Trying to understand

[adabellissima]

Hello,

I wonder if anyone could advice me, please. Couple weeks after break up with long term boyfirend I started seeing another guy- he's had similar situation like me as his long term girlfriend was cheating at him and decided to leave. He's been pursuing me so much that I've decided to have a go. And it turned out he's a really great guy and I liked him much. We've been together for 5 months and then, one week he started behaving very strange: stopped getting in touch, being kind etc. When I asked him, what's going on he said it was problem at work. But I felt it was something else, so when he carried on with his behaviour I asked him if it's something regarding us. Well, the answer which I got was him not being sure what he feels for me and he has to figure it out. It turened out he doesn't love me and doesn't want to waste my time as we're both 30 y.o. He's been only with 2 long term partners before and thwy dumped him and looks like I'm the first one who he's left. Also, after some time he said we've started seeing each other too early after our break ups with partners and maybe that was a problem. As I really liked him and from my exprience there's nothing I can do to make him love me, I've decided to stay friends. But the problem is, I noticed I get jeallous inside seeing him being more happy about all this situation and being honest I feel rejected and don't understand how it happened. He says it's not my fault and I haven't doneanything wrong. Actually our realtionship was very good and we felt very comfortable together from the first day we started seeing each other. At the moment he says he really cares for me and doesn't want me out from his life. But I know it's only a firendship option. And no, he doesn't have anybody else.
I'm trying to understand what actually our relationship happened as it should help me to forget about him and simply not to be bothered that he'll start seeing somebody else sometime soon. We're qiute compatible and similar to each other and that's why there were no arguments between us or so.
I know I probably have to move on and just forget but I'm the person looking for the last chance in everything and really need a very logic argument to convince myself it doesn't make any sense.
Anyone could help me with this, please?

[Chris0516]

This may sound stupid, but it helped me.

My ex-wife finally admitted several years after I divorced, that she has a disability, and that she needed to lose a lot of weight(which she refused to do during our marriage resulting in her having congestive heart failure and needing a triple by-pass surgery last year and having a pacemaker installed, she is only 45yrs.-old).

My ex-fiance became a bigamist because neither she or husband filed for divorce before she got married a second time. I know this because, when I was told that she recently got married, I still remembered her social security number and used it to see if she had ever been divorced. She never got divorced from her first husband.

[searock]

Chris, how is that helpful at all?

OP, unfortunately it just happens, for people to lose interest. You were only dating for 5 months and he had just broken up with his girlfriend, clearly he was in a pretty unstable emotional period of his life. It was a good relationship as long as it lasted, keep the good memories and move on. I suggest you go no contact in order to move on more quickly and effectively. He'll understand, he sounds like a pretty decent guy. Good luck!

[Chris0516]

Chris, how is that helpful at all?

OP, unfortunately it just happens, for people to lose interest. You were only dating for 5 months and he had just broken up with his girlfriend, clearly he was in a pretty unstable emotional period of his life. It was a good relationship as long as it lasted, keep the good memories and move on. I suggest you go no contact in order to move on more quickly and effectively. He'll understand, he sounds like a pretty decent guy. Good luck!

I was pointing out, that when my ex-wife finally admitted she has a disability, it was the fact of being vindicated after her being in denial for so long. Because I had always suspected something. But she always refused to go to the doctor to be tested.

As for my ex-fiance(who is Bi-Polar II and was a survivor of childhood abuse), her now being in trouble with the law, after all the times she lied to the police about me, is what got me finally over the last little bit of pain. Because I was actually feeling sorry for her. I don't feel sorry for her any more.

[searock]

So your point is that the OP will eventually get revenge? That's a pretty sick way to look at it.

[vashti]

Look at it this way, bellissima: it is better he break off with you NOW, while you are still able to say nice things about him, rather than wait for him to break off because he finds someone else. Tell him you need to go "no contact" for now, until your emotional connection to him is gone, and you can revisit the idea of being friends when you have emotionally moved on.

As for why he wants to maintain "friendship" with you: this is because he probably DOES like you (but not the way you want), and he will feel less guilty about hurting you if you get onboard with the friend zone. This will not benefit YOU in any way(at least, not at this time); it's all for him. Don't do it. It isn't your responsibility to make him feel better about hurting you.

[Chris0516]

So your point is that the OP will eventually get revenge? That's a pretty sick way to look at it.

Not revenge but vindication. Getting revenge implies an actual action that was taken in response to the situation. I didn't get revenge. I got vindication, courtesy of their own actions.

[searock]

Still a sick way to look at it. A healthy way to deal with break ups is to accept what happened as just another life experience, learn from it and move on, without looking back.

[Chris0516]

Still a sick way to look at it. A healthy way to deal with break ups is to accept what happened as just another life experience, learn from it and move on, without looking back.

That goes without saying. Not whether or not it is a sick way to look at it. But just accepting it an moving on with your life.