Newlywed and planning to leave

[Unhappy8]

Not sure why I am writing here suppose I'd like some reassuring words or just another persons thoughts.... I married my husband only 2 months ago and almost immediately after the wedding I realised I wasn't in love with him. He has not changed or done anything wrong and is the sweetest person I have ever known but I have realised we are just best friends. I know a lot of people are happy to be married to someone they can call their best friend but this just isn't enough for me. I need passion, sex, spark and without it I feel trapped. Early in our relationship I remember questioning if I was in love with him - I told him and he basically convinced me I was and I was just scared because he was my first boyfriend- he told me butterflies and spark didn't last and I was being silly. I pushed it to the back of my mind and soon after we got engaged and I got swept away in planning and excitement. Now I wish I had gone with my gut.

Since I realised I'm not in love with him i have spiralled into what feels like a black hole and I have been honest and told him about my worries. He was devastated of course but is convinced we will be fine, it's just a phase and we will be ok. I know we won't. I know I'm not In love with him and deep down neither is he. I have already decided to leave him next year. I wish I had the courage and strength to do it now but I care about him too much to hurt and humiliate him so soon after our wedding... I just need to know how I get through this next year? I hate the idea of being intimate now...hate talking about the wedding wih everyone and I just want to fast forward...help

[AdminOnline]

-_-"

why do you agree to marry him in the first place?

[VincenzoG91]

You can chase the spark your whole life, but that's immature. Real love isn't about butterflies in the stomach, that's just infatuation. Real love is warm, comfortable, familiar and friendly.

Still, you should divorce this guy. He doesn't deserve this crap. Then you will be free to chase that spark for the rest of your life, bouncing from one short-term relationship to another. At some point, you will regret discarding your nice husband, and at some other point, you will find yourself struggling to raise a kid or two as a single mother. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Not sure why I am writing here suppose I'd like some reassuring words or just another persons thoughts.... I married my husband only 2 months ago and almost immediately after the wedding I realised I wasn't in love with him. He has not changed or done anything wrong and is the sweetest person I have ever known but I have realised we are just best friends. I know a lot of people are happy to be married to someone they can call their best friend but this just isn't enough for me. I need passion, sex, spark and without it I feel trapped. Early in our relationship I remember questioning if I was in love with him - I told him and he basically convinced me I was and I was just scared because he was my first boyfriend- he told me butterflies and spark didn't last and I was being silly. I pushed it to the back of my mind and soon after we got engaged and I got swept away in planning and excitement. Now I wish I had gone with my gut.

Since I realised I'm not in love with him i have spiralled into what feels like a black hole and I have been honest and told him about my worries. He was devastated of course but is convinced we will be fine, it's just a phase and we will be ok. I know we won't. I know I'm not In love with him and deep down neither is he. I have already decided to leave him next year. I wish I had the courage and strength to do it now but I care about him too much to hurt and humiliate him so soon after our wedding... I just need to know how I get through this next year? I hate the idea of being intimate now...hate talking about the wedding wih everyone and I just want to fast forward...help

Before you jump the gun here I suggest you seek out professional counseling. You say nothing has changed, but maybe the change is in you and not your relationship. You could be suffering from anxiety or depression....that could be what is making you feel so trapped...possibly a bit of a panic attack, having trouble coming to terms with the reality of marriage, fear, etc. Sorting this all out is totally do-able with some therapy and making an effort to put that "spark" back into your relationship. Communication with your husband is key. You both can work something out to enhance your lives inside the bedroom and outside. This happens to a lot of people, because it's natural for things to "slow down" and get "comfortable" with each other. By exploring new experiences together, and trying things outside your comfort zone can make a huge difference...this also helps with getting reconnected with each other. So find a good relationship therapist and both of you try to work together on this. If all else fails then you have every reason to give up on your marriage.

[oldskool83]

wow....get divorced move out asap. spare him....your def the cause of his future troubles now. A+ job!

[DreamWeaver89]

isn't this what Kim Kardashian did?

[bluesummer]

I hate to say you're romanticizing marriage way too much, but......you are. You say you never had any type of 'spark' between the two of you, that's fair. I don't know if you actually meant that you are not connecting on the level you expect or if you just think that you were supposed to feel something more intense.....ask yourself honestly.

You may move on and meet someone that might give you those 'butterflies'....for awhile. They go away though. Then you're left with a really good friend that you love and are sharing a life adventure with. It's not settling, it's not what some people find 'good enough', it's just reality. That reality can be wonderful if you want it to be.

I think your issue is that this is your first boyfriend, yes? You haven' had a lot of relationship experience and you think you are missing out on some grand amour. Maybe you are. I don't know. What I do recommend is not dragging this out for a year and putting this poor guy through misery. If you are convinced to the bottom of your soul that you don't love this guy and you never did, then save him some grief and go now. You're going to look like a massive b*tch for it, but there's no avoiding that. Just get it over with and move on.

[iamaninnocentma]

marry in haste, repent at something i cant remember, but you get the gist. Dont be so quick to leave. When i get bored of my other half, i find someone from the interweb for a few weeks of cam action, and then after im happy again. As for the butterfly feelings that you are looking for. You can get the same effect from compulsive gambling. and you dant have to suck your bookie, which is nice. try it.

