Heartbroken after boyfriend cheated

[L1976]

Not sure who will read this, but felt like I needed to just tell my story.

After being a single mom for a few years, I met a man through work, not at the same place but when i visited another office. I had an instant attraction, I arranged to go to the office again just so i could see him and eventually plucked up the courage to send him an email, inviting him for coffee. To my delight he accepted and we arranged a date. We fell in love, I had never experienced something so natural and easy, I felt that on every level we were in tune. He had been seperated for almost two years having been married for 28 years, he told me he was devestated when his wife cheated on him and couldn't forgive her. during our wonderful year together his divorce came through and i helped him all the way, he bought a house a few streets away from me and he moved into my house while we decorated and planned to move intogether. It took months for him to build up a relationship with my four year old daughter, but they ended up bonding and every day i smiled thinking I'd found the love of my life. This was not one sided, he told me daily he had found the one, wanted to get married and spend his life with me and my little girl. He told his family, my family our friends how much he loved me. we created a little family, always going on outings, he cooked wonderful meals, he encouraged me to strive for my dreams, he supported me in my role as a mom. I really could not have asked for anything better.

He was 13 years older but he was an ex boxing coach and still personal trained people so he looked much younger, i don't think a day went past when we didn't make love, everytime i saw him i would get butterflies. Only sometimes did I have doubts or concerns, looking back i'd fooled myself that this wonderful man could be up to anything, i told myself that i was the crazy one, he adored me so why would he hurt me?

A few months before the bitter end, he had stopped bringing his phone into the house, he made out he wasn't into technology and didn't need to have the phone with him all the time. He spent a great deal of time in the house renovating it, but i'd helped him and my parents and there was a great deal of work to be done but when i'd be a work i'd have no texts all day and then one late in the afternoon to say he'd decided to spend the day at his moms to decorated her house, or othertimes he'd say he'd sanded the stairs and painted, yet when i went around it was clear he hadn't. One time he came back from the gym and put his gym clothes in the washer, whilst he went upstairs i checked and they were dry. I confronted him but ended up apologising to him as he said it was the Material!!!

I thought i was going crazy!!!.

He had booked a holiday abroad for us only two months after dating, for 10 months time, that time had arrived, i'd been so excited. But a couple of days before i recieved a message on facebook from a girl who told me she had been in a sexual relationship with him for 7 months. My world collapsed. i confronted him when he got back from work and denied the whole thing, he made out she was obsessed with him and he had rejected her whilst personal training her. Deep down i didn't believe him but god did i want to believe him. I did go on holiday with him, for a couple of days I convinced myself it was all not real that the man i so dearly loved would never do that to me. but I sent this girl a message and asked her for more information. She obliged and my worst fears were confirmed, he had taken her to the same places, told her the same things and that he felt trapped by me.

I will never know the exact truth, i think he had finished with her, hence she got in touch with me. We were going to move intogether when we got back, perhaps he knew he had to make a decision about who he wanted. perhaps he never wanted her, it was me he spent almost every night with. However, I stopped fooling myself and i moved out of our hotel room half way through the holiday and told him it was over.

That was the lonliest i have ever felt. I got my parents to move all my stuff out the house, so when he returned he realised everyone knew and that i had meant what i said. I had a few texts, telling me he was sorry for the hurt he had caused and the dream he had destroyed. That he knew he had lost a good woman and best friend and that he missed me. But after i gave him another dressing down on a telephone call, he coldly told me to get over it and i've not heard a thing for a month.

I'm part relieved because i know its essential to get over someone that you don't have contact, but partly hurt that he never really tried with everything he had to try and win me back. I was supposed to be the love of his life!

I feel so hurt, disillusioned, lonely, empty and although i'm trying, i miss him so much. I want to move on but i'm scared he was my last chance at happiness. I'm 36 with a five year old daughter. i feel after having the best year of my life i've taken a dozen steps back and wonder if anyone has any words of wisdom??

