Very Complicated Situation

[whitedragon20na]

It's been a long, LONG time since I've posted here.

I actually started a thread pertaining to the person I'm going to be talking about here: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/36444-Making-the-Right-Decision[/url]


Now, there's something I need to clear out of the way, first and foremost (you'll have to read the OP of the thread I linked to above); the person known as "Monica" mentioned in that thread isn't a real person, well, in a sense to Tiffany anyway. It was me pretending to be someone else, and that's actually how I met Tiffany, in a chat room just screwing around. Now, Monica is a real person and someone I used to know, which is why I ended up using her name, etc.

I would also like to clarify that this isn't something I typically do, and haven't for several years. I'm very antisocial and when I would get bored, that's what I would do, not for anything sexual or the like, just messing around in the chat because I was bored.

Anyway, soon after I met Tiffany, I actually got attached to her and really got to know her, even though it wasn't me she really knew. Approximately four months after I first met her under this guise, I 'introduced' her to me and from then on I was talking to her as myself and under the guise. This went on for four and a half years. I went and visited her and took her to her senior prom in 2008 and she came out to visit "Monica" in 2009, but she 'took off' and Tiffany stayed with me for the five days she was out here.

Several times throughout I tried to stop talking to her under the guise and get her to forget about "Monica" but it became impossible because she fell in love with her and I, under the guise, became her best friend. I tried multiple times to just phase "Monica" out but it never worked.

Her actual relationship with me became strained over the years. In the beginning she and I were really close, then after I went and visited her we started drifting apart, we got into a lot of fights the last couple years we were friends and rarely talked. However, under the guise I talked to her every day and that relationship was actually good, at least on the surface obviously.

I eventually confessed everything to her back in January, when "Monica" was supposed to go out and visit her. I just said whatever she wanted near the end to try and extend the time I had with her as much as possible. After I confessed, she was, obviously, incredibly pissed at me and hurt so much. Her and I haven't spoken other than a few emails since then regarding her getting her stuff back that she sent "Monica" and her continually saying that I was just using her to get things from her. (She had made several 'private' videos and taken many, many 'private' photos for "Monica" in those 4 1/2 years)

Now before everyone gets on my case for what I did, I know very well how awful what I did was. I know full well that I should've used my better judgment and stopped it a long time ago, instead I let my feelings for her get in the way and didn't want to let her go. I also know I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but I can't go back and fix that, or I would.

I honestly care about her and I still love her to death. The part of this whole thing that hurts me the most is knowing how much I hurt her. It kills me to know how much she's been hurt by me and how much pain I've put her through. I honestly would go back and take it all back just so she wouldn't have had to go through all this, even if it meant that I never got to know her.

While I do, or well, did, hope that she would forgive me one day and we could be friends again, I seriously doubt that'll happen, for multiple reasons.


Anyway, on to why I'm posting here in the first place. It's been six months since we parted ways, we haven't actually conversed (through email only about her getting her stuff back) since April. There's a situation where I had all my computers and hard drives seized back in November because my brother said I was doing illegal things on the computer, and with all the data I have, they're still combing over it all. Well, everything I had from Tiffany is on there, the photos, videos and chat records. Well when the detective contacted me the other day to update me on the case, he told me not to contact Tiffany and to bring the stuff I need to send back to her down to the police station.

So due to that, I've had to settle on the hard realization that our relationship is officially over, even though it really probably was on that day back in January, but I didn't want to accept it because she had replied to my emails up until a few weeks ago when the detective first contacted me about information on my case and said he needed to talk to me about something else, I asked if it was about Tiffany, he said he couldn't say. I sent her a couple emails in between then and when he got back to me the other day telling me not to contact her at all, so now I know why I never got a reply.


So now I'm just wondering how to deal with this all. It's killing me and I keep telling myself that she's gone, that there was never a chance anyway, that we'd never be more than friends anyway, it's still hurting. I don't know what to do in order to let her go. The only other time I've had to deal with this, after six months I had pretty much let go and moved on, and I was actually in a relationship with that girl. Of course, I'd only known her for a year and with Tiffany I'd known her for 4 1/2 years, and the fact that I'm closing in on 30 is making it worse on me. I just really don't know what to do at this point to stop myself from breaking down constantly.


Please don't lecture me on what I did to her, I know what I did was horribly wrong and I suffer every day because of what I did.

[searock]

Dude, you need professional help. Don't ever contact Tiffany again, unless you want to risk serious trouble with the police.

[whitedragon20na]

I'd like to point out that I'm fully aware of how much I hurt someone I care so much about. I've gone over it so many times in my head and it's better for everyone, especially for her that I just leave her alone. Just looking back on everything that went on, she's much better off without me anywhere in her life.

That's not what I wanted advice on. I just wanted help on how to accept that she's gone and move past it, since it's been six months and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing.

