Going Crazy

[TJB]

I don't even know where to start, My best Friend died a Few years back, shortly afterwards his Wife met someone on a dating site and they Dated and ended up living together for about 2 years, She ended up Leaving him mostly because he was ignoring her and placing his (Adult) Daughters needs ahead of hers, Anyway She was distraught and Suicidal over leaving this guy for a few months.

Enter me, She calls me one night and is so distraught I felt I needed to be there for her, According to her I ended up saving her life because She claims she was going to kill herself, Long Story short and Believe me, Neither of us were ever expecting it, We ended up together, But before You think I took advantage of a weakened individual, I'll just say while She was crying I put my arm around her to comfort, She turned a kissed me and up until that point I had no idea she was ever interested in me as anything other than her late husband's friend, and Believe me, I never thought I was interested in her as anything other than a Friend.

Now the hard part, We Dated for roughly 2 months and Got along better than I ever have had with anybody, We were making long term plans and She constantly told me how much She loved me and how I was the only one, She and I both felt it was meant to be, etc...Well you guessed it, The EX showed back up and She decided she was still very much in Love with him, It Devastated me but I'm finally getting back together and moving on.

Problem is, She wants me in her Life as her 'Best' Friend, I've tried several times to make a clean break and get away, But She gets all Depressed telling me how much she will miss me, How depressed she'll be etc..I end up feeling guilty and sticking around, Last night She got Drunk because the BF was out with the guys, She calls me and starts telling me she misses me and using terms like Honey and Sweetie, I really Love her and care for her but I just can't figure out why She wants me in her life other than maybe as a Back-up in case things don't work out again, But if they didn't and she wanted back, I'm not sure how I'd react. I guess I should also say that She really Truly is upset for hurting me and has had her own tough time getting over me, So I'm really confused because All my Past Relationships have always ended when they ended and never came back around. She says I treated her like a Princess and She can't find any faults with me, But feels she really needs to give this other relationship a chance.

Sorry to be so long here, But I'm confused as to what to do, How to handle this, Was that really her true feelings coming out when she was Drunk?, Even sober She tells me she misses me and cares about me. Should I hang in there or Run? I'm almost 50 and Never Ever had this aftermath to deal with, I will always Love her and probably would be Dumb enough to take her back in a second as long as She could convince that she really did love me, Meantime though I feel like I'm losing my mind trying to figure out her motives.

Obliviously there is a ton of stuff I left out due to space, But I will say, I'm only the Third guy she was ever with, She was married for 23 yrs before her Husband (My Friend) died, She speaks from the Heart and generally doesn't say anything she wouldn't mean, Is it possible She Loves 2 Men? I don't know what to think anymore, But sometimes I think she's as confused as me.
But Thanks for listening.

[freedom4me]

Imho, i think maybe things arent going as well as she had planned and she is sensing her and her man may be headed for another break up. Soo... she gets in touch with you. Lets you believe how special you are to her. If you were that perfect to her she wouldnt have left you for another man. Im not saying she doesnt care about you, but she doesnt care about you enough to be with you over someone else. Do you really want to be a backup? Someone she can run to when she needs attention because another man broke her heart? Im sure you are better than that. You deserve better. So she got drunk because he went out with the guys? Or did she get drunk because they arent getting along so well anymore? Just food for thought.

I also believe that when we get on forums like this and post about things we cant figure out its not really that we dont know the answer. We already do. We are hoping people will tell us we are wrong and they do love us so much after all. We dont want to hurt. I am just as guilty. Look into yourself for the answer. You already know. Good luck to you and dont be someones backup plan. Be somebodys number one!

