Need to share this with someone

[weathergirl]

I am new to the forum so firstly thank God for the internet and the opportunity to share the harder times of our lives with others.
I will try to keep it brief, but I just need to share this with someone. Although I know what you will all say, because I have told myself the same time and time again, I am really struggling to get through this.

I live in the UK, and 3 years ago I met an iranian guy online. I hadn't been in a relationship for a while and the first year went well. He works for himself and runs his own business, so it was mostly me travelling to London to see him on my days off. He came to see me when he could (we lived 70 miles away).

My last serious relationship ended when I found out my fiancee had cheated on me and was pratically living a double life, so trust in my new relationship was fragile. I was constantly paranoid he was looking for others. In the beginning, he would reassure me that he was happy with me. I helped him as much as I could, I tried to make his life easier when I was there, cook for him, help clean his flat and he was genuinely grateful. I met him online, so he was familiar with internet dating websites. Throughout the first year, we would often argue, because I would see on his laptop he had visited and became a member of dating websites. He told me that he used to do this when we split up (there were many instances) and then when we got back together I would see what he had been doing when we split up.

Eventually, it transpired he had started a relationship with a Moroccan girl, behind my back. He was still seeing me, or rather allowing me to go and see him, the days he did not spend time with her. I found hairclips under the bed, long black hairs in the bathroom. Time after time I would confront him, time after time he told me I was mad, that it was the previous tennant's hair, the builders, etc etc. In the end, I found out who this girl was, emailed her and told her what had been going on. As a result, she went mad and ended it, as did I. We did not speak for a short time, and in the end, without going into too much detail, he appeared genuinely sorry for his mistake and I took him back. He told me he had made a mistake, that the girl he met was not serious and that he had learn his lesson. I beleived he deserved a chance, but despite my best efforts, the lack of trust caused by this caused further problems, arguments, we split up and got back together time and time again. The most we would go without speaking was a week then one of us would give in.

During the next year, I know now that he met and dated a few other girls, but it did not work out. He never told me this at the time. He would usually come back to me when it didn't work out with the others. I was constantly miserable, defensive. I would panic when he didnt answer his phone, I would assume he was with someone else and barrage him with calls and texts. I was constantly crying and unhappy, but the pain of not having him in my life, was harder for me than having him. It was a never ending cycle I could not get out of.

We agreed to spend a few days away together at Centre Parcs in February - I knew this was 'make or break' for us. During this time, he was very protective of his phone. Where he would normally leave it on the side, he constantly kept it in his pocket. Once morning I woke up early and checked his phone, and I saw, sure enough a number of texts from a girl. I couldn't read them as they were in another language, but I was convinved he was starting with someone else. I confronted him - he denied it (of course) and told me it was his friend's wife who was having marital problems. The day I confronted him we both broke down. I have never seen him cry like that. We decided to have a break in the relationship, and we saw each other last at the end of that week. He cried in my kitchen before leaving, telling me he just wanted some time alone to sort his life out, that he couldn't see me hurt and that we were not finished.

We kept in touch on and off. He continued to text me that he was trying to buy a house and couldn't have any relationship, that he had too much stress etc etc. He always maintained he was not with another girl.

This all came to a head on the jubilee weekend. I called him a couple of times on the Sunday and he didnt answer, so I started to send him text messages, like I usually do when I get paranoid, and was met by a reply "Leave me alone, what do you want? yes I'm with my g/f and you keep sending texts and you upset my girlfriend". This his me like a tonne of bricks. I always said, if I knew he was with someone else that would be it. I didn't reply, and 2 days later I got a text from him saying he was sorry to forgive him, that he only said it to make me stop, that he lied, there was no girlfriend, he apologised and apologised. he then told me (by text) that he had previously tried to start with someone else but they were constantly arguing and he left her. He told me he missed me. I beleived him. I'm guessing he would text me like this when it wasnt working out with whoever he had found.

About a week later, I called him one evening, for his phone to be answered by a woman, who then promptly put the phone down after hearing my voice. He text me about an hour later saying that was the girl he had told me about, that she went there to cause trouble, that he didnt want to let her in and that it was over. He told me he was a "disgusting person" and that it was good as he had to learn his lesson. Stupidly, and I know I am, I tried to console him saying he was not.

