he just disappeared

[freedom4me]

Ok i apologize in advance. This may be a long post.

I met a guy three months ago online. I wasnt even really interested in meeting him but he was persistent with emails so i finally agreed. I really liked him when i met him but wasnt sure if he was that into me. He was extremely shy. He did end up sweeping me off my feet with his innocent sweetness. He bought me flowers. He was such a gentleman. I thought he was really into me. He remained very shy for a couple months. Not in the bedroom but in conversation. So a month into our relationship i asked him where we stood. He said he really liked hanging out with me but he didnt want a gf. I had issues with this since i was/am looking for a serious relationship. I decided to see him a few more rimes and we had the discussion again. He now said maybe, only time will tell. This gave me great hope. So we continued to date for another month. Everything seemed to be flowing nicely. He did kind of pull away a few times but nothing too serious.

Then starts our third month of dating. He acts as if i am his gf. He gets jealous if a man talks to me, if i get a phone call or text, or if i will be going places with my friends where i could find a man. Occasionally he asks me to pick up his dirty laundry, make his bed, do his dishes. His car broke down and he called me to help him. He has opened up to me significantly and we have started having real meaningful conversations. He asks my opinion on major decisions he has to make. Has me proof read his imprtant business paerwork and then has me save it without him even checking it over. Feels very much like a relationship to me at this point. Oh, and we have both decided to be exclusive.

Last weekend i spent both friday and saturday night at his house which has only happened once before and that was when he needed help with his car that broke down. Friday night was great! We had dinner and during dinner the topic evolved to relationships. Not speaking directly about our relationship i was able to learn some of his views. For instance two older people kissing in public would always be an affair because married people wouldnt be able to sustain that type of love. I was surprised he thought that. I believe you can keep the passion alive if you work at it. He disagreed. I said i thought it was important to discuss things you want deom a relationship early on to discover if the person you are dating is even a dating cantidate. After all who want to fall in love only to find the other person wants only fwb. He said he wouldnt be a part of my future, he didnt want to get married, he was married to his job. I said really? Then he took my hand and gazed into my eyes and said no. He is not affectionate at all so for him to hold my hand across the table meant he was joking and could see me in his future. I said i didnt want to get married either, then he joked he would have to take the ring back. Then he said he didnt want to get married quite a few more times at dinner and once again before bed. Although he says he doesnt want to get married i dont believe him. He asked me twice before if i would convert to his religion if we were to get married to which i said sure. I truly do not want to get married and hoped that subject would not come up. I might consider it with truly the right man though.

Later that night we are in bed and i put my arm around him like i always do. He says i dont like people up on me while im sleeping. I waa a little hurt and confuses because that how we always sleep. So i rolled over to my side of the bed and stayed there until morning. The alarm goes off. Its now time to get up. So i figure i will try again. He says "stop, dont touch me" in a pouty childs voice. So im a little miffed but i dont say anything. He turns around and asks why im so grouchy, anyway it turned into a little spat. Our first fight. He actually even asked me to leave. We made up, he ended up being late for work because he laid in bed wirh me for too long. Nothing sexual, just talking. I told him i was learning a lot about him lately. He tuens much more affectionate. He kissed me goodbye, which he never does (i always thought maybe he didnt wanr lipgloss on him before work so i never made it an issue), not once but twice. Then he texts me on his break which he rarely does. I ask him if he wants to see me again and we decide to go to a movie.

Dinner, movie he completely slept through, and halfway througha movie at his place and we both fell asleep. No affection. No touching. No kissing. Nothing. Wake up in the morning. Heard him tell his dad he changed his mind about something on the phone. Dont have a clue about what but i was suspicious. I didnt say anything about it. He gets reasy we both leave. He again kisses me and hugs me with passion. I think everything is fine. He says he will call me later.

No call. I text him late. We exchange four or five texts then he abruptly announces hes going to bed. He usually just texts me until he falls asleep and apologizes rhe next day.

