Affection/Physical Problems? I need genuine advice....

[cappy]

Well, I guess I should start off saying this is sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really a long story, I just genuinely don't know what to make of this. There comes a time when there are just certain things you don't want to go to your family about, because the last thing they want to hear is that you're having "problems" in your relationship. At least in my situation.

I'm very new to the whole dating game. I'm 22 and in my first-ever relationship. My boyfriend is 29, and I'm his second "serious" relationship. We've been dating for almost 7 months, and have known each other for over a year now. We met on an online dating site and kind of hit it off right away. I have now moved over 1200 miles to be with him (we now live together), left my family behind, and decided it was best to be with him rather than stay apart. We have been living together for a little over 2 months.

It's one of those situations where he is a different person than I thought in a lot of ways. The main way is in AFFECTION/PHYSICAL CONTACT.

I went to meet my -now- boyfriend a few times before I moved in, and every day he was very affectionate/physical and all over me, but now that I've moved in, it's very sporadic. We have 3-4 day lulls where he will barely even kiss me. I know that seems like not that long to have "lulls", but I've heard it takes like... 6 months of living together/being around each other before passion begins to fade. It's the major difference between us: I'm really affectionate, and apparently he is not. I like physical contact, and since I've moved in, he's told me he does not like a lot of physical contact. It was news to me, because like I said before, when I went to visit him it was constant "can't-keep-my-hands-off-you" affection with him.

I'll say up front that I am a virgin, and so is he... I really want to make love to him, but he tells me "Not today" or "I'm just not ready". I didn't even know guys who were the ones who were not ready for sex even really existed (joking). We tried once (about 9 months ago), but it sort of flopped, and now his ego is severely bruised. I try to tell him everything is going to be okay, because when we tried I was really nervous. But I'm at the point where NOW I'm really starting to want it. Especially when we actually are physical, it's very heated and great... It just makes me want it all the more. What's most frustrating is that now that I've voiced that I really want to make love, he thinks I'm all about the physical. I think if it was all about the physical I wouldn't have moved all this way just for sex.

How can I not want to make love when I have... well, a fairly high sex drive, being a virgin, and the guy I love next to me in bed every night? I try the whole lingerie, sexy clothes, seduction thing, but it never works. More times than not he laughs at me and thinks I'm silly. It crushes my spirit after awhile...

So I guess I just really need advice on how I can to deal with this. Has anyone been in the same situation? I've already decided that I want to stick it out with him. I'm in it for the long haul; I want to marry this man. I just know sex/physicality is a major part of almost any relationship. Any tips or advice? Should I really just keep waiting for something that may never even happen?

Thanks so much in advance guys!

[searock]

Sounds like he was so hurt an embarrassed the first time you tried and failed, that now to spare further pain he avoids the situation altogether.

In any case, you need to have a talk with him. Ask him why he doesn't want to have sex, and don't drop the subject until he has given you the true answer. If you don't communicate, you won't get anywhere.

[Steelers<3]

Can I ask why you both are virgins? Why did he never have sex with his first serious relationship? And, what happened that crushed him so bad the first time you tried to have sex?

[searock]

So he is a virgin too?? I had missed that part... This makes his anxiety and embarrassment tons worse... you definitely need to have an open, calm, adult talk about this.

[cheekxs]

I THINK U ARE naive and "stupid".

caUse u barely know the guy and u even go to live with him?

hahahahhaha, how old are you? realy?

you dont kow him well, so if he have a problem he will not tell you cause you did not take time to build a certain trust.

so deal with it!

[Angellic]

This problem is going to take a lot of honest communication to sort out. He's clearly terrified everything will go wrong again if he tries to have sex with you and is pushing you away to avoid anything happening. But the more he pushes you away, the more upset you are. You need to sit down and talk about it. He might not want to (in fact I bet he'd rather pull his toe nails off with pliers than discuss it), but unless you talk it through, you are stuck in this stalemate situation. Perhaps taking penetration out of the game might help - if that was where the problem first began. Just start off with gentle touching etc with no pressure on either of you to do anything more and gradually build up to oral or similar. It really depends on how badly you want the relationship to work.

[Boisdevie]

The guy is a 29 year old virgin who's not interested in sex. What is she expected to do? Clearly the guy has big problems because most 29 year old guys can't stop thinking about sex. I'd dump him and find someone who'll give you the sex life you think you might like.

[cornista]

Pheromones builds up your confidence level and gives you the power to approach a girl without any hesitation.

[vashti]

The guy is a 29 year old virgin who's not interested in sex. What is she expected to do? Clearly the guy has big problems because most 29 year old guys can't stop thinking about sex. I'd dump him and find someone who'll give you the sex life you think you might like.

I agree with this. If he hasn't had sex with you by now, you aren't EVER going to enjoy normal sexual activities with him.

I know it may seem hard to tell your family about what is really going on with you, but if you were my daughter, all you would have to say in order for me to fully understand is that you are still a virgin, and not by choice, and I would welcome you home.

[TheCafeTerrace]

He might have a very low libido, maybe even asexual. You may just have to deal with that. There are a few things you can try - take a bath together, maybe ask him if he likes porn/what porn he likes and watch it together, just sit naked holding and stroking each other, play forplay games (google 'erotic monopoly', it's a great one, and it's rules are easy to customise to what you feel comfortable with). He probably feels intimidated by the expectation that he has to 'get up and perform', try to find ways of taking that out of the equation and work your way towards full-blown shagging... Alternatively crush an ecstacy pill and a viagra into his food.

[vashti]

He might have a very low libido, maybe even asexual. You may just have to deal with that. There are a few things you can try - take a bath together, maybe ask him if he likes porn/what porn he likes and watch it together, just sit naked holding and stroking each other, play forplay games (google 'erotic monopoly', it's a great one, and it's rules are easy to customise to what you feel comfortable with). He probably feels intimidated by the expectation that he has to 'get up and perform', try to find ways of taking that out of the equation and work your way towards full-blown shagging... Alternatively crush an ecstacy pill and a viagra into his food.

All of that is too much work. No one wants to think they need manipulate to this extent to get a man to want them. And no, she doesn't have to deal with it (though she may choose to).

[Boisdevie]

At 29 he should be shagging her brains out. He is quite clearly a waste of good DNA.

[TheCafeTerrace]

All of that is too much work. No one wants to think they need manipulate to this extent to get a man to want them. And no, she doesn't have to deal with it (though she may choose to).

By "deal with it" I meant either break up or get over the fact you'll not have the greatest sex life in the world. Being genuinely asexual is pretty uncommon, but not unheard of.