After this, I decided I had to seriously sit down and make a decision. I am 36 years old. I know, deep down that this is not the right guy for me. I dont know if I love him, or if I am just plain stupid. I decided that I would concentrate on my family visiting me from abroad for a week and see how I felt after. We had argued in any case and I had told him it had to be over, that he had made a fool of me. During that week I did not contact him. he text me a couple of times, saying "you dont know what you want". Ignoring this, the next day "arn't you going to answer?". I continued to concentrate on my family and ignored the messages. On Sunday, I awoke to an email from him (I had put my phone on voicemail all week) saying he had tried to text me but had heard nothing, had I changed my number, asking was I OK where was I?
I replied, a very long email. Explaining all the reasons why we had to finish and for good. The trust issues. the fact that I did not like who i'd become. That that girl answering the phone had to be the end of the line. That I was no good for him as he always had to look for others, and that the relationship was having a bad effect on me - my work, i was struggling to sleep, my friendships - everything. I told him I did my best, but I couldn't change how I felt, and I was genuinely scared what he was capable of. He lied continuously and it has knocked me for six. I poured my heart out in that email. I made sure I was clear why I had reached the decision I did.

the following morning, I had a missed call from him (which I did not answer) followed by a number of other calls from withheld numbers and another number I did not recognise. I thought it was him, checking to see if I had changed my number. Sticking to my guns, I ignored the calls. Still at this point confident I did the right thing.

The following morning I awoke to 3 emails - from his email account - from a girl telling me to stop contacting him, emailing him. That he has finished with me and to please understand this. That she loves him and will do anything for him and that it was time for me to "go for good". I also got a text, from the number I did not recognise telling me the same. This totally knocked me off my feet - in a rage I called him and lost my rag. I told him his girlfriend was texting and emailing me (he said it was not his g/f) and then stated she was like me. I told him to leave me alone, I shouted it, he was shouting too saying to tell her myself. I put the phone down.
I then called her, she initially put the phone down then answered. I told her I was not with him, that if she reads the last email I sent she will see. I told her not to contact me, and to tell him not to contact me and to leave me alone. She was just listening and saying "thank you thank you" and I put the phone down.

Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. I have been crying on and off since. I am angry at him, at her. I am ashamed for allowing myself to be in this situation. I was coping OK until she contacted me.

I am sure you all think I am mad - and stuck this out for far too long. Even typing this I am shaking my head. If one of my friends came to me with this - I know what I would say. I never told my friends we got back together after he cheated - so i have not been able to tell anyone what has happend, because I know what they will say. Even my family, I dont tell because I am ashamed and I dont want them to worry (they live abroad).

I know, deep down, this is not a good man, or the man for me. I know this. I know that even if he came here now, and was sorry, however much I'd want to forgive him, I will never trust him again. I know that when there will be problems in our relationship he will just look for another girl or cheat. It has knocked me down that this girl has contacted me, and that he has been telling her I have been contacting him, or she saw the long email, I dont know.
Part of me now, I just want to make trouble for him. Part of me is telling me that what goes around comes around. I am angry. then I sit and cry and tell myself maybe if I wasn't always on at him maybe we would have been ok, and he wouldnt have cheated. what makes it harder is that all the time since Feb when I last saw him, he would send me messages saying he missed me, that he knew he wouldnt find someone like me. I just dont know anymore what to think. I am selfishly taking some comfort, in knowing that he has already split with this girl twice, and that maybe now even with me out of the way, they will still have problems.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just wanted to share the events of the last few days with someone. make to have some words of comfort, even though I am to blame for putting myself in this situation. I know that girl is only doing what I would have done, and I know that he has lied to us both about each other. Blaming me for contacting him and telling me that she isn't his girlfriend when she is emailing from his email account in his flat. Part of me even wants to beleive him.

Thank you for listening.

