My cheating ex is getting married and wants my kids along

[Arithmeticness]

The man Greg was a dirty dog and the devil in disguise, he destroyed my heart and turned my world upside down. He cheated several times (including while I was pregnant with his first born, who is now 4) with purpose, planned out and paid for while I paid the bills and picked up his slack because he was "broke" -- whores are expensive here. And he got engaged only 4 months after moving out of my home, invited my best friend to his wedding which is in a month -- August, and my ex husband (who I have 2 older girls with -- 11 and 14) is his "best man" . I gave him a beautiful daughter who he pays nothing towards except for half the day care bill, and 4 good years of my life, and a home to live in for only $400 a month. As far as I'm concerned, he's lucky I don't contact his fiancee with the dirt on what he's really capable of, who he is inside.

Anyway, not only is my ex husband his best man (I introduced Greg to my ex husband, and we were all friends and hung out together before Greg and I split) but my daughters are talking about going to the wedding. My oldest daughter was busted chatting on fb to Greg's fiancees daughter about booze and pot and there is no way I want my kids going to his wedding even without that information about rebellious unsupervised behavior. But I'm sure my ex huband will be promoting bringing the girls along as the two exes seem to like to have my girls along which always results in reporting back to me about wedding plans, etc, and it has felt for a long time like rubbing it in my face, as there has only been 2 times in the last year since we split that Greg has included my daughters in his life, and both times were significant "new love" events in GReg's life that they witnessed and told me about.

Advice? Plan an out of town event and we are simply not around for the wedding? Flat out refuse to let my kids go to someone's wedding who pretends to be their caring ex step dad when he has something to gain from it but has nearly nothing to do with them? Give in as it just doens't matter what happens in his life (I really don't want details of his wedding in my face -- bad enough he emailed his engagement photos to my best friend)?

The last thing I need is him calling me names and badmouthing me to everyone around because I "wouldn't let" my girls come to his wedding. Why on earth should that even matter???

[Cerby]

I'm trying to understand this. What reason do you have for your daughters not going? If they're the daughters of the best man (aka your ex husband) then what legal or moral grounds do you have to say they can't go? It seems to me that you're just a little sore about how things ended, and now you want to show that you still have some control in your life, which in this case is your daughters. I could understand the pot/booze concern, but you said yourself you would say no even if you didn't know about it.

So clarify a bit please, why do you actually not want them to go?

[cheekxs]

What the hack are you talking about?

Your ex husband wants your ex husband to be his best man??

How many baby daddy's and ex husbands do you have dammmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! I cant understand youre story so well.,.
I guess you have kids with 2 guys and both are friends?

I think if that the case that was very stupid of you to even date friends and sex both and get pregnant from both!
Thats not cool! Especially not for a woman!

And i think you are bitter about what they did to you. So you are always thinking out of that anger right now.

Maybe you need to take time to heal from it.

And you knew all of that way before. So you could have go to court so they can make him pay child support every month. and not when
he wants to give just some money.
Instead of waiting till he is going to get married to bring that up.
I think its nor healthy for you or the kids. You deserve to be happy, what ever your past relationships was!
And your kids need you. \\\\\\they dont want to see you mad all the time. And who knows they are feeling like
every-time you fight or there is something about their father its their fault.
Cause they dont want to see you guys fight.

Kids understand things differently and they will look at the world at first true the eyes of what they have experience in their childhood.

I dont know, but i think as a woman we go true a lot especially to give birth.
So we have some kind of thing that we want to protect our kids at the best.
Even tho they are kids from their dad to!

So i would think like planning a activity so we would not be in town when the wedding take place.
And so we can be far away from the drama.
But i think , its like you do it for your own benefit. And not really for the kids.
And i think if you hve to do that every time he wants to have the kids you will be exhausted at the
end.

Maybe you need to go to court and make some rules on paper with the judge.

So there will be more structure. Cause the kids suffer silently cause of both of you anger.

And as i look at the whole thing, its more about you guys anger toward each other ,then its about what is best for the kids.

[Arithmeticness]

Thank you both for the replies:

Cerby: my reasons for not wanting them to go is Greg is a jerk and he likes to rub his lovely happiness in my face, which is why it would please him greatly for my kids to be there so they can tell me all about it. And I do not intend to do anything to please that man. Am I still bitter, yes. Who wouldn't be. There is no need for them to go -- these two clowns will be hammered before the reception even starts, and they do not concern themselves with the kids at the best of times much less a wedding. I don't feel there is any reason for my kids to be there. Like I said... if Greg showed care and concern for them in the past year since we split, visiting and taking them out for ice cream or something every now and then it would be different.... it would be like he really wanted to continue having them in his life like his own. But that is so not the case. I saw it with his ex wife's kids too. He never ever pursued any relationship with them even after spending 11 years acting as their "step-dad". It isn't about the kids for him, trust me. Any man who can walk out and decide to remarry after 4 months and has seen my kids twice (both times with his new woman along, as I mentioned) has no real reason to have my kids at his wedding other than to be a dick. Can you see my point?