Next day i text him i think about him first rhing in the morning. He says thats sweet. I say hes sweet. Nothing else. I havent heard from him since. This is very unusual. We talk or text several timea a day everyday since the day we met. So monday afternoon was the last time i heard from him. Last night i fot very ipset and told him i didnt feel special or imprtant to him so i would just move on. It was late so he couldve been asleep. Didnt hear back. This morning i told him i was very disappointed because things were foing so well and what did he rhink. No text back. He is at work now. He usually doesnt text me at work but sometimes he will on his break. So i am being patient and hoping to hear back something from him tonight.

The problem i have is that he just went cold and stopped texting me. Even when i texted him his response seemed pissed off. We were talking about when my son is coming out and i told him when i was leaving but wasnt sure exactly when i would get back because i have friends i wanted to visit. Thats when he turned cold. He said oh, and 10 minutes later after i didnt text him he said he was going to bed. Hea never been like this before. I am so confused and hurt because deapite what he rold me about not wantinga gf i have fallen for him.

Please help!!

[freedom4me]

Sorry for all the spelling errors. My keyboard is very tiny and its hard to scroll through a post on my tablet. One more thing i wanted to mention is that he never talks about his feelings. He told me he is secretive about them. Hmmm.. should i just move on??

[freedom4me]

I think this may be an important detail as well. He never initiates physical intimacy. I always have to. Last time we were intimate he was being standoffish. I said really, are you gonna make me beg. And he said YES! He likes it when i beg cause it makes him feel wanted. I told him i always want him. And he made mention of how secure his complex is so i couldnt stalk him. Ive never stalked anyone. He always calls me crazy. Maybe hes used to crazy b****es who stalk him and are agressive in bed. I cant read this guy at all. Im a nice, wholesome girl. I have three children and im too old to deal with hs bs. Hes 31, im 35. Ohh, and he has no friends besides his roomate that i know of. Strange... and he talks on the phone with his co workers for 30-45 minutes and sometimes more when we are together. He always makes me drive, always! He will sit out in the living room speaking wirh his roomate for great lengths of time when we are together and i am in his bed waiting for him. Im talking sometimes an hour. He forbids me to go to certain events. He told me he enjoys telling me what to do because he is the "bossman". He is a very successful boss at work so he carries it over to our relationship. He tries to control me then completely disappears! I am so dumbfounded. A man has never disappeared on me before. What does this mean??

[Cerby]

he is a flake, waste of time.

[Wakeup]

Im a nice, wholesome girl. I have three children and im too old to deal with hs bs

Please, then do make is so that you do not have to deal with his sociopathy another minute. I'd not want my children around someone like him. He sounds, selfish, egotistical, sociopathic and narcissistic and self-absorbed.

It sounds like he's punishing you for something that you're not aware of as well so add immature and unable to communicate to the mess that appears to be him.

Don't see him anymore. How could you after him practically having ignored you like you don't exist? By all accounts, He doesn't value you or your relationship at all. You met him three months ago and you're just now realizing his many faults. Sorry! but you can do better don't you think?

[freedom4me]

Hi Cerby! Thank you for responding. I have felt that he may be a waste of time from the beginning but he did have potential and with his hot and cold behavior he always left me wanting the hot, waiting for the good to show back up. Thanks for the advice!

Thank you Wakeup! I think thats exactly what i need to do is WAKE UP!! i agree with you that he does have all the traits you have listed. I will not see him again. I can do much better. I was with a man for 5 years who was a true sociopath and i would never subject my children or myself to that type of situation again. Its funny how you keep attracting the same type of person over and over. I am glad i caught it early this time. Thank you for reinforcing my belief in this. It does feel good when you are uncertain to hear someone else voice what you have already thought could be a possibility.

