Husband left.. pleae help :(

[seren]

Long story.. to cut short we had a successful IVF back in 2009 [our beautiful son born July 2010] and 13 months later, it all fell apart. We were so close. My husband was my rock - admittedly, after 6 years of ttc and going against my beliefs to have IVF, it affected me in ways I didn't even realise. I became detached, cold, sexless, my confidence took a huge dive, I gained 4 stone on tx and basically my personality changed. I honestly didn't realise these things at the time, but it drove my husband out [in fairness to him I can now see what I was like and he stayed for a long time with me like that] Anyway, our son was born with bowel dysfunction, colic and reflux - he screamed day and night for months and he didn't even know the meaning of the word 'sleep' until he was about 11 months old [only started sleeping through the night at 13 months] I ended up with PNA and serious sleep deprivation, so that added to everything else just made things unbearable all round.

My husband left.. literally snapped one day when my son was 13 months. He got a plastic bag with some underwear and just left. He never came back [and even now ALL of his stuff apart from half a wardrobe of clothes is still here??] Approx 4-6 weeks later he started seeing someone else and basically moved straight in. I know he had nowhere else to live [he couldn't stay at his parents for all the judgements and questions] so I know he moved in with her out of convenience [he's told me as much, since] but now it's developed into something. I have no ego or pride left and I couldn't care less: I love my husband. I spent 6 months begging him to come back [not asked him to in past 2 months].. explaining that I wasn't under those dark clouds anymore, that having my son kinda 'reset' me and also made me look at life differently. We were together 16yrs and went to hell and back to get our son. My husband was convinced I didn't want him anymore and I can see why now.. just wish I had known at the time. We simply didn't 'talk' to each other when we should have.. things would be very different now if we had. We have talked since and we both understand things a lot better.. but it doesn't seem to have made much difference??
He says it's serious with her now and he needs to know where it might go with her.

Thing is, in the 7 months they've been together, he's slept with me 9 times.. tells me he still loves me.. but that it would be futile for him to come back because he 'knows it wouldn't work'. Without going into personal detail, we slept together Saturday just gone and where I've been thinking it's just 'sex' to him, he said Saturday was much more than 'just that'. It was fantastic and we shared some very intimate stuff.. I can't remember the last time I felt so close to him. He says he's very confused but remains adamant that it wouldn't work if he came back. I've just started seeing someone [edit 2 months on: we were txt each other but nothing came of it in the end, I wasn't interested] and suddenly my husband is very angry saying that this new bloke will 'get the best of me now' because I think he's starting to realise slowly that I'm no longer the person [the mess!] he left. He's also convinced I'm in the state I am and lost so much weight purely because I'm lonely - I've been asked out 3 times by different people since we split and only now I've decided to start seeing the one - how can he say it's because I'm 'lonely'? I chose to stay on my own for all that time! I've been trying to get it into his thick head that it's because I miss HIM but he says he can't believe I love him/miss him because of how I was and how long I was like it for. He says the small changes he sees in me are temporary and that 'no one changes like that overnight'. I've been telling him things for 8 months now and that opinion of me hasn't changed. It's so frustrating because I really do feel very differently. Much better, more energy and excitement and the very fact I had a child changed my priorities.. I let go of all the crap that used to stop me from being 'me'. He just refuses to believe me though

What do I do?? He means so, so much to me and my son constantly asks after him.. it's all absolutely heartbreaking. We spent so many years planning our lives with our [hopeful] child. And my husband is someone who thinks about 'today' now, never 'tomorrow' anymore. It's like he's buried his head in 'her' and doesn't want to contemplate anything but the here and now. He keeps telling me he's very mixed up and doesn't really know what he wants or what he's doing. I had let him go to get on with his new life, but we keep ending up in bed.. I can't say no and he says he can't help it. Do I keep fighting or close the door permanently? I feel very, very lost and very frustrated that I can't get through to him. [edit: I've since told him no to having sex with him and have a much stricter routine with him seeing our son, and pretty much cut contact with him unless it's about our little one]
Thanks for reading.. any advice appreciated.

[HeartIsAching]

Well, it sounds to me as if you're just a convenient booty call to him now.

You say that your son finally started sleeping through the night at 11 months, and he "snapped" and left at 13 months. That tells me that in those two months nothing changed, and now you've experienced a "miraculous" change. Your husband doesn't buy it, and I don't buy it either.

If you really want to try and work things out with him, get professional help, and stop sleeping with him. Don't let him make you a booty call.

[seren]

Err. right ok. No 'miraculous' changes.. I just found 'me' again after 7 years of heartbreak and treatment, weight gain, no self esteem and loss of confidence while trying for a baby we both desperately wanted, then the baby was ill when he was born etc. It messed us both up. I'm just trying to figure out why after going through all of that for us to have a family did he end up leaving when it finally happened for us? And yeah.. 'booty call'.. it's always called that. Couldn't it maybe be that sometimes it's because you still have mixed, messed up feelings for each other alongside an unbreakable bond of a child you both adore? And proffesional help? I'm not the one who walked out on a 1yr old child, a loving wife and left a whole life behind, my friend. I would suggest it isn't me who needs that help. I just want my family back together, I want my husband back who I love dearly and for my son to have his dad around to watch him grow up. Your post wasn't helpful, btw.. but thanks anyway. Anyone else have some decent advice for me?

[IndiReloaded]

If you want him back, you need to regain his respect. Go buy a copy of Love Must Be Tough. The same goes for him, btw. A man who just up and leaves his family this way has no self-respect either. This woman he is with is just a rebound and has little self-respect to be seeing a married man with a baby. They'll have their issues, no doubt, but that doesn't help your marriage. People do stay with rebounds, they aren't always doomed to failure.

So, my advice. Pull yourself together, get a job if you haven't yet got one, get yourself stable and whatever you do, DON'T beg him to come back/change/whatever. Leave him alone. Get yourself awesome. If he sees that, he'll want back. If he doesn't, you'll be ready for your next relationship.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

First off your husband is done with this marriage I'm afraid. Whatever his issues are they are his to deal with. He is satisfied with his life enough for him not to return to you. That is his decision, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Secondly don't sleep with him ever again, it will not make him come back....before it was for him was to test his feelings to see if there was enough there emotionally to make an attempt to get back together...apparently there isn't, he has made his choice not to.

Yes it's time to permanently close the door and start a new life for yourself. Start the divorce proceedings.

[johndemi]

All you need to do for now is fixed yourself, stand through problems. Don't be so affected, after all you can live without him. Though I know it's pretty hard.

[herestolove]

The problem I'm sympathizing with you here about is that your son doesn't have his father in his life like he should. However, I don't think your son needs THAT kind of role-model. I'm sure you, as his mother, wouldn't want him to one day walk out on his wife just as your husband has done to you.

I know you don't like the term "booty call", but even though it's not a pretty phrase, that's what it is. I do feel for you, and I know you love him...but I see this often with my friends and their relationships. If he loved you, he'd be there at home with you and his son. That's it. That's all there is to it. He didn't just walk out on you, he walked out on your baby. That can't POSSIBLY be the kind of father you want for your son, can it?

If you are determined to do something to make this work, then I agree with what has been posted above. You need to get yourself together before you can get your relationship together. Find a hobby (if you don't already have one) that you're passionate about. Get a job (again, if you don't already have one). Do whatever it is you need to do to feel confident and happy in your own skin. Then, it'll be very clear-cut as to what to do about him, because you'll have taken care of yourself, and if he doesn't accept you when you're perfectly happy with who you are, then it's never going to work.

[rappelz]

If you want him back, you need to regain his respect. remember anytime,he is a man.