[Arithmeticness]

Cheekxs:

Thanks for your reply as well...
"I think if that the case that was very stupid of you to even date friends and sex both and get pregnant from both!
Thats not cool! Especially not for a woman!" -- in my original post I said that I introduced the two of them.... they didn't know each other until I was with Greg.

So I didn't "sex" them and get pregnant. I married the first one and had two lovely children. With Greg, yes it was not planned. But we both wanted a child. Just clearly should not have been with each other. Yes I have a lot of anger. Yes you're right, it's not good for the kids. Sometimes I just want to check out. I feel good for nothing and good for no one. And Greg drills that into me still every chance he gets.

[Arithmeticness]

These two clowns are also planning a trip to Sturgis together (in addition to the cost of a wedding, and a new house purchase for Greg and his fiancee) while of course I look after all the kids and Greg cannot afford to chip in half the cost of a $70 education plan for his little one. Ya, life is grand.

[Arithmeticness]

P.S. By Sturgis in case you don't know, in the circles of motorcycle enthusiasts we all know the meaning of it, but I forget that there are people out there who aren't in this giant circle.... Black Hills Motorcycle Rally, in South Dakota. He takes about 8 days when he goes and it costs over $1000 all said and done and that's if you don't spend much.

[HeartIsAching]

Thank you both for the replies:

Cerby: my reasons for not wanting them to go is Greg is a jerk and he likes to rub his lovely happiness in my face, which is why it would please him greatly for my kids to be there so they can tell me all about it. And I do not intend to do anything to please that man. Am I still bitter, yes. Who wouldn't be. There is no need for them to go -- these two clowns will be hammered before the reception even starts, and they do not concern themselves with the kids at the best of times much less a wedding. I don't feel there is any reason for my kids to be there. Like I said... if Greg showed care and concern for them in the past year since we split, visiting and taking them out for ice cream or something every now and then it would be different.... it would be like he really wanted to continue having them in his life like his own. But that is so not the case. I saw it with his ex wife's kids too. He never ever pursued any relationship with them even after spending 11 years acting as their "step-dad". It isn't about the kids for him, trust me. Any man who can walk out and decide to remarry after 4 months and has seen my kids twice (both times with his new woman along, as I mentioned) has no real reason to have my kids at his wedding other than to be a dick. Can you see my point?

That parts that I've bolded are the only relevant ones. Everything else is conjecture and spite.

[misombra]

There isn't much you can do about this. Not letting your kids go will show all those people how upset you are. And they don't seem to care. I understand that you're pissed though. Anybody would be. But the best thing to to do is fake happiness untill you make it. So the girls can report to their dads that you are happy without them.

[IndiReloaded]

I sympathize, your ex sounds like a jerk.

But unless you think their safety is an issue, you probably need to suck this up. Girls love parties and this is probably a chance for them to get dressed up and enjoy one (their perspective). Speak with your daughters and ask them if they want to go. If the answer is yes, you need to be a big person and let them. Tell your ex that you are happy to let them go with his reassurance they will be properly cared for. Ask him how he will assure this (make sure you know what you want). If you have primary custody this is your right and responsibility. Set some reasonable rules. Have a family meeting with everyone to make sure they agree. Kiss your girls and tell them they look beautiful and to have fun. I assume they have a phone to contact you? Make sure they know they can get in touch if there is any problem. Have them check in at an agreed upon time.

[Arithmeticness]

Hmmm... a lot to think about. I suppose maybe I should consider that. However they may be out of town anyway. One thing that I have not mentioned here is that Greg has not told me anything about his wedding other than that he has a fiancee. Neither him nor Bill has told me there is a wedding in August, this I found out from over hearing the kids talking, and then from my girlfriend who he sent an invitation to along with his engagement photos.

So...... nobody in their loop has informed me nor asked me if my kids may attend. Nobody has brought up the wedding to me in any way. I think this also gives me every reason to have them otherwise occupied with no questions. ? Right?

Thanks to you all btw.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to have them 'otherwise occupied'. Why don't you just ask him outright if the girls are invited, b/c you are planning an activity. I think its pretty obvious why he'd keep you out of the loop on his wedding, you'd probably do the same. Get over it and just find out his intentions. Ask. Are you really this incapable of civil interaction with your ex?

[Arithmeticness]

Yup I am. Unless i kiss his ass and make sure he gets what he wants. Because in many of our conversations if it doesn't go exactly his way he will get snotty and start name calling, possibly raising his voice and (guaranteed) saying condescending things. But thanks.

[IndiReloaded]

Shrug. You chose to have kids with him. Part of being a parent sometimes means having to eat shit for their sake, including dealing with exes who are asshats. Your issues w/your ex isn't their fault but you sound like you want to use them as a tool to punish him. This will backfire on you if not now, then someday.

If he can't behave with civility by phone, then email. But first decide if this is something good for your kids, everything else stems from that. Keep your own bitterness out of that calculation.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Why haven't you filed for child support?