In love with 2 men

[Maple1714]

I was dating a guy "John" a couple years ago who I instantly fell in love with. He wasn't on the same page. He really liked me etc...but the timing was just not right for him. He started to string me along and give me the run around b/c he didn't want to lose me, but he didn't want to fully commit either. So, I bailed. I was heartbroken. In my mind I thought that just b/c he wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the exact same time that I was, then he would never be and he was just using me. I might have jumped the gun a little, but I was upset.

I started to see someone else "Bob" and we now have a little girl together and are happy most of the time. But guess what? Now "John" realizes what he missed out on (me) and has expressed to a close friend of mine that he knows he messed up. He always asks about me, put me on the guest list for a concert at the club where he works for my bday (out of the blue), and texts me every now and then to ask how I am doing. I know "John" is lonely. He lives his life in the fast lane, but is torn over wanting a family and something more in his life. I still think about him all the time and that is why I am only partially happy/content in my current relationship. I have tried SO hard to put "John" out of my mind and forget about him...but I can't. I have fought the urge to contact him for so long. I want to call him and see him so bad. I have never reached out b/c I have been trying to focus on my family and make my relationship with "Bob" work. I have been doing what I felt was right for my family. It has been 4 years since "John" and I were seeing one another. What if I am trying to ignore/kill feelings that shouldn't be ignored? "Bob" and I have started to argue more...over dumb things. I feel like it's my fault we argue. I feel trapped. I don't know if "John" is serious about caring about me now...or just wants what he can't have. I love both men...I love "John" still...I never stopped loving him. "Bob" wants to marry me and is wonderful....he never needed time to figure out if he wanted to be with me or not...he has always loved me. He is a wonderful father. I don't know what to do....

[Maple1714]

You know, after writing this post I think I have found my answer. My gut tells me I was right to kick "John" to the curb the first time. My ego wants another go at it with him, but he missed his chance. I have a wonderful man in my life who I need to focus on. Why do some men take great women for granted?? Only to want them back after they are gone???

[toknow]

You don't truly love ether of them. Otherwise you would be sure you love just one of them. There is no such thing as orgy of love.

[Maple1714]

I don't know if I have ever been in love then...I am 29 and I have had 5 serious relationships since I was 18. I always get tried of my boyfriends and break up with them after a few years...except "John". He never made it to boyfriend status and I got pissed and found someone else. The 2 men in my life that didn't want to commit to me I thought I loved...all the others that love me without question I tire of. In my fantasy world I have many "boyfriends" or lovers...who fulfill different needs I have. I don't think "love" has much to do with any of it. I am not sure I know how to love someone else fully. This sucks...

[toknow]

I think you are very mature to realize that. I wasn't expecting you to stop and think, but really sometimes we make things to be more then they really are, unless we truly know the person. But, a lot of people just live in the bliss of their "love" and never find their true love. They confuse love with getting along well, or having fun, missing the person, but there is much more to it. If you had true love you wouldn't be doubting it. There is nothing unsure about love. It's the most stable thing you will find in this world.

[VincenzoG91]

If you are in love with two guys, dump the first guy. If you really loved him, there wouldn't even be a second guy.

[aawebdev]

i dont think so.sometimes you may b confused.so aftr u flluy knw whm u luv truly.dump the other one

[haxan]

'John' just feels left out. Once he accomplished breaking up your relationship, he'd more than likely get bored with you again, especially now that you have responsibility for the rest of your life.

[Maple1714]

Yes, I am pretty sure "John" just wants to get back what he once had (me) and then he would get bored again and move on to the next. He will never be the type to really settle down...He is restless and lost. Of course, that's why I find him so appealing...b/c I want what I can't have! Ahhh the cycle of desire and attraction...it definitely is not love.

[bulrush]

Why do some men take great women for granted?? Only to want them back after they are gone???

I don't think men take women for granted, at the conscious level. I think they have no idea what a good person they have, then they break up with her, then after dating a few losers, they realize how good they had it. And some return to try again.

It takes experience and maturity to know if someone is right for you. And experience takes time.

