Help...don't know what to do

[pedderz]

Hi, sorry for the long post but needed to give the full story.

I'm currently going through a very low period of my relationship where I think I'm doing more harm than good to keep it going. My girlfriend and I have been together for 15 months, she's 28 and I'm 36, we both have 2 children each from a previous single relationship. My children live with their mother and her children live with grandad and not with her.

She moved in temporarily after a month of us dating and were very happy together albeit not knowing eachother too well. She said that she fell in love with me not long after moving in back in May 2011 and our relationship was great until one of our mutual friends brought up my ex to her. This seemed to be a huge problem every so often where I eventually had to ask our mutual friend to stop mentioning my ex which she didn't realise it was causing a problem. My ex shafted me with deceit and we split early last year but my girlfriend started brewing things in her head that I was still into my ex, where I had to be blunt and honest on several occasions that there was nothing there and it was all in the past, and reassured her that it's you (my girlfriend) that I want to be with. After several months she accepted this and was happy.

Late last year there were certain things that I started noticing where she lied and kept things from me so that I wouldn't be upset with her. These were to do with finances which got me thinking if she was actually truthful in everthing she said. I needed to be reassured that I could trust her so we had a talk and I suggested may be she get a place of her own so that we can miss each other and allow our relationship to grow further. She moved into our mutual friends house in February where I felt very much guilty in allowing her to go.

Since she moved out things have taken a massive dip in our relationship but I have been hit with feelings way beyond my control. I actually felt for the first time that I was in love with her and that I missed her very much. As time passed my feelings have grown further deeper than I never imagined and I'm now on edge and can't stop thinking about her, and have sleepless nights. For her, it seems that she's withdrawn and has become very distant where she even lead to say that she loves me but doesn't have anything to give to me and that she feels empty inside. Our sexual relationship has too taken a massive blow and virtually non existant now.

We have had a chat a couple of times but most times she doesn't really want to touch on the subject. She has asked me if I wanted to call it a day but I've told her that i'm not walking away because I love her with all my heart and want us to get back to how we were. We also spoke about moving back in together 6 weeks ago in which she was going to think it through but was optimistic about it.

A month ago I could tell that she was down about things. She had to go away with work for 3 days so before she went I decided to ask her what she wanted, if she wanted to solve our issues and if she wanted to stay with me. She asked for some space for 2 weeks to think things through which I respected that and told her to but to really think about what she wanted. After her working week away she called me to say she was going away for a few days to be by herself. I tried to ask her where she was going but she wouldn't say. Like I said I respected her space but it was killing inside me not knowing where she was as I was missing her terribly. We still had the occasional text message.

When she returned she wanted to meet. She was tanned up and told me that she'd gone to Tunisia by herself for a week and returned on a Monday morning where I later found out through another source that she in fact returned on a Sunday night. Another lie. I brought this up during an evening out and she got slightly defensive but admitted it. I asked her what she'd decided and she wants to work things out because she loves me. It's what I want too but I told her that I wasn't accepting any more deceit from her.

Last week her dad informed her that her eldest daughter would have to start living with her from September meaning that she needs a bigger place. She involved me as we were looking to move in together so this would be ideal. I'm happy with this as it would provide stability.

Throughout the last 2 months I've noticed changes in the way she calls for me, txts me, the lack of 'I love you' and less time spent together. I don't like snooping but I noticed that she was texting somebody on a regular basis and that she's receiving early morning txts to her phone. She seems to tilt her phone in a way that causes me to suspect something's going on. I am wondering if the person who's sent her flowers to her work 6 months ago is this person. She says she doesn't know who sent them.

My problem is that with the deceit and the change of behaviour, it's now stressing me out and bringing me on a downer and don't know what to do. I try to touch on the subject to show how much I care for her and what I feel for her. She says to be patient and it'll all work out. I don't know where our relationship is going and if she's just waiting for me to call it a day. I have said to her I won't walk away but she just isn't making things any better.

We've a 2 week holiday booked to go overseas in a months time with all 4 children as they get on very well and are very excited, and happy. Cancelling the holiday will hurt the children most but I can't be going away with someone who's either using me, may have a secret life, not showing respect, not being loyal and who I feel is just treating me like a friend. I might sound selfish but I can't be dealing with 2 weeks not knowing what's going on.

Thanks.

[weathergirl]

Dear OP,
I am sorry for your situation and am glad you have decided to post here. I have read your post, and for me personally, alarm bells are ringing. Maybe I am a cynic, but it sounds to me, and I am sorry if this offends you that she is possibly seeing someone else or is at least in contact with someone.
Maybe she is seeing how it goes with you, before making a decision. Some women are like this. They want a back up plan or someone to fall back on.
The early morning texts, plus your mention of non existent sex would make alarm bells ring for me.

I will now refer to my experience - where although I had suspicion I did not want to believe it and in the end, found out the truth which finished me.

I can only suggest maybe you should sit down and talk it through, explain why you are confused and see what she says.

I wish you well. Sorry I can't be of further help and I hope my opinion does not offend you.

Regards

[Treetops]

Even if she faithful to you it seems that she wants you to think otherwise as a form of manipulation. - I would be careful, I was once in a relationship where my partner pretended that he was cheating on me in a discrete way so that I would never no for sure and be inclined to stay. It went on for too long before it ended and caused alot of emotional damage.
I hope it works out for you