Unbelievable!!

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah, we should at best look up to you, right mr. perfect? Cheating happens and it doesn't happen without a reason. People don't go and cheat when they are in a happy couple. Why would they? She didn't cheat on him once, it was repeatedly, which means she did it for a reason.

Look up to me?! You're out of your mind. Yes, yes they do. Your ignorance isn't my problem.

[Petit Papillon]

Look up to me?! You're out of your mind. Yes, yes they do. Your ignorance isn't my problem.

Yeah call it whatever you want. Anyway I will never have respect for you (for you know what), so we as well can not talk to each other at all.

[Wakeup]

[quote]

Cussing her out might make you feel better, but you run the risk of coming across like a crazy person and will just further reiterate to her that she made the right decision to leave. However, I am all for letting somebody have it and have done it before in the past and it did indeed feel great!! I say go for it!

I dunno! I doubt people who have broken up with you (the general you) give a flying crap what you say to them. By the time they breakup, they are more or less indifferent to much of what you'd have to say about them or anything else really.

P.S. There are tons of people who cheat even when they love their partner and are in wonderful relationships. They simply cheat because that is who they are. They don't want to lose their partner and that is why they do things behind their partner's back.

[IndiReloaded]

My impression is that yes, some cheat 'just because' (pathologic) but some who cheat are almost driven to it (desperation). Those one-night stands that happen b/c someone is in a vulnerable place in their relationship.

Neither is really excusable, tho the latter might be more understandable. Would the perfect person please stand up?

:crickets chirping:

[Wakeup]

Well, there is no reason to blame the "victim" of a cheater. There is NO reason to cheat ~ Only excuses for it. This day of open communication, and easy divorce as well as access to marital councelling takes away ones credibility when they blame the one being cheated on for their partner having cheated. IMNSHO.

If you (the general you) are not happy then communicate, councelling, attempt to make changes then if it can't be fixed, leave it. Those who stay until they find someone new or stay and just indulge as the opportunity arises are the one's that deserve to be criticized as far as I can see. The victim of infidelity has enough on their plate without feeling the sting of being blamed for their partners straying.

[bluesky0402]

want love the other. then have to love your yourself

[IndiReloaded]

Well, there is no reason to blame the "victim" of a cheater.

The victim of infidelity has enough on their plate without feeling the sting of being blamed for their partners straying.

You are way too much about blame and unilateral action. Certainly blame isn't relevant, but if you can't imagine a situation where a spouse who is cheated on might have some *responsibility* for the situation, you lack imagination. Read any literature on marriages that recover from an affair and you will perhaps understand.

Cause and effect, Wakeup. Victims aren't always 'blameless' as you like to say.

[HeartIsAching]

You are way too much about blame and unilateral action. Certainly blame isn't relevant, but if you can't imagine a situation where a spouse who is cheated on might have some *responsibility* for the situation, you lack imagination. Read any literature on marriages that recover from an affair and you will perhaps understand.

Cause and effect, Wakeup. Victims aren't always 'blameless' as you like to say.

Not always, but sometimes.

As as past cheater...

It didn't really matter. Some did things that let me "justify" my cheating. Some didn't. It didn't matter, I still did it. Insecurity was at the core.

[Wakeup]

You are way too much about blame and unilateral action. Certainly blame isn't relevant, but if you can't imagine a situation where a spouse who is cheated on might have some *responsibility* for the situation, you lack imagination. Read any literature on marriages that recover from an affair and you will perhaps understand.

Cause and effect, Wakeup. Victims aren't always 'blameless' as you like to say.

Like I said "There is no "reason" to cheat. Only "excuses." And, I don't have to imagine any excuses .. I've read many of them in this forum already.

[boobaa]

What I meant was that people need to take the next level at some point. You cannot be girlfriend/boyfriend forever at certain age. I understand when you are 15, but they are adults (I assume) so he could add some sparkle by at least giving her a sign that he wants to marry her. Not some talking about it, but asking her to marry him or whatever.

I wouldn't want to marry a girl who is going to cheat right after things aren't going that great. If a girl wants something, she should express it, not be such a dead weight. If she is hoping that the man is figuring it out and he doesn't, then the couple is incompatible anyway... It would have been even worse if the man proposed to her and she still cheated... She dumped him 5 days before his birthday, she told him she needs time to think. Obviously she did not want to get married but to screw around.