[cheekxs]

I dont think you even know what love is!
Cause you cant love 2 people and when you feel like its time to!

Chance people only take in casinos.
Not with their body and lifes. If they love their selfs then.

So maybe you have low self esteem 2! Cause if you really was into him why did you not wait for him'?
And why would you run from men to men when they feel like they want to contact you now?

I think you are just curious about what it could have been between you and him.
But im shore he is not really interested in you! If you have morals or really love the person you are
now with you should have tell him to **** off , from day one.
He trys to mess your life and your relationship!

And you are so easy to manipulate cause you already let his actions cause argue between you and your men.
And its clear o me that he have no respect for other peoples relationships!
Cause if he knows you have a family now, he would not keep doing all of that bullshit!
And if you where a woman with morals, you should have not accept any of those trash he trys to give or planing for you/..

Cause by doing that you are giving him hope and telling him that you like it.

And i would tell that "friend" of yours not to tell me any thing about him.
And if that "friend" keep doing it i would break any contact with him/her.
Cause its a problem when people like that trys to feed something bad that you dont want .

[Maple1714]

Cheekxs - all good points, but read all of the threads above...I already worked through most of this and I realize all of the obvious issues/scenarios or whatever...

Thank you all for your input! This discussion really did get me to stop looking at things on the surface and/or through lustful eyes towards the old fling. He is a loser who uses women b/c he doesn't love or know himself.

[fuel2012]

You did good by choosing BOB dont look back at wat could haved been if it would have it would have...

[Maple1714]

Paris - Thank you. Bob is SO wonderful. He supports me and our child in every way AND he is only 24yrs old. Everyone in our life comes to me and tells me how lucky I am to have him and how I dodged a bullet with John. I saw John this past weekend...Bob and I walked right past him at a park. I said hello and smiled and he asked how I was. I don't know what he felt...he seemed a bit nervous. People say that he is a jealous and feels that he treated me like crap (which he did). There is another twist to this story that I have been ashamed to admit or say on here. John thought he was the father of my child. There was a 6 week break between the 2 men...and I KNOW John is not the father, but still there are some emotions for both of us that just wont go away b/c of all of that. So John and I keep a big distance between us...and as that distance grows so do both of our emotions. Again, I don't know what John really feels...he said he didn't love me when we were seeing each other so I took for what it was and left. Now he sees me with the most beautiful little girl and someone who does love me and wishes it was him (according to others). He is floundering in life, struggling to find something meaningful...but he doesn't know how to make it happen for himself. I think he saw having a child with me as a chance to make a real change...he said he would have taken responsibly if the child had been his. Anyway, all that doesn't matter.

I know I created this situation in large part all on my own. I am not proud of my actions, but I was lost when all of that went down. I was doing a lot of drugs and partying all the time. I was depressed. Now I am a a new person in many ways...or just more of an adult version of me...and doing everything in my power to make the right choices. But, seeing John and him living 3 miles away doesn't help. I have even considered moving to a new city! The more I succeed in my life...the more attractive I have become to John I guess. I have a new great job, house, new car, family, I am in the best shape of my life, great friends...etc. He is in the same drugged out bar scene hitting on girls at the bar when he gets drunk...IDK. I just gotta keep doing what I am doing. I struggle everyday to not pick up the phone and call John. Just to meet him to talk...and see him. I always want to fix someone b/c it makes me feel needed.

[Maple1714]

....And I am starting to feel obsessed with all of this. I think about it daily and I don't know how to let go. I have talked to John...about 6 months or so ago. About everything...about how I was sorry for creating this ****ed up situation. He hugged me a lot and I cried. He told me he had feelings for me but they just weren't the same as mine at the time b/c he wasn't over an ex...he said his feelings for his ex kept him from me. He said he felt like he was open with me about all of this and was sorry I got so hurt. I told him I was in love with him. He said he wanted to be friends and have dinner sometime and I told him I couldn't. I told him I didn't know how to be his friend. We left it at that. And all this time I still pine over him...missing him. I feel like I have been going crazy lately.