I wrote some things down tonight, and this is one part of a page, "Looking back on it, I don't deserve her at all. I took advantage of her and used the way she felt about "Monica" to get things from her. I abused that power and asked her to do things she'd never do otherwise. I hurt her more than I could ever imagine. I don't deserve her forgiveness now, or anytime soon. I may never truly deserve her forgiveness after what I've done."

So to the individual that replied first, I'm not worried about getting into any trouble with the police over what happened. The only thing I care about at this point is her well being and the fact that she's better off without me, so I won't be getting into contact with her again any time soon, if ever again. All I'm asking is advice on how to accept it internally instead of falling apart every time something reminds me of her, or just plain pushing back those memories that creep up so often.

[smackie9]

You hid your identity because you fear rejection. I guess not realizing the repercussions of lying, you ended up being rejected anyways. You need to love yourself, be more open and trust others. It's time to step out of that dark room into the light and feel the sun on your face. If you actually felt good about yourself as a person you wouldn't be in this situation. It's time to make changes in your life....make positive ones. Get involved in doing charity work, take time out with family, join a club, take up a hobby, or just get active with something that gets you connected with others. I know you are dark place, maybe some self loathing but you need to do this for yourself. Keeping a journal is a good start, maybe you can write some poetry and do some drawing. Getting your feelings out on paper can help you release some of that negative energy and pain. Just take it one day at a time.

[searock]

That's not what I wanted advice on. I just wanted help on how to accept that she's gone and move past it, since it's been six months and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing.

I gave you that advice: get professional help. Keeping a journal is a good start as smackie said, but I'm pretty sure you need more than that.

[whitedragon20na]

@ smackie: You're absolutely right about the identity thing, unfortunately I've always been that way. I've always felt negative about myself, unfortunately. Being a person who isolates myself from most everything doesn't help. I put up walls, I rarely let people in, and because of past experiences it's become near impossible for me to let those walls down. With Tiffany, I did, though that may be because I really know her a few months before she actually knew me. Though she was always good to me even when I was a jackass to her.

To add to the end of that, I'm actually a graphic designer/artist and drawing is something I do frequently, though not as much as I used to. I should probably do that more now. I don't have a good family structure at all, two of my family members that I was closest with passed away within two months of each other back in 2010. My hobbies, also, unfortunately allow me to remain isolated. I don't like social situations, I don't like being around people I don't know, and I absolutely hate meeting new people in general. All that goes into the psychological issues I have as mentioned below.

@ searock: I'm fully aware of what sort of help I honestly need. I suffer from bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder, and recently I've become aware that I very well may suffer from borderline personality disorder, which scares the crap out of me. I have a terrible time trying to control my emotions, my actions, realizing how I treat people until it's too late, correcting mistakes I've made in the past and not letting my better judgment override my emotions. Right now I'm in a very rough situation where we're just scraping to make it by, I'm unemployed and finding work is hell. We're quite poor and I cannot afford any sort of help at the moment, I even have health problems that need taking care of that I can't afford (a cyst in my ear and a messed up knee).

[smackie9]

Find yourself a cheap digital camera and go out taking pictures. You can even do this a night without a lot of people around (in a safe area of course). At least that will get you out of the house. Maybe you can express yourself in your art (or with the photography) and combine it with quotes from your journal explaining how you feel with having these disorders.....then place it in a blog. I figure you could make it into a project to keep you busy.

[Cerby]

This is possibly one of the most screwed up things I have ever read on this forum.

If I were you OP, I'd be more concerned over why the police have asked you never to contact her again...They can't really do that unless something bigger is afoot. Reading through what you said over years and years, it is very possible they're seeing a potential internet predator here, and have contacted her as well. But I guess that is for you to sort out as it comes up. If they've kept your computers this long then they have found whatever it was you were doing that was illegal.

As for getting over her, you do it the same way everyone else does - find things to keep your mind busy until enough time has passed that you're ready to move on.

[whitedragon20na]

@ Cerby: They simply could've said that to me because she was contacted by them (there's a lot of stuff on the computer pertaining to her, along with the photos and videos) and she asked them to tell me to never speak to her.

As far as the length of time it's taken, I have terabytes of information to go through. Thousands of disks, something like 200 hard drives that were stacked together, and the main two computers with the external drives I had. They still have my mother's computer as well, and there's absolutely nothing on there.

To being called an 'internet predator', I've met her in person twice and I never did anything to hurt her (outside of this whole ordeal how we first started talking).

I cannot speak about what they're looking for due to it being an ongoing investigation. My brother made allegations towards me while he was in jail because he got arrested for going out, breaking into cars and stealing things. He blamed me for him getting arrested. For example, I made money doing freelance graphics work, and he constantly claimed that I was making the money through illegal means.

I just wanted to clear that all up before I start getting called a psychopath or something worse.

[smackie9]

Sorry but the red flags go up when we hear "under investigation" so you can't blame him. These days it's so easy to be accused of being a predator or child molester I agree. To be falsely accused is an awful thing to have to deal with.