[freedom4me]

I still havent heard from him. To be honest i am heart broken. I dont understand how after three months he could just forget about me completely, like i never existed to him, i feel so awful. I feel like i meant absolutely nothing to him and it hurts. I couldve sworn he was falling for me too. Ive sent him several texts ranging from i am not going to let anyone treat me this way to how much he has hurt me. Ive sent six texts altogether. I quit texting him two nights ago and i will now just leave him in my past but its really upsetting. I cared so much about him. I never couldve imagined he could be so cold towards me.

[Wakeup]

I'm sorry you're hurting but if you learned anything from your last fiasco with the same type of guy you'd have learned that it is a waste of time to try and figure out the reasoning of a sociopathic mind. Men like him don't care about anyone but themeselves. They take when it pleases them and then when it gets too routine or the demands are placed upon them they split and they don't care that you may be hurting because it's all about them and what their needs are. Empathy is not one of the things they bother about.

Don't long for this man. You're currently going through withdrawl from whatever it is you get from being in a dynamic where you have to do all the reaching out. Just like quitting smoking, you're going to have to go through a bit of withdrawl before you've cleansed your body and psychology of the perceived "need" of what you are craving.

This man is a garbage fish in the pond of many, many fish that are far more better at being someone's mate so don't long for garbage when you can have gourmet. You need to change you and who you find attractive and at the very FIRST sign of appathy and indifference and self absorbed behaviour towards you, you need to have the strength to be the one that says goodbye ~ because you've come to know, without a doubt that your better than that kind of treatment. Love yourself, strive to be the best you that you can be and it will be quite easy for you to say goodbye to waste material.

[freedom4me]

Thank you Wakeup. I am trying to see that perspective right now. I just wonder if maybe he is a great guy and i am seeing things incorrectly. He was nice to servers at restaurants, held the door for me, other things too but my mind is just too blown right now to think. I know what you are saying about him is true i guess. But i cant help but second guess myself. My friends said he mind f***ed me. Thats the reason i am confused. Maybe they are right. He definitely tricked me. I know he must be seeing someone else. Now i look back at all the texts he was getting on our dates that he said were from work were probably from another woman. I feel really stupid right about now.

[freedom4me]

Ok so yesterday we were texting. Just small talk. Then i hadnt heard from him in 4 or 5 hours so i just said hey. He texted me hey back in the same minute. Usually he takes awhile to text me back. I asked if we were ok. Ten minutes later he texted me back and asked what i did during the day. Ignored my text asking if we were ok. Then we sent some more small talk texts. Then i just asked him if he wanted to see me anytime soon. He said he didnt know. So i said ok thats cool, you know how i feel so if you want me in your life text me. He texts me back right away that he has to get up early and asks me what im doing the next day. I say i dont have plans. He says he has to be up early again. I say have a good day tomorrow. He says you too. Wth is going on. By him texting me back after i said if you want me text me does that mean he wants me in his life? He has absolutely no problem completey ignoring me so why wouldnt he just do that instead of respond to a text like that. Looking back he changed after our conversation about marriage where we both said we didnt want to get married. Im wondering if he really does want to get married. Hes asked me twice if i would convert to his religion if we got married. But that doesnt make sense that he would quit talking to me because i dont want to and he does, weve only been seeing each other three months! I have no clue what is going on.

[NotEZ]

Ok so yesterday we were texting. Just small talk. Then i hadnt heard from him in 4 or 5 hours so i just said hey. He texted me hey back in the same minute. Usually he takes awhile to text me back. I asked if we were ok. Ten minutes later he texted me back and asked what i did during the day. Ignored my text asking if we were ok. Then we sent some more small talk texts. Then i just asked him if he wanted to see me anytime soon. He said he didnt know. So i said ok thats cool, you know how i feel so if you want me in your life text me. He texts me back right away that he has to get up early and asks me what im doing the next day. I say i dont have plans. He says he has to be up early again. I say have a good day tomorrow. He says you too. Wth is going on. By him texting me back after i said if you want me text me does that mean he wants me in his life? He has absolutely no problem completey ignoring me so why wouldnt he just do that instead of respond to a text like that. Looking back he changed after our conversation about marriage where we both said we didnt want to get married. Im wondering if he really does want to get married. Hes asked me twice if i would convert to his religion if we got married. But that doesnt make sense that he would quit talking to me because i dont want to and he does, weve only been seeing each other three months! I have no clue what is going on.