[zertaag]

You've got to be strong for you child who would never want their mommy to languish in uncertainty and broken heartedness for years and years and years.

This guy clearly doesn't deserve you if he slept with another woman. Plus, you will never know the exact truth -- what does that tell you about this guy? He's a total slime ball. Cheaters don't change unless THEY want to become better, and based on what you've written it does not seem like he cares a whole lot. Get over it? Wow, I'd start moving on the second I hung up the phone.

The point is, you need to build yourself back up and you need to be strong for yourself and your child. I never heard of someone being 36 with a child and having their chance at happiness go down the drain. If he was truly your last chance at being happy he wouldn't have slept with another woman. Build your confidence back up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. And for the sake of your own sanity, do not rush back into his arms in a few weeks when he calls you.

You deserve better and you will find better- if you WANT to do so.

[caligirl23]

First and foremost, you need to understand that you did the right thing by ending it and by doing so, you have made yourself available to find happiness elsewhere. If you stayed with this man and bought his lies, you would be telling this story many years from now and not at age 36, when you are still in the "prime". You may not feel that way because you are in the same dating pool now as those younger than you, but you sound like a woman who is established, successful, a good mom, and a woman with pride and dignity. Those are all amazing qualities that any man would want. The trick now is to find the right one who will appreciate it. You need to understand that this man has a serious character flaw and it has nothing to do with you. I know it's hard not to take it personally and you may do what many women in your situation do, which is blame yourself. I could be way off, so I will just tell you that it is him that has the problem, not you, and move on to my next point which is that you will be much more cautious now when you meet men. You will trust your judgment and your gut instinct more and it will be a learning experience. I used to get so mad when people would say that to me. I don't need to learn like this! But, you really do. It's all about developing a tougher skin and being more scrutinizing of others. I know the story of "the one" is a good one that we have planted into our heads as women, but I look at it like this...I try to look at love like a football game where I gear up and get ready to play, expecting to get knocked down and knowing what to do when I do. I had a therapist explain it to me like that and at first, I thought "How pessimistic", but it has saved me from a lot of trouble. I don't always make the right decisions. Recently, I had my heart broken and didn't follow all of the advice I give and I wish I had. I know you will be ok. Of course you miss him. You miss the good things, but if you can keep telling yourself about all of his flaws and how he not just hurt you, but your daughter too, it might make it easier. It's the easy way out to paint the pretty picture of how things were in the beginning and how he would do great things for you, but this man KNEW what he was doing and knew how it felt to have it happen to him, yet continued anyway, with no regard to you at all. He is going to be some other woman's problem now and even if he moves on and sees someone else, he will still have the capacity to make terrible decisions and be hurtful and you deserve better.

[IndiReloaded]

He is going to be some other woman's problem now and even if he moves on and sees someone else, he will still have the capacity to make terrible decisions and be hurtful and you deserve better.

This^. Your story is terribly sad, but at least you found out before, say, getting pregnant by him.

I know you don't want to think about this: but if you weren't using a condom, get tested for an STD immediately. You have your daughter to think about.

Finally, and this is more of a 'hindsight 20/20' comment (easy to make since I'm not in your shoes), but you mentioned his wife cheating on him. I wonder if that's really true. I know it can be a hard thing, but divorces never happen in a vacuum. Based on your story he was either getting revenge on women in general (he was cheating on this other woman with you too) or he was lying. I'd bet the latter, his wife probably left him finally.

[L1976]

What you have all said has really meant something and given me some much needed support and encouragement. I know I need to move on and become stronger. I invested in someone who didn't deserve it. It's hard to think back and so sad that I don't know what was real about any of it. Was there any genuine love for me? I guess I have to stop looking back and take steps forwards. Not easy when everything i remember was in colour and now my world seems dreary and dark. I have to remember I found the strength to walk away from someone I loved but I gave my love to the wrong person it hurts so much