[Cerulean.]

Man. I truly don't understand how people can get themselves into situations like these. You're being selfish to try to stay until next year just to plan to divorce him. No matter what, sh*ts going to sting a bit once you cut yourself free, but that's the price you pay for saying "I do". You should have been woman enough to not make such a sacred vow to him in the first place. I mean, come on. You were having tons of doubts and weren't 100% happy beforehand and you just decided to go through with it thinking things were going to change? I have a feeling, too, that you might regret this in the future considering that he's amazing to you and "your best friend". I'm not normally this "rude" when responding to someone, but when it comes to marriage and situations like these, it really irks me.

I hope for the best between the two of you and that you find it in your heart to end it now if you 100% know he is absolutely NOT the man for you. Otherwise, you could be losing someone great.

[Unhappy8]

Thank you everyone. I can't tell you how glad I am to have posted on here because it has well and truly burst this bubble I seem to have been living in for the past few weeks. Seeing the honest comments and reactions to my situation has helped. I realise now I'm creating this situation and allowing one little seed of doubt to take over... I know spark and lust doesn't last and that is why I married him - I do love him and I just need to grow up and let go of my school girl fantasies of what being in love should be. And yes maybe my doubt does come from the fact that he was my first relationship but I need to trust my judgement. I chose to marry him when I was in a good place - I just need to get back there. I have never thought I suffered from depression but every few years I do struggle with a kind of black cloud and I feel I may be going through one of those phases now. Thank you again for helping me as I can let things escalate in my mind when I'm not telling people what's going on. X

[haxan]

Bluesummer gave the best advice, Smackie the worst. Don't waste your time and money listening to someone's verbal prozac about your relationship. Either you can live with it, or you can't. If you can't then move on now, not in a year. It's not an uncommon thing. It's almost a buyer's remorse type of situation. I've seen people date for years, get married, realize it was a mistake, get divorced in a matter of a couple of months and never speak to each other again.

Marriage isn't all flowers and unicorns, but it IS and should be attraction and chemistry...interest. If those are missing, you will end up divorced, be it in 1 month, 1 year or 5 years. Don't destroy your life by starting a family and then deciding you've had enough. If you split now, it's no different than a breakup, maybe a bit of personal property to distribute and you can move on with your life.

Marriage isn't about settling, it's about a connection and a want to be together. If you don't have it now, you never will.

[smackie9]

Thank you everyone. I can't tell you how glad I am to have posted on here because it has well and truly burst this bubble I seem to have been living in for the past few weeks. Seeing the honest comments and reactions to my situation has helped. I realise now I'm creating this situation and allowing one little seed of doubt to take over... I know spark and lust doesn't last and that is why I married him - I do love him and I just need to grow up and let go of my school girl fantasies of what being in love should be. And yes maybe my doubt does come from the fact that he was my first relationship but I need to trust my judgement. I chose to marry him when I was in a good place - I just need to get back there. I have never thought I suffered from depression but every few years I do struggle with a kind of black cloud and I feel I may be going through one of those phases now. Thank you again for helping me as I can let things escalate in my mind when I'm not telling people what's going on. X

If you decide to stay I hope you make a stronger effort to express your thoughts and feelings to your husband. If you struggle with this, then that is a sad sign that this will not work out for you for the long haul and like everyone here saying, you are wasting your time. This should not be kept a secret, he needs to know what is going on with you. I know you came here for looking options, opinions and clarity to your troubled time, but don't let my words pacify your situation....you have some serious decisions to make here. Please keep us updated on your progress. Best of luck.

[bluesummer]

If you do think that you may be suffering from depression, go talk to someone about it right away. Depression will rip your life apart, and will cause you to make stupid decisions that will make you hate yourself even more as time goes on (that's why people refer to it as a downward spiral....you just keep perpetuating it). I suffered with untreated depression and anxiety for a long time. When I finally got treated, my life did a 180 and I realized how good a lot of things in my life really were, and also unfortunately all the self-destructive decisions I'd been making. If this sounds like what's going on with you, get help.

[IndiReloaded]

He has not changed or done anything wrong and is the sweetest person I have ever known but I have realised we are just best friends. I know a lot of people are happy to be married to someone they can call their best friend but this just isn't enough for me.

Yes, most people would be very satisfied to have married their best friend. Butterflies don't last. The attraction and interest that Haxan describes is something that is consciously sustained (if you both care to), like stoking a hearth. If you have a marriage where there is love, respect, mutual attraction, care and support for each other--you have the brass ring. Don't let it go. Grow up faster.

And tell him all this. Seriously. As your husband he deserves to know how you are feeling. As your friend who loves you, he might want to help. If you can't trust him to talk about this then you aren't really best friends.

[HeartIsAching]

Listen to Indi - She's spot-on. I don't get butterflies when I look at my wife, haven't for years. I get a warm feeling and if she's taken her clothes off, I have a hard time thinking straight. Marrying your best friend can be a great start to a relationship.

You really want to know whether or not you love him? Ask yourself what you'd do if somebody tried to hurt him.