If he is putting you through this much and you are unhappy at his hands, then he doesn't deserve you. Don't waste any more of your time. If he was anywhere NEAR as good a man as you see him as, you wouldn't have to question whether to be with him or not. The more you hang on and let him get away with, the more he is going to take from you. Its just not worth it.

[Wakeup]

Then i just asked him if he wanted to see me anytime soon. He said he didnt know. So i said ok thats cool

you mean to say you don't see how disrespectful you were to yourself in how you handled that convo? He hasn't had the decency to talk to you or show you the least little bit that he values you yet you still asked him if he was ready to see you yet. WTF?

He then said "he didn't know" another brush off. and you say "ok that's cool" You might as well have said, "that's okay, I'm a desparate doormat and I'm here for you to wipe your shoes on me when it's convenient for YOU." Why do you do this to yourself, freedom4me? Respect yourself and quit longing for someone who doesn't value you much. I thought you had learned something about yourself earlier but apparently, you have not.

People do not respect people who cannot respect themselves. It's human nature.

[UdoKier]

This guy sounds like a total pussy. I bet he is shy and meek when other men are around.

If he treats you like this, I can only imagine what he would treat your kids like if you guys were to stay together. Hold onto the fact he sounds like he would make a horrible family man to help you get over this douche.

[freedom4me]

I saw him friday. it had been almost three weeks since last time i saw him. he was so sweet and nice like he was in the beginning. I told him i didnt want to sleep with him if he was going to disappear, he said he didnt disappear, i said you did to me. then he said he wouldnt do it again. i asked him why he did it and he said it was because i (me not him) was getting attached. i dont believe it. he knew i was attached to him before and didnt disappear then. then he reminded me that he did not want a gf. i asked why, he said he doesnt have time. i said you dont have to spend any more time than we have been spending. then he said, and this shocked me cause he NEVER talks about feelings, that he didnt want his heart to get broken. I told him i wouldnt break his heart and he said yeah right. then he was very affectionate and held me on his chest as he fell asleep. he usually turns his back to me. then in the morning we woke up and were talking, i casually asked if i should expect to just date him and never expect anything more. he said we arent dating, we are just hanging out!!! this hurt me so i got up out of bed and said i dont want to hang out so i am leaving. then he begged me not to go over and over. i got ready and went over to his bedside table to put my jewelry on and he put his arm out and asked me not to leave. so i laid back down with him. we laid there for a minute not speaking and he got up to get ready. then he kept hugging and kissing me. i wanted to ask if he did that with his other friends that he hangs out with but i kept my mouth shut. He really wanted to get me breakfast but i was being kinda a b***** and just wanted to get on my way home so he hugged and kissed me goodbye. i get in my car and leave. i call him when i am halfway home to ask if he is serious about us just hanging out. no surprise, he doesnt answer his phone. 20 mins later he calls and says he didnt hear his phone ring cause he was jammin. he asks me if i could help him with some work later this week. hes being soooo cool and the guy he was when i first met him. so saturday night comes and i hadnt heard from him. i wake up this morning (sunday) and he texted me at 4:30 in the morning just saying hi. i text him and we text back in forth for a little while. he went to the club last night and his guy friend spent the night at his house. i never heard of this guy before. i thought he didnt have any friends. but i thought it was strange for him to text me that late. so i am confused. i am so confused. why didnt he just let me go when i got upset. why did he beg me to stay. maybe he is afraid of getting hurt but he really likes me or maybe thats just what i am seeing because its what i want to believe. any opinions?