Serious crisis...would you please be so kind as to give me some advice?

[Condor]

Hello...I'm writing here because I desperately need some kind of guiding light. I'm at a point where I don't really know what to do with my life and love relationship and I'm hurting really, really bad. It's also the first time I feel this way, since I had never been so involved and committed to someone before.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost three years. He works and I'm finishing college, and we don't live together - yet. We've talked about moving in together a lot of times, as we have talked about having kids, spending the rest of our lives in each other's company, etc. For a long time, it seemed to me that he was The One. I have never felt so attached to someone outside of my family before and, since I'm kind of mysanthropic and find it hard to fall in love with people, that makes him truly unique to me. He has all the qualities I want in a partner and he doens't have all the ones I can't tolerate. It's just sheer chemistry for me since day one, but not just that. There's a loving relationship that we have built together over these three years with work and effort. He's my best friend, my lover and my teammate.

Usually, everything seems to be perfect. Wee meet every Friday and make plans for the whole weekend, we cook, go to concerts, watch films, meet with friends, etc. But then, when we have an argument, he ALWAYS tells me that he's tired of routine, that we don't have anything in common, that I don't try to get involved in his life and interests, that he has to walk on eggshells around me because he fears my reactions, that I'm absorbing, etc. It's always the same problems. I stand there in shock and tell him that I have not detected all those problems, that I thought we were fine. Then we make up and he tells me that he didn't really mean it, that he said all of that in the heat of the moment and that it's arguing what makes him think negativily about everything. Soap, rinse and start all over again.

I honestly do not see all those problems. We do have a lot of things in common like music, comedy, topics of conversation (we're always talking), friends, philosophy, tv-shows we both follow, etc. We also like to hang out in the same places. He has a band and I go to almost all his concerts, but still, I'm not supportive enough it seems. I also don't get how I'm absorbing since we only see each other over the weekends and he's the one who says he wishes we spent more time together. He even tells me how fulfilling he finds spending time with me. Talking about mixed messages. This has me completely puzzled. Could it be that I'm more satisfied with the relationship than him, or does he really not mean what he says? Am I blind to the red flags?

Another issue that bothers me is his readiness to throw in the towel. He's the most caring, loving guy I have ever met. He always has a smile on his face for me, he tries to make everything perfect and worthwhile and he looks after my every need. If I need a favour, I know he'll be more than willing to help. He constantly reminds me how much he loves me, how much he needs me, how special I am. He's a lot more sensitive in that way that I am and I appreciate all that loving and try to give as much as I get. But then, we have an argument and BAAM. Suddenly, everything is shaking and he doesn't believe in the relationship anymore. He wonders aloud if it's worth the pain, he says he doesn't like my behaviour and that he's not willing to put up with it for the rest of his life. He says there's no trust; not as in jealousy, we have had 0 jealousy issues, fortunately. The kind of trust he's missing is the ability to say anything to me without me getting angry. So, the father of my potential kids and love of my life is about to dump me because we argued over socks, and I feel it's surreal. I would never consider being with someone else, even if we have our ups and downs. I know conflict is sometimes unavoidable, as I know that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But he doens't seem to think the same, and when he acts like that it makes me think that his words of love are empty because he's not willing to work through difficulties.

How on earth should I handle this? The tough part is that I'm still head-over-heels in love with him and refusing to let go. Last argument we had, he told me he was dissappointed wiht my selfish behaviour, that I'm absorbing, that he's tired of the relationship, that he needs to consider a lot of things, etc. He acted REALLY cold, like he didn't give a damn about staying with me or not, making clear to me that I'd have to beg for love and pay for the wrongs I had done to him. What drove him up the walls was the fact that I was a little sad because he took a job in a different city (3hrs away from our hometown) and, according to him, I don't have the right to be sad because it's selfish and accusing and it makes him feel awful. I told him that I'd be fully supportive, that I wanted to be with him and that I loved him and we'd manage somehow, BUT that I was kind of sad and didn't feel like sex. According to him, my body language and my actions were accusing and spoke differently from my mouth, and he's not going to put up with that behaviour any longer. I didn't understand this confrontation and we had a little argument about it. I asked him if he really thought that I didn't have the right to be sad about all the frustrated summer plans, and he said that "having too many rights can be a problem sometimes".

I find this totally unfair on me, but I know that he's very susceptible and anxious right now, and trying to reason could lead to a break-up. I don't really recognise him when he behaves like this...

We're going to talk about it tomorrow, and I'm not sure what should I say to him. If I apologise about something I feel I shouldn't (being sad) and after all he's said to me, would I be showing no self-respect? I don't want to stoop as low as to stop respecting myself, by I do want to get my boyfriend back. Shoud I put an end to this? This is a path I'm trying to avoid...but I'd appreciate all advice given to me.

I need someone to throw me objective advice, since I'm so involved in this I can't see things clearly. What I want is to work towards a healthy heart and peace of mind...

