Being the less successful one

[VA-girl]

Hello,
I am engaged to a really great guy. He is very responsible in every way. He has great credit, owns his own home, and is always reliable. He is the first guy who I have dated like this in a very long time. I have always been the responsible one in the relationship, and even supported a few boyfriends and friends in the past. My credit isn't perfect anymore, and I am not always on time when I go places, even work, though it's not a huge deal at the company I work for. My problem is that my fiance thinks it's a huge deal, and doesn't trust me to pay my own bills or go to work on time. He constantly asks me when i'm leaving for work, questions me if I leave late, opens my bills, and asks me if I have been paying things. Am I wrong to be annoyed about this? I feel like it comes from a good place, but I want him to respect me enough to know that I can handle things on my own. If I am vague, he says that I am making things up or lying, which really upsets me because it's none of his business to begin with, and even more so, I do not lie, and don't like being accused of it. Do you all have any opinions or advice to share with me?

Thank you!

[Hat Trick]

Talk to him about it. He could be trying to make sure you are coping well with everything, I would suggest just having a word and ask him for a bit more trust and talk about why he does it.

Good luck

[VA-girl]

Oh, I should have mentioned that I have a really good career, where I make more money than he does, and well above what is average for where I live and for my age. I am proud of my accomplishments, and I feel a bit under-appreciated when I am not trusted with these simple things.

[haxan]

Do you like being treated like an incompetent kid?

[asdfg789]

Hmmm ... sounds like he wishes that you would be more disciplined about managing your time and money, like him !

Does he have a valid reason to be concerned ? Since he is planning to marry you, perhaps he is thinking long term ?

[Boisdevie]

It sounds like he's not showing much in the way of respect for you as an adult. That is not good and needs to be dealth with asap.

[prettygirl]

seems like your having a hard time right now, think its best for you to consult your parents first or relatives may do. But in my own opinion, your husband has the right to see or check you, if you don't want him to do that then start approaching him nicely.

[Chris0516]

Hello,
I am engaged to a really great guy. He is very responsible in every way. He has great credit, owns his own home, and is always reliable. He is the first guy who I have dated like this in a very long time. I have always been the responsible one in the relationship, and even supported a few boyfriends and friends in the past. My credit isn't perfect anymore, and I am not always on time when I go places, even work, though it's not a huge deal at the company I work for. My problem is that my fiance thinks it's a huge deal, and doesn't trust me to pay my own bills or go to work on time. He constantly asks me when i'm leaving for work, questions me if I leave late, opens my bills, and asks me if I have been paying things. Am I wrong to be annoyed about this? I feel like it comes from a good place, but I want him to respect me enough to know that I can handle things on my own. If I am vague, he says that I am making things up or lying, which really upsets me because it's none of his business to begin with, and even more so, I do not lie, and don't like being accused of it. Do you all have any opinions or advice to share with me?

Thank you!

His opening of your bills, is actually a crime. Unless you ask him to open your bills.

[cheekxs]

If u 2 are going to get married u both need to be a openbook to each other.

and communication is the firrrst thing u both need to have.

if he cant listing and respect u and u cant accept that u are going to be 1
u will have a lot of problems.

sit and talk about things like this for hours. let each other know what u like dont like, and want.

U dont need a dad but a men!

[imless]

It's your problem I guess, he's acting in that way simply because he cares for you so much.

" U dont need a dad but a men! " I totally disagree with this!

[AirbenderAang]

He sounds extremely self-controlling and that of course carries over into trying to control others. It makes me, wonder why is he so self-controlling? What would happen if he didn't have his stuff together? It might help both of you to dig deeper into the reasons he does what he does. It obviously has its benefits and that has helped him be successful in many areas of his personal life. Yet as you can attest, it creates tension with others. He probably is doing what he does with good intentions, but it is a problem if you are not okay with it. You have the right to be in control of your life.

[michael_love]

he needs to take over more of these things.

you should do what you are comfortable with, and your job is important too. And he should be given these things that he is so curious about . LOL ! he can pay those bills and do those things, give him the power, and say: "lets have you deal with these, I don't want to do this " or interfere with what he wants done so perfectly.

he can take greater responsibility. he's obviously interested in getting it done so perfectly, so he could probably do a better job handling it.

money is always a tricky situation in a relationship. But if he wants control, give it to him, and focus on the love between you and him, these other matters are just business matters.

[a-brainwavelove]

Hi VA-girl, it does sound like your fiance is very self-controlling. To me it feels like he almost wants to bring you to that same 'level' of self-control and discipline that he has. I would strongly suggest that you don't take his behavior personally! It really is all about himself, not about you. You should try to talk about this with him calmly, and if he refuses to dig deeper or gets angry about it, try to gently slip the idea of seeing a professional psychologist about this. I have personally seen couples, who are generally very happy together, but one of them has an issue, let's call the issue a 'glass'. So everything the other partner does is seen through this 'glass'. For example, the man in a relationship has had a very controlling mother, and whenever his girlfriend/wife makes a suggestion about the way he dresses or something like that, he gets angry and calls her 'controlling'. It may be that your fiance is so overwhelmed with this 'world of perfection' he has built for himself that he almost forgets about all other things that bring you together. He kind of becomes obsessed about making you perfect enough for his world and is so focused on the idea that it really gets in the way of your relationship. It's good you have shared this experience, so do give it more attention! The issue can really grow with time if you don't try to resolve it now and if you don't check whether your fiance would be flexible and open to dig deeper.

Good luck from me!

[lylufy]

I had felt same that before ! He talk to much about my less discipline !
All the things he want me do is good for me, but really, I think if I do not do it, It don't lead to a bad consequence, so it is OK !
He want me become perfect ! But, I know that, becoming a perfect person is not really happy ! I saw him and realised it.
So, here, In your case, I think you should to tell him your feelings about his respect.
He love you so he will love who you are. If he only want you become the women he want...uhm...that not a true love !
You should talk together !

[IndiReloaded]

You hardly sound irresponsible. He sounds like he has control issues. Warning, these tightly wound guys can make you miserable if you aren't on the same page.