i know this is a long story, but please read and vive me your thougbts. Im desperate

[empty1]

Ok. This is a long story, but I feel like I need to tell it all so maybesomeone can give me some insight. I have a boyfriend who I will call Blue. I also have a male friend, Tat, that I have been friends with since we were kids. I met Blue at my work. He came in several times a week and we would chat. This went on for about 6 months. I never even thought about him in any way at that time. I was lonely. I have been living on my own for quite some time. My friend Tat lives in another state. I had not actually seen him in three years. But we still talked almost everyday. Mostly text. We had been talking for a cpl months about maybe seeing if we could go another step together. However talk is as far as it had gotten. One day Blue came in and azked if I could take my lunch hed treat and we could talk. He asked me on a date for the following friday and surprisingly i excepted. He had a few issues with his ex wife, but after that first date, both of us were hooked. I have never in all my years(late 30s) felt this way for another person. And I was married for many years. He said he felt the same way, and we treated ea h other very well. I got pregnant however very early in the relationship. 2months. I wasnt happy at first, but I dont have any children and after it sunk in, I was actually thrilled. Blue already has three children, but he seemed pretty happy about it. I miscarried that child. I was absolutley devastated. It was my forth miscarrIage, Im in my late thirties, it could very well have been my last chance. I believe it bothered Blue, but nothing like myself. I couldnt get it across to him that even though i wasnt but a few weeks along, I was grieving. I felt like he didnt understand, so I just kept it all in. One morning he and I had an arguement over his ex. He left to go watch his son play ball. Tracy and I were texting and he knew I was angry. I had told him I was gonna put the phone down and grab a shower. He sent me a text saying he wished I would come down there and let him shower with me so he could wash me. I replied yeah, u better. I have absolutely no idea why I even sed it. He knew I was in love with Blue and I had no intentions to be with anyone other than him. I forgot about it. The next night while I was sleeping he de ided I wasnt myself and he was gonna check my phone to see if he could get an idea of what was bothering me. He came a ross that conversation with Tat. The next morning, I kissed him goodbye he sed he loved me and I went to work. He then sent me a txt. He was leaving me. I was floored! I left work and came home called him and he came back up to talk. The next day, he came up again and stayed the night. He said he loved me and he didnt know if he could handle being with me after that text, but he wanted to try. I told him I wouldnt speak to Tracy at all anymore and that I wanted us to figure this out. So for a month he was here every weekend like always. He was loving. It was just like it had always been. However, hed always make snide lil comments to me and started to almost critisize me. Plus, he always made sure I knew he loved me but he didnt know if we were together or even if he could ever be again. But we lived like a couple in a relationship. Finally, I asked him. I was walking on egg shells. I had no idea where I stood with him. He told me he thought we needed some time apart not talking so he could try to deal with what I had done. He couldnt tell me if hed be back in a wk or month or even at all. You can imagine how I felt. He decided to come see me one last time the next Friday. When he left, he left his bag with his dirty laundry. I told him I would wash it for him and Id meet him at his truck on Sunday when he stopped to fuel. When I got out the clothes. His old phone was in the bottom. He had only quit using it the wk before. I dont know why, but I charged it and read it. I knew he had three or four girl friends that texted back and forth and I never thought about it. Right before he started dating me he had been having explicit text sessions with all of them. I mean explicit! I was devasted and started wondering how they talked now. I got hold of Blue and Ill admit telling you that I waz tripping is mild. The next day i took his things to him and said goodbye. He showed me his new phone and he had not spoken to them out of the way since he had been with me. But he was talking to one in particular about our problems. I came unglued. I hadnt even talked to my best friend in over amonth and We had never spoken to each other the way Blue and these women were. Ill be honest, I really thought when I got home that i was having a nrrvous breakdown. Blue called to check on me and we talked way into the night. The next morning he cMe to work. We tLked. He hugged and kissed me constantly anf told me he loved me. He ended up coming to the house for a cpl hrs that night and I thought we were gonna try to get back on track. The next day, he picks an arguement with me ovr text and said he needed to ba k away from me for a bit and we didnt need to talk for awhile. My heart hit the ground again. I didnt text him that day, but the next morning I couldnt stop myself. He wasnt mean, but cold in his reply and we text arguing off Nd on all day. The same thing hapeened the next two dayz. I said some very mean things that I reLly didnt mean. It got so bad that he finally told me he didnt think he would be able to come back to me after how I freaked out. I stayed up all tat night crying. Im in love with him. He has my heart. I wrote him an email that night. I took my time and made sure I got everything I was feeling out there. I told him I loved him and I wouldnt contact him anymore. Ultimately I want him happy. I apologized sincerely for my behavior. I also told him that I hoped one day he would be wanting to call after me and get to know me again. He sent me a kessage back. He waz sorry for his part in all of this. He felt we had both made a mess of things. He said he wished he could just get over what he read and be with me. But he needed his space right now. He said that when he calmed down and figured a few things out he may try to call me. He never mentioned the word love. I have kept my word and sometimes its hard, I havent tried to conta t him. I havent slept but just a few hours in two wks. I can prbly count on one hand how many times I have eaten. Its not that Im purposefully doing it my throat feels like it closes. I am in real physical pain over this heartbreak. My chest and my belly really hurts. I miss him so mu h. I close my eyes I see his face. Yet, I dont know if I will hear from him. I may be waiting and he has no intentikns of ever seeing me again. I dont know what to do. Should I wait, or try to move on without him. And if I move on, I have no idea how..... Pleas help. Im at my witts end.

[smackie9]

Well him getting all over you about that text from your friend is a sure sign of his guilty conscience. People who cheat feel everyone else does it too. ***shrugs*** It could work out and maybe he could never forgive you. If you want this pain to go away it's best to move on. If he comes back to you then fine, but never put your life on hold because this is only a 6 month old relationship, not a marriage. You are still in the "obsessive" part of a relationship which they call the honeymoon stage that's why your feelings are so intense. The way to deal with this is to keep busy with friends and get out and do things. Right now all you are doing is focusing on this and it's a waste of energy. After about the 3rd week you should be feeling better, eating and a little numb....kinda like getting over the flu. At a month you should be ready to move on and you will think less and less of him. It just takes time. I have read articles about the timeline on how long a guy may need to reconsider things...that is about the 3 month mark. That's a long time so it is best to recover and move on for your own sake.