Divorce process.. much harder than I expect (for a man)

[mynameisneo]

Where to begin... and how to keep it short and 'honest'?

I'll try:

I met my wife when she was 17 and I was 21. We married 4 years later and have been married for six years. Four months ago she asked for a separation which turned permanent and now divorce process.. lawyers etc.. and it's been an extremely difficult emotional time for me, while a great liberating time for her :/. Lawyer/finances is fine so far.. there's not much stuff to argue about. Mediation process would have been cheaper and smarter but she preferred lawyers... but I digress.

The crux? I think it's that she feels like she was married too young and since almost day one.. she regretted the freedom she felt she would have had had she not married young. She cheated about 1 year into the marriage, really wanting out but I kept her in.. Then 2 years later she did again with a different person. Maybe there were others, those two I know about.. What hurts the most is that when she left, she left to the guy that she cheated last with. I worked so hard to 'forgive' her for it and this is how it ended.

I didn't cheat, though I did make efforts to after the 2nd time because of the hurt/anger. I didn't though, and I never but went out or kissed anyone.. just flirting with disaster so to speak. It was wrong.

I have no complaints of her as a person and as a wife other than the cheating. She's smart, amazingly beautiful, hard working, talented and will go very far in life. I'm realizing how much more I loved her. She had a number for me.. I wish I would have taken those more seriously.


It's been 4 months. Why is the grief process taking so long?

[IndiReloaded]

Okay you are 31 and she 27? Sadly, its not uncommon for people who marry young to grow out of each other. I assume there are no children? If so, count your blessings you (collective you) aren't destroying a family.

May I say tho, that for a husband who claims he loves his wife, you sound terribly passive about the whole situation. And what is your comment about 'a number for me'. What does that even mean?

Its going to take you much longer than a few months to recover from a decade long marriage. Are you sure this is what you want? Couples recover from cheating but it will require you to change your attitude significantly. Stop being a doormat. Its not about forgiveness, its about respect.

I was recommended a book called 'Love Must Be Tough' for dealing with a toxic relationship and its excellent. I post here an excerpt and highly recommend it. Good luck with things. Post here more if it helps.

files.tyndale.com/thpdata/FirstChapters/978-1-4143-1745-8.pdf

[mynameisneo]

Thanks for the reply and link to Dr Dobson's book.

By "a number for me" I mean complaints.

I'm not wanting to sound passive, it's just hard to put the pain into words.. I'm trying to rationalize it and become numb toit I suppose.

But the pain is there. It's hard for me to explaiN it..

Thanks for your reply and input.

[haxan]

You have to focus on the positive. No children, fresh start, you're still young. It's a terribly tough thing to go through, but there is a better life on the other side of the rainbow.

~Nothing~ is worse than being with someone who doesn't love you or want to be with you. That person has removed themselves from your life, it's a blessing. Imagine being cheated on and lied to for the rest of your life (I've seen it done - it happens).

Plan YOUR future, that's an exciting thing. The past grows more distant with each day.

[mynameisneo]

You have to focus on the positive. No children, fresh start, you're still young. It's a terribly tough thing to go through, but there is a better life on the other side of the rainbow.

~Nothing~ is worse than being with someone who doesn't love you or want to be with you. That person has removed themselves from your life, it's a blessing. Imagine being cheated on and lied to for the rest of your life (I've seen it done - it happens).

Plan YOUR future, that's an exciting thing. The past grows more distant with each day.

Thank you.

[cheekxs]

she had a number for u? what you mean?

and its hard but after all be happy that you can heal and not be in a fantasy that keeps with someone that dont like you.

[steviej]

You need to see it for what it was, a very one sided relationship with her feeling trapped and wanting out and you desperately trying to hold on to her and being put through a lot of hurt and anguish by her behaviour.
You need to feel a sense of relief as much as she does! No longer do you have to worry where she is, what she's doing, who she's doing it with. Go rediscover your own life, connect up with friends who you've neglected, get some new hobbies and enjoy your freedom!

[oldskool83]

i got divorced at 23. married young didnt last, shit happens fic what you need dont fight over shit end it soon as possible move on. sooner you accept you cant fix it sooner you will heal. im turning 29 and it does not faze me one bit im divorced lol.

[TheClarityCoach]

mynameisneo-

The end of a relationship is very difficult, it sounds as if you are very sad.

We can't control other people's feeling, and unfortunately you can't love enough for 2 people.

Give yourself a little more time to be sad, but then set a date and start to change your environment to reflect this new period in your life. Box up photos and get rid of anything that reminds you of your
married life.
If you are still in the same home that you shared- get new sheets, move the furniture- do something that reflects you- not the married you.

Design all of your environments- your work your home, (every room), your car etc to reflect who you are and who you want to be, NOT who you were. IF you want to be in a happy healthy relationship, then you are going to have to do some work to figure out what happened in the marriage- and yes you can do it on your own.
It takes 2 hands to clap so when you are ready to be reflective you can figure out what your part was in it- what happened and learn
how to make sure you don't fall into the same traps.. because you, my friend, are the one that will be with you in the next relationship.

But your places, where your are, have to reflect back to you the relationships you want to have, not the one you had that didn't work.
Be clear with yourself about what you want, make the choices that will get you there.

It will be hard and you will fall back into a default position every once in a while, but an important thing to remember is when you sit with regret, anger or resentment you are allowing someone else to be in control of whats happening with you- and they don't know, they don't care, and its not their responsibility.

Design your environments to work for you- surround yourself with people who pull you up, not bring you down- you will be looking back on this as a blip in your screen...

Diane