[Sleed]

Hello , i think that if you love him , nothing you do is shameful. If you say that he is the father of your children(will be) then make every possible effort you can to make him happy and that will produce in him the same feeling, to try very hard. You should put pride aside and talk to him in a very sincere emotional way. Tell him how you see him , tell him how you feel etc , just be emotional dont let things like pride keep you from talking because if you lose him , you'll start a relationship with an other guy that you will only like and you will still think about your ex a lot. So try everything to keep him if you love him (tell him you will make love to him daily and do anything he wants, just lose your pride). When he hears your words and sees your devotion he might start crying , just make a lot of love to him and that will heal you both . Try to go all out with passion , dont think about it too much and if you feel ashamed after just dont tell any1, keep it as your secret, no1 has to know how dedicated and passionate you are about him.

So my advice is to love him all out and forget about pride.
And think about the future without him , you will meet some other guy that will be half as good as him and you will only like him for 5 months or so and then you will break up and start searching again.... trust me.... if you have something good dont lose it you will think about him a lot and it will be so much worse without him. Its better to be submissive in love then loveless. Dont lose him , fight for your relationship.

Oh yeah and when he will see your dedication he will soften up and he will go your way, just give him time , that emotional block you can heal that in time , he will come around.

[Cerby]

Oh yeah and when he will see your dedication he will soften up and he will go your way...

For about 5 minutes or until the next argument. Condor, you and him clearly have different ideas of where you are in the relationship. He sounds like he is bored, and doesn't have the heart to end it. The things he says about you being absorbing and selfish might have some merrit. You've come here and outlined the problems that you have with him, but haven't taken any consideration about what you might be doing as well. The relationship might simply be going stale. It happens.

When you talk to him tomorrow, don't apologize for anything you're not sorry for. See what it is he REALLY wants and don't be afraid to ask the tough questions.

[Sleed]

The cold , logical approach to this 3 years relationship , in which you still love him a lot , will end in a pride war and you will be separated in the end . The cold approach might seem better in words and in ideas but when you live it , it will suck big time. Also the emotional path might seem immature and naive but its way better then the cold one, it can be quite beatiful to live it. If you leave him because you chose a wrong but "cool" path you will end up in a bar or parc with a new date, some one eye troll making bad jokes and you will get sad and deppressed . Dont throw something good away because it has some problems now, fix them imo.

[Aliopa]

Your boyfriend behavior is puzzling, indeed. He seems to go from one pole, where all is pink and lovely, to the opposite pole, pretty quickly.
My suggestions to explain his behavior are:
1. He doesn’t love you and/or is very dissatisfied with the relationship but, having an avoidance tendency, acts like everything is fine (because it's easier that way) until, at the smallest conflict, he just explodes and lets it all out in a very unexpected and intense manner...
2. He loves you but has some kind of emotional unbalance that he needs to address;
3. You are seeing the whole story through pink glasses - and perhaps there are signs along the way showing that he does not feel as intensely for you as you do for him, and you only see that something is wrong when he clearly speaks it out loud.

Anyway... I agree that you should not apologize for something you’re not sorry about. Be honest but kind in your conversation. Show him how much you care, but also how his accusations seem unexpected and unfair. I wish you the best luck in this.

[Condor]

Cerby, I read my post again and I could clearly see I haven't mentioned what I might be doing wrong as well. I feel kind of ashamed about that because it seems I'm making him seem like the bad guy, and I'm sure I'm also guilty to some extent. The point is, I feel guilty about some things I know I shouldn't be doing (and I'm working on improving), but not about the things he accuses me of doing. That's one of the reasons I didn't mention the other side of the story, along with the fact that I was quite anxious and sad when I typed all this...But, for sure, he's not the only one to blame.

I talked to him and I didn't say sorry, but I didn't reproach him either. I wasn't afraid to ask all "the tough questions" and I didn't get clear answers (as I expected). He wasn't angry, he wasn't passionate, he wasn't emotional, he was just introverted and reserved.
I think you're right. I think I am more satisfied with the relationship than he is, and it might be my fault that he isn't satisfied enough, or maybe not. It has taken me long to admit the cold truth. I don't think my ego has ever received such a beating.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my thread.

[Condor]

Thank you, Aliopa. I read your reply and I think that all three options could be true to some extent. I don't think he doesn't love me, or at least I think he DID love me, but I do think he's unhappy with the relationship and is trying to avoid the drama of facing it. I also think he's going through a bad patch and isn't 100% emotionally healthy, and hasn't been for a long time (when I met him, he was totally out of control). And, finally, I am probably being a little delussional about the whole thing...which is totally my fault and product of my inexperience and naivety.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and answering.

[Condor]

Sleed...I don't know. I see what you mean, but I don't quite think that would solve anything. He thinks the same way you do. He says it's pointless to "rationalise", that it's all about feelings, etc. But it's not so simple for me. Also, it's not about keeping my pride untouched, it's about resolving issues that keep recurring and most probably will keep recurring in the future if we don't address them. What's worse, the case might be that these issues can't be solved and I want to find out. It's a burden to know that you CAN'T make someone happy even though you try to give them your best. That really makes you feel worthless.

[Condor]

Anyway, Sleed, thank you for answering.