[TJB]

Thanks Freedom, You make 100% sense, No I don't want to be the Backup, But I'm also wondering if maybe She's beginning to think she made a mistake, Time will tell I guess, I have told her that very same thing about not caring for me enough, She always says she does love me in her own way (Whatever that means) We talked yesterday for a bit and She was Crying and by Crying, I mean Crying her eyes out telling me she missed me and how sorry she was she hurt me, So you may be right in that She's headed for another break up and wants to keep her foot in the door, I'm actually not sure how I would handle that if it came to pass, I'm really starting to think She realizes what she lost in me. We shall see. Thanks Again.

[Confused25]

It's always a difficult situation you're in.

I will never understand some women, they think the grass is greener on the other side, yet when they see it they notice the grass hasn't changed color at all and still is the same like the day she left it.

She obviously wants to have you as a backup, someone she can cry out to and someone who she knows will always be there for you. For me she would have blew it straight after she went back to the first guy...

She will notice how crap her relationship at this moment is and probably come running back to you. But you have to stay strong, although you might love her she needs to be learned a lesson.

[smackie9]

You were the "rebound guy" plain and simple. "I want to be best friends" is a warning to get the hell out of there. Don' fall for all that crying, it's a crock of s hit. Ditch this crazy bi tch.

[TJB]

I think you are right Confused, I'm just not sure how to handle her, We were Friends first and for me it's hard to go back to being just friends, she on the other hand wants to keep that door open as just that, a back up plan. I'm just not sure how to get away without feeling like I betrayed a friendship, But I think I will have to end up doing just that, But I also get the feeling she is realizing she made a mistake and part of me feels I should give her a second chance, As you say: It's difficult situation I find myself in, Torn between what is the right thing to do and the Wrong thing to do. I'm hoping it works itself out in the end.

[TJB]

Wish it was that easy Smackie, Rebound or not, I have no doubt part of her feel in Love with me, If she didn't care somewhat, I don't think She'd be telling me she missed me and sorry she hurt me all the while crying about it, If I was just a rebound She wouldn't have any contact with me at all at this point, I think she's more confused than crazy at this point, the crazy might come along later, But I'm beginning to think she realizes she let the wrong guy go, maybe not, but I've known her for a long time before anything ever happened between us, and it's that long term Friendship we started with that makes it hard for me to just walk away, But in the end I may have to do just that.

[NotEZ]

If she was married for 23 years to the husband/your friend that died, its entirely probable that she isn't over that yet. She doesn't need to be dating anyone, she needs time to heal from that. You said she started dating this online guy shortly after. Everyone reacts differently, and maybe, her reaction was to try replace him with someone else? Which will never work in the long run because you can never replace someone who's been in your life for that long. Move on, yes, but never replace. Its entirely possible that she clings to you because you are the closest she can get to her late husband and no matter how hard she tries, no one else has been able to replace him. Not trying to bring you down or anything, but that's probably one of the worst things I can think of to go through, save for losing a child, and I think she is probably trying to compensate for that loss in all the wrong ways (both you and the other guy).

[TJB]

NotEz - You bring up some very valid points, I've sometimes wondered if I reminded her of her Husband, Not Looks wise, But in Personality, We were very similar in our Beliefs, Mannerisms, Viewpoints etc....I guess time will tell, We've been through Hell and back and yet She really wants me to remain in her Life, For now I'm just going let things go and see where it all leads, I guess you can read that as I'm moving on, Her current 'old' relationship dosen't appear to be doing so well, But I think that's a hard lesson she needs to learn and learn on her own, She's told me serveral times that's if it dosen't work out, She wants back - I told her, Only if she can prove She really does love me, Personally I think there's been too much damage done and We just need to go our separate ways. So that's the direction I'm heading in.

[IndiReloaded]

Ask yourselves this: if you remove the issue of her deceased husband (your friend) from the equation, would you even be considering dating each other?

Its possible you two are both clinging to one another simply out of familiarity. If this feels like the truth, then I would suggest you both back off and leave this as a friendship (with good boundaries).

But if you feel there is genuine compatibility and interest then just go slowly. Use patience and negotiation rather than throwing away a potentially great relationship.

Good luck.