Husband caught - Do I tell the wife?

[gnextdoor63]

To make a very long story short - I've been seeing a man long distance now for nearly 3 years. We met in Cancun, he was there alone. We've been on numerous trips together all over the place, Mexico again, the Bahamas, Phoenix, he's been to visit me 4 times (a 3,000 mile journey), etc. We've carried on over the phone, etc. Then in May of this year I went to New York - he lives in New Jersey. He came to meet me there and the whole time we were together he had excuse after excuse for not taking me out to see his home, show me his office, his "life" etc. On the way home I decided there was only ONE reason for that and low and behold, there was. He's married. He got married 5 months after we met in Cancun so he was probably engaged at the time... I knew he was divorced and had three kids but he never once mentioned this other marriage, nor did he ever slip! (Remarkable really).

I confronted him by phone and he didn't deny it but went into the usual repertoire of "it's not what you think, I pretty much live in the basement, we aren't a normal couple, it's more of a business relationship than anything..." yadda, yadda, yadda...

But now - after nearly three years of, obviously, very blatent and practiced lying I don't know what to believe...

He wants to continue the relationship exactly the way it always has been (!!) and I told him I needed time to think about things. I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer interested in maintaining a relationship with him - of any sort.

Sooooooo... my dilemna is (somewhat moral). Do I contact "the wife" and let her know? No doubt he has told numerous lies to her (business trips, etc.)

Most women I have talked to said they'd want to know.
Men tend to go the other way.

OPINIONS PLEASE!!!

Also, if I was to tell her should it be a face-to-face, an anonymous letter in the mail... what would be less painful for her? I think if I did something it would be important to include some hard-fast evidence because I know now that if I don't he'll only lie his way out of it again.

Thanks everyone!

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I'm a male and I think that you should tell her. No one should be kept in the dark about an asshole like that. An anonymous letter or a visit would both be fine. I would lean toward the face-to-face approach but I know how demanding that is due to travel and such.

[IceQueen]

What would telling her achieve? Chances are she already has an idea, and even if she doesn't -- why would you tell her? To hurt HIM? This will only show to him that you're still hung up on him, that's all.

Drop out of his life altogether, and forget that he exists. Hurt him by indifference.

[julie]

No - DONT hurt him by indifference, a person like that wont even know you're being indifferent. He'll take it as if he's off the hook.

Put yourself in her shoes. You are married with children and your husbnad is some hot shot that travels everywhere. Would you really want to live in the dark forever or would you at least want to know?

So forget about how to tell HER. Just tell her. Then, you can hurt him through whatever it is he has to deal with at home.

[IceQueen]

The children are not his current wife's. They are his, from a previous marriage.

[julie]

They dont all live together?

[IceQueen]

That does not make them her children, if that's what you are getting at.

[julie]

Why on earth would that be what Im getting at? The children have nothing to do with the fact that this is still her husband. This is still his wife.

Actually, If the new wife is taking care of his children from a previous marraige, it makes the whole situation worse. Then she REALLY should know what the hell is going on.

How could you possibly not want to to tell her? You would honestly just suck it up and leave? That wouldnt phase a man like that whatsoever.

[IceQueen]

Why on earth would that be what Im getting at?

Why on earth would I know?

How could you possibly not want to to tell her? You would honestly just suck it up and leave? That wouldnt phase a man like that whatsoever.

Because my intention is not to phase someone, to hurt someone or to make someone's life better/worse/different. I wouldn't even want to deal with *anything* related to his life in *any* way. I wouldn't think about him, his wife, his children etc. twice. He screwed me over, now he doesn't exist.

[gnextdoor63]

I'm travelling to NYC this summer, so I could tell her face-to-face. I do have the ability to do it in a compassionate manner, afterall, I really have no issue with her other than I'm sorry she's got herself "officially wound up" with him. His children (3) don't live with them but they are there every other weekend and one night during the week. I think you could qualify that as definitely assisting in the supporting ($) and upbringing of the children. Also, I failed to mention that the background report I obtained did indicate that she has much more in the way of financial assets than he does - so... to top it all off he's probably been travelling etc. on her dime.

So, even though she probably (instinctually) knows, do you think if I tell her it's valuable to provide her with hard-fast evidence so that he can't deny/lie his way out of it. Obviously he's a master at this game...

[Illusional]

after being caught for lying, i think i would tell the husband. i woudl definately want to know if my wife were cheating on me because you lose a sense of trust towards them. another factor is, he is or rather he was hiding his marriage from you, and who ever else? meaning, you might not be the only side wack that he has. to be honest, telling him wife might not be a threat to him, however she would feel differently and i believe that she would like to know the truth. raverboy

[julie]

Originally posted by IceQueen
Why on earth would I know?


Because my intention is not to phase someone, to hurt someone or to make someone's life better/worse/different. I wouldn't even want to deal with *anything* related to his life in *any* way. I wouldn't think about him, his wife, his children etc. twice. He screwed me over, now he doesn't exist.

This lack of emotion and indifference gets HIM off the hook. He will think that it wasnt so bad when you found out, so he'll keep doing it. Just because you tell the wife doesnt mean your forever involved. You're telling the wife because this guy is the scum of the earth and he should know it.

[IceQueen]

First of all, who cares what *he* thinks. I think her priority right now should be not figuring out how to get back at him, but forgetting about him in the first place. Obsessing about *anything* related to him is detrimental to the healing process. If she wants to do *anything*, she should put all his presents and pictures with him in a box, and mail it to his home address (she needs to get rid of those anyway), that's all, then forget about it.

As for "poor poor wife" who "should know" -- even if she does not know (which I doubt), if they break up, he'll just go and find someone else to screw over.

[julie]

Originally posted by IceQueen
First of all, who cares what *he* thinks. I think her priority right now should be not figuring out how to get back at him, but forgetting about him in the first place. Obsessing about *anything* related to him is detrimental to the healing process. If she wants to do *anything*, she should put all his presents and pictures with him in a box, and mail it to his home address (she needs to get rid of those anyway), that's all, then forget about it.

As for "poor poor wife" who "should know" -- even if she does not know (which I doubt), if they break up, he'll just go and find someone else to screw over.

I agree with you about sending all his presents and pictures in a box and send them off..

As for obsessing, I never said as such. All I merely stated was to tell the wife.

So if and when your married, I go and screw your husband. Actually, we've been screwing for a long time, and your at home, possibly taking care of his children today. He travels to see ME, and still you think your the one and only woman in the world.
Even though he's banging the crap out of ME, its perfectly cool with you that you remain ignorant and never know what a piece of crap husband you have. Right?

Just remember, your not only his anymore. I am too.

I believe you think the saying "What you dont know wont hurt you" is true..

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Saucer of milk, table for two. Reor.