[whitedragon20na]

Well I found out today that the charges aren't real bad. They revolve around my presenting myself as someone else who's a real person and obtaining personal/private materials from Tiffany under false pretenses. That's also why I was informed not to contact her and give them all the belongings of her's that she wanted back instead of sending them back myself.

So anyway, back to the actual issue I'm having.

Here after I was first informed not to contact her, I've been having a really rough time. For the six months prior to that, after her and I had stopped speaking, I wasn't really taking it too hard other than about the first 2-4 weeks after it happened. Now all of a sudden I just plain can't stop thinking about her. Everything I see, everything I hear, everything I do reminds me of her in some way. Every time I watch a movie, I think whether or not her and I watched it together, and also if I had first seen the movie before or after I met her. I keep thinking of everything in terms of "was this before I met her, after I met her or after we stopped talking?" and it's causing much unneeded stress.

I keep telling myself that she's gone, that she's much better off and that she certainly deserves better. However, none of that is really helping. In short, I'm really having a difficult time accepting that she's gone.

[Oh Really :}]

Take a good long look at that sig you got there.

"Life is what you make it" > So why do you choose misery instead of choosing happiness by moving on.

"watch your Karma and you will be happy in life" Id say your Karma has to be taking a few big hits with this un called for obsessive behavior. Fix your Karma, let her be happy and your karma will see you right again.

"Always trust your heart and let God guide you as he will never lead you astray."

Not that im religious in any way, but im pretty sure if it was meant to be then your God would have made it so. If i were religious, i very much doubt that such a "god" would want to see his children in pain like this. So im certain its not God leading you this way you are going right now. Break it up, let it go, its for the best....Your Quote in many ways says so

[smackie9]

I know you so wish to have someone in your life, and love you, but you have to stop this self loathing and love yourself first. Like I told you before get back on track and do those things that you used to enjoy doing like your art, and keep yourself busy. Maybe you can find a small support group on line where you can talk to others like yourself. I still say you need to slowly adjust to getting yourself out there and finding some way to be around others to break this loneliness. Join a church or volunteer at a mission and serve food....do something that will give you some self satisfaction and self worth. When you build up some confidence in yourself you won't need to hide behind someone else ID.

Please keep posting, maybe we can come up with some more suggestions for you, and of course tell us if you have made any progress, whether it big or small. peace.

[Cerby]

This is possibly one of the most screwed up things I have ever read on this forum.

If I were you OP, I'd be more concerned over why the police have asked you never to contact her again...They can't really do that unless something bigger is afoot. Reading through what you said over years and years, it is very possible they're seeing a potential internet predator here, and have contacted her as well. But I guess that is for you to sort out as it comes up. If they've kept your computers this long then they have found whatever it was you were doing that was illegal.

As for getting over her, you do it the same way everyone else does - find things to keep your mind busy until enough time has passed that you're ready to move on.

Well I found out today that the charges aren't real bad. They revolve around my presenting myself as someone else who's a real person and obtaining personal/private materials from Tiffany under false pretenses.

Internet predator, nailed it!

As for helping the thread. OP, you need to get over it, I see you're still struggling with that, but there is nothing to cling onto, nothing to hope for, and contacting her could result in further legal action against you. Time to get over this, take the hit for it, and move on. Difficult or not, there is nothing to grasp here. She sees you as a complete scumbag who lied to her for years, you can't get out of that hole.

[whitedragon20na]

@ Oh: That really helped me a lot, thank you. Little did I know all I had to do was look into my OWN quote in my signature.

@ smackie: Thank you for the support. I started doing my graphics stuff again, and that has helped a bit. What actually has helped the most over the past few days is taking time to rationally tell myself the reality of the situation. Use this hugely negative situation and turn it into a positive to change my life for the better instead of slowly letting it waste away. I'm also in the process of trying to find some psychological counseling for my issues, which I know should help me a lot.

@ Cerby: Thanks for judging me, that's a really good thing to do to someone, kick them while they're down. I've had lengthy conversations with both detectives on the case and neither of them see it that way. This was an isolated incident, never done it before, and definitely not going to do it again. I've made mistakes, I've done things I absolutely shouldn't have and the legal problems I have no problem taking responsibility for. I also have zero intention of contacting her, as I haven't since I was told not to, so that was never an issue.

The thing that upsets me the most is to finally realize how much I hurt her, seeing the things she told the detectives about me and seeing how it truly effected her. My regret is that I can't go back and fix it to where she never had to go through all the pain I caused her. I've thought about it over and over, like in the movie The Butterfly Effect where he goes back and removes her from his life in order to save her, he still has all the memories of her, but he went back and fixed it so she wouldn't have to go through everything that was so bad. That's what I wish I could do, because it wouldn't change my memories and it wouldn't take away my pain, but it would take away her's, and that's all I care about regarding this situation.