Ex troubles! Need help understanding!

[SecretMe]

Hiya, My ex and me seperated 10 months ago, i was pregnant at the time and after he moved out we still had an intimate relationship (bad i know) i was really pretty cut up and if it was the only way i could have him i was going to take it, we fell out a few times during my pregnancy, one time he refused to come any see our eldest child unless i spoke to him (for what reason i'm not sure?) anyway since then i have had our second child and when he was 6 weeks old his Dad stopped coming to see them both after we had an argument in which he shouted "you've made it more than obvious your only the mother of my kids" (someone explain why he said that please?) since then he has done nothing but bad mouth me to everyone and i've done nothing to him? somebody please explain whats going through his head and incase your wondering why i'm not going on about the children not seeing him its because at present thats getting sorted

[cheekxs]

One part of the problem is your own fault!

I will skipp one part of it.
One thing you shore did wrond was break up and keep the sex going!

Cause i think he thinks you are like that now. Like you will keep break up up and keep the sex part.


And i think you both are wrong for making your bullshit priority!
While the kids have noting to do with it.

He is a stupid person and immature!
I dont think he cares about the kids. cause seeing the kids most be his first priority.
Instead of him worrying about you talking to him.

You spent to much time on bullshit!
What do you care about what he is telling people?
Is it not the kids and that they ave food and stuff and you providing for them your priority?

If he keep doing bullshit , take him to court and let them make the rules for him to pay child support and
do his part. And let him watch his kids with help of a social worker! if he cant do it in a adult way!

AND NEVER EVER DO that again! When you break up , dont mess anymore with the person!
You really need to act and be like a single mom right now.
Otherwise he will keep come back and would not take you serious like he is doing now!

[cheekxs]

And its not healthy for the kids eater.,, to see fight everyday. and a 'men" coming in and out sex their mom
but never take responsibility.

What kind of massage do you send to your kids? And what kind of partner do you want them to choose
by seeing that example?

When they grow up, many things they saw at home(grow up with) you doing will help them make their choices.

[SecretMe]

right ok, calm down!
'And its not healthy for the kids eater.,, to see fight everyday. and a 'men" coming in and out sex their mom
but never take responsibility. ' - we don't argue infront of the kids! and i don't have 'men' coming in and out, it was there Dad!

'Is it not the kids and that they ave food and stuff and you providing for them your priority?' - I spend every living moment looking after my children and ever single penny i have goes on them!

and also, clearly i stated that the kids not seeing him anymore was being sorted, therefore i wasn't looking for your advice on how to look after and whats best for my children. we never touched eachother infront of the kids either and i already know we shouldn't of continued the way we did.. i was looking for advice as to why he he treats me like he does!

[seren]

I'm 10 months into a seperation, myself, hun. He left when our son was 1yr old. He moved on to someone else within 2 months and then literally moved in with her in the blink of an eye after that. We've only just stopped being intimate with each other [it was all I could have from him and I weakly gave in every because I missed him so much etc] Anyway, I have the same questions as you because my H gets angry around me and talks bs.. I can never work out why or what he's really trying to say. He won't let me go but doesn't want me - basically if you ask me, he's petrified of letting me go completely because that will mean 'he's out there on his own' regardless of the new girlfriend. 17yrs with me and a son through IVF.. a whole life left behind.. it's a lot to give up.

I begged, pleaded, explained, blamed myself, cried to him.. all the weak pathetic things you can think of and all he can ever say is 'I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I didn't think you loved me anymore, I'm confused...' and so on. Well after lots of support on another forum, the last 3 weeks have seen me not txt/email him for nonsense reasons anymore 'just to speak to him'.. I've asked him NOT to contact me unless it is 'specifically' about our son.. I've said 'no' to having sex with him.. I've started looking as good as I can when I know I'm going to see him [because I was a sad, depressed mess before and lost all of my self esteem] and I've maintained a strict routine where him seeing our son is concerned. I've told him if he doesn't divorce me, I will start the proceedings. Truth is, I love him more than life and I want him to come home. His son worhsips him, too. He's had me on a plate for months so he hasn't 'really lost' anything. I'm hoping my 'new actions' may spur him into realising that he really IS about to lose his family permanently - and if I really do have to go through the divorce, I will now. I'm hoping he comes back while at the same time preparing myself for it to never happen. And since I've set up some boundaries and actually stuck to them, I find he txts me randomly here and there to ask how I am or to ask if I need anything etc. I don't reply because I told him I wouldn't anymore and I'm finally starting to stick to it.

I've waffled a bit.. The main point is you still illicit feelings from him [it might be anger and so not nice for you to deal with - and you should rightly tell him so! -but it's still an emotional response nonetheless. He's probably a mess, himself inside] He probably wants you to chase him, to massage his ego, to put yourself back on that plate where he can come have sex with you whenever he feels like. He wants you to be as much of a mess as him. Don't do it, hun.. trust me, it doesn't work and it makes you feel worse/weaker/in less control. Your children are unfortuately a part of it and inevitably will see and hear things that they really shouldn't, but [I don't need to tell you, being a mother yourself] just try to limit that as much as possible. It really all is about power and control, sadly. Don't give it to him, don't respond to his anger and stay calm, don't ask him why he's doing what he is.. ignore him, smile, be pleasant. But be honest with him, too. You can tell him you still love him and want him back without being as pathetic as I've been. Keep as much of the control as you can, be understanding, don't [openly] judge and give him his space to be angry away from you and the children. Don't be afraid to tell him to sling his hook, either. Hope this helps a little. I'm still in cuckoo land myself having little idea why my H left me, but tells me he still loves me and is confused.. while living with his scrubber just 2 streets away. Men really are the strangest creatures. Good luck, hun Xx

[lazulikey]

Hey,

I read your post and not really clear on what exactly is the problem because of too little information. But I gather that it could be that you are in a 'toxic relationship.' Again, I'm only guessing because of insufficient information here. Toxic relationship is one where you worry if it is the right time to talk to your partner or whether you have the right to express your opinion. In short, they are relationships that are abusive in an emotional way. Hopefully it is not physical as well.

If he is emotionally abusive and also capable of being physically abusive, then you should take immediate steps to minimize your interaction with him.

Lazulikey of Precious-Relationships.