The victim of cheat did not do anything wrong. Simply bechause he did not know, wasn't aware of things. So stop blaming.
The victim of cheatery can be blamed only when he/she knew in what position he/she put his/her partner.
So, this is probably just miscommunication and womans ignorance.

Womans mind: bunch of emotional bullshit crap.

I bet she will sleep with like 5 guys in the course of half a year and then settles down again.

[IndiReloaded]

Not always, but sometimes.

As as past cheater...

It didn't really matter. Some did things that let me "justify" my cheating. Some didn't. It didn't matter, I still did it. Insecurity was at the core.

'Not always but sometimes'. That's really the point I'm making, HIA, so thank you.

Absolutist, rigid thinking, which includes blame, does nothing but cause further problems. I don't condone cheating, but I'm not so inflexible in my thinking that I can't understand why it happens. And, IMO, it is that understanding that leads to solutions and improvement, not blame and rigid attitudes.

"stay committed to your beliefs, but flexible in your approach" is a favourite quote of mine.

[Petit Papillon]

I wouldn't want to marry a girl who is going to cheat right after things aren't going that great. If a girl wants something, she should express it, not be such a dead weight. If she is hoping that the man is figuring it out and he doesn't, then the couple is incompatible anyway... It would have been even worse if the man proposed to her and she still cheated... She dumped him 5 days before his birthday, she told him she needs time to think. Obviously she did not want to get married but to screw around.

The victim of cheat did not do anything wrong. Simply bechause he did not know, wasn't aware of things. So stop blaming.
The victim of cheatery can be blamed only when he/she knew in what position he/she put his/her partner.
So, this is probably just miscommunication and womans ignorance.

Womans mind: bunch of emotional bullshit crap.

I bet she will sleep with like 5 guys in the course of half a year and then settles down again.

You sound butthurt. Someone cheated on you recently? Well, I can tell you, she will not cheat again. It's what you want to believe. She doesn't look like a bad woman-cheater type. She rather looks like someone who was unhappy and did a mistake by not ending the things first. Things aren't so black and white, I don't undertand why you people don't understand it. But you can believe whatever you want, I have no power to change your way of thinking. And vice versa.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't condone cheating, but I'm not so inflexible in my thinking that I can't understand why it happens. And, IMO, it is that understanding that leads to solutions and improvement, not blame and rigid attitudes.

Exactly. This is why I'm so pro-counseling. I was forced to go by the court system, but I embraced it, committed to make a change and it's made a HUGE difference in my life. I'm not the man I was three or four years ago, and that is why I tell people that I'm glad I got arrested. It was a bad experience, but I took away from it a tremendous positive influence. I will work for the rest of my life to be better than I was, but the reward is the wonderful wife I've got, and a real chance to make it work... something I never had before.

[vashti]

There was no communication or attempt to stay committed to a good relationship!

I'm not blaming you for what happened, but I can't help noticing how many men insist they were involved in a "good relationship" when their women clearly were not. It's hard for me to believe that there wasn't any sign along the way that maybe she wasn't as satisfied as you were. In your next relationship, I suggest you take these signs a bit more seriously. A lot of men tend to be dismissive of their women when they are unhappy, attributing it to PMS or moodiness, etc.

[Wakeup]

I'm not blaming you for what happened, but I can't help noticing how many men insist they were involved in a "good relationship" when their women clearly were not. It's hard for me to believe that there wasn't any sign along the way that maybe she wasn't as satisfied as you were. In your next relationship, I suggest you take these signs a bit more seriously. A lot of men tend to be dismissive of their women when they are unhappy, attributing it to PMS or moodiness, etc.

Yes, there are reasons why a RELATIONSHIP can come to an end but that still doesn't mean that those reasons are reasons to cheat. If her SO thinks she's got PMS and never takes her dissatisfaction, boredom or unhappiness at face value, then leave the relationship. Those are reasons to leave a relationship, they are not reasons to stay and cheat... or stay until you find someone better either.

And No, I am not saying that the partner who fails to take his SO's complaints into account and fails to try and resolve conflict is blameless for the failure of THE RELATIONSHIP. He/she (IMO) is blameless for a partner who lacks character and cheats because he/she who cheats is too lazy to or to codependent to leave the relationship they are miserable in so they stay in it and cheat or they stay in it until someone else will have them. Ugh!...

... and yes, there are lots of stories where she voiced her dissatisfaction to unhearing ears. Same for him voicing his and not being heard by her.

Everyone understands why it happens, but there still is no reason for it to happen if unhappy people had the ballzzz to leave instead of supplement.