[smackie9]

OK so you got me at "I met an iranian guy online". Right away if I were in your shoes I would have said No frickin way. Are you that hard up for a man? So all along you knew this guy was bad for you....so what were you thinking? You need to step away from these events and take a good hard look at yourself. Ask yourself "why do I insist on dating guys like that. Why can't I be pickier instead at jumping at the first one that gives me attention?" "Why don't I just be single and not spend my time trolling for a guy to be with?" You know there are a lot better things to do with your life that searching for a man on the net. Get some new interests or take up a hobby, take dancing lessons with a friend, go to the gym, join a book club, do charity work....do something meaningful. The more you do for yourself the more substance as a person you will have. The more substance you have the better the man you will meet. You are weak and vulnerable, and douche bags seek out and manipulate women like you. The only way to stop this pattern is to stop dating guys like him. At the first sign of badness, get the hell away from them. Be more vigilant in who you date. Use a expectation check list, and don't compromise or you will find yourself burned again.

Part of you wants to believe him is because you are weak....you have to stop being this way. Learn to listen to your gut instinct. Like I always say if it doesn't feel right it's not!

[weathergirl]

This is the only man I have met online, and I dont spend my time looking for men online. It was something I did 3 years ago, because I thought maybe it would work out.
Your words were what I needed to hear, and you are right. It was a hard lesson for me, because the time to have got out was the first time he cheated. All I did ultimately, was set myself up for the same again, and I am paying the price now.
I should trust my instinct more, because I have seen that I am right. I just dont understand why this guy was not honest, instead of just stringing me along. I always said the truth is the kindest, and sometimes looking for answers just confirms what you knew all along, and it's harder and more hurtful to accept like that, than being told.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

[smackie9]

When you treat them like a king, and keep forgiving them for their bad behavior, they keep taking advantage of you because they know they will get away with it.

***You get more respect by putting yourself first rather than doing everything possible to please them.

You are welcome. I wish you the best of luck.

[weathergirl]

It's been four weeks now since this happend. I've been NC for four weeks. I'm better than what I was, but I'm not through it. I have questions, lots of questions. I want to know why he couldn't just tell me the truth. I was not someone he met 3 weeks before. We were together 3 years, surely I deserved to know. Many times I have got so near to calling him, even though I know I won't get the answers I want, and I tell myself not to make that call, and I don't. Nothing good will come from picking up that phone or texting him. I just want answers. Maybe I have to accept I will never get them. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am hurt, sometimes I am really angry and want to make trouble for him. Then I tell myself the greatest thing I can do is walk away. You hurt me Ali - I did my best for you, and you treated me like an idiot and I was an idiot for a long time. You are a liar and you will never change. I would never have denied you happiness, never, and I still wouldn't, that's the difference between you and me.

[smackie9]

Your answer is that he is just a selfish person that has no regard for anyone but himself. There are people that live like that because that is how they have dealt with people all their life and don't know anything else. Behavior like this is usually learned at a very young age....lying is safety mechanism to protect themselves....to get them out of trouble, but we all know what happens is the opposite. Stay strong and quickly put this behind you.

[Mr Soft]

I've only scan read this story because it's so long, I guess it felt good to write it all down though.

Sounds like this guy is a player and you're being played. Don't give him the opportunity to do it again, some guys treat women like trophies, the more they get the more they want.

I know it's not easy but move on, find a nicer guy, there's loads of them out there.

[cheekxs]

girl is this a topic or a book? woww so long!there was no end to it. and he keep cming to u cause u was only 1 that put up with his shit and took him back!its a mess!and iran is mostly moslim.so at the end they will mary with one of own kind.and most r married!you wasted to much time. leave it and move on!

[weathergirl]

I know it's long but I wanted to get it all down from start to finish. Yes you are all right, I did waste too much time. I was a fool. Thanks for your comments in any case. I just wanted someone else to hear me out which you all did. Communication with this guy was not easy, when the shit used to hit the fan he would hide away behind his phone and text me answers when he felt like it. Something I won't tolerate again from any man. So thank you for reading anyway.

[smackie9]

The hard knocks of life are there to help us learn and grow wiser. The upside is that you have this knowledge to help you out next time.....best of luck.