have met in a million years. It allows you to define reasonably closely what you want and lets you talk to people even before you meet them. Online can be very very good.

[Pegasus5]

I know lots of people who have met through online dating but it just hasn't worked for me personally!

[Cerby]

I know lots of people who have met through online dating but it just hasn't worked for me personally!

Its hit and miss, I'm just passing 12 months in a relationship with someone I met online, but it took a LOT of failure to finally find one that worked for me. For you Pegasus, you're in a rut, and you've let your standards slip as well as your self-control, this is why you have flings instead of relationships. Guys will take sex and pass on the relationship if the option is there most of the time (I don't speak for everyone). In order to get out of a rut, you need to do things a with a little more conviction to get on the right path. As someone said above, determine what your short term relationship goals should be, and from there figure out step one. Whether it be a matchmaker or a singles event.

And do it with confidence.

[Pegasus5]

Yes you're right I did let go of my standards / self-control, and I've now recognised this and have stopped having flings (since Christmas). Although this means I don't get anything now! Life is easier this way... but of course I still crave that romantic fulfilment. I've passed stage one at least - no more flings with men who have nothing more to offer.

But I think I've lost faith in finding a guy who wants me for more than that. My confidence has totally gone now. It's how I regain that confidence - that conviction you speak of - that is the problem. Perhaps I am a bit scared to even try to get it back, because I'm just worried I'll get let down again. And I don't trust myself to handle my emotions well if it goes wrong.

[Pegasus5]

Indie - what do you mean by short term dating goals?

[IndiReloaded]

Indie - what do you mean by short term dating goals?

I mean the qualities around anything less than a longterm/permanent relationship. Romance, activities, work-life balance--that kind of thing.

Longterm is different. How do you imagine life with someone 10, 20, 50 years down the road? Understanding that not everyone wants this. It depends on the people involved. As I get older I've come to realize that some people are the 'marrrying' or bonding type. Some aren't. I know from interactions I've had with men that if I was ever single again, it wouldn't be for very long. I like being in a monogamous, longterm relationship and men looking for this sense this. Its not for everyone tho.

So, again: what do you want?

[Pegasus5]

I want a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone who wants the same thing. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but I get this sense that men who do want those things aren't interested in me. That for whatever reason, I don't seem like a feasible long-term prospect.

I either encounter men who are interested in hanging around with me - but who are either a bit messed up or who are just looking for fun - or I meet men who are looking for the right woman, but don't give me the time of day! I don't know if it's some kind of vibe I give off that says 'don't